Jensen put his hands up. “Sorry. I was just being…”
“It’s fine,” I insisted. “I need to know what your intentions are. Do you plan on sticking around since you finally managed to do what you came here for? Do you think you’ll leave now?”
“Are you referring to today, or staying on the mountain at the new house?”
“You know what I mean.”
He took another look at Christopher and then found my eyes. I could tell from the way he was taking his time with the answer that I wasn’t going to like it. “I’m not going anywhere, Amantha. I just spent my life savings renting that house. I suppose when the time comes I’ll have to go somewhere I can find work. As much as I admire what you’ve built here, living on the land isn’t for me.”
“So, I’m just supposed to pretend we’re friends until that happens?”
“No. I mean, I don’t want you to pretend.” He ran his hands through his thick hair. “This is so much easier in my head to say.”
“I don’t trust you yet.”
“I never expected you to,” he countered.
“I don’t want to be friends.”
“Why?” He asked.
“Because. Just because.”
“That’s a terrible reason.” He sipped at his tea for a few seconds, closing his eyes to savor the flavor of it. “I think you should give me another chance.”
“What for? Do you think you can knock me up a second time?”
My comment made Jensen chuckle loudly. “If only it were so simple. Can’t you just admit that you enjoyed yourself that night as much as I did? I don’t know about you, but I hadn’t been with anyone else since Alice…” He was unable to finish the sentence.
I could relate to his dilemma. “It’s hard talking about them. I keep thinking it will get easier with time, but I still miss my family exactly the same as the day I discovered they were gone.”
“Yeah. It’s tough.”
“How long were you married?” Considering he could only be a couple years older than me, I wondered how early they’d started dating.
“Four years. We married when we were twenty. I think I asked her out in the tenth grade. She turned me down three times before feeling sorry for me and giving me a chance.”
“I can’t imagine meeting my future husband in high school. I was too immature back then. In some ways, I probably still am.”
Now I realized I was having a normal conversation with Jensen without wanting to hurt him, but it didn’t mean I was letting my guard down. The way he looked at Christopher let me know there was no way he’d stay away like he’d promised.
“Now that you’ve told me what you came for, what do you think you’ll do with your time?”
“Actually, I’m writing a book.”
This was news to me. “Really? What’s it about?”
His answer made my jaw drop. “It started out being about the train wreck, but I’ve since moved on to a different plot.”
“Different how?”
“Well, it depends if we can manage to start over and be friends.”
“You wrote about me? You must be joking.”
“I’m not. It’s about my loss, but also hope. I wanted to give up. I thought I didn’t have a reason to live. Even after our encounter I still felt like there was nothing left for me in this world. Let’s face it, being with you only messed with my head worse. My in-laws disowned me when Alice committed suicide. I told you about my so-called best friend, so we weren’t on speaking terms. My mom lives in Germany with her second husband, and my dad died when I was thirteen of a kidney disorder. I just assumed it was easier to give up then to hope one day I could find a reason to smile again.”
“I know what it’s like to be miserable. I assume you changed my name at least.”
“I left it the same. I also gave a vivid description of your long dark hair and those piercing gray eyes, and most importantly a five page description of everything we did together on that cold night two years ago.”
“I’ve forgotten all about it.” I was blushing and I didn’t want him to know it. Why was I reacting like this? Why couldn’t I hate him for everything he stood for?
“Yeah, I bet,” he mumbled.
I wasn’t fooling anyone. The mere mention of the night we shared gave me goose bumps all over my skin.
“You should probably head home, being that the weather is so bad.”
“According to the weather, you’re not going to see sunlight for a few days, and even after, the wind is supposed to remain. That roof of yours isn’t going to unthaw for at least a week. I think you should consider taking my offer. I know it’s not my place to judge, or even suggest, but the two of you would be safer. Even if I lose power, the generator is indoors through the breezeway. I have plenty of firewood in the house and you could have the whole upstairs to yourself. I won’t push. I just think, for the time being, we’re two adults capable of getting along in order to keep Christopher comfortable.”
“Or maybe you just want to be around him without asking directly.”
“Maybe.” He shrugged. “I’ve been known to lie. The decision is yours, Amantha. I don’t think I’ll be able to get back up the hill after today.”
The thought of being stuck without resources or help suddenly horrified me. I had a little boy who I’d do anything for. That included letting my guard down and getting him to a safer, more manageable location. If something else were to happen emergency crews could get to us on their access road, need be. It would take them a while, but it was doable, even in the worst conditions.
I watched Jensen walk over and start putting his boots back on. “We’ll go with you,” I managed to announce.
The grin on his face annoyed me. I think he knew if he came in person and offered there was a good chance I wouldn’t refuse. “Good. How can I help? Do you need me to clean off your snow mobile, or do you think we can all fit on mine? It’ll be warmer for the boy if we put him between us.”
I needed something between us, because I knew if I got close to his hot body I might erupt. In some ways I wished he wasn’t so strappingly handsome. Then again, my son had those beautiful features and I appreciated that aspect. “I think we can manage on yours.”
