He had to lean on the doorjamb to prop his still-reeling body up, his feet feeling wobbly as they tried to arch over the uneven threshold. At least, he told himself it was because of where he was standing. He wasn’t ready to admit that their kiss had practically knocked his legs out from under him.
And judging by her response, she’d been just as affected as him. He’d tried to relax and let her lead in the kiss, but there was something about the normally in-control Carmen Delgado that made Luke want to be in charge. It was probably his sense that he had absolutely no control when it came to her.
Of course, she’d apparently been able to shake it off better—literally—and spring right back into tough-cop mode.
As he watched her taillights disappear down his driveway, he had a flashback to a time when the boys were still crawling. Samantha was taking a video of them on her phone when Luke got a call from his commander and had rushed out of their Coronado apartment.
I’m never off duty.
He’d said those exact same words to Samantha, who’d yelled back that, just once, he should think about his duty to his family. It had taken a family disaster and a near-death experience, but that duty was now clearer than ever. Just as his desire for Officer Maria Carmen Delgado was now clearer than ever.
Luke stood there in his doorway feeling a lot less guilty than he probably had a right to be. Carmen’s abrupt departure was a reminder of all the times he’d done the exact same thing for the exact same reason. He couldn’t say he was experiencing a feeling of empathy, because, unlike his wife, he didn’t resent Carmen’s dangerous job. In fact, a small part of him—that impulsive part he tried to keep locked away—was actually envious of it. That was enough to add to his already burdened complex about all the mistakes he’d made in the past.
Yet, as ashamed as he was to admit it, none of his guilt was because he’d just kissed another woman and felt more grounded than he ever had.
* * *
Luke was standing in front of the borrowed grill, a cold bottle of Samuel Adams in his hand, as he talked to his twin brother, Drew.
“You remember any of our birthday parties being this big?” Drew asked.
Luke looked around at all the Sugar Falls residents who had come to celebrate his children turning nine. His yard was a madhouse, but at least with Kylie and Carmen running things, it had the appearance of controlled chaos.
“Nope.” Luke shook his head. “Not even the party we had in fourth grade where Mrs. Giddles told us we had to invite everyone in our class. Including the girls.”
“That’s right. I seem to recall Mom and Dad throwing in the towel after that one. Every year after that, we got to pick one friend to bring with us to play miniature golf.”
“Our parents were saints.”
“Still are,” Drew said before taking a sip of his own beer. “Too bad they couldn’t make it today.”
Donna and Jerry Gregson were enjoying their well-earned retirement, crisscrossing the United States in their Fleetwood Bounder. “Mom called the other day,” Luke said. “I told her about the boys making the Little League all-star team and their first tournament in Rexburg. They said they’ll try and make it back in time for that.”
“Good. Maybe Kylie and I will make the trip with the girls. It’ll give the folks a chance to see all their grandchildren at once.”
Luke flipped over the chicken. “Speaking of parents, the boys seem to be adjusting pretty well to having just me around.”
“They really have,” his brother agreed. And Drew should know. He and Kylie had kept the twins for part of the summer when Luke had been on that last life-changing mission. “I know Kylie wishes she could spend more time with them. Maybe once we get the girls on a better sleep schedule, we can plan to have them over for a night.”
“That would be nice. You know I worry about them not having a mother figure in their life.”
Drew squeezed his shoulder. “I know. But they have you and you shouldn’t be selling yourself short.”
“Carmen has been spending a lot of time with them, and that seems to help.” Luke felt like he was testing the temperature of something other than the meat on the grill.
“Carmen’s great,” Drew agreed. “Kylie told me she really helped you pull off this party.”
“Party? More like a three-ring circus. But I think Kylie was well aware of what she was doing.”
Luke was adding hot dogs to the upper rack and didn’t see the quick look of culpability flash across Drew’s face. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, your wife rented all these tables and bounce houses and hired that goofy guy in the superhero costume without even telling me because she knew I’d say no. And don’t even get me started on that petting zoo in the driveway so that the younger kids would have something to do, too.”
Drew let out a breath and Luke, knowing his twin, immediately picked up on his normally relaxed brother’s release of tension. Why should he be relieved? Did he think Luke was actually annoyed with his sweet but over-the-top wife?
“Don’t get me wrong,” Luke defended. “I really do appreciate all her work and how much she loves the boys. I was just saying it was a godsend that she talked Carmen into pinch-hitting for her because I wouldn’t have been able to pull this off by myself.”
“It’s Carmen now, huh?”
“Well, we spent the whole day together yesterday and it’s kind of hard not to become friends when you’re debating what kind of candy to stuff in the piñatas and how many sets of plastic silverware to buy.”
“So you’re just friends?” Drew arched one golden eyebrow above the rim of his wire-framed glasses.
Dammit. Luke should’ve known that his psychologist twin knew him better than that. Of course, wasn’t that exactly what he’d been counting on when he’d brought up this conversation in the first place? He needed to talk to someone about what had happened between him and the woman who’d set his body into high alert before racing away from his house last night in hot pursuit of justice.
