by Linda Warren
He went back to Gabe and mentioned it to him. Gabe flipped through some papers he’d gotten from the adoption attorney and gave him the answer: Tom and Nancy Carstairs were the adoptive parents.
Rage filled Jude. Mrs. Carstairs had given Paige advice that would make it easier to adopt their baby. She’d continued to feed her bad information to make sure Paige gave away their child. He stomped down the hall to Mrs. Carstairs and he lost his cool for the first time in his life. Gabe had to pull him away and his mom had to calm him down. He wanted to strangle the woman for what she’d done to their lives.
Gabe told the attorney and the administrator if the baby wasn’t brought to them immediately, he would file charges against Nancy Carstairs for coercing Paige Wheeler into giving away her child. And he would notify the school board in Horseshoe of her deceit. And he would also bring charges against the hospital.
The Carstairs caved and walked out of the facility. The nurse in charge of the newborns said she would bring the baby, but not until Jude had a proper car seat and items to care for his child.
His mother went shopping while he and Gabe waited. It was the longest wait of his life. His mother had come back by the time the doors opened and the nurse came out carrying a baby wrapped in a blue blanket. He had a son. His breath caught and it took a moment before he could breathe again. He had a son.
The days that followed weren’t easy. He learned to change diapers, prepare bottles and wake at the smallest of cries. He followed his brother Falcon’s example and raised his kid—because that was what fathers did. And no one was ever going to take his child again. Because he’d said so.
“Dad.” Zane ran through the bathroom they shared into Jude’s room. “The entry form for the race is supposed to be in today’s paper. If Uncle Falcon doesn’t bring it in, can I take your truck and go get it at the mailbox?”
His son loved horses and he was planning to enter the Horseshoe Founder’s Day Horse Race at the end of April. That was all that was on his mind.
Jude got to his feet and stuffed his shirt into his jeans. “I’ll get it.” He looked at his son standing there in nothing but his boxer shorts. His dark hair fell into his eyes and he brushed it aside, as he often did. All arms and legs, he was going to be a gangly teenager just like Jude. His dark eyes and facial features were all Jude, too. But his sweet nature, which endeared him to everyone, he got from his mother. “Get dressed. It’s time for breakfast.”
“Okay, Dad.” Zane dashed toward the bathroom. “Don’t forget about the form.”
As if Jude could forget. Zane had talked about the race nonstop since before Christmas and he’d been practicing with his paint horse, Running Bear, almost every day. Jude felt sure there wasn’t a horse in the county that could beat him.
He made his way down the stairs to the kitchen, where his mom was cooking breakfast. The smell of bacon frying whet his appetite. He didn’t know how he would’ve raised Zane if it hadn’t been for his mom. She didn’t criticize or judge him. She just pitched in and helped him and showed him how to be a father. The only drawback was he was thirty-one years old and still living with his mother. That, he could handle. Not having his son with him was something he couldn’t.
“Mornin’, Mom,” he said, snatching a piece of bacon before pouring a cup of coffee.
She turned from the stove. “Mornin’, son. Is Zane up?”
“Yes, and I didn’t even have to wake him. He’s so excited about this race that it’s all he thinks about, even in his sleep.” He took a couple of sips of coffee and placed his cup on the counter. “I’m going to the mailbox to get the paper so he can have the form to fill out or he’s going to drive us all crazy.”
Before he could get to the door, Falcon and Quincy, two of his brothers, came in. Quincy had the paper in his hand. He held it up. “I brought something for Zane. Is he up?”
Jude picked up his cup. “Yes, and he’s ready for that form. He’s saved up the entry fee and he’s counting the days. Actually, he has a calendar in his room and he’s marking them off.”
“Who wants breakfast?” his mom asked.
“I had breakfast with Leah,” Falcon replied. “Our children were asleep and it was nice.”
“How about you, Quincy?”
“Elias had a late night, so I fixed breakfast for Grandpa.” Quincy filled a cup with coffee and sat at the table.