“I brought the pull-behind. I thought Ava would want to ride in it, but she wanted to be in the snow.”
“She always does.” I looked over and saw her lying by the woodstove. She was sound asleep, probably because she exhausted herself earlier. “I need to get him changed and cleaned up. I’ll have to pack his things up and make sure everything is in order here.”
“Let me help you. What do you need?”
I froze. I knew he wouldn’t be able to get everything I’d need, and the only other thing I had to do was change Christopher. “I can manage.”
“I’d never hurt him, you know. Never. Come on, Amantha. I saved your life. I’m not a threat.”
“You’ll always be a threat when it comes to him. Don’t you get that? He’s all I have.”
“How do you think I feel? Do you have any idea what it was like to hear Eve saying you were up on this mountain with a kid. I couldn’t believe it. I swore it had to be someone else. The moment I saw that kid I knew he was mine, but I didn’t push.”
“How long have you been here?”
Jensen looked down. “A couple weeks. Why?”
“Have you been spying on me?”
His guilty grin made the answer easy to come by. “I wouldn’t call it that. I was researching.”
“Ava barked the other night. Were you up here? Were you watching me through my windows?” I was getting angry. I felt violated, and betrayed again. This sneaky side of him infuriated me to no end. When it came to my son I refused to let my guard down when his father was still hiding things.
“No. I wasn’t watching you through the windows. I’m not a peeping Tom. I think you want to pin me as a bad guy so you can push me away easier. If I’m the guy I’m claiming to be it’s too hard
for you to find reasons to hate me.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He took a few steps forward, coming face to face with me. I felt his hand cup my chin and closed my eyes as he lifted it for me to really look at him. When I did I could feel that same connection as the first night we’d met. We’d made a beautiful little boy in his image. “If you keep this up we’re staying here.”
“You can stay, but I’m staying too.”
I rolled my eyes and pulled out of his reach. “Whatever. Take Christopher out of his highchair and wipe him off with that washcloth. I’ll go get him some clothes.”
I started walking up the stairs while peering back to see him struggling to unfasten the high-chair. It made me giggle. He really did have a lot to learn. What caught me off guard was how easily Christopher went to him. As soon as he was in Jensen’s arms he rested his head on his chest. It was only for a brief second, but it was enough to impact me greatly.
Now we were about to pack up and go stay with this man; a man I still questioned was genuine or not. I knew the decision was a no-brainer, but I feared what would happen if we were forced to be together for a long period of time. He’d grow attached to our son, and knowing that made it a complete game changer.
Chapter 13
Jensen had been right about the weather getting worse. Our trek down the mountain was quite scary. I clung to him, wedging Christopher between us, while the snowmobile pulled a sled full of our things. For the purpose of bad weather, Bob had designed something like a carport to pull the snowmobile under and walk straight into the breezeway. It didn’t block out all the snow or the ripping wind, but it did help have something covering our heads. Jensen wasted no time taking Christopher into his arms and carrying him inside the warm home. I grabbed as many things as I could and followed behind him, appreciating that lights were on and a fire was still illuminating in the family room. The cathedral ceilings held the heat in, the exposed beams adding a rustic feel. They’d outdone themselves with the rebuild. It was a dream home, down to the open floor plan kitchen with high end appliances. I didn’t know why they’d put so much money into this house, especially when they spent less than half the year coming here, but I was grateful we had a place to stay with more amenities.
After taking off Christopher’s snowsuit, Jensen ventured back outside to get the rest of the things and put the snow mobile back in the garage for safe keeping. In the meantime, I heard Ava barking, letting me know she’d made it safely down the mountain. I hurried over to the door and let her in, watching as she shook melted snow all over the walls and floor. I went into the laundry room finding a towel in a basket and placed it on the floor. Right away she rolled overtop of it to try and dry herself off faster.
By the time Jensen came back inside we were all three in the kitchen. I’d taken everything that needed to be refrigerated and put it away. It was one thing I was glad to have, since the solar panels were what kept my small fridge running. Without power, everything would have to be stored outdoors to keep it fresh. As far as the supply of eggs and other dairy products I had to stock up on, like butter and yogurts, I kept them in an Alaskan pantry. It’s kind of like a cellar, but the ground stays so cold it keeps everything fresh. My meats were always down there, away from critters and safe from going bad.
Jensen blew heat into his hands. “It’s terrible out there.”
“Thanks for this. I guess I should pay more attention to the weather. I’ve never had to worry about someone else. It’s been fifteen months and I’m still learning. We would have managed, even if some of the things we needed were out of reach. We could have survived, in case you’re wondering.”
“I don’t doubt it, but you’re better off here. I don’t need all this space. I came here to start over, hopefully to forge a new friendship with a woman I’ve never been able to forget. I know you don’t feel the same about it, but we’re stuck here, so I’m going to try to make the best of it.”
I shook my head and gave him a flip glance. “Of course you are.”
