by Amy Miles
I could hear her laugh as she turned away.
I took that laugh to be a ‘yes.’
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
DEVLIN
A FTER TARYN LEFT, I forced myself back into the house. She was right. I had been hiding. It was time to face my demons and stop being so bloody selfish.
There was nothing but relief on Ma’s face when I came in. She was exhausted from keeping up appearances and Da was useless in the kitchen, so I sent them both off to bed. I had no problems telling the lingering mourners to shove off. Those who hung around were only interested in downing as much of my da’s spirits as they could, so I cared little if their feelings got hurt.
I woke early the next morning and began wrapping food that hadn’t been finished or tossing another casserole that wouldn’t fit in the icebox. There was enough food to feed us for a month. While Ma and Da slept the morning away, I washed all the tea cups and plates that had been left scattered in the house. I moved furniture pieces back to their rightful spots and opened the blinds. It was all in an effort to try and make things appear as though they were normal, even though nothing could be further from the truth. Nothing would ever be the same again. Not now.
The afternoon passed in a blur of pleasantries with my parents and re-cleaning things that didn’t need it. We were all trying to keep our minds off the subject at hand: Alana was no longer with us. Once everything was put back in order, however, my brain had time to unravel. It was no longer preoccupied with utilitarian jobs. Now it was free to think about accepting a life without her.
I held out hope that sleep would be a release from the thoughts, but I couldn’t fall asleep. My mind kept drifting not only to Alana and the heartbreak that brought with it but also with memories of Taryn. It was an odd juxtaposition of feelings to have. On the one hand, I was devastated that my sister was gone. But on the other, I was filled with a sense of lightness by this mysterious girl. She fascinated me in a way I couldn’t explain from the first time she fell into my arms. Alana would have said it was fate. That she always prattled on about how people were put in our lives for a purpose. I just didn’t know what Taryn’s was supposed to be.
It wasn’t until I heard the sound of someone banging on my door that I realised how tired I still was.
“Go away, Ma. I don’t want breakfast,” I grumbled, shoving my head back under the pillow.
“Devlin. Open up.” The words were muffled, but I recognized Seamus’ deep voice.
“Shove off, mate. I’m still sleeping.”
“I know, but it’s five o’clock in the bloody afternoon.”
I lifted the pillow off my eyes. “It is?”
He opened the door. “Aye.” He looked worse than I felt. His eyes were bloodshot with dark circles underneath.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, sitting up and rubbing my eyes.
“Ouch. That’s a warm welcome. Look, I know you think I’m a giant coward for not showing up here a wee bit sooner, but is that any way to talk to your mate?” Seamus came in and sat in a chair.
It was weird seeing him in my room after so much time had passed. So much had happened between us since Alana got sick, but it also felt like we had picked up where we left off. It was nice to have him back in my life, however fleeting that might be. “Sorry. I’m in a mood.”
“So I’ve been told,” he said.
“Who told you that?”
Seamus made a face, indicating he’d let something slip.
“Your ma called. She’s worried about ya. They both are.”
I let out a breath and cursed.
“I’m fine. I’m…well, mourning. That’s normal.”
“They showed me your studio…”
My eyes pinched shut at the reminder of that. While I hadn’t forgotten what I’d done, I was trying not to think about it. I rubbed my hands over my face. All that work. Gone.
“Aye. I may have lost my temper.”
Seamus let out a low whistle. “Bet it felt good, though.”
I nodded as we shared a moment of grief.
“I should have been there for ya,” he said, looking down at the ground. “I should have been there for the both of you.”
I nodded. “Aye. You should have.” I knew this was hard for him to admit. “But what’s done is done. It won’t bring her back. And as much as part of me wants to hate you till the end of our days for what you’ve done, I’ve also missed my best mate.”
Seamus looked up at me.
“I’ll make it up to ya,” he began.
“You can make it up to me by not disappearing on me again.”
His slow nod confirmed that we had reached an understanding. At least for now.
“So you don’t hate me?” Seamus asked. His eyes were wide, like a lost puppy waiting to be adopted, not quite daring to hope.
“No. I don’t hate ya. But I do think you’re a bloody tosser for getting me out of bed.”
The small smile that crept on his lips let me know we’d patched things up. We would pick up where we left off before Alana got sick. There was a relief in that. I’d missed the bloke.
“Fair enough. I admit to being a tosser,” Seamus said, “but what does that make you?”
“Depressed. It makes me depressed. Happy?”
“Ah, depressed, are ya? Well, don’t worry. I’ll be okay.”
I peered up at him.
“What are you going on about?” I asked.
“Well, you said you were depressed. So that must mean that you’re sad about leaving me here in Moneyglass while you go off and finally find your fame and fortune in America. You’re worried I’ll lose my shite if you go off and leave me alone too, aren’t ya?” Seamus asked. “Well, you don’t need to worry about me. I’m planning on finding me a nice girl, squeezing out a few lads and then dying so you can go off and live you wild American dream.” Seamus propped his feet up on my desk as though that settled matters.
“Har, har. Very funny. I’m never going to America. I withdrew my deferred acceptance.”
