“Of course they’ll be here, they adore you.” A pang mirrored the pain my words gave her. She loved them too. Forget it and move on, I told myself, and changed the conversation from painful memories to painful reality. “What are your plans for the day? We can go to the hospital, or visit your Nana.”
There wasn’t an answer, only the noise was from the shower. She had left me alone without letting us finish the conversation, so like Emma. I texted my brothers and then emailed my people about my whereabouts. When she came outside dressed and ready to go, I headed to the shower.
The spray from the water calmed the tension my body collected through the night. The cheap date, Emma’s call, Emma’s break down and lying down next to her. Had she felt the hard on I pressed to her back? Morning sex was off the plate. Correction, the possibility of sex was null. Images from the internal war I lived through, after the explosion, reminded me why I let her go. A woman like Emma deserved a loving husband and a beautiful family.
Back when I turned eighteen, I exchanged alcohol for guns and women for the thrill of becoming a hero. The lighthearted boy who once cohabitated my body, died soon after that. Who I became went through life ignoring the blissful impressions others talk about. Family mattered; I had one, no need to extend it. Adding a wife and children would only add to the burden of more loved ones that I could lose. Those people I shared so much with died without a second thought. I shut off the shower, slipped on the jeans I wore the day before and the same t-shirt and made a note to send Liam or Mitch for new clothes. Emma’s lotions, moisturizers and other beauty products took over the vanity table. The expandable woman attacked, it reminded me of the way my bathroom looked when she visited me. Now her things stood next to mine, neatly organized by the housekeeper, whom I forbade to trash them.
Did I need closure? We had it. The night she said ‘I left you because I love you,’ and I responded, ‘you’re right, I love you, therefore I should leave you,’ and I did. What would my therapist think about me? Mom, she half killed me. ‘Did I do something wrong? Your Dad and I have a great, healthy marriage. We’re a good example, those friends with benefits relationships are stupid, Jacob Knight.’ They weren’t, Emma and I had a blast, and very intelligent conversations in and out of the bed.. Our relationship didn’t have a name, but we had been exclusive and shared a whole lot more than sex, as Mom implied. Leaving those thoughts behind, I opened the door of the bathroom, and encountered the table in the small living room full of breakfast food. My brothers sat on the couch eating along with Emma.
“Got you some clean clothes,” Mitch said, and used his head to point toward the Nordstrom bag. “Mom called, they gave me an ETA of eleven. Emma’s grandma had a bad night, the nurses reported. Liam has a few places that Em likes, but nothing in Manhattan.” I arched my eyebrow.
“Context,” I said, and looked at Emma, who devoured a bowl of berries. “What’s with you and the berries, Em? You even smell like one.”
“I don’t.” She sniffed her arms, hands and clothing. “Lavender organic spritz, and the rose water I spray before my moisturizer.” Then like things made sense, she bobbed her head, and said, “One of the girls at the office…can’t tell you because corporate might listen. But I wore something different yesterday—a favor.”
“Kelly sells homemade lotions and skincare products,” Liam said. “Corporate knows, sweetheart. I choose my battles wisely, and may I remind you, you’re corporate too. Tell her to keep it low though.”
“She’s trying to find my scent.” Nose scratch, crinkled and cheek bite. “But I don’t like to smell like food. I explained to her several times that I don’t wear fruity stuff because I eat fruit. About moving Nana and Grampy, I think the place in Millbrook is the best so far. Now, someone has to convince her, because she won’t listen to me.” She took a piece of bacon from my plate. “Thank you,” Emma said in general, then looked at Mitch. “You’re the best brother in history.”
“What am I, chopped liver?” I asked, appalled.
“Dude, really? Because in this country that’s incest, unless you forgot…” Without finishing her sentence, she turned to Liam, and said, “And you too, but since you’re my associate, you have become a pain in my behind. But I love you like a brother too, Li. You Knights need assurance more than a child.”
