“Tell me now, Lucy. Tell me what I don’t understand about the Munchausen case.” The softness in his tone soothed me.
I gave him a nod and went to wash my hands.
“Ok.” Tucking my legs beneath me, I sat almost as far away from him as I could get without choosing a different room. “What I’m going to say, only a few people know. People close to me.”
He sat quietly, so I continued.
“I’m a Munchausen case,” I whispered, staring at the pattern in the rug. I didn’t want to see his reaction. It shouldn’t matter to me anyway. “My mother was educated. She was a pharmacist. She was an actress. The best. I was given medicine. All sorts of medicine. I took it because I trusted her. I didn’t understand that it was making me sick. I thought she was trying to make me better.”
God, I hated talking about this. I’d told the stories to school staff, social workers, counselors, police. It made me feel weak, like I’d done something wrong. Unable to stay seated, I walked to the window, watching the flashes of lightning flicker in the dark sky. He remained silent.
“I’d had every test known to man it seemed. Colonoscopy, cystoscopy, endoscopy…you name the scopy, I may have had it.” I chuckled through the seriousness. “We switched doctors more than we switched houses at that point. One summer, I spent some time with my Pops on his farm, and I felt remarkably better. It was only for thirty days. Hardly any pills, no doctors and I felt great. But, when I went back home and Mom started me on the pills again, I realized even at 9 years old that something wasn’t ok. I told a teacher and the rest is history.”
“No,” he said softly, and my eyes flashed to him. “You can’t stop there. Tell me the rest.”
“The rest isn’t what you wanna hear, Jenner. You want me to tell you something to make you feel better about your decision? I can’t do that. I would have possibly died had I remained with my mother. Thank God, the judge in the town I lived in understood the disease.”
Within a matter of seconds, he shot upright and bee lined it across the room. In that moment, I lost all focus and my words died in my throat as I backed up a step. The window against my back held me up as my legs wobbled beneath me.
“You think I came here because I feel bad about my decision? I don’t, Lucy. There is this little thing called evidence that you seem to forget about sometimes. I can’t take into consideration how you might “feel” about something. I can only consider what is presented to me under evidence. Did you have a mental health diagnosis for this mother? Did you have something from doctors saying this girl is being harmed or abused? Was there a nurse stating the child had been mistreated? That’s what I need in order to rule the way you’d prefer I rule.”
I shoved him back so I could escape the closeness, but he grabbed my upper arm, denying my get away. “I’m sure doctors and nurses always know best, right?” I spat out.
“I didn’t come here to admonish you, Lucy.”
“If you’re going to talk like a judge, then I’ll continue to call you Judge, Your Honor.” I scowled.
He released a long, slow breath. “I didn’t come here to scold you.”
“Why did you come?”
His brows pulled together, and his eyes grew impossibly dark.
“To see if you were ok. You left my office crying, and I needed to know.”
His grip loosened on my arm, and though it fell to my side, I didn’t step away from him.
“You could have texted, Jenner,” I whispered.
“I don’t text.”
“Bullshit,” I said beneath my breath. “You wanted to see me. You want to be near me as much as I want to be near you.”
There was no confirmation or denial of my statement—only a simple silent stare. For several long minutes, we stood nearly toe-to-toe. Neither of us moved. I wasn’t sure if either of us breathed or even blinked.
“What do you want, Jenner?”
When I saw his jaw tighten, my stomach ached, and I didn’t want that ache transferring to my heart.
“What do I want? I want to know if the woman I met nearly two months ago is something worth losing my career over. Because I don’t know the answer to that at the moment. I feel like everyone around me would say “no”. But, you and I…we click. We have amazing chemistry. We seem to feed off each other in ways I’ve never felt before. You make me laugh. And the sex was great, to put it mildly. But, Lucy, I don’t know you. You don’t know me. I can’t quit thinking about a stranger and that doesn’t make sense to me. To risk everything we’ve accomplished…”
His words faded off. I was able to complete the sentence in my own head.
“Don’t you think I get that? All I ever wanted was to be the person to help the kids. What I’m doing is exactly what I went to law school for, Jenner. Some attorney’s want to be these…these… hot shot defense attorneys. Some want to be judges.” I pointed at him. “No one, and I do mean no one, wants to be a child in need of care attorney. You know that. In the judicial system, we both know that is not where the money is. But you know what? I don’t care. I don’t want to lose that.”
“I agree with that, Lucy. Regardless of our connection, our professional responsibilities must take priority.”
“Exactly. And honestly, I don’t at all like you as a judge; how the hell would I like you as a boyfriend?” I said it as a joke, hoping to lighten the mood, but I so wanted him to disagree with what I said.
When he unleashed that killer smile, tinged with a hint of sadness, it was more than I could handle. Throwing caution to the wind, as tenderly as I could, I laid my palms flat on his chest, wanting to touch him if only this one last time. A painful grimace twisted his face as if my hands burned his bare skin.
“Lucy,” he said beneath his breath. “We both know what we should do. We know our obligations. Even as an attorney, you have the same damn code of professional responsibility as I do.” His words were soft.
