by Woods, Karen
Mike went to his son’s side and stroked his face. Gladys came to join him. They watched as Shaun’s eyes flickered. He looked sad. The days were passing fast and Shaun s hope of ever waking up were slim. His parents hugged each other and prayed he would come through the other side.
Chapter Eighteen
Shaun’s life had gone downhill pretty fast. His face now showed the signs of a long term junkie. His skin was grey and his cheek bones stuck out from his face. His once toned body was just a sack of bones. Shaun’s collarbone stuck out from his anorexic body. His waist no longer existed and all his clothes hung from him.
In times of distress he would go to Moston cemetery where his friend Colby was laid to rest. Pinching flowers from other graves on his way in, Shaun would always place some on his mate’s resting place. He didn’t care that the flowers were from someone else’s grave for their loved one, he just saw it as borrowing.
Colby’s grave always looked well maintained. The words on his black headstone always made Shaun fill up. As his tears fell he placed his hand on the headstone and stroked the letters of his friend’s name.
“Fucking hell mate. I’m in such a mess. I’d be better off with you.” He sank to the ground and his head rested on the head stone. He looked like he was whispering to the grave. Shaun sat reading some cards that were at the side of him and held one to his heart.
“I miss you so much. You would have got my arse in gear wouldn’t you? I’m a bad smackhead now Colby. Like the people we used to laugh at, I’ve become one of them. Even my family have disowned me mate.” His head dipped as he pulled his hood up over his head. His knees were up to his chest and his arms cradled around them. Small droplets of rain started to fall and Shaun looked up towards the heavens.
“Please Lord, help me. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Please, please.” Shaun sobbed and but only a few birds heard his plea. The brown sparrows hopped near him and seemed to stare at him. As he snivelled, he wiped his nose on his sleeve.
“Right mate. I’ve got to go. If you can hear me Colby, please help me.” Shaun walked from the graveside and dug his hands into his pocket rubbing his pebble frantically. A few people looked at him as he came to the exit and could see he was upset. His pace quickened as he got to the main road. Shaun was roasting for drugs again.
Julie was out selling her body again and Shaun had told her he would come and meet her down Cheetham Hill as soon as he made some money. Lizzy had told him months before that she was on the game. He didn’t seem to mind. She was supplying him with drugs and that was all that mattered to him these days. Julie was the one who got Shaun selling his arse. One night, as he waited for her, she had stood for over an hour without a punter and he could see her holding her stomach. They were both desperate. Shaun’s pain felt like boiling hot coals were being dropped onto his skin. Sinking his head he prayed his roast would soon would be over.
Shaun heard a car engine approaching and lifted his head from his knees. As he saw it drive past Julie he mumbled under his breath and looked gutted. The red car now started to pull up slowly near him. At first he thought it was someone asking for directions and stood up ready to help. He could see an older man of about fifty in the driving seat. Twisting his pebble in his pocket he walked towards the car. The man looked well dressed and the window was wound half way down. He could hear him talking and stuck his head inside the window. The man looked him up and down before he spoke.
“Are you looking for business?” Shaun wanted to jump in the car and kick fuck out of the old pervert but his words were locked into his mouth. He watched the man counting his money on his lap and froze as he held two twenties in front of him. The punter spoke in a Manchester accent. “So, are you getting in or what?”
Shaun felt like he was in a dream and nothing seemed real. Before he knew it he was sat in the car being driven away. Julie had seen him disappear but just thought it was someone he knew. The car came to a standstill and the old fart started unzipping his pants. He sat covering his nob with one wrinkled hand. Shaun tried to think of his next move. The money was on the dashboard and his mind was racing. He wasn’t gay. He knew that so why was he even in the car with this man? The punter passed him the money. Shaun shoved it in his back pocket. The gobble was over quite quickly and he made him come over his own legs. He told him there was no way he was swallowing it. It was over in a flash. The man just zipped up his strides and drove away with a contented smirk on his face.
