by Shey Stahl
Our eyes held each other’s for a moment before she mouthed, “I love you,” and then winked.
I smiled and starred down at the microphone as I spoke, just as my mom had done earlier this morning. “This is probably the hardest decision I’ve had to make, but it’s time. Most of you know what the off-season brought with it for our family and the wreck I was in with my dad. As you know, he didn’t walk away like I did.” Though this had already been said before, I said it again. I swallowed over the lump forming in my throat and clung to the only composure I had. My hand trembled holding the microphone. “It took a lot for me to make this decision but I honestly believe it’s time. So...” I paused looking at Sway again. “I’m retiring at the end of the season. Easton Levi will take over my No. 9 Simplex Ford next year.”
I looked to Easton who then looked at me with a mixed reaction. His eyes were wide as they darted from me, to Kyle and then back to me. Even Kyle didn’t know I was retiring until now, but deep down, he knew by the look in my eyes when I saw him in Charlotte last week.
Easton gasped and then mouthed, “Really?” to me. I never told him prior to tonight but I knew he wanted the ride. What distracted me from him was the response from everyone else.
When I saw tears in the eyes of some of the world’s best racers in NASCAR, that me, Jameson Riley, the kid that fought most of his career to be known as Jameson Riley, was hanging it up, I lost it.
I couldn’t look at Kyle and Tate and not cry. I couldn’t look at Bobby and the other members of my team that gathered and not cry. Here were the men who fought just as hard as I did and kept me going when I didn’t think I could go on after Sway’s accident and my dad’s death but I did, because of them.
Only another driver could understand my attachment to racing, aside from my family, and how hard this decision was for me to make but it was time. It may seem meaningless that I came back just to announce my retirement but the fact of the matter was I needed to know that I could.
People gasped, others just stayed silent. Reporters hurled their questions at me but I only saw the woman who pulled me through everything and made me see the light.
My wife.
Back at the hauler, my family had gathered after the news broke.
“So you’re really retiring?” Axel asked when I pulled my racing suit on. It was just him, me and Casten in the hauler now.
“Yeah, I’m really doing it?”
“He’s full of shit.” Casten mumbled with a mouthful of his hamburger.
Chuckling at Casten, I turned back to Axel who was standing with his arms crossed. “It’s just time buddy.”
“Time for you?” Axel asked. “Or time for you and mom?”
Axel knew that I worried about her. Sway never once complained about our lifestyle for the past twenty years but she deserved to live a normal life at some point. If the last few months had taught me anything, it was that we needed some normal. But I also wasn’t doing it just for her. This was just as much about me as it was about our entire family.
“It’s just time.” I patted his shoulder while he rolled his eyes and followed me outside. Of course hundreds of reporters followed me to my car that night, all wanting to get me to say that I was scared or that maybe I couldn’t handle the pressure anymore. Then there were some that speculated problems with me and my sponsor but it had nothing to do with that.
One particular reporter had practically tripped me with his enthusiasm so I answered him more or less to get him away from me. My patience was still not that great.
“Jameson, why would you announce your retirement now? Why not at the end of the season?”
“Because it was time and what I needed to do.” I told him.
He looked at me with a perplexed expression. “So you’re done with racing all together?”
“Just because I’m retiring at the end of the season doesn’t mean I still won’t be a part of racing. Racing is all I’ve ever known. Me retiring doesn’t mean I’m not going to still be a part of it. I just won’t be racing with the NASCAR Cup Series. I’m forty-two.”
“So you’ll still race?”
I grinned. “Guess you’ll have to see.”
The race was uneventful. I had qualified sixth and ended up with another fourth place finish. I’d be lying if I said I was satisfied because anytime I was out on a track, I wanted to win.
My family and I went home after that, I avoided all the media after the race and went straight to my hauler. It may have been rude of me but I just needed some time to myself that night.
When we arrived home, I couldn’t sleep, wondering if I’d made the right decision for me and my family. Wandering downstairs after Sway was asleep I found something I’d never seen before laying in my office off the family room.
It was a book, a scrapbook actually. It wasn’t finished but it had an article in the front about the accident in Knoxville with a picture of the sprint cars on it. There were a few pictures of me in the hospital; doing physical therapy and one of Sway and me the day I was released. There were others of me and the boys eating barbeque and more of Rosa sitting on the couch next to me asleep eating popcorn from a bowl in my lap and drinking my beer.
It was filled with various pictures documenting my recovery.
I’d never seen them before and questioned where it came from. Sitting down in the chair at my desk I read through the articles, got a little teary eyed and then closed the book. That’s when my eyes caught the dates on the cover: Jameson Riley 2022.
Hmmm. Again, I wondered where they came from. I never saw Sway working on them. She never had the patience for scrapbooks.
Turning around in the chair to look at the shelves behind me, I saw them. Each year of my racing life was documented in a scrapbook.