“Your grandpa can come over here and eat if he wants breakfast,” their mom snapped in a tone they knew well. “You have a wife and you need to be home with her and not pampering that old man.” His mom and grandfather had a strained relationship that was difficult for the whole family.
Quincy stretched his shoulders. “Mom, my wife was up at 5:00 a.m. to be at work at six. We had coffee and went our separate ways. But we took time for ourselves, if you know what I mean.”
“Quincy,” his mother scolded. But Quincy only smiled. It was good to see his brother happy.
Jude filled his plate with bacon, eggs and biscuits and sat at the table.
Falcon flipped through the hometown paper, which usually had nothing in it but tidbits of gossip. Nothing ever happened in Horseshoe, Texas. But Falcon slid the paper over to Jude, pointing to a page.
Jude took a swallow of coffee, pushed his plate away and picked up the paper. The headline hit him between the eyes like a two-by-four.
Hometown Girl Made Good Returns.
Jude quickly scanned the rest of the story. Paige’s mother had died and she was coming home for the funeral. Oh, man. He’d never expected this. Darlene Wheeler had fallen and broken her hip not long after Paige had left for California. Her daughter Staci had put her in a rehab center in Austin and from there she’d been moved to a nursing facility. That was the gossip Jude had heard.
A knot the size of a baseball formed in his stomach.
Never Never Land leaped to the forefront of his mind. The Wheelers still owned a house in Horseshoe and Staci paid the taxes on it. Jude wasn’t sure why they’d never sold it. Twelve years had come full circle and it was time to tell Paige what he’d done.
That was his first thought.
The second was there was no way in hell. Zane was his and he had to think about his son now. About what this would do to him. Jude had always told him the truth. Zane was about five when he’d first asked about his mother. He wanted to know why he didn’t have one. He almost thought that was normal since his cousin Eden hadn’t had one, either. But Zane was smart and he soon realized that most of his friends had mothers.
At that time Jude had glossed over most of the story and said Zane’s mother had wanted to further her education and had left for college.
As he grew older, Zane asked more questions and Jude decided then not to lie to him, because he knew his father would never have lied to him. Again, he told him how young they’d been and how they hadn’t known anything about babies and they had decided to give him up for adoption so he could have a good life. Jude tried to sound matter-of-fact about what had happened, but Zane knew his mother had given him away.
He glanced at the paper one more time. Paige was returning to Horseshoe. How did he tell her what he’d done?
Or did he need to?
She’d made her choice and he’d made his.
But… That but carried a whole lot of guilt that was gnawing away at his insides.
Paige Wheeler, Zane’s mother, would be back in Horseshoe.
Soon.
The knot tightened.
Chapter Two
Nausea churned in Paige’s stomach as the plane touched down in Austin, Texas. She took several deep breaths to calm herself. She’d never expected going home would make her sick.
“Are you all right, dear?” the elderly woman next to her asked.
Paige took another deep breath. “Yes, I guess I’m just a little nervous.”
“I was like that the first time I flew, but you get used to it.”
Paige smiled patiently at the woman, not wanting to explain her nervous stomach
had nothing to do with flying. It had to do with facing her past and all the mistakes she’d made. Actually, just one mistake. The big one that haunted her days and nights.
Passengers began to stand and Paige reached for her carryall to join the queue leaving the plane. She navigated the airport and quickly made it to the baggage carousel to retrieve her luggage. Holding her suitcase, she looked around for her sister and saw her across the room, waving.
Time stood still for a moment as she gazed at the sister who had been a lifeline. Staci was two years older and had taken care of Paige, especially when their mother was on one of her rampages. And that had been quite often when she’d been drinking. Their mother had blamed them for her lousy life and she’d taken it out on them whenever she could.
She’d never hit them. That would have left bruises. She’d used words that left scars buried deep inside, scars that would never heal. Their brother, Luke, had joined the army right out of high school and that had left Staci and Paige to fend for themselves.