Seamus put his feet down and cocked his head to the side. His eyes narrowed. “Are you having a laugh?”
“Not even a little,” I said. I was confused about why he was acting like this. “Seamus, please don’t tell me you’re upset about me not going to university. I thought you’d be happy.”
“Happy?” He clenched his lips together. “Just when did you decide this?”
“Chill out, Seamus. It’s not a big deal. So, I’m not going to university. Who cares?”
At that, he looked over at me, affronted.
“Who cares? Is that your question then?” His sarcastic tone had him crossing his arms over his chest.
“Yeah, that’s my question,” I said, yanking myself out of bed to stand up and look him in the eye. I was a good three inches taller than him, but the way he was looking at me made me feel like I was nothing more than an ignorant child.
“Let’s ignore the obvious: your parents, for starters, who have been nothing but proud of their genius son and the education he can’t get here. I’ll even leave out Mr. Hannagan who sent off about a hundred letters to that stupid university bragging that you were the best art student he’s had in his twenty-year career of teaching.”
I tried to butt in, but he talked right over me.
“I’ll also be kind and leave out the ninety-nine percent of the blokes stuck here who’d give their left nut to get a full scholarship to an American university. Hell, I’ll even throw in me. You saying I wouldn’t care if you didn’t go to university is actually a big slap in my face, but fine, I’ll take that on. But the one person who would care the most about you giving up on your dreams would be your sister.”
“Alana is dead,” I said through gritted teeth.
Seamus walked over to me. His face went red and the vein in his forehead that enlarged when he was pissed started to throb.
“Aye, she is, mate. And you are spitting on her grave by not going and making something more of y
ourself.” The muscles in his jaw flexed. “She knew from the start that you had a God-given talent. She was the one who convinced you to apply in the first place. And now…to not go? I can’t think of a more dishonourable thing to do.” He looked at me. The disgust was clear. He shook his head a few times before walking out of the room, leaving me sitting there, pissed. I knew he was right, but that didn’t change one damn thing. I wasn’t going. I couldn’t.
I was reeling after Seamus ripped me a new one. I tried to swallow down what he said. Would Alana be upset with me for staying in Moneyglass? I didn’t even want to go anymore. The irony was that of all the people in the world, I thought Seamus would be the one to support me on this. I foolishly assumed he’d understand the pain I was going through. Instead, he left me feeling like the biggest gobdaw on the planet.
Although I wouldn’t be changing my mind about Alfred University, I did take what he said about Ma and Da to heart. On that point, I had been selfish. I needed to at least assure them that I was alright; that I was trying to find my way out of the grieving process. I’d be fine. Eventually. Probably.
Rubbing the scruff that had begun to overtake my face, I stood up. I barely recognized myself in the mirror. I looked like someone who had gone to Hell and back. It wasn’t far from the truth, only I hadn’t returned from Hell yet.
In the dying light of the sun, I cracked my door open and was bombarded with the smell of freshly baked bread. My Achilles’ heel. No doubt Ma made it just to lure me out of my room. I wasn’t sure I would have been able to resist its tug once it wafted upstairs.
Making no attempt to be quiet, I plodded down the stairs. As expected, she was in the kitchen, washing the baking dishes. The clatter the metal bowls made in the sink must have muffled my approach because she jumped when she turned around.
“Devlin! You scared me,” she said, clutching her heart. She looked tired but better than she had yesterday. Stronger somehow.
“Sorry,” I said, scratching the back of my unkempt hair.
“I’ve made your favorite.”
I looked over on the counter where I saw the golden loaf laid out on a cutting board. A white ramekin of her butter rested beside it. There was a roast in the oven too, by the smell of it. I glanced up and noticed it was almost six. Da would be home for dinner soon.
“Sit, let’s try it,” she said, grabbing the board and a knife.
“Shouldn’t we wait for dinner?”
She waved a hand at me. “A small slice won’t ruin anything.”
I raised an eyebrow, knowing I had made that same plea many times and she had always insisted we wait for dinner, but I wasn’t about to pass this up. My stomach rolled with hunger. She didn’t need to ask if I wanted butter on it. She spread a thick layer on for me like she used to when I was a kid.
“I’m sorry I worried you, Ma. I’ve…had a hard time accepting it all.”
She reached out and patted my hand as we munched in silence for a few moments.
“It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure.” Her eyes were glassy and I didn’t want to make her cry.
“I need some time to suss it all out. I’m trying to figure out what I’m going to do now.”
She nodded. “I know you are, darling. It’s, well, you’re running out of time. We want to spend as much time with you before you leave us for university. I know the idea of a summer course before the fall semester isn’t ideal since most of your classmates will have a semester on you, but you needn’t put if off any longer.” Her eyes grew a touch teary before she stood up then and checked on the roast. “We’re going to need to get your things packed soon, and I need to be able to get at your washing to do that.”
I hadn’t told them yet that I wasn’t planning on going. The school had been kind to give me as much time as I needed during Alana’s illness, but there was no point it keeping up that facade. It was time to come clean.