Defeat…resignation…whatever it was colored his tone. By his demeanor, I knew I could easily push him over the edge. I could feel him teetering. Part of me felt like he wanted that. Maybe then he could blame me. The look in his eyes swayed between yes and no.
Trying to respect him, I lowered my hands from the warmth and hardness of his body. They fell to my sides in defeat of their own.
“I appreciate you checking on me, tonight. Thank you,” I said, the professional tone creeping back into my voice. Forcing myself to take a step back, I forced a smile.
Something in his eyes shifted as he breezed past me. I’d seen it before. Welcome back Mr. Hyde. I heard my dryer close, and when he came out, he was dressed in his own clothes.
“Thank you for the use of your dryer.” He bent down to tie his shoes. “I’m truly sorry about what you endured at the hands of your mother. I’m glad you got out of there and someone protected you.”
“Thank you, Judge.” For all my good intentions, I couldn’t help the passive aggressive Judge I tossed out.
His irritated eyes shot up to mine, then he strolled to the door. “Yep. This matter is adjourned,” he said coldly. And with that, he closed the door behind him. Adjourned, my ass.
Chapter 9
BINDING PRECEDENT
LUCY
Getting to the facility wasn’t easy. First the subway then the bus. But when I arrived, Pops’ head was upright, and he seemed alert. My heart stood still waiting for the verdict. His roaming eyes caught sight of me about the same time as Hank’s did. Recognition registered in Pop’s seventy-seven year old eyes as my heart screamed with joy. The look in his eyes made that whole cumbersome trip worth it.
“Hi Pops!”
Hank winked at me and mouthed, “It’s a good day.”
“There’s my little miss.”
Pops’ body was frail, but I hugged him as tightly as I could, knowing that the next time he might not let me. I inhaled deeply taking in his scent. I missed the smell of the farm that used to cling to his clothes. Hank too waited for his hug, which I glad
ly obliged.
The next hour was spent telling Pops all about law school, graduation and my new job because he had no recollection of previous conversations. Hank was right about it being a good day. It was a great day. I knew Pops wouldn’t remember it the next time we visited.
Hank updated Pops on the farm, the crops and all the animals. Thank goodness Hank and his sons were tending to all of it. I did what I could, but most of the time it landed on them. Honestly, I hadn’t been to the farm in so long. When Hank met us with the truck on market days, my friends and I would help him during the weekend famers’ market, but that was all I could manage right now. Some of my best memories were playing with Hank’s boys—they were more like brothers than anything.
“Pops, I forgot to tell you, I brought you a Butterfinger.” I found the candy bar in my purse. His favorite.
“I don’t even like Butterfingers,” he spat out hatefully.
As Hank’s gaze found mine, my heart sunk. Butterfingers were Pops’ favorite.
“Ok, Pops. It’s ok.” I slid the candy bar back next to my wallet for next time. “You want to play chess?”
“I don’t know how to play chess,” he snapped. The meanness in his voice made me cringe.
“Yes, you do, Pops. Let’s try.” Desperation swam through my words as I situated the pieces on the board.
Hanks hands gently covered mine, which still gripped a pawn and a knight that I had yet to place on the board.
“Look at me, little miss,” he said barely above a whisper.
By the time my eyes found his, tears spilled over.
The wrinkles around Hank’s eyes showed every bit of his 74 years of age. I loved him as much as Pops…almost.
“We had him for a wee bit. It was a good day. Chess isn’t what’s important.”
Nodding, I swiped away the tears as Hank kissed the top of my head.
“Nurse,” Pops blurted, his tone now cordial.
Forcing a smile, I glanced at him. “Yes, sir? What can I get for you?”
“My granddaughter is coming today. Would you please tell me when she gets here?”
Unable to hold back the tears—the dam burst. “Of course,” I cried while smiling the best I could. “I know how excited she is to see you. She loves you so much.”
“I raised her, you know. She’s my little miss. Someday she’s going to take over my farm. Boy oh boy does she love it there.”
“I’m sure she does.”
Hank patted my back. “I’ve got him from here, Lucy. Sir, I’m going to take you back to your room, ok?”
The nurses had come to the farm for nearly two years. Hank and I agreed to do what we could to keep Pops at home. The assisted care helped, but the challenge only grew, until we couldn’t give him the care he needed any more. The pain of watching this cruel disease rob him of his mind and memories sliced my heart into pieces. He’d been at the home for five months now.
Pops had always expected me to take over the farm, but I wanted to be in the city. To live the city life. I had followed my dream. That decision disappointed him…hurt him. I leaned in from behind, brushed a kiss over Pops’ thin hair and sat back, wishing I could tell Pops about Jenner but knowing he would probably never meet him.
Chapter 10
JUDICIAL DISCRETION
JENNER
Six and a half hours of utilizing Google, making phone calls and requesting information from a district attorney’s office in Sullivan County, I’d finally gotten my hands on the petition from when she was a little girl. I thumbed through the document. My eyes scanned the obligatory wording until the specifics of the case were revealed.