“Do you blame me?”
I didn’t have to consider his question. “No. If I found out I had a son I’d want to be a part of his life. I can’t be angry at you for wanting that.”
“After the storm you can go back to hating me, Amantha. Just give me the next few days to prove I’m not the monster you see me as. That’s all I’m asking.”
I held out my hand and watched as he took it, shaking it with mine. “I can agree to those terms.”
It would have been okay if he’d let go, but he didn’t. He held onto my hand and pulled me closer, staring down into my desperate eyes. “That night, before I lost my shit, you wanted me just as much as I wanted you. Don’t you ever forget that.”
He was close enough to kiss, so I pulled away quickly before I actually let it happen. “It’s too late. I hardly remember that night,” I lied.
“Keep telling yourself that. While you stew in denial, I’m going to play with the little guy. When I was his age I had my own collection of trucks.”
I watched him head into the other room on his knees, pushing a toy fire engine along the way. Christopher followed him like he was the best thing ever. As hard as it was for me to accept, I knew this had to happen. I was tired of denying it. This man was his father. I lived alone on a mountaintop. I could use the help. We didn’t have to be a couple. He was asking for us to get along because of our child. People did this every day. The circumstances of our encounter no longer mattered, not in the big picture of things. Being hardheaded wasn’t going to win me a mother-of-the-year award, not by anyone’s standards. I wasn’t saying I was all for being a united front, but it was time to put my big girl panties on and accept the things in my life I couldn’t change. Jensen didn’t force Alice to kill herself. Her bad choices led her to that fate. I wasn’t the only person who lost someone I loved. Regardless of all the other details, I had to stop dwelling and live in the now.
While the guys played together quietly, I ventured upstairs where I’d be sleeping. Since I couldn’t bring his whole bedroom just to spend a couple nights somewhere else, he was going to have to sleep in a real bed. I took the pillows from another room and tucked them under the fitted sheet of the bed we were going to be using. I wanted to make sure he wouldn’t roll over and fall off in the middle of the night. Then, just to be extra safe, I pushed a chair over with the back facing the edge of the bed to keep him from going anywhere. I’d been woken up several times with his feet in my face, so I knew all too well how much he could maneuver his way around a queen size mattress.
With the bed in order, I sat down on it, gazing out the large floor to ceiling window at the wintery conditions.
“How did I get here?” I asked myself.
It was a terrible time to have a revelation, but the fact remained; this was where life had led me. I was stuck under the same roof as a man who’d once swept me off my feet, at least for a short while. He was still as handsome as ever, confident, and determined. The fact that he cared enough to want to help me should have been a good sign, but it still wasn’t enough for me to forgive how we’d gotten to this very point. I couldn’t deny the amount of jealousy I felt when I heard him downstairs with the little guy I thought would be only mine forever. I suppose it was immaturity again. It wasn’t like I could contact my parents and ask for their advice. My mother would never be a phone call away. Usually I took pride in making logical decisions, though lately I’d been unable to grasp the difference between right and wrong. A part of me wanted to be back up in my cabin with my son, where we could hide from the rest of the world. Another part of me wanted this for my child. It was obvious this was going to happen. They were already bonding, perhaps even recognizing the unconditional love I’d felt the moment I delivered him. In many ways Jensen needed that little boy as much as me. His soul had been damaged for a long time. He might not show it in his quick actions, but there was probably a part of him that would never recover. The
past is an ugly scar we hold in our brain. No matter how much good we try to put on top of it, it still remains.
I couldn’t run away anymore. I’d gone to the furthest place possible, only to come face to face with it again. It was time I battled my demons. If I ever wanted to get over the pain and anguish, I had to let go, or in my case, let someone in.
I took a piping hot shower before dressing and going downstairs. Jensen was in the kitchen. He had Christopher sitting on the countertop with a large wooden spoon and empty pot in front of him. While Jensen stirred something on the stove, my little guy was mimicking him. “Hey, Mommy. Look who is helping me make soup.”
I crossed my arms, biting my tongue about my kid being on a stone counter, feet away from falling on the floor. “I see that.”
“I hope you like vegetable beef, and it’s from a can so don’t get too excited.”
I smirked. “It’s fine. Anything hot will do.”
“Good. I figured it was something he could have too. He does eat people food, right? I wasn’t sure after seeing the slop you fed him for breakfast.”
“That slop is called oatmeal and it’s good for him. You should eat it too. It’s beneficial for the heart.”
“I’m afraid to tell you, my heart is too far gone to even want to try that stuff.”
“Do you have medical issues? It’s probably good for me to tell Christopher’s pediatrician.”
“No. I’m healthy. My dad died of kidney failure, but it was because he’d gotten into a bad accident years ago and it messed him all up. I had to keep in shape for the fire department.”
“Do you miss it?” I asked.
He shrugged. “Sometimes. Mostly I miss bringing home a steady income. I don’t have much left in the bank, so I’ll need to find something once the weather breaks, plus your neighbors are going to want their house back.”
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