by Stark, Rhona
‘Oh really?’ said Teresa. It was like she was a bad guy from a movie, the way she was loving speaking every word.
‘Yes,’ I said, nervous, ‘we both like the paintings of Picasso.’
‘Is that so? Do you prefer his blue period, or maybe his crystal period?’ She smiled like a snake.
‘Actually,’ Ali butted in, ‘we were just saying that it’s not that helpful to prefer any one of his styles of painting, much better to view his entire career as one long, developmental period, to see all of this experimentation as equally good.’
This woman was a genius. I nodded along as she spoke, but what was that she was doing? Had Ali subconsciously touched the ring finger of her left hand as she was speaking? What was going on?
‘So how do you two know each other,’ I asked, as innocently as I could manage.
‘Oh we go way back,’ Teresa said.
There was a very awkward silence, and then Ali said, ‘Well, we should be getting off, anyway.’
As we turned to leave the gallery, Teresa called out, ‘Say hello to Carmen for me, Ali, won’t you?’ As she heard the word Carmen, Ali winced. Who was Carmen?
CHAPTER NINETEEN
‘So how do you know Teresa?’ I asked.
We were sitting in the light, airy space of a restaurant called Claudette, on 5th Avenue, a short walk from the Guggenheim. Ali had been noticeably shaken by our meeting with Teresa, and it was strange to see her anything but confident. I wanted to reach over an squeeze her hand, but she’d been weirdly off with me ever since the encounter.
‘It’s a long story. I haven’t seen her in years I’m sorry, Cassie-’
As she started to speak, a fancy-looking man in a waistcoat came to our table.
‘Can I take your drinks order, Mademoiselles?’ Was this guy for real? He had a thick French accent, but it kinda sounded fake, like it was taking him a lot of effort or something.
‘Could we have a bottle of the Malbec please, and perhaps a couple of brandies? I need my nerves settling.’
The waiter dutifully whisked off and came back with the requested drinks. I’d never really had a brandy before, and I found the drink to be pretty good. It was sweet and heady, with a richness that I hadn’t expected. I’d been exposed to more culture in day than I had in the past year!
‘I had no idea that your boss was that Teresa. Well, it all makes sense now. The stories you told me about her. How do you manage to not go mad? How do you stay at work?’
‘It’s a challenge.’
‘And she doesn’t pay you? She can afford to, god-damn it. What a tight ass.’
The whole time I was sitting there, I just wanted to ask her about Carmen. Who was she? Her wife? A lover? An old friend? Her best friend? Her one true confidant and best lover of all time? Carmen. What a stupid, exotic, sexy, exciting name. Of course it would be her wife. God, I knew this was too good to be true. And obviously the strange patch on her ring finger, and the way she kept rubbing it.
So,’ I said, trying to keep my voice as calm and casual as possible, ‘who’s Carmen?’
She looked a little nervous.
‘Carmen is…an old friend. Someone who I haven’t seen for a long time, too. Man, I was not expecting to have to be talking about Carmen today. Ugh. We used to be close, but, well, like I say, I haven’t seen her in a long time.’ She lifted her wine glass to her lips, a small grimace playing on her face.
‘An old flame?’ I said, trying my hardest not to scream or shout.
‘Something like that.’
The rest of the meal was pretty uneventful. It was pleasant, sure, and the food was delicious, but it felt like some of that intimacy we’d built up over the day was lost, like I was talking to Ali through glass. I didn’t want to pressure her into giving away details of her past. I mean, for heck’s sakes, she’d been so understanding and good with me, but it just felt like she was holding something back from me.
When we finally parted ways, I wasn’t quite sure how I felt. It had been the most amazing couple days of my life, and in a lot of ways I was very happy and excited. But meeting Teresa in the gallery had definitely dampened my spirits. I guess I’d just have to be patient again. It was such a shame to have made so much progress, and then to feel like I was back at square one.
As she looked into my eyes and said goodbye, my heart was racing. It had started to rain, and without an umbrella or hood, my hair was starting to get wet.