Shaun sat in an alleyway twiddling his pebble in his pocket. He pulled it up towards his face and stroked it along his cheek. His body was shaking more than ever now and his tears were flowing like a river of self-despair. He stood up and made his way to score. He didn’t think of telling Julie where he was and wanted to have all the drugs to himself. This was his little secret and he would never tell anyone what he’d done to feed his habit.
Later, back in Tavistock Square, his heart sank as he entered the phone box. He quickly dialled the number for the dealer and told him what he wanted. The square was well known for dealing and another druggie stood a bit away from him waiting to score too.
Shaun sat on a small concrete wall. His arse felt cold. Looking at the row of shops he remembered happier times when he and his mates use to knock about there. Things had changed so much since then. Women now held their purses close to their chest and anything valuable would be hidden away from the preying smackheads that waited there. Police often patrolled the square but at this late hour it looked like a ghost town.
A silver Mondeo pulled up and Shaun walked towards it with speed. The deal was done in seconds and the car sped off. Holding the small bag of brown powder he made his way to his mother’s house. She would be in bed by now and he could inject there without sharing it with Julie. He now walked as if he’d shit himself and the sweat was more than visible on his forehead.
His mother’s house looked in darkness as he approached. He could see a small light on in her bedroom window and knew she could still be up reading. Gladys would often read until late and he hoped she might still be awake to let him in.
Looking for a small stone in the garden he threw it up towards her bedroom window. Within seconds he saw Gladys’s worried face at the window. Her face stuck to the glass and he could see her struggling to see who it was. Shaun stood back and waved his hands in the air.
“Mam it’s me. Open the door will ya?”
He knew by her face he was gonna get an earful and prepared for a tongue-lashing. The sound of the key in the back door let him know she was there. As she opened the door she was wearing her pink fluffy housecoat. Her hair looked a mess and you could tell she had just woken up.
“What fucking time do you call this? I’m sick to death of you coming here at all hours waking me up. I don’t sleep at the best of times and you’re not helping.” Shaun pushed past her and smiled.
“For fuck’s sake mam. I’ve had shit with Julie and I had nowhere else to stay. You wouldn’t want me sleeping on the street would you?” His mother pulled a sour face and headed back to bed in a huff. He could hear her still moaning as she went up the stairs. “Fuck off ya moaning twat!” he mumbled.
Looking round the living room he went to his secret hiding place that contained his syringes and all the stuff he needed to inject the heroin. Gathering all he needed his hands shook as he tied his mother’s old scarf tightly onto his upper arm. Shaun had turned on the small light and he was struggling to find a vein. Finally the silver pin entered his skin. He felt the rush and sunk onto a chair. The hit was never as good as the first time but he still chased the feeling. The needle remained inserted into his vein as he loosened the scarf around it. He looked spaced out and just sat staring with his eyes half-opened.
Gladys lay in bed and started reading again. Sleep was a million miles away now and she couldn’t relax knowing her son was downstairs. Holding her book in her hands she listened carefully. She thought Shaun would have followed her up to bed but there was no sign of
him. Quickly she searched for her purse. Her face went white as she realised she’d left it downstairs. She mumbled under her breath as she made her way to the living room. “If he’s been in my purse I’ll fucking kill him! I haven’t got a penny to my name and if he thinks he can steal from me I’ll show him.” Gladys crept inside the living room and could just about see hers son’s arm hanging from the chair. As she turned the main light on her body froze as she saw his arm with the syringe still sticking in it. She stopped breathing and held her hand over her mouth. She was frozen. As she made her way nearer to him she thought he was dead. She frantically shook his body.
“Shaun, Shaun wake up!” she could see his eyes flickering and sighed. Gladys pulled the needle from his vein and quickly threw it onto the table as if it was poison. Dark red blood trickled down his arm. She felt as though her head was going to burst and she held her hands to her head screaming.
“You dirty, dirty bastard. Fucking injecting drugs in your own mother’s house. Have you got no respect?” Shaun rolled over and covered his face as Gladys took off her white slipper and set about him. Her face was red with anger as each word she spoke she meant.
