by V. H. Luis
“Since you’re such an expert at gaging what a person is thinking based on their expression, look at me now and see if I’m lying.”
The sharp grate of his words, and the perfection of the lips uttering those words, lips that have roamed my body possessively and indiscriminately, have me captivated.
“My baby sister had just overdosed on pills and I was upset. I was trying to understand what had happened. If I seemed confused or as you put it I looked at you with doubt, it was because I was full of doubt. I was questioning my actions the previous night, wondering what I could’ve done to prevent Sarah from harming herself.”
He moves back and mutters a curse under his breath as he shoves the suit jacket he’s wearing off of his shoulders and tosses it on the desk. “And yes, I wanted to know what you said to her, and what she said to you. I wanted to better understand the problem so I could fix it.”
Damn, that makes sense.
Adam is the type of man who tries to fix a problem, no matter how insurmountable the odds are, and the thought makes me sad, because though I see him as my hero, even hero’s meet challenges they can’t overcome.
“There are some things even you can’t fix,” I say quietly.
He crosses his arms over his chest and a small smile fits his lips. “You’re right, and you and me being together is one of those things, isn’t it? I can’t make you stay by my side. Being in a relationship with someone is a decision you have to make, it can’t be made for you.”
“We were never meant to be in a relationship.”
“Fuck!” Adam raises his hands in the air. “We’re still on that?”
“It’s a big issue, Adam.”
“So you ran away because of the threat of our liaison ending?” he says incredulously.
“I don’t know. Everything is better when we’re alone. When we go out and interact with people, it all falls apart. I was fine until everyone at that party told me I wasn’t right for you.”
“Who is everyone?”
I blink a few times, finally registering what I’ve said. My mouth parts, and Adam doesn’t give me the opportunity to think. His deep voice radiates throughout the room.
“Who the hell is everyone?”
I stand and square my shoulders. “Sarah, Victoria, your mother. I was accosted from every direction. First, Sarah warns me that everyone in her family is fucked up, and that I should run away. Then Victoria insults me about my past, which she found out about through your mother since they’re fucking best friends. Then your mother tells me I should leave you alone, because I’m not good enough for you.”
Adam runs his hands through his hair. “How the hell could you keep that from me?”
No fucking way! I raise my hands in shock. “Are you kidding me? You’re upset with me, not your mother and Victoria?”
“I’m fucking furious with them, and believe me, I’ll deal with them, but you were the one I was with. It was your responsibility to talk to me.”
“What was I supposed to say? ‘Oh, by the way, Adam, you mother just told me I’m the wrong girl for you and is threatening me with the release of an exposé on my sordid past if I choose to continue dating you?’” I roll my eyes. “When was I supposed to say this? Right after your sister was found unresponsive?”
He takes a deep breath, and I know what he’s dealing with; he’s trying to reign in his rage. I take a deep breath, mimicking him, and for once I’m the one in control, or at least not the one about to blow.
“Don’t be mad at me,” I breathe, as my body stiffens with stress.
“I’m furious. I don’t know how to process you being in front of me. What we’re doing here, what we’ve been doing since we met, all of the fights. It’s not something I’ve ever experienced. My life is organized. If I want something, I take it. But in the span of a month you’ve thrown my life off balance.”
“Adam…”
His voice, sharp like a whip, cuts me off. “Now I find out my mother tried to blackmail you into not seeing me, and my sister and Victoria were somehow involved? How the hell am I not supposed to be upset, when you obviously have such little faith in me? You broke up with me and didn’t even bother to tell me the truth.”
His words frustrate me, because they’re so unforgiving. I was the one who was demeaned and insulted, so when I speak I don’t bother to hide my sarcasm.
“Oh, please educate me on the appropriate course of action. How was I supposed to react?”
“Like a goddamn adult,” he snarls.
“I can’t believe I came here. I’m leaving.”
I turn to walk away, but Adam’s question stop me dead in my tracks.
“Were you scared of people finding out about your past? Was that the real reason you left?”
“Yes, I was scared. I still am, though that’s not the reason I left.”
“Then why?”
“Adam, I have to go.”
“Not until you tell me why.”
He has the ability to make my world stand still, and the incredible part is, I welcome the frozen feeling. I love this man. I love the alpha in him—the way he makes the world bend to his will. His imposing nature and probing stare have since the beginning, been my kryptonite.
Sensing he needs a particular answer to his question, I dig deep, trying to build up my courage. And as I drown in his ocean-blue eyes, all the fear I’ve been harboring melts away.
I’m tired of fighting these emotions, of being a coward. The difference between a person who is happy and a person who is sad is the way that person reacts to the challenges they’re confronted with. I’m not sure why I’m willing to take the risk. Maybe it’s because I’ve already lost him, but I can’t leave without confessing my feelings.
Moving toward him, I commit his image to memory. The outline of his handsome face, the contours of his chin as his lips press against each other in a firm line—he’s a work of art. Anger and passion filter through his startling eyes, as he watches me. Weeks ago I would have been petrified by the intensity of his stare. Now the muscles in my body tingle with anticipation, because I know my presence affects him in a primal way. I submitted to his passion long before I had committed to the love I felt for him, and I don’t regret one moment.