Mother, who will be referred to here out as Miss Heasten is a registered nurse. Father is Derek Edwards. There is no known native American heritage known at this time. The state alleges Miss Heasten was responsible for using a syringe for injecting respondent with various drugs including but not limited to opioids, barbiturates and various chemicals. Miss Heasten took the respondent to a variety of doctors named on the witness list for numerous unnecessary tests. The respondent reported her health issues and continued injections to a teacher at her school, Linda Wilson. DCF investigated and the respondent was given a urinalysis and blood test, which came back positive for multiple drugs. DCF removed the respondent from the home placing the respondent in police protective custody until….
With increasing irritation, I tossed the papers onto my desk, then laced my fingers and rested my forehead on my thumbs. Blood surged violently through my veins. I’d never have given her back to her mother either. How could she not see the difference in these cases? In her case, there was clear and convincing evidence.
“Judge, your conference begins in about two hours. You are completely registered and they are holding your registration. I told them you were running late.”
“Thank you.”
“I’m surprised you’re still here. I cleared your schedule a month ago.”
“I had some things I needed to take care of.”
“Anything I can help with?” my assistant asked, handing me papers as I stepped past her.
“Nope. I’ve got what I need, for now. Thank you.”
This conference was my worst nightmare. Three days of legislative updates, judicial reviews and legal bullshit. But it did get me out of the office for three days with no possibilities of seeing Lucy. Dragging myself away from her apartment was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. But, seeing her passion for what she did, the rationale behind her taking on child in need of care cases, and her pledge of loyalty to children—I knew I had to step away. Neither one of us could afford the fallout if I didn’t. I wasn’t scared of much in my life, but the thought of never touching her again, terrified me.
“Jenner! How are you?” Judge Williams greeted me in our first CJE credit.
“Hey, Peter. I’m good. Great to see you. Though drinks and cigars would be way better.”
We both chuckled as we took our seats near the front of the auditorium because of our tardiness.
“Trust me, three days away from my wife is almost better.”
I grinned. His words only made me think of Lucy. I couldn’t imagine wanting to be away from her if she were mine.
“Maybe we can catch up with a drink tonight.”
“That’d be great.” I could certainly use a drink.
***
Four judges walk into a bar…I wasn’t sure of the joke yet, but I was pretty sure there was one out there somewhere.
The four of us, dressed in khaki shorts and polo’s and looking causally judicial, sat at a table in the half-full bar. I was obviously the youngest of the group. I knew when I started my judgeship that because of my father’s judicial status my integrity would always be questioned. The credibility of my professional decisions would be closely monitored. Even though I didn’t give a shit about the job, I still had a lot to prove.
A group of college-aged girls in the corner obnoxiously bellowed out a Garth Brooks hit completely off key. Judge Steve Bryant made some snide comment about getting one of the girls back to his room. He was a good twenty years older than all four of them. Plus, he looked about seven months pregnant. My guess was they might not even accept a drink from him, but I chuckled nonetheless.
When three more young women walked through the arch of the doorway, I only noticed because Steve made an ‘mmm’ sound like from a Campbell’s soup commercial. When I shot a glance toward the girls to see what had caught his attention, Lucy’s smiling face sent a punch straight to my gut. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Only 8.5 million people in this city. I quickly lowered my head, attempting to hide my reaction from my companions. Steve’s continued boorish sounds like he was about to devour a meal shot my blood pressure high. There was no way to tell which woman elicited those lewd grunts, but I’d be damned if it was going to be Lucy.
She and her friends sat at a table opposite us with a few tables in between. She hadn’t noticed me, but damn, I couldn’t ta
ke my eyes off her. How the hell did she show up at the same bar? Pretty typical for our relationship. Hell, for my luck, if I up and traveled to Chicago, she’d probably be visiting Chi town as well. Fuck fate.
Excusing myself, I disappeared to the restroom. Seeing her, thinking about her hands on my bare chest earlier, any resolve I had made to let her go began to fade. I was banking on having hurt her enough when I told her we were adjourned that she would push me away. I needed her to be angry. Obviously, I couldn’t count on myself to be the sensible one. I stared at my reflection in the water-spotted mirror, wondering if a second career option was out there. My three-day stubble was starting to itch. How had I forgotten to shave? A goatee wasn’t totally acceptable in my career, but I was operating in the I don’t give a shit mode.
Neil Diamond had replaced Garth’s crooning when I strolled out of the restroom. Lucy’s laugh rang out over the music, making me smile. Until I rounded the corner and saw Steve over talking to her. Then, I saw red.
LUCY
The bar across from the hotel was the perfect place to drink away the resounding memories of Jenner coursing through my mind. Enduring law school sexless had been a piece of cake compared to the daunting thought of never touching Jenner again. It was all I could do not to cover my ears when all the assistants in the office started gushing about how good looking he was and speculating about how hot it would be to kiss him. By the time Bethany, Hope and I went for a drink that evening, I was sick to death of the conference already, and it’d only been one day.
The music switched from Garth to Neil Diamond as we shot back another drink. For me, getting away wasn’t as big of a deal as it was for others. I liked living alone and already had my fill of peace and quiet. But most of the people attending the conference couldn’t wait to leave their spouses, kids or even parents.
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