‘I’ll call a cab for you, if you like?’ she said.
‘Sure,’ I replied, as we ducked under the awning of a different hotel.
‘I’ve had an amazing time with you,’ she said.
I nodded in response, not knowing what to say.
‘I’d like to see you again,’ she said.
‘I’d like that too.’ She hugged me under the awning and we waited for the cab. When it came, she kissed me. It was a kind of tender, soft kiss that I’d not had from her before. As the kiss lasted longer, she squeezed me tight, and felt swept up in emotion. It was so different to the last time we’d stood together in the rain.
‘See you,’ she said, ‘text me whenever you want.’
It was a lonely cab ride home. The driver must have thought I was a mess, soaking wet. I felt the familiar hot, stinging sensation in my eyes and I knew tears where close, but I couldn’t work out exactly why.
Come on, Cassie, I thought to myself. Maybe she was just an old friend. Maybe she wasn’t keeping anything from me. Could I put up with it, even if she did have a secret? Could I see her again, knowing that she might be hiding something from me?
One thing had become crystal clear to me over the course of the last couple of days. I wasn’t interested in seeing Travis again. Or any man . Ever again.
I didn’t want to lead the poor guy on, so I decided I’d call him tomorrow, let him know that I didn’t feel like there was a spark between us. I wanted passion, I wanted excitement. Heck, I wanted a pussy . I wanted Ali’s pussy.
So, the plan was straightforward. Tomorrow, I’d go to work, just like any other day. At lunch-time, I’d call Travis, break it off with him. Then, in the evening, I’d send Ali a message. I’d tell her we needed to talk. Then we’d meet, I’d ask her straight up what the deal was with us, then I’d see how life would pan out.
I felt in control again.
I stepped out of the cab and stood by the window, waiting to pay the cabbie.
‘Everything OK, darling?’ he said to me in a thick Brooklyn accent.
‘I think everything’s going to be just fine.’ I said. I even gave that guy a tip.
If only I could have known just how different tomorrow was going to be from my plans.
CHAPTER TWENTY
I don’t know why I couldn’t sleep that night. OK, maybe I do know why I couldn’t sleep. It was the insane mix of emotions that were crashing around my brain! Happiness, confusion, sadness, elation, you name it. I felt like I was going totally insane. I bet staying up so late the day before hadn’t helped either, my body clock was probably totally shot! I tried everything, getting up and exercising, listening to a Moth podcast (that normally puts me to sleep in five seconds flat). Heck, I even tried counting sheep! But I know that I was up ’til at least two, if not three o’clock in the morning.
To say that I overslept is an understatement. I’ve been late for work before, but never like this. When I finally rustled myself awake and looked at my phone, it was midday.
‘What the fuck?’ I said out loud, as though it might actually help with something. I had to think fast, move fast.
There were fourteen missed calls on my phone. All from work. Fuck Fuck Fuck.
I got dressed as quick as I could, not even bothering to shower. I’m just gonna have to stink, I thought to myself, as I slipped on the most sensible pair of shoes I owned. I had been planning to tidy the apartment a little before leaving today, I’d left it messy over the weekend, but there was clearly no time for that now.
I message
d Teresa to say sorry I was late, and headed out. I figured that calling the office would just slow me down. I was sure Teresa would appreciate the fact I was trying to get in as soon as possible, right?
The worst part of being late was having to wait for a delayed subway train. I was doing my best to be as quick as I can, but life was doing all it could to make me later and later. First five minutes, then ten, until finally the train thundered its way into the station. It was totally rammed of course, full of tourists in statue of liberty hats and I <3 NY t-shirts.
By the time I got into work, it was already past one o’clock.
I tried to avoid the looks of my co-workers (and stayed far enough away from them to make sure they couldn’t smell me!) and headed into my little cave room. Thank God I hadn’t seen Teresa. Maybe I could get her to think that I’d come in earlier than I actually had? Maybe because she saw me outside of work yesterday we were now somehow friends or something, and she’d go easy on me.
Who was I kidding?