“I brought you into this world and I’ll take you out of it. You fucking disgust me.” Her hand was swinging the slipper onto Shaun’s body. Her words were fierce as she whacked him. “You dirty, dirty cunt.” Gripping his t-shirt she yanked him from the chair onto the floor. Shaun just covered his face and hid away the shame he felt.
Gladys eventually got Shaun to bed. She wanted to get him out of her house but the fear of him leaving sent shivers down her spine. She didn’t want to have his death on her conscience. Watching him climb into bed, her heart broke in two. Slamming the bedroom door Gladys collapsed. Her life was all about her son and the worse thing was, she knew it. Everyday all she worried about was his safety, whether he’d eaten and even if he was still alive. She’d imagined in her head so many times the day the police would come knocking on her door to tell her he was dead. Her other children were sick of her and the way she worried about him. So many times in the past Katie and Paul had told her that they needed her as well but she just ignored them telling them Shaun had problems.
For years now her son had ruled her life and she couldn’t see things ever changing. Dragging herself up from her knees she entered her bedroom. Lighting a cig she stared at the walls. They’d seen so many tears over the years and she expected them to see a lot more before her time was up. Sitting back on her bed she pulled the small fur blanket around her shoulders. She was still shaking. Every noise she heard throughout the night she would get up out of bed and go and check on Shaun. It annoyed her how he was sleeping and she couldn’t sleep a wink.
The following morning Gladys entered Shaun’s bedroom. Their eyes met and he tried to smile at her. She looked livid but he knew he could win her round. He’d done it all his life and today was no different.
“Do us a brew mam. My mouth tastes hanging.” Gladys shook her head and left the room heading downstairs. Shaun heard the sound of her stirring his brew downstairs and smiled. Dragging himself out of bed he quickly went for a piss in the toilet.
Shaun entered the bathroom and was faced with the mirror on the wall. He didn’t want to look at himself but it felt like the mirror was a magnet and he was drawn toward it. He knew how much he’d changed and stared blankly. Filling the sink with cold water he threw it over his face. The water could never clean away his sins but he swilled it around his face as if it would. Grabbing a small hand-towel from the radiator he patted it on his face. Taking a deep breath he headed down stairs to meet his mother.
Shaun sat in the chair watching the TV. The Jeremy Kyle show was on and he watched it with interest. Gladys came in holding his brew and two pieces of toast. There was no way she would let him leave the house without eating, she just couldn’t do it. Shaun thanked her as he took the cup from her grip. She sat near him and lit a cig. Gladys knew she would have to mention the night before and spoke in a calming tone.
“Shaun I’m not having that in my house. You’re lucky I didn’t phone the police on you.” He carried on watching the TV as he spoke casually.
“I’m sorry mam. It’s just my head was up my arse and all that last night. I won’t do it again,” Gladys felt a wave of love flow through her body. She sat looking at him eat his toast and spoke.
“Why can’t you try and get clean Shaun. You can go to the doctors and get that stuff they give you to get off heroin.” Shaun turned and faced her.
“You mean Methadone mam.” She nodded.
“Yeah that’s it. Why don’t you let me book you in at the doctors? I’ll come with you if you want?” Shaun looked at her cunningly.
“It’s not as easy as that mam. I’ll need help to get off the shit. It doesn’t happen overnight.”
His mother came to his side and cradled him with tears in her eyes. “I’ll help you all I can son. We can get through this together you know.” Shaun dipped his head onto her lap and pretended to cry. His mother stroked his head. He knew the moment was right and seized the opportunity to get some money off her.
“Okay mam. I just need to go and score one last time. I’m roasting already and the time we get in to see the doctor I’ll be on the floor. Can you lend me twenty quid?” Gladys was quiet. She seemed to be deep in thought as she stroked her son’s head on her lap. She knew it was wrong to give him money, but it was going to be his last time wasn’t it, she thought. Shaun raised his head and the crocodile tears he’d forced from his eyes were visible. His mother wiped them away with her finger and spoke.