“Okay, here’s the deal,” Luke said, then leaned in toward his brother. “I sort of...kissed her.”
“You what?”
Quickly, Luke confided a few of the details that had taken place less than twenty-four hours ago. He kept his voice low, because even though all the other adults seemed to be either gorging themselves on onion dip or chasing the children around the makeshift laser tag zone, this was a small town and he didn’t want anyone overhearing him.
“So how’d you feel afterward?” Drew asked when Luke finished speaking.
“How do you think I felt?”
“Not physically, moron. I mean emotionally.”
“I felt fine. I guess.”
“Come on, Luke. You can do better than that. You have a shrink for a brother. If you want me to psychoanalyze this relationship, you need to give me more than that to go on.”
“Who says I want you to psychoanalyze anything, Dr. Annoying?” Luke looked up just in time to see Carmen refilling a huge bowl of chips on one of the food tables. “And who says we’re in a relationship?”
A small fire leaped up between the grate and Drew shoved him aside, taking the barbecue tongs from him. “Here, hotshot. Let me get things under control for you. As usual.” His brother was used to Luke’s impulsive nature and his tendency to fly by the seat of his pants. And he was used to bailing Luke out of trouble when the need arose. So it was a habit to stand by and watch his brother quickly move the meat out of the way of the flames, waiting for Drew to help him make sense of the scorching situation he’d caused last night when he’d kissed Carmen.
“I hate to point out the obvious, Luke,” his twin finally said once the heat of the grill returned to normal. “But you’re a single man and, as far as I know, Carmen is a single woman. Why can’t you guys enter into a matu
re, consenting relationship like two normal adults?”
“But what about my kids?”
“What about them? I thought it was pretty common knowledge that they’re crazy about Carmen and they like having her around.”
“Sure they do. But what about when I can’t be the kind of man Carmen deserves and we inevitably break up? The twins would be devastated.”
“Listen, Luke. I bit my tongue for almost six years because I knew you needed time to grieve for your wife and come to terms with your perceived guilt over her death.”
“My guilt isn’t perceived.” He crossed his arms over his chest and kicked at a pinecone near his foot. “It’s very real and very justified. I was never the kind of husband Samantha deserved. I don’t want to make that mistake again.”
“What do you mean you weren’t the kind of husband she deserved? You were you, Luke.”
“What kind of psychobabble is that?” Luke asked, then made the mistake of watching Carmen grab an open bottle of wine from the temporary bar set up near the back porch. He really wanted to ask Kylie who had a bar at a children’s birthday party, but frankly he needed another beer himself. Besides, if they were going to have a mobile petting zoo, they might as well have some booze to keep all the parents more relaxed.
“It means that you did the best you could,” Drew said gently. “Samantha knew you were a SEAL when she met you at that bar in Coronado. She knew you were a SEAL when she got pregnant with the twins and you talked her into marrying you. Anyone who has spent more than five minutes in your company knows where your heart is. You love your boys and you love your family, but up until that point, the Navy and your team were your life. I don’t want to speak ill of the dead, but Samantha was well aware of what she was getting into.”
“That doesn’t mean it was fair that I abandoned her and the boys every time I got called out on an assignment.”
“I agree,” Drew said. “Being a Navy spouse is a tough life. That’s why my department offers classes and workshops and support groups for people in the same position she’d been in. She was fully aware that there was help out there. Hell, I called her once a week to check in and to give her recommendations of places where she could go for assistance. But she chose to deal with your absence and her stress in her own way. It ended up being an unhealthy and fateful way, but that was her choice. Luke, being a SEAL did not make you a bad husband or a bad father. It made you you. When are you going to be done serving your penance for Samantha’s death?”
Luke was quiet for a moment. “I don’t know. Maybe never. Or maybe I was done last night. Who the hell knows?”
“What do you mean maybe you were done last night?”
“I mean, after I kissed Carmen, I didn’t really have any of that guilt I should’ve felt. It would have been easier if I had.”
“So, circling back to my original question, what did you feel after you kissed her?”
“Great,” he said. “Happy. Aroused.”
“Don’t need to hear the last part,” his proper brother said, probably wishing his hands were free so he could cover his saintly ears. “What about after she left to go chase bad guys?”
Luke had found out today from Cooper that chasing bad guys actually meant assisting on a call to rescue a group of drunk tourists who’d lost their car in the Snow Creek Lodge parking lot and had no business being behind the wheel, anyway. But he knew that her job was dangerous and someday she might get called out to deal with some pretty dicey situations. He was actually fine with it. No—more than fine. He was pretty impressed.
“I had this weird sense of reverse déjà vu,” Luke admitted. “Like I was used to being the one being called out on duty, but now I was experiencing what Samantha must’ve felt anytime I’d left unexpectedly like that.”
“How did you respond to being in that situation for the first time?”