*
Lilian Anderson and Emma stayed in the hospital with Joe and Judah, while Mom went to visit Alice. The second grandma needed to be convinced about moving closer to their granddaughter, or better, to North Carolina where the weather was warmer. Meddle woman, as Em nick named her due to her superpower, insisted on helping with the transition. Her degrees and counseling certificates made her qualified to intrude. I loved the woman, but her super power as a meddler drove Dad, my brothers and myself bonkers. It puzzled me how Emma, the self-reliant-non-trusting woman, let Mom in so easily. Calls, care packages, surprise visits and texts came and went between the women on a regular basis for the past six weeks.
Once we had the green light, I began the administrative side of the Lynden’s transfer to the hospital and new home. New York, they refused to go southern. Judah insisted on at least covering half of the bill, while Dad discussed it was his family too. In the end, I paid and sent them to check on Emma and Lilian. The doctors recommended we keep Joe in the hospital for at least another week. His lungs were weak and needed to recover in order to withstand the transfer.
Awkward, out of place, uneasy or inconvenient were the words that came to mind when Mom called us to make reservations for eight to have dinner—as a family. The words ‘are you out of your mind?’ stationed on the tip of my tongue. Mitch gave me directions to get to the restaurant, as the expert I delegated the task to make a decision for us. Big mistake when I read Andros’s’ Steakhouse. A gasping sound made me clench my jaw, she might eat a steak once in a blue moon; however, Emma won’t go to a steakhouse—‘too many cows died, I’m betraying them.’ Again, she was not a vegetarian but she was an anti-butcher. I wondered if she should start looking for a husband around organic markets, just another thought I kept to myself.
“Emma isn’t much of a meat person, Mitch,” I stated the obvious, out of Em’s ears. “Steakhouses are not her favorite place to hang around.”
“You said she ate steaks sometimes,” he said nonchalantly. “One won’t kill her, and they have seafood, salads and plenty of fruit. I’ll take the bullet.”
Obviously!
The hostess took us to a private room, where a rectangular table for eight occupied the center. I pulled the chair out for Emma and I sat next to her. She scrunched her nose for the eighth time and then repeated the process of scratching and wiggling it. Her disheveled curls and dark circles under her eyes made me want to take her on vacation, but I abstained from even commenting.
“You ok, babe?” I whispered. She slightly shook her head but didn’t complain at all. I pulled her chair toward me and embraced her with a protective hug. “Tell me when you want to leave.”
The waiter served water and took our drink orders. Dad ordered two bottles of wine for the table. I ordered ice tea for Emma; wine accelerated her metabolism and kept her awake—like coffee. She needed to rest. A slight glance with a thank you was all I got from her. I grabbed her hand from under the table and squeezed it. Whatever had happened with her Grammy earlier, drained the poor girl. Mom talked about her weekend with her neighbors. They had stayed at their home in Barcelona. This was a great way to deflect the elephant in the room. Lilian suggested a trip to London to visit Mom and Dad, and they offered to take them to France.
“We were thinking of staying in town for a couple of weeks,” Dad said, directing the conversation toward Mitch. The entire table focused on him. “Mitch and I can work the wine orders for the rest of the year.”
“Why don’t you stay with me and my grandparents for the weekend? You can leave these three alone to fend for themselves.”
Fuck, she knew our plans. Funny, after her statement, she recla
imed her hand and sat straight. Not awkward, but painful. Definitely a pang took over my chest when she reminded me that we weren’t together. My parents adopted her, Mitch and Liam loved her as a little sister, but she and I would never happen. The girl needed a good guy who’d give her what she needed and wanted. Not one who’d drag her to the pitch black darkness, like the one I have lived in for the last few years. She suffered enough. Though in the past she never witnessed my bad days or night terrors, the fear of her facing them lingered around more now than before. I loved the girl with all my heart and didn’t want to hurt her emotionally or physically. Not too long ago during one of those nights I destroyed half of a hotel room. I paid five thousand dollars for a two hundred dollar a night room. And part of my past was blending with my present, what if I lost it and confused her with the enemy? Not my girl, she needed to stay away.
“Let the boys go alone, Rache,” Emma insisted.