“Adam, the idea of having my past published frightens me, but more than anything what scares me is the idea of you suffering for your relationship with me because of my past—that’s what made me leave. I wish I had the resolve to stay away, because even the remote possibility of hurting you tears at my heart. It makes it hard to breathe, to think, to do anything. I’ve done more living since I met you than in the past few years combined, and I won’t be able to sleep at night if I don’t own up to the fact that I’ve fallen in love with you.” I pause for a second to catch my breath. “I don’t expect you to reciprocate…”
Adam denies me the opportunity to finish my declaration. I’m pulled against him in a flash as his tongue brushes my lips in a ravenous caress and I sway in his arms.
I speak against his lips because it’s the only latitude he offers me. “Adam…”
His husky, commanding voice interrupts me. “Shut up and kiss me.”
Once again his lips take mine. He nips at them and the sweet sensation makes me moan. His tongue invades my mouth, claiming me with lustful strokes.
Suddenly, angry voices intrude. I push away from Adam’s embrace, though the strong hand on my waist makes it so the curves of my body are still pressed against him.
“Miss Thomas, you can’t go in there.” Ms. Wright’s voice is high-pitched.
“Adam has kept me waiting long enough.”
The door to the study is pushed open by a well-dressed blonde. She peers across the room and her thin lips press together as she glowers at me. Ms. Wright is behind her, glowering with equal hostility at the woman.
“I’m sorry, Mr. Black.”
“Don’t worry about it, Cadence.”
Adam releases me. He runs his hands through his hair,
and the muscles in his forearm tighten with tension. He’s frustrated by the situation, though I don’t know why. For a few drawn-out seconds the three of us stare at each other. Adam is the first to speak.
“Evelyn Snowe, this is Ashley Thomas.”
I try to muster the energy to smile, but I’m confused by the presence of this beautiful woman. Why is she here? Why didn’t he tell me she was here? What’s going on?
Adam’s frown mirrors my own. “Ashley is an old friend. She studied at Columbia with me.”
“Those were good times.” Ashley shoots Adam a knowing grin.
Her lips curve and small smile lines form at the corners of her eyes. This woman is older than me, though she carries her age well.
“I’m sorry to interrupt.” Her gaze once again falls on me, and though she still bears a smile, her rigid stance exudes insincerity. “I was under the impression we were only stopping at your apartment to pick something up before we went to the party.”
That’s when it dawns on me. Ashley is upset because I have intruded. She had a prior arrangement with Adam and my brash actions have not only ruined their evening but made me look like a complete fool.
He was going on a date! I hate that my body trembles with unhindered mortification. I want to crawl into a hole. I want to make myself invisible. A thousand impossible desires filter through my thoughts in the span of seconds. I need to get the hell out here.
“It’s been a pleasure to meet you, Miss Thomas, but I have to get going.”
My voice is mechanical. My actions are instinctual and precise. I’m not even thinking as I make my way to the foyer. As I press the elevator button I become aware of Adam’s presence behind me. I turn to face him.
“Please don’t waste your time on my account. You’re obviously busy with a prior engagement.” I press the elevator button again. It’s taking too long to get here.
“You’re overreacting.”
The back of his hand tenderly grazes my cheek. Tears swell in my eyes.
“You let me pour my heart out like that when you knew there was a woman not twenty feet away? Why would you do that?”
“You surprised me. We started talking and I was focused on getting answers from you. It slipped my mind.”
Adam’s hand trails down to my waist and he pulls me into him in a gentle embrace. My hands rest on his broad shoulders, and in those seconds I enjoy the scent of his body wash, of his skin.
“She doesn’t mean anything. I’ve known Ashley for years. She happened to be in town for the holidays and we decided to get together. It’s nothing more than two old friends catching up.”
I cry into his shoulder. Finding him here in his apartment with another woman forces me to face one of my biggest fears. How can a simple girl like me maintain the interest of a man like Adam? Even if we were to stay together it would only be fleeting.
“Your mother was right. You and I don’t fit. I can’t compete with women like Ashley Thomas or Victoria Chase.”
His arms tighten around me, his embrace ridges as he holds back his anger.
“You’re right, because you’re out of their fucking league.” Adam grabs me by the chin so that I’m forced to face his gaze. “You’re the flower in the mural. I’ve known it since the day I met you. You have the potential to be so much more and you constantly cave under the pressure. You run away from your problems. You shut down and find ways to avoid them instead of facing them.”
I tilt my head to the side, shifting away from his grasp. “You’re so familiar with my faults. What about yours?”
“I settle for less,” he whispers.
The loud ping from the elevator makes me jump. The doors open and I shift my body to enter but Adam refuses to let me go.
“I need to go home.”
“I’ll drive you.”
“I’d rather walk.”
“We need to talk. So I’m either driving you or we’re walking together.” He speaks with that authoritative voice that implies I don’t have a choice.
As the elevator doors close Adam pulls me by the hand to one of the chairs in the sitting area adjacent to the foyer, his expression filled with concern. I’m a mess. I’ve been crying for days so my eyes must be huge and red. My skin is blotchy from the stress and I feel frumpy.