There’d always been men in their mother’s life. The three of them all had different fathers, whose identities were a mystery to them and surely to their mother, too. Paige used to search the faces of men in town trying to find a resemblance, but she’d soon given up, knowing it wouldn’t make any difference. But she would always wonder. That was just human nature.
A lousy childhood had not prepared her for the real world. Her dream was to leave Horseshoe and to get as far away from her mother as she could. That was why she’d studied constantly and gotten good grades—to win a scholarship so she could get out of a home life where she was criticized and demeaned.
Her ticket out had come with a price. One she’d thought she could pay, but she’d been wrong. The price was too high. A naive, troubled girl didn’t realize it at the time. And she would pay that price for the rest of her life.
She walked toward her sister, carrying her luggage. Staci looked much the same, only older. They’d once had the same mousy-brown hair, as her mother had called it. When Paige was little, she thought she had mice in her hair. She hadn’t quite understood the description. When she was older, she knew it was just one more criticism her mother had heaped upon her.
Other than that, they didn’t resemble each other. And their looks had changed some over the years. With the help of a good stylist, Staci’s hair was now a darker brown, which looked great with her blue eyes. Paige had trimmed and highlighted her thick tresses so she was now more of a blonde with dark green eyes. Their brother had brown eyes. They were an eclectic mix or a hodgepodge of their mother’s love life.
Paige dropped her suitcase and hugged her sister tightly. She’d missed her. But not as much as she’d missed… She couldn’t think his name. She just couldn’t. Or the nausea would come back.
Staci drew back and looked at her sister. “My, look at you. Don’t you look sophisticated in heels and a nice dress. I love your hair! California has changed you, or has being a doctor made this transformation?”
“Me?” Paige quickly steered the conversation in another direction. “Look at you! How much weight have you lost?” Both sisters had a tendency to gain weight. They had that in common.
“About thirty pounds.” Staci swung around in her summer dress and did a bow. “I feel great. I have a fabulous job and great friends and I feel good about myself for the first time in my life.”
“It shows.” Staci had a job at a hotel in Austin. She’d started working at a hotel in Temple right out of high school and was soon offered a better job with more benefits in Austin. She was in charge of parties and banquets and she loved it.
Nothing else was said as they made their way to Staci’s car and it gave Paige a chance to regroup and calm her shaky nerves. She’d talked to her sister many times over the years, but she never shared her deep dark secrets with anyone, not even her sister. The embarrassment and shame she couldn’t share. It went deep into her soul where no one was allowed. She’d been a private person all her life and the only one she’d let get close was…
“Have you heard from Luke?” Paige asked to change her train of thought.
“Yes. He’ll be at the funeral tomorrow. He’s stationed at Fort Polk and he’ll be leaving at the end of the month for another deployment.”
“I know. We spoke last week.” They reached the car and Paige put her suitcase in the backseat and got in the vehicle. “I’m so proud of him and what he’s accomplished with his career in the army.”
Staci backed out of the parking spot and headed for the exit sign. “I’m proud of all of us. After a traumatic childhood, we turned out pretty good.”
Paige smoothed the fabric of her dress and then watched as the parking terminal flashed by. “Do you think any of us will ever be happy, though?”
“I’m happy,” Staci insisted. “I meet so many wonderful people and they’re kind and gracious and treat me with respect. That’s all a person needs.”
“And love,” Paige murmured under her breath.
“Well—” Staci turned out of the terminal “—we’re kind of gun-shy in that department, but you know what love is. And one time you were madly in love with—”
“Don’t say his name.” Paige stopped her with panic in her voice.
Staci gave her a sharp glance as she negotiated the traffic. “Why not? It was a long time ago and you’ve both moved on. He has a little boy now. I haven’t been back to Horseshoe all that much, so I don’t know the details about his marriage.”
He’d married someone else. He had a child. While she…
“Could we not talk about it, please?”