“Alright. I’ll give you the money. I don’t want it back either. I just want you to get clean and off drugs.” He bounced up from her knees and urged her to give him the money. He wasn’t listening to a word she said and just concentrated on the money she was getting from her purse. As she passed it to him she gave him some orders.
“I’m going to phone the doctors now. I’ll make sure you get an appointment for about four o’clock is that okay?” Shaun grabbed the money from her hand and quickly grabbed his coat.
“Yeah I’ll be back later mam. Don’t worry I won’t let you down.” He left the house slamming the door behind him. Gladys felt like she was winning for once in her life and sat on the chair beside the phone. Once she’d got through to the doctors she made the appointment for quarter past four. A smile filled her face and she thought of a life without her son on drugs.
Katie entered the back door. Gladys couldn’t wait to tell her the news and lit a cig as she spoke proudly. Her voice was giddy.
“Shaun’s going to the doctors later. He’s already booked in you know. He wants to get clean and off the smack.”
Katie raised her eyes and sighed. She had her own problems and needed her mother’s advice. As she listened to her mam going on she knew she would have to take her problems elsewhere. Katie had a black eye and Gladys hadn’t even noticed it as she was too engrossed in Shaun’s life.
Katie made a brew and watched as Gladys cleaned up. She seemed alive again and full of life. As her mother spoke it was Shaun this and Shaun that. Katie held in her anger. For as long as she could remember her brother had always been the apple of her mother’s eye. She resented that he’d taken all her mother’s love and left none for her and Paul. Gladys came back into the front room and she was dressed. She hung her black fur coat over the chair and dusted it down with her flat palm as it hung there. The black fur coat was her mother’s pride and joy and she only wore it when she was going somewhere special. The anger inside Katie was boiling and she couldn’t take it anymore. As she watched Gladys buzzing like a bumble bee she let rip.
“What’s the fur coat all about? You’re only going to the fucking doctors, not to meet the Queen.” Gladys screwed her face up and walked to her side.
“Listen you. I’m making the effort for our Shaun. He’s trying you know. You want to try and give him some support as well. He’s your brother.” Katie stood up and
grabbed her bag. She couldn’t stand a moment more listening to her bull shit. She walked to the door, but as she held the handle down to leave she turned her head towards Gladys.
“Mam, he’s a fucking baghead. Once a smackhead, always a smackhead. You’re fucking stupid if you think he’s coming back here later. Trust me he’ll be shooting up somewhere with his scumbag mates. The sooner you stop treating him like your blue eyed boy the better. You do have other kids who need you too, you know.” Gladys scowled and opened fire. She knew her daughter’s words were true but she couldn’t help defending Shaun.
“You have always been the same Katie. What’s the matter, aren’t you getting all my attention for a change or something?” Katie nearly choked. She was fuming as she let her have it back.
“Attention from you. You must be fucking joking. It was my birthday last week. Where’s my fucking card,” she said sarcastically, “Oh I forgot. You’re so caught up in that junkie’s life that you don’t care about your other kids. Anyway, you do what you’re doing. Let’s see whose laughing later when you’re sat there twiddling your thumbs waiting for that tosser.” Katie slammed the back door and left. Gladys carried on getting ready and all that was on her mind was that her son was going to get clean from drugs. She imagined him without drugs in his life and a smiled filled her face as she sat watching the clock for the rest of the day.
*
The clock ticked loudly as Gladys lit another cig. It was half past four and there was still no sign of him. Gladys stood at the back-door and scanned the area. She lived in hope he was running late and sat waiting with her black fur coat on.
Shaun sat in Ged’s flat listening to his CD. “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” was being played at full volume. The CD was the only thing he owned now. It held so many memories for him and no matter how low he got he would never sell it. Sitting with a roll up hanging from his mouth he heard Julie coming into the flat. When she entered she slapped him around the head.