My emails didn’t make for cheery reading. There were a couple from just past nine from Teresa basically asking me if I was in. Then there weren’t any for a couple hours, until at 11:31am, I had one with the subject line: My Office
Cassie, I presume you have a good reason for not being here. Please come to my office as soon as you arrive so that you can explain it to me.
Teresa
I guess that that kinda sounded reasonable? God damn I’d already missed my lunch break, which meant that I wasn’t going to be able to call Travis until I got home. Ugh. Breaking something off with someone is hard enough, let alone when your plans have to keep changing.
I adjusted my hair, and headed to Teresa’s lair.
She was sitting behind her desk, and her swivel chair was set so that she was just looking out of the window at Manhattan below. When I cleared my throat to let her know I was here, she slowly rotated so that she was looking at me. She had this crazy grin on her face, like she was just in the middle of chewing up something that tasted disgusting, but she was being forced to eat.
‘Cassie, Cassie, Cassie,’ she said, hissing the ‘s’ in the middle of my name, ‘whatever are we going to do with you? One day I see you at the Guggenheim of all places, walking around with a New York big shot lesbian like Ali Stracelli, looking like a young socialite, the next you show up four hours late for work. It’s hardly the first poor showing here, is it? There have been many little indiscretions. I seem to remember you were incredibly tardy just last week, after I asked you to pick me up a simple sandwich. You’ve been getting personal deliveries to work, strange gifts from who knows what strange person… or woman .’ She fixed me with an incandescent glare.
‘I’m sorry Teresa, it won’t happen again.’
‘Won’t it? How can I be sure?’
I gulped. I don’t think I’d ever seen Teresa as angry as this before. Her face seemed transformed, nostrils enlarged. It was like she was a dragon, waiting to swoop down and devour me.
‘Do you know how many young women and men we have queuing up to be interns here, my dear? Hundreds. Hundreds and hundreds. They would kill for an opportunity like the one you’ve been given. And you show up consistently late. You balk at the tasks I ask of you, and you disrespect me.’ What was she talking about?
‘How have I disrespected you, Teresa?’
‘You mocked me for my relationship,’ she said, quickly, with no relish at all. I had no idea what she meant though, I hadn’t thought I’d been cruel about her situation at home. What had happened to her to make her like this?
‘I’m sorry if you feel that way, I didn’t-’
‘Quiet,’ she interrupted. I felt a mixture of furious and pathetic. Indignant and resigned. It seemed like the emotional roller-coaster of the past few days was in no danger of slowing down.
‘Tell me right now, why I shouldn’t fire you?’
Fire me? Fire me? I didn’t even work for her! She’d never paid me a dime! Then I did something that I never would have thought myself capable of.
‘The reason you shouldn’t fire me, you dried-up old husk,’ I said, out of control of my mouth, ‘is because I quit. Right here, right now. You can fuck your internship. Get someone else to be your slave.’
I turned, and was about to walk out of the room when Teresa said: ‘Dear me, Cassie. I might be a dried-up old husk. I might be having troubles with my marriage. But at least I’m not ruining someone else’s.’
I turned back around. ‘Just what do you mean by that?’
‘You mean you don’t know?’ She let out a crazy, high-pitched squeal of a laugh. ‘Well, I suppose you had better just ask Ali then, hadn’t you?’
And those were the last words I ever heard from Teresa.
As I walked out of the building, I sent a message to the only person I could count on to help me in a time like this.
Deb, I think I’ve just ruined my life. Can I come over? I need a shoulder to cry on.
Deb messaged back to let me know that I could go see her. I stepped onto the warm subway again, my world turned upside-down, and this time, the tears didn’t just threaten, they arrived in force. I sat in the corner of a carriage, trying desperately not to be noticed, but I knew from the weird silence and the clunking of the train on the tracks that everyone was looking at me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
I wouldn’t normally visit Debbie in the daytime. I had often wondered what she did, whether she just changed diapers all day while Andy was at work. Did she watch daytime TV? I was amazed to find her in the garage, working on an upholstery project.