Reaching for the first one dated 1984; I noticed the inside cover that said:
Made with love by Emma Lynn
Emma, my little weirdo sister who called me and asshole on a daily basis, had made these.
When I looked back through the pages of my racing life, the memories were vivid ones. And after coming back from a brain injury, it was reassuring that I remember what I did.
Emma had made an album for every year and yet I’d never seen them until now; or maybe it was I never paid attention to how much hard work she put into my fan club and me as her brother.
The worst part, I seldom thanked her for it.
I laughed at some of the pictures. We were so young in most of them it was hard to believe that was me. But back then, it wasn’t about the money, or the fame. It was about racing because that was the only thing that made sense to you.
My career stats were in there and not just my cup career. It dated back to the first year I started racing in 1984. Everything was there. Photographs, news clippings, trading cards, even the bands we used to wear around our wrists in the pits.
I scanned over the stats she had listed for 1998, the year I set out for the Triple Crown, knowing that was the year I had raced the most.
Jameson Anthony Riley 1998 Season Stats
Northern Sprint Tour
15 races with 10 Feature wins & 2 track records for fast time
World of Outlaws
17 races with 9 Feature wins & 3 track records for fast time
Outlaw Dirt Late Models
36 races with 25 wins & 9 track records for fast time
Modifieds
19 races with 12 wins
USAC Midgets
28 races with 24 wins, 21 top five finishes
Won Championship
USAC Sprints
13 races with 11 wins, 12 top five finishes
Won Championship
USAC Silver Crown
16 races with 13 wins, 15 top five finishes
Won Championship
Specialty Events
Knoxville Nationals
Oil City Cup
Silver Cup
USAC Triple Crown Champion
Indiana Speed Week Champion
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br /> Hut Hundred
I knew I raced a lot that summer but seeing it on paper was an eye opener for just how much I raced. And not only that, damn, I was good!
There were various shots from our summer at Lernerville, Eldora, Elma, Terra Haute...it was all there. There were even a few pictures of all of us, including Ryder, eating at a Denny’s after we were caught in a hurricane in Kansas one spring. Tommy was still holding that damn cat.
There were some from Republic also gave me a chuckle. I was amazed we made it out of that place alive.
My entire career was in books for me to remember.
Hell there were even some dating back to that red go-kart that had started it all for me and the gaping hole in the side of our house from when I adjusted the throttle too much.
My first cup win was there and shots of me and dad celebrating together in victory lane. My first Chili Bowl win, Turkey night, Cooper Classic, Knoxville Nationals...news clippings...magazine articles with me mentioned.
Then there were the ones with Sway and me. Close up photographs from that night at the Howl at the Moon bar that had changed everything between us. We were dancing in the one she inserted, I was staring down at Sway and I looked as happy as did she.
There was a picture that stood out to me of me and Jimi. It was taken when I won my first championship and the way he looked down at me put his death into perspective for me. He loved me not only because I followed my dreams and became so determined to make my dreams come true but because I was his son. It never matter that I raced, that only sweetened the deal for him. It was always because I was his son.
Emma took the time to do this...for me. Everyone in my family cared so much for this dream of mine that they did things like this. And what did I do for them...nothing.
“You found the books.” Sway whispered from behind me. I heard her pad toward me on the wood floor. Her arms slipped over my shoulders and wrapped my neck.
I leaned into her arm, my ear pressed to her forearm. “I never knew she did this.” I choked out.
“She had fun doing it.”
I sighed closing my eyes and then turned the chair around to face her. Moving to sit on the desk in front of me, her legs rested in my lap. Wrapping my arms around her legs I pulled myself closer and leaned into her calf.
“I wish I would have seen these sooner. I feel bad I’ve never thanked her for them.”
“She knows you appreciate it.”
“All the same, I should say thank you.”
“Yes you should...” Sway slipped off the desk and into my lap pressing her forehead to mine. “Those of us that really know you though, the ones that keep you going, we don’t do these things because we’re looking for a thank you.” She told me pressing her lips to mine.
“Huh?”
“Jameson...” she paused tipping her head to look down at me. “You get me coffee nearly every morning aside from the time you were in the hospital and when you couldn’t drive.”
“So?”
“I never ask you to and do you honestly need me to thank you every morning?”
“No. I know you appreciate it. It’s why I do it.”
“Exactly,” she sighed. “Emma, Spencer, Alley, me…the kids…our entire family, we all do this because we love you and we know you appreciate it. It’s never about getting a thank you.”
I laughed against her lips thinking of everything that was in those books. “Did you see the picture in there of Tommy and that damn cat?”
“That one always cracks me up.” Her eyes beamed as she reached for that particular book. “And did you see the one of Emma staring at the Burger King sign with a pouting look that the drive through wouldn’t be open?”
I nodded flipping through the pages of our lives together. “The one of Spencer carrying Alley was one of my favorites too.”
She reached for another book behind her and flipped to a page. “Look at this one of you and Casten at Bristol.”