Rache? Let the boys go alone? Mom ignored her, Mitch grunted, Liam laughed and I stayed neutral. Emma and Lily ordered lobster pasta, and so did I, with a house salad and vinaigrette to accompany it. The rest ordered different meat cuts cooked rare—cow barely killed—as Emma pointed out. Another scratch and wrinkle of her nose granted to the party of five who had ignored her eating preferences and brought her to meat central.
We finished dinner without a hitch, went to the hotel, and after hugs, goodnights and schedules for the next day were exchanged, everyone left for their rooms. Though, I wasn’t sure where I would end up sleeping. Emma wished us to leave her alone, and after the restaurant scene…I didn’t know where I stood. I only knew that I craved having the girl in my arms, and the feel of protecting her from everything. Even if it was an illusion, I felt alive.
“What are you doing?” Emma’s alarmed voice stopped me from packing my stuff. “I thought you’d stay tonight too,” she whispered.
“You told your grandparents you were tired.” It clicked. “Communication, right. I should’ve asked before packing. Are you ever going to tell them?”
“I don’t know,” she answered, and walked to me when I opened my arms. “I can’t see the point of telling people we…whatever we did for two years.”
“Dated, Emma, we dated, baby.” I hated for her to think she wasn’t important to me. She still remained the center of my world. “Get ready, we’ll cuddle in bed.”
I love you, another phrase remained trapped on the tip of my tongue just as the sandman took her away for the night.
*
“Jake, baby, wake up,” I heard a voice cutting the guns and explosions. “It’s only a dream, Jay, come back to me, pretty boy.” When my eyes opened, the dim lights let me see Emma’s worried eyes.
Afraid to harm her physically, I stood up and stuck to the wall and took deep breaths. Nothing will happen to her, stay back, Jacob. Call Mitch to help you. I told myself but couldn’t move. I felt as if she had me pinned with those big eyes.
“Are you still asleep?” she asked. I shook my head. “Then come back to bed, Jay.” I shook my head. “Sorry, I won’t have sex with you this time.” What? The pain in the back of my throat eased, now I wanted to understand that sex thing. “Yeah, when you had nightmares I used to wake you up with sex.”
I looked away and began thumbing my ear. Had she seen me like this before? The poor bastard who couldn’t keep his shit together and was afraid of dreams…what the hell?
“PTSD, right, with some survivor’s guilt with it.” This…I had told her about my loss and the shit I had been through, but her actually witnessing it. A man could only take so much defeat. I walked to the chair where my clothes lay and began to dress. “Jake, talk to me.” She sounded teary, but I didn’t stop. “Don’t leave, not right now, Jay.”
“I can’t, Emma.” My voice came with more force than I intended. “You’re right, we shouldn’t keep doing this; more so now that I don’t feel anything for you. I hope your grandfather gets better.”
With those final words, I fled outside the room and headed downstairs to get a cab. Two months hadn’t been enough.
Chapter 31
Emma
THE BREEZE OF the evening made me pull my scarf closer to my face and rearrange my knitted hat. The coldish September weather made me wonder if I should plan on moving south for the fall and southwest for the winter. I had become a wanderer for the past couple of months. Curiosity, loneliness, or a combination of both pushed me to the furthest corners of the world. My life didn’t change as much as the lives of the ones I loved. My grandparents called me often, both sets, and hoped I would go back home, wherever that might be. Grampy was better after the life threatening scare he gave us.
The new physical therapist helped him regain his physical strength. According to the last email he sent me, the cane was gone. He planned to take a trip to San Francisco to demonstrate this fact to Judah Anderson, who played golf like a pro. Those two became friendlier, amusing after twenty eight years of knowing each other they found some middle ground—me. I no longer stood alone. Though my single status remained, Mitch and I stopped setting each other up when we realized we sucked at matchmaking. The humidity and breeze won, pushing me out of my spot. It was three o’clock and my tummy grumbled. The Thames wouldn’t move, but my body might freeze if I didn’t take a break. I placed my sketchbook back to safety after giving it a glance and a big sigh—inside my messenger bag. Pencils went back in the pencil case. The resolution to become a little messy remained on the back pocket of my black business suit. These days I only wore jeans, blouses, t-shirts and comfortable shoes. My old attire was in the storage unit along with the furniture and the boxes Grammy wanted me to keep for… my children.