“Ma, I’m not going.” I hung my head. “I’ve been meaning to tell you. With Alana sick and all, I sort of forgot to send back the deferment letter.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. I didn’t send it back, but I certainly didn’t forget to.
Instead of looking upset, though, she tipped her head and smiled at me. “That’s perfectly understandable, darling.”
Wow. She took that news better that I could have imagined.
“That’s precisely the same thing I told that representative from Alfred when they called. I explained everything that had happened in the last few weeks and told them that, of course, you still wanted the scholarship. So you’re all set. No need to worry.”
“Wait, what?” I shouted.
“Devlin, what’s come over you?”
“It was not your place to tell them I was going!”
She frowned at me. “Well, what did you want me to say to them? Bugger off?” Her voice was thick with confusion.
“Yes. That would have done just fine.” I began to pace the small kitchen. “I lied before, okay? I didn’t forget to return the acceptance. I deliberately didn’t send it.”
She stared at me, unblinking and unbelieving.
“I don’t understand.” Her words were soft.
I tried to find my reason, but the thoughts wouldn’t come out.
“It’s not because of me, is it, or your da?” she asked. “It’s not because you think he needs you to stick around and take over the shop, is it?”
“It’s not that.” I sighed.
“Because I know you worry about us. About how we’ll manage now. I don’t want you to think that we secretly wish you’d stay here, because, Devlin, you getting into that university was the proudest moment of our lives. All of Moneyglass knows you have a gift and we don’t want you to give it up to take care of us. We will be just fine.”
“I know you will,” I said, slumping into the chair.
She put her hand on mine. “So then why? Is this some sort of rebellion or something?”
I looked up at the ceiling in frustration. “No. It’s nothing like that.”
“Well, then please enlighten me, because I’m clueless as to why you want to toss this all away.”
I wasn’t sure what to tell her. Being an artist had been my dream ever since I was eight years old and could throw a decent pot. Even back then, Alana was always there, encouraging me. She would brag to anyone who would listen that I’d be a famous artist one day. She said I’d travel the world and make the Gallagher name a legend. We’d plotted out all the galleries we’d visit across the globe that would hold my art. Alana was my biggest fan. Didn’t Ma understand that to go to university now would feel…pointless if Alana wasn’t there to share it with me?
“I just don’t think it’s fair to go anymore.”
“So, you think Alana would have preferred you throw your dreams away because she got cancer?”
“Ma—”
She put her hand on the rounded edge of my shoulder, the way she did when she wanted to make sure I was listening. “Darlin’, the way Alana died was tragic. No one should ever have to die so young and in as much pain as your sister did. I know you’ve taken your sister’s passing hard, maybe harder than most since she was your twin, but it’s been hard on us too. Parents aren’t supposed to bury their children.” Her eyes teared over and her voice cracked. “I’ve had to learn that life goes on, Devlin. As hard as that is to admit, it does. There is nothing we can do to bring her back, and not moving on with your life is a disgrace to her memory.”
“Well, this is my life, not yours. You can’t make me go!”
I kicked out of my chair and went back upstairs, being sure to slam my bedroom door as hard as I could. Nothing like everyone in your life thinking you’re the biggest disappointment on the planet to destroy an appetite.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
AED
A FTER THREE DAYS OF little sleep and scant amounts of food, my men and I chased the Lorcan filth based solely on adrenaline. Since escaping the Wall, we’d been working to catch up to them. Slowly we made progr
ess.
Screams tore through the night air. As I ran, I craned to see any sign of the victims in the dark, but the trees grew too thick in these parts for the moonlight to reach the forest floor.
“By the gods! Those manky beasts have reached Murigel.” Cashel grasped the stitch in his side as we came to a halt.
Murigel was the town closest to my home, to Eimear and my family.
“I fear we may already be too late. Are you able to push a little harder, my friend?” I reached out a hand to Cashel.
“Aye. I can do that.”
Despite the gouge in his side, earned from a split second’s hesitation in our previous skirmish the day before, the warrior had gritted his teeth to the pain. He had kept with the hard pace I set as we pursued our enemy without complaint. I vowed that if he died at my side his family would be well cared for to express my gratitude.
Though we trailed after them with only a minimal delay to tend to our wounded, we were finally gaining on the last remaining members of the group that escaped the confines of the Wall. Soon they would all be dead. I only hoped we’d slay the last one before it reached my city’s gates.
It took another five minutes of running full out before we found ourselves on a ridge. It was a good vantage point looking out over the valley below. For the first time, we saw the flames. Smoke billowed high into the sky, making it hard to see if there were any survivors below.
I suspected the townspeople sacrificed their homes in the hopes that help would arrive, but I knew my father. None would come in time. He had delayed sending aid in the past. I could only pray that soldiers were already on their way to the Wall in my stead.
Motioning for Breccan and Cashel to flank me, I ducked low and kept to the thick brush along the dirt road. Large footprints sank deep into the moist ground. The indent of the toes was clear from when the creatures sprinted ahead, demolishing the path in their wake. The Lorcan knew we were tracking them too closely. That made them reckless.