“Okay.” They drove in silence for a long time before Staci said, “What’s going on with you? You’re tense and sad and it’s not about Mom’s death.”
Paige swallowed the lump in her throat. “It’s very upsetting to go back and relive all that heartache and pain.”
“Yeah, I know, kiddo. I lived through it with you. But as I told you on the phone a couple years ago, the doctors at the mental hospital said Mom’s problems started with the wreck that killed her parents. She suffered severe head trauma and back injuries, and she wasn’t the same afterward. Even Uncle Harry said that. As the years passed, it just got worse because she refused any treatment and couldn’t stay off the liquor.”
Paige had always known there had to be a reason for her mother’s behavior, but it still didn’t wipe away a child’s pain. Her mother was gone now and she had to learn to forgive. She knew all too well how circumstances could change a person’s life.
“How often did you visit her?”
Staci heaved a sigh. “Whenever I could force myself to go—holidays, her birthday and Mother’s Day. I always took her flowers and chocolates. At the end, she was very sad, Paige.”
She closed her eyes tightly, not wanting to hear any good things about her mother. In her emotional state, she couldn’t handle it. The bitterness and the resentment held her together like Elmer’s glue, and if they were gone, she would crumble into nothing. Her sins would rise to the surface and she would have to admit that she was worse than her mother. At least her mother had never given away one of her children.
“Enough with the maudlin stuff. I have a two-bedroom apartment and you and Luke are staying with me. I thought it would be nice if we were together. He’s coming in tonight and we’ll have dinner. I’m cooking. And it’s not peanut butter and jelly or corn dogs. How did we survive on that?”
“Don’t forget milk and cereal.”
“Mmm. But, you know, the past is the past and what we do now with our lives is up to us. Adversity has made us stronger and we can handle anything.”
Paige wasn’t so sure about that. She didn’t know if she could handle going back to Horseshoe, Texas, and reliving that terrible time.
*
JUDE RODE INTO the barn followed by his brother Phoenix. He was home from the rodeo circuit for a few days and helping on the ranch. He and Phoenix had been born in the same year, January and
December, and they were close growing up, almost like twins. But Phoenix had always had an interest in the rodeo, while Jude had just wanted to cowboy for real.
As they were unsaddling, Quincy and Elias rode in from their day’s work on the ranch. “I’ll finish up for you, Jude,” Quincy said. “You got a date tonight and it’s getting late.”
Jude threw his saddle over a rail. “I canceled.”
His brothers stopped what they were doing and stared at him. Quincy placed his hands on his hips. “Why?”
“I can’t go out and have a good time with this Paige thing hanging over my head. I have to figure out what I’m going to do. I have to think about Zane and what’s best for him.”
Elias pulled off his hat, slapped it against his leg, making the dust fly. “The way I see it, Paige is here for a funeral, and as soon as it’s over, she’ll be gone again. She probably has a big practice out in California. I don’t know what you’re worried about.”
“I usually never agree with Elias, but he could be right.” Quincy hung his saddle on a rail and stared at Jude. “Go out and have a good time tonight and you’ll be relaxed and able to see things more clearly.”
“You wouldn’t do that, Quincy. You wouldn’t put your pleasure before someone you loved.”
Quincy pulled off his gloves and stuffed them into his saddlebags. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“Paige is Zane’s mother and I have to tell her what I did or I’ll never be able to live with myself. Doesn’t matter if she’s married and has other kids. Zane has a right to know his mother and maybe get the chance to meet her.”
All day, thoughts of Zane and Paige had gone round and round in his mind. It all came down to the same thing: what was best for Zane. Jude had lived his whole life with that in mind and he wasn’t changing now, even if it was going to take a piece of his heart to face her.
Falcon walked into the barn. “Everybody through for the day?”
“Yeah,” Quincy replied. “We have twenty-five heifers ready to go first thing in the morning to Mr. Hensley in Longview, Texas. Actually, we have twenty-six.” He glanced at Elias. “Someone can’t count.”