My phone rang and I picked up the call immediately. “Hey, I heard you’re in town.” Liam was on the other side of the phone. “Mom and Dad are in France, but you should come to my flat. Let’s have supper.”
It was my last night before heading back to New York. I agreed, though I saw him a week before via Skype and we talked about every other day, except…when I arrived in London. Seeing him hadn’t been on the agenda. He opened the door with a wide smile, we hugged each other and I entered to find a fruit feast. No fish, Li hated the smell and had no clue how to prepare it. It didn’t matter to me, I had a good time seeing him and getting to hear all the new accounts he was planning on getting for us. Ever since we got rid of Sam—they never told me how—our companies fused. I had a great team, and left them behind for the past two months as I wandered. It had worked perfectly.
“When are you going back?” Liam asked, while I helped him pick up the table. “Not that we need you, but it’s so unlike you.”
“This was my last stop,” I said, walking toward the sink where I began to wash the dishes. “Please, don’t tell Mitch, but I hoped your brother would appear—somewhere.” He laughed.
“We suspected,” he said. “Jake doesn’t want to be found.” Liam composed himself and grabbed a dishcloth from the shelf. He took the first dish I finished and dried it. “Give him time, I think the fact that you saw him at his worst hit a nerve. I told you.”
Jake looked lost that night. He had been afraid, like a wounded animal with a riffle pointed at him. Worse, Jake made me feel as if I was the said rifle. For the sake of moving on and getting closure, I wanted to reach out to him and talk. The words he spit before he left hurt me in that moment, but a day or two later I understood. It was his defense mechanism talking, not him. I missed Jay on a daily basis. However, for the most part I remained neutral in front of others. No one knew I slept in his clothes—sweats, boxers and t-shirts. My ‘forget him’ medication needed to be checked, that was, if I had such a prescription handy.
*
The change of country—back to America—didn’t provide me with better weather. Flying south like the birds should be a wise move, but my master needed attention. Work. Though I took vacations, I still contacted the office and Liam, and worked on projects. Now, back in full force, I planned to land a
ll the new clients we had in mind. Walking toward the entrance of the building where the offices of Anderson & Knight were, the man in the dark hoody finally continued on his way. It was New York, hundreds of thousands of people took the subway on a daily basis and most took it in the same place while getting off at the exact same port, right?
Calm, with the safety that there were two guards in the entrance and we had a state of the art security system, I continued to the elevator after swiping my card in the dashboard that opened the glass door that separated them from the lobby. One of the elevator cars had just opened its doors when I went through. I hurried to catch it and was able to ride on it. Seventeenth floor, and when the two metal walls glided open, the logo of my company appeared.
Kelly, the receptionist, stood up and gave me a hug, along with all my messages from the day before. While walking toward my private office, everyone welcomed me and—since when did I matter to all these people? I shrugged, it was good to be home. My first order of business was to call my grandparents who I hadn’t informed of my arrival. “Soon” had been my only response each time they asked. Just as I hung up with Grandma Lily, I put on the calendar their next visit. She planned on coming over the weekend after, and if she got ahold of Rachel, maybe the Knights would join.
When five o’clock hit, I headed to Mitch’s house, instead of mine. I needed to see him, catch up with him and try to get some delicious food out of his refrigerator. Perhaps use his twin powers to channel his brother and find him. I only needed to know that he was alive and doing better than that night. His face haunted me nightly. That wasn’t my Jacob Knight.
*
“How many times do I need to tell you—?”
Mitch opened the door, and I interrupted him before he continued. “Call before you come.” I rolled my eyes. “What if you have a girl naked against the door?” I gave him a kiss on the cheek and handed him some ice cream I bought at the Italian place down the street. “You kick her to the room to get dressed, and you zip your pants. Feed me.” When we walked to the kitchen, I changed my tone to a pleading one. “Please, feed me.”
Getting by (A Knight's Tale) Page 20