I laughed out loud at a photograph of me sitting next to my car on the pavement with Casten at about two on my shoulders. He had this huge grin with a corn dog in his hand and dipping it in the ketchup he’d poured in my hair. I looked less than amused.
Sway and I must have stayed up for hours going through those books, remembering, the uniformity each member of our family had brought to our lives over the years.
We were remembering all the moments that I promised her when I said forever. She didn’t need me to retire to live the life she wanted, she had that already.
But for me, I needed a break.
And I intended to thank Emma for this.
28. Four Wide Salute – Jameson
Four Wide Salute – A four wide salute is where the field of cars line up four wide, waving to the crowd, in attempt to show their appreciation for the fans attending at the start of the nights main event.
“What is that?” Emma asked curiously looking at the bag I sat in front of her. With a smirk, I sat down on her couch watching.
“It’s a present.” I told her with a smile, a rather proud one as I leaned back. Though Sway told me it really wasn’t necessary for me to do so, I needed to show Emma just how much I appreciated those scrapbooks.
Emma crossed her arms over her tiny chest. “Now why would my brother, the one who usually tells me to fuck off at least once a week, buy me something?”
“I saw the scrapbooks.” I hinted with another smirk.
She looked at me for a moment and then tilted her head.
“It’s just a gift to say thank you Emma.” I said. “But...if you don’t want it...” I reached for the bag only to have her slap my hand away.
“I never said that.” Emma reached for the bag herself and looked inside. “Oh my god Jameson!” her face lit up. “Where did you find these? I’ve looked everywhere for them.”
Emma had an obsession with these candles she found in Cape St. Claire Maryland a few years ago but hadn’t found them since. With the help of Arie, we tracked down the maker who apparently quit making them a few years back. I had a knack for persuasion. I ended up giving her husband some free tickets to a NASCAR race, had lunch with them, and she made the exact scent Emma loved.
“I pulled a few strings.”
“Wow, I can’t believe this. I love these things.” She gushed and arranged them on her mantel above their fireplace next to their wedding photo.
It was nice seeing her happy again. Emma hid it well but she was just as sad as all of us that dad died. One would think her enthusiasm for everything would mean she wasn’t bothered by it but she was. Emma just showed her mourning in different ways. She planned events and made scrapbooks and redecorated our homes. She dealt with the death the only way she knew how. That’s all any of us did.
Standing, I walked over to her before she started to rearrange her family room just so that candles looked perfect. Believe me, she’s done this before.
“Thanks for everything you’ve done for me and Sway.” I said sincerely pulling her into a hug.
Just like my mother, she broke down and started crying against my chest.
“Oh jeez, not this again,” I teased chuckling softly as I let her cry.
Emma giggled despite her tears. “You’re such an asshole.”
“That’s more like it.” I laughed. “Now let me take my little sister to dinner.”
Emma and I ended up going to this barbeque restaurant we loved and eat our body weight in smoked ribs. I hadn’t eaten that much in a long time and contemplated being rolled out of the restaurant.
We talked about dad, all the good times we had with him and then she brought up the accident. “Do you feel like it’s your fault?”
I was quiet for a moment, took a drink of my beer and then answered her honestly. “No...I did. I won’t lie. But just like Darrin, it wasn’t within my control. I can’t control what happens on a racetrack. I can to an extent but wrecks...they’re not planned.” I shook my head as I set my beer on the table. Emma listened intently
. “But I also know that something wasn’t right about the accident and with Grady…well, we will never know and I’m not going to dwell on it. I saw how much me hanging on to what happened with Sway hurt over the years. I don’t want to do that again.”
Emma’s eyes met mine. “But do you believe that? Do you honestly believe it wasn’t your fault?”
“Now I do. It took a while but yes, I do. Even if the tire hadn’t blown or the axle and bearing didn’t break, on dirt, anything can happen.” I leaned back in the chair looking out the window at the cars passing by. The headlights from the vehicles flashed against the window. “You always think; what if this hadn’t happened or what if I didn’t choose that line...but nothing is going to bring him back. It happened.”
Emma, who was watching the cars as well, looked over at me. “I’m really glad you’re okay. I’m not sure we could have gone on if one of you hadn’t made it.”
Smiling at her, I asked. “Why did you make those books for me?”
Emma sighed as though this should have been obvious. “Even though you are an asshole...I do love you. You, Spencer, Sway, Alley...you guys don’t know how much I’ve enjoyed just being a part of all this.”
“You mean racing?”
“Yeah, I’ve enjoyed every minute of it.” She said sincerely. “I mean, growing up selling t-shirts for dad and being involved was fun but by that time dad had all that stuff taken care by people who knew what they were doing. You...” she smiled, her bright blue eyes glowed. “You really did need me there for you.”
“We all made a great team, didn’t we?”
“We did.” She agreed with another warm smile. “Even after dad started the Cup team, I still look back to those summers where we lived out of your truck. They were and still are some of the best summers of my life.”