“I’ll be right back. Do you need anything? Are you thirsty?”
I shake my head.
Adam leans forward and presses a soft kiss on my forehead. It’s such an odd action coming from him.
“Evelyn, I want to take care of you. I don’t want anything to ever happen to you.” He takes a deep breath and I can tell it’s hard for him to make the next statement.
“When I saw my sister on the floor, almost dead, the image of you lying beside her, popped into my head. And I can’t get it out.”
I place my hand on his cheek. Even though I haven’t hurt myself, I haven’t cut myself in a long time, my previous actions have still managed to hurt him.
“I can’t let that happen to you. I won’t. I need to protect you,” Adam says with finality. “I’ve tried to give you space. It’s why I only ever called this past week, even though the urge to go to your house and breakdown your door, was driving me crazy.”
I rub my fingers along the edge of his chin and as the grate of his stubble scratches my skin, I’m reminded of the day we met at the bank. I touched him like this, with a sense of enchantment.
“Tina said you called her.”
“She convinced me to stay away, by promising she’d make sure you were okay and if not, she’d call me.”
Maybe I should feel blessed to have two amazing people like Tina and Adam, strategizing about how to stir me out of my depression, but I’m not.
“Evelyn, after what’s been said in the last twenty minutes, I don’t want to stay away from you. I want to be the person you lean on. There are so many things I want to show you, so many things I want to do with you. It’s been a long time since I’ve found someone worth caring about. We’ve both fucked up, but it’s not too late to make this right. We can figure it out.”
Sincerity is exuding from every inch of him. And as I stare into his eyes I know this man, who is unable to say the words, loves me. In his own way, Adam loves me.
For a moment, the notion of him taking care of me is sweet and perfect, but only for the briefest of moments. Being a burden on those who love me is not my aspiration in life. Tina and my mother have shouldered that responsibility for far too long, and the last thing I want is for Adam to remain by my side due to a sense of obligation or fear. He’s the type of man who needs to protect the people in his life—it’s one of the many honorable traits that make him so incredibly special. But he can’t be my crutch. What would start as a pure need to help someone he cares for, would soon become a choking burden. This isn’t how two people should start a relationship.
As I stare into the warmth of his eyes, I have the realization every young girl needs to have before she can consider herself a true woman. The people in your life can help you, love you, and yes, at times protect you, but they shouldn’t dictate what you do with your life. Eventually, you need to take up the reins, and take care of yourself.
“What if I told you I needed more space, more time. What if I’m not ready to be in a relationship right now.”
He squeezes my hand, almost as if he’s scared I’ll pull away. “I’m not a patient man and I certainly won’t make compromises I know can potentially be disastrous. Us being apart, is the last thing you need. You need someone to take care of you.”
His words have never hurt me more than right this minute. It’s weird, to have a man tell you all he wants is to take care of you, and be saddened by the sentiment. I imagine many women would jump at the opportunity to be kept by the man they love, sheltered and nurtured, but it’s not what I want. I didn’t escape the prison of my hollow existence, to now find myself trapped in a gilded cage—I won’t allow my hero to become my warden—no matter how much I love him.
I’ve done this to myself. I’ve allowed Adam to railroad me throughout this liaison. He’s always been in control as is testament by the fact that he has yet to truly confide in me about his past relationship with a woman named Serena Welsh, a woman who royally screwed him over. Adam thinks of me as this weak woman, albeit, one who according to him has potential, and the realization is disheartening.
“Your friend, she’s waiting for you,” I say absently, feeling suffocated in his presence.
Adam’s eyes narrow and again he squeezes my hand. “I haven’t trusted a woman enough, to be in a relationship in over ten years. What we have is special to me. I don’t want to lose you.”
“I know.” I don’t have the heart to tell him his statement a minute before, contradicts his admission. Adam doesn’t trust me, not really. Sure, he trusts I’ll allow him to run our relationship as he sees fit. But he doesn’t trust I can take care of myself and honestly, how can he? When in the last three years have I taken care of myself? If I stay now, there would be no equity between us, he would be in charge… That’s not the life I want.
Adam’s not the type of man that makes concessions. If I’m going to be happy, I need time to become a strong, independent woman. A woman who can manage the impulse she has to hurt herself, because though I hide it well, the impulse is still there.
Realizing this will likely be the last kiss I ever share with the love of my life, I make it count. Our eyes lock and my hands cup his face, which by his small flinch surprises Adam. When our lips meet in a tender kiss, the world stops. It’s a bittersweet experience.
“I’ll only be a minute.”
As he walks down the hall, I know he’s going to talk to her. He’s probably going to give her some type of explanation as to why he can’t go to the party. It’s irrational to be upset. I broke up and abandoned him. But I’m heartbroken by the situation. I’m disappointed that in the span of a week he already made a date. I’m disappointed that I need time to get my life together, and that Adam doesn’t seem like the type of man who knows how to wait. But more than anything, I’m disappointed, both Adam and I are riddled with flaws and that the path for our happily-ever-after, is obscured.