by Caro Carson
“With what?” She sounded a little apprehensive.
“It might have been too much, after... We probably should have taken it easy the first night... I mean, it’s been a while for you, after the baby and all.” After they’d used his one condom, she’d opened a drawer and taken out a box, and the games had begun.
“I think we established that everything’s in working order.” She sounded like she was smiling now. “In fact, I feel fantastic.”
“I think you feel fantastic, too.”
“You’re very funny.”
He smiled into her hair as he kissed the top of her head. “It’s been a while for me, too. After the baby and all.”
He felt her go still in his arms.
“I dated a little, this past year,” he said. “But I figured it wasn’t fair for a man to take a woman to bed, when he’d only be wishing she was someone else.”
I love you. We’re going to marry and have a family and grow old together.
Tana propped herself up on her elbow. Her expression was thoughtful as she ran her fingertips over his eyebrow, down his nose and caressed his lips. Then she looked at him through her lashes, her brown eyes mischievous and flirty, now that she didn’t have to try to stop herself from flirting with him.
And we’re going to have a whole lot of fun while we’re at it.
She feigned a concerned expression. “Are you okay? Did I wear you out?”
“I’ll keep up with you, somehow. There are times in a man’s life when he just has to cowboy up.”
She liked that, grinning as she settled onto him, soft breasts against his chest. “Honestly, I’ve never lost my mind like that before. Never. Last night was...intense.”
Well, damn. Here he was, trying to appreciate how sacred and special sex was with Tana, and then she went and said a thing like that. He tucked one arm behind his head, as cocky and smug as a man could feel. “I lost my mind, too. I know you made me promise you something, at the very beginning. Tell me again what it was.”
She struggled to keep her grin in place. He saw it, right before she turned to lay her cheek on his chest. “I might not have gotten around to any specifics. It doesn’t matter.”
He frowned a little. “There’s not a whole lot that’s going to embarrass me or scare me away. You can tell me. What promise did you want from me?”
“You’ll do it, anyway. I know you will.”
“That’s mighty comforting, but tell me, so I’ll know when I’m doing it.”
She was silent.
“Tana.”
She sighed. “Fine. Do you remember when we were dancing, and I told you there was nothing a man could do for me now that I was pregnant? You gave me a whole list of things you’d do for the mother of your child, even if you two were no longer in love.”
“I remember.”
“I thought that you’d be the perfect ex-boyfriend. I wished you were my ex-boyfriend.”
He could only see the top of her head as she rested on his chest, toying with his arm, running her fingers up and over the curve of his bicep.
“Now that we’re sleeping together, I’ll get my wish, sooner or later. I don’t want Sterling to be hurt. I know he’s not your son, but he’s attached to you. I wanted you to promise that you’ll still see him sometimes, because he’ll miss you an awful lot. I’m not worried, though. I know you’ll still be good to him, when you and I are no longer sleeping together.”
What the hell?
He rolled her over, pinning her so they were face-to-face, blue eyes into brown. “No longer sleeping together? Is that what you think this is? Some kind of occasional friends-with-benefits crap until we find other people? Tana, damn it, I love you.”
“Oh.”
He hadn’t meant to say it quite that way, but it was out now. “I love you. I have loved you for a long time. We’re not sleeping together. We are together.”
“I’m talking about the future, when you’re not in love with me. I know you’ll need to leave me. I just don’t want you to leave my baby.”
He couldn’t speak.
“Not too abruptly, at least, for his sake.” She patted his arm in a soothing way. “That’s all.”
Caden shifted positions to brace himself on his forearms and hold her head in his hands, so he could study her face. So he could understand her, and she could understand him. “Nobody is leaving anyone. I already promised not to leave you. Haven’t you noticed that I never leave, not until you tell me it’s okay with you?”
She looked up at him with her eyes wide, looking more shocked than anything else. How could this be news to her?
“You were in labor when I made that promise. Maybe that’s why you don’t remember. I’m not leaving you, not if you want me to stay, and I’m not leaving Sterling.”