“I didn’t respond. How could I? I was proud of Carmen for her dedication to her job and I wasn’t about to stand in her way. Maybe a little worried for her, but I wasn’t jealous or feeling abandoned. More than anything, I was confused and wanted some reassurance that what had just happened between us wasn’t a colossal mistake. But she left without giving me any clue and I can’t trust my own instincts when it comes to stuff like this. Then I was too busy thinking about what would happen when I saw her again.”
“And now you’ve seen her again. So how are you feeling about it today?”
“Like I can’t wait to kiss her again.”
“Then what’s stopping you?”
“The fact that she might not want me to. How am I supposed to know what she’s thinking?”
“Have you thought about asking her?”
Drew made it sound so simple. Yet, Luke had learned that just because a woman said she was fine with something, didn’t mean she was happy about it.
He shrugged. “We haven’t had a second alone. She’s been pretty good at avoiding me.”
Drew grinned. “Well, she isn’t avoiding you now. Look alive, brother. She’s coming this way.”
Chapter Nine
“How much longer do you think the chicken is going to be?” Carmen tried to sound as businesslike as possible when she asked Luke the question.
See. They were just a couple of friends. She might argue that today they were coworkers, partnering up together to work on this birthday task force. She’d even responded to his call for backup when Caden had led one of the goats from the petting zoo into the bounce house. “The younger guests are getting restless and their parents need something to soak up all the wine and beer. I was wondering when we should start bringing out some of the side dishes.”
She’d been careful to make sure that the only time she’d spoken to him—or gotten within a twelve-foot radius of him—was when there were plenty of witnesses around to stop her from leaping into his arms and picking up right where they’d left off last night. And what better witness than his straight-laced brother, Dr. Gregson, also nicknamed Saint Drew.
“The hot dogs are done now. By the time you get stuff set out, I should have the first batch of chicken ready to go.” Luke smiled at her and she searched his expression and his words for any sign of what he was feeling. But he was too used to masking his emotions.
So if he was knee-deep in regret, he’d be extra careful not to give off any sign or show any weakness. Just like her.
“Here, Luke,” Drew said, piling the last of the grilled hot dogs onto a tray. “You help Carmen get the food out and I’ll bring the chicken over when it’s ready. Besides, you should be enjoying the festivities.”
Carmen wasn’t sure, but she’d thought the doctor had possibly winked at Luke. Her stomach dropped at the implications of what that could mean. Had Luke told his brother what they’d done inside the family cabin last night? That she’d made a fool of herself in his arms, then run off at the first wail of a siren?
Hopefully, Dr. Gregson just had smoke tickling his bespectacled eye, because she would be mortified if anyone from this town suspected she’d been so weak to fall for a couple of harmless kisses. And some arousing caresses. And the feel of his hands on her... Ugh.
She turned to go into the kitchen in order to carry out the bowls and platters of food she’d worked on last night after getting home. The police call she hadn’t needed to respond to ended up being a couple of drunk tourists that one of the other officers had easily been able to handle on his own. Her cop instinct had been to rush into the fray. It just so happened that timing wise, her woman-in-over-her-head instinct had been to look for any excuse to get the hell out of Luke’s too-intoxicating embrace.
She’d tossed and turned all night thinking about his kiss and the many ways it was going to affect her rapport with the twins once she told Luke that it was best if she didn’t spend any more time directly with him. After the way she’d
behaved last night, she didn’t think she could trust herself around him. A relationship with her was a dead end for any man looking for something permanent. And a man like Luke, who was committed to his family and was hoping for more children, would eventually be relieved in the long run.
By oh two hundred, she’d decided that she’d get through today, focusing on giving Aiden and Caden a memorable birthday party. Then she’d wean herself from their lives. By oh six hundred, she’d given up on any more sleep and had gone into her kitchen to keep herself busy prepping food until it was time to go over to the Gregson cabin.
Luckily, getting the yard decorated and the party set up had kept her and Luke out of each other’s way until all the guests arrived. Now she just needed to get through dinner and then she could officially end her shift and save her soul.
Carmen was pulling a pan of baked beans from the oven when she heard the hinges creak on the back screen door. She turned to see Luke standing there in his cargo shorts and polo shirt, looking twice as good as he’d looked last night. Abuela always said, La fruta prohibida es siempre la mas dulce. Unfortunately, that woman was usually spot on about recipes and forbidden fruit always being sweeter.
“What can I do to help?” he asked.
“We need to get this and the rest of the side dishes outside.” She nodded her head toward the counter loaded down with bowls of potato, macaroni and spinach salads. “Kylie made some sort of coleslaw thing with raisins and marshmallows, but I think she used butter lettuce instead of cabbage so we might want to accidentally forget that in the fridge.”
“My sister-in-law isn’t exactly known for her skills in the kitchen.” Luke grabbed a dish towel and took the hot dish from her hands. She expected him to take it outside, but instead he set it directly down on the kitchen table.
“Actually,” she said, not wanting to sound too bossy but needing to get this situation and her battling emotions under control. “I was thinking we should put all the food on the outside tables so that people aren’t coming in and out of your house.”
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