She was there, with an old chair and a hammer, fixing strips of upholstery tape onto its underside.
‘Cassie!’ she said, rising from her work, ‘what’s happened?’
‘Well,’ I said, ‘I either just got fired from my placement at Bryce-Smith, or a quit.’
‘You quit?’
‘Well, only because Teresa was about to fire me.’
‘Oh Cass, what happened? Why was she going to fire you?’
So, I explained the situation, that I’d been later and later to work, that I’d put my foot in it with Teresa about her relationship somehow. But for some reason, I held back. I didn’t tell her about Ali. As we talked more, it seemed as though she was onto me though, like she knew things weren’t adding up.
‘It just seems like such an over-reaction from her. I mean I know she’s nuts, but you were good at that job, you always worked late. I always thought she was going to give you a permanent, paid contract.’
‘Me too,’ I said, sniffing.
‘What are you going to do now?’ she asked. ‘Weren’t they paying back your student debt for you?’ That’s right, Teresa’s company had been paying the loan back. Now that was going to have to put on ice until I found something new.
‘I don’t know what I’m going to do,’ I replied, ‘it took me long enough to find the job at Bryce-Smith, and it wasn’t even a paid job. There’s only so long that I can afford to not get paid. I really thought there’d be a contract for me at the end of it.’
We walked into the living room and Debbie made some tea. Aidan was upstairs sleeping, thank the Lord, so we had some quiet time to ourselves.
‘Hey, I’ve had an idea! Why don’t you see if Travis can get you a job at his engineering firm? I know it’s not as glamorous as marketing, but at least it’d pay the bills.’
Oh jeez. Travis. Time to come clean.
‘Well the thing is, I don’t know if I’m going to see Travis again.’ As I said this, Debbie’s eyes widened. She blew onto her tea.
‘He said that the date went well.’
‘It did. Kinda. I mean…. you know…. he’s nice and all.’
‘Nice? He’s more than nice! He’s gorgeous and dependable, and he could really look after you.’
I felt a sudden surge of anger. Why was everyone trying to tell me what to do? I didn’t want a man to look after me. I didn’t want to walk into a job just bec
ause I was sleeping with my boss! I wanted to stand on my own two feet, to find my own way in the world. Sure, I might make some mistakes, but at least they would be my mistakes to make.
‘Debbie, I just don’t find him exciting. He’s not what I want from life right now. Or ever.’
‘Oh, and just what is it that you do want? You’ve barely stayed with a man for more than a week. You’re not getting any younger.’
From somewhere nearby, the sound of Aidan crying floated across the tinny speaker of a baby monitor.
‘Debbie,’ I said, ‘the last thing I need right now is to be told off for my life choices. Look, you’ve got a great life here, you’ve got a baby, you’ve got a husband, but not everybody wants that. I don’t want that. Not a husband, anyway.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because,’ I said. ‘Because I’m a-’
‘I’ll be back in a second,’ she said, and took a bottle of milk from the fridge before heading up the stairs. The time for me to be timid and unsure of myself had passed. If there was anything that I’d learned from my recent experiences, it’s that being assertive had led to good things. The more I thought about me quitting my job, the better I felt about it. I mean, for goodness’ sake, I’d literally been warming Teresa’s seat most mornings of work. What was I, a human cushion?
So, I decided that it was time to come clean, about everything.
When Debbie returned with a sleeping baby in her arms, she looked a lot more calm.
‘Look Cassie, I’m sorry if I’ve been trying to influence your life, I just care for you, and I want to make sure that you’re happy.’
‘Deb, don’t worry. I’ve got something to tell you. It might take a while. You see, I’ve been seeing someone.’
‘Really?’ Deb looked down at Aidan, and then up at me again, her eyes wide.
I told her all of it. From meeting Ali in the rain, to going back to her hotel room. I told her what she did and what she was like, and the incredible experiences we’d had together. I told her how I felt about my sexuality now. That I wasn’t even bisexual. I was confident that I was a lesbian.