“I remember. That’s why this is okay. If you wouldn’t leave the baby then, you won’t leave him even when you’re my ex.”
It hit Caden in the heart. She believed that he could love the baby, but she didn’t think he could love her.
“Tana, sweetheart. The baby hadn’t been born yet. I had no idea what loving a baby would feel like. I held your hand, and we drove toward that hospital, and I promised you I wouldn’t leave you, because I already knew what being in love with you felt like.”
“You loved me when I was waddling around the diner’s parking lot?” She sounded skeptical.
“I did. I was trying so hard not to, but I did. In the truck, you cried because you didn’t have someone in your life who could be by your side. I decided to be that friend for you then, because I already loved you then. When you love someone, you want them to have what they need.”
She began to touch him, trailing her fingers up his side, down to his hip. “In that case, you should tell me what you need.”
He touched his nose to hers in relief. “I need you in my life. It’s as simple as that.”
She smiled. It started small, even shy, but she ended up beaming at him.
Through the open bedroom door, Sterling’s cry carried clearly.
“He’s awake.” Tana wrinkled her nose. “At least it’s easy to guess what he needs.”
She put on the blue satin robe that Ruby had given her as a baby gift. He pulled on his boxers, and they walked into the oasis of the baby’s room, together.
“Everything’s good,” Caden said.
She nodded. “Everything’s good.”
* * *
The baby in the high chair didn’t think anything was good.
Tana was working late, holding a team meeting after practice. That wouldn’t normally make Sterling grumpy, not if Caden was with him.
After Tana had left for work, Caden had taken the baby to a couple of stores. He’d bought a high-speed jogging stroller in the first store, a diamond ring in the second. He didn’t know when he’d offer Tana the ring. They’d moved from just-friends to lovers only last night, but Caden was going to have the stroller ready to surprise her this evening.
At least, that had been the plan. He’d started putting it together, assuming Sterling would be happy to scoot around on a blanket next to him, having some tummy time. Not tonight.
Caden offered him a spoonful of baby oatmeal. Sterling clamped his little lips together and turned his head. It was amazing how stubborn a seventeen-pound baby could be.
“Okay, let’s switch it up here, little fella.”
Applesauce met oatmeal’s fate.
Caden let Sterling hold the empty spoon, but even waving that around didn’t satisfy the baby for long. He squirmed in his high chair, fussing and unhappy.
“Let’s mop you up, then we’ll go for a bottle. You need to have a nice, full belly, so you’ll sleep tight tonight. Your mommy will be home soon, and she and I need a chance to...work on our relationship. I’ll explain it when you’re older.”<
br />
It hit Caden that he would be there when Sterling was older, and he actually would have to explain the birds and bees to him. For the first time, he imagined it from a parent’s perspective. How had his dad done it with a straight face?
Sterling objected with a little baby yell and a fierce frown.
“No, I’m not going to tell you now. You don’t want me to, trust me. It’s going to gross you out to find out how your parents make babies. Sorry about that, in advance.”
The doorbell rang just as Caden put a toy on the high chair tray, hoping to buy a little time to warm up a bottle. Since the high chair was at the dining room table, Caden could keep an eye on Sterling as he opened the door.
A man stood there, obviously surprised to see him.
Caden didn’t know him. He was around his age, dressed in hiking or outdoor-adventure clothes, although they looked pristine. The brand name was prominent.
“Who are you?” the man demanded.
“Apparently, I’m not who you were expecting. Wrong apartment.” Caden started to close the door.
The man slapped his palm on it. “Hang on.”
Caden switched gears in an instant, squaring off against the man, blocking him from coming in the door. Who the hell did this guy think he was?
“Where’s Tana? Montana McKenna? She does still live here, doesn’t she?” He craned his neck to see past Caden. “Yeah, that’s her couch. Come on, man. Let me in.”
Caden didn’t budge. “Who are you?”
“You’re shacking up with her now, aren’t you?” The man held up his hands in mocking surrender. “More power to you. I’m only here to see the baby.”
“You mean Steven?”
Yeah, the wrong name was a test.
The man looked surprised. “That’s a boy’s name, right? It was a boy. Good.”
Fail.
The man drew himself up tall. He still wasn’t tall enough to look down his nose at Caden, but he sneered, anyway. “I’m Steven’s father.”
Caden knew better. What was this guy’s angle?
The baby chose that moment to throw his toy and kick his chair, crying because he’d lost Caden’s attention.
The man craned his neck again. “Is that him? Let me in. I want to see my kid.” He tried to shove his way into the apartment.
Caden stiff-armed him, smacking his palm against the man’s chest. No stranger was going to get near Sterling, full stop.
“Does he look like me?”
Caden was incredulous at the man’s audacity, but one possibility explained it. Caden had assumed fertility clinics had airtight privacy policies. Maybe not.
He shoved the man back a step, out into the hall. “Are you the sperm donor?”
“Sperm donor, my ass. Tana and I lived together in Houston. I’m the baby’s father.”
Chapter Twenty
The door was locked.
Tana let herself in with her key. There were no lights on, although the sunset was over, and the last gray light of gloaming was all that came in the window. Her apartment felt like it had before Sterling had been born.
Lonely.
There was an opened cardboard box in the middle of her living room floor and a set of spoked wheels propped against it. She looked around for some sign of life. With a little start, she realized Caden was sitting at the dining table, watching her.
“Hi. I’m home.” She turned on the lamp by the couch as she passed it, walking straight toward him, ready to greet him with a kiss. She could do that, now. They were together.
He didn’t say anything. He didn’t move.
“What’s going on? Is the baby—” Her heart stopped. That was the one thing that could make Caden look so grim. “Oh, my God, the baby—”
“He’s fine.”
Something about Caden’s tone of voice made her sink onto the hard chair next to his. “What happened?”
“Who is Jerry?”
She felt like she’d hit the water from the high-dive platform. Jerry—whack. That name shouldn’t exist here.
“He came by, Tana.”
She jumped up. “Where is the baby?”
Caden caught her wrist. “He’s asleep. Do you think I’d let a stranger take him?”
Her heart was pounding so hard, Caden must have felt her pulse without trying.
Caden dropped her wrist. “Someone who was a stranger to me, but not to you, obviously. He said he was Sterling’s father. It’s true, isn’t it? Your first thought when I said Jerry was that he came for the baby.”
“Yes, but—”
“It’s true.” Caden cut her off. “Artificial insemination. You said you used artificial insemination.”
“I called him a sperm donor. That’s all he was. All he is.” The point she’d thought was so important didn’t seem as significant now, but she said it, anyway. “I was very careful not to say that I went through an artificial insemination procedure. I didn’t lie. Not once.”
Caden shoved his chair away from the table and stood. “It was a huge lie. You told me there was a sperm donor when we danced on Thanksgiving. I didn’t believe you, at first. I thought you were just angry at your boyfriend. I should have trusted my gut. But ever since you went into labor...”
Every muscle in his body strained with the effort to contain the emotions that were tearing him up inside.
“Every day since then, I believed you, damn it. In my truck, just last night, you sat there while I poured my heart out to you. I told you I left you at the pub a year ago because I thought you were going to Houston to tell a man you were pregnant. I said I knew now it must have been your parents. You could have corrected me last night. You could have told me the truth. A hundred times, you could have told me. At the hospital, with the birth certificate. Your parents believe Sterling has no father. Ruby believes it. But it’s all been a massive, massive lie.”
Tana was horrified at the fury and agony in Caden’s face. She was horrified, because it was her fault.
“My sister-in-law warned me. She said the real father would show up one day to raise his own child. He has. He does.”
“Does what?” Tana desperately needed to make herself clear. “Wants to raise Sterling? He does not.”
“He’ll be back to talk things out with you.” Caden grabbed his jacket off a chair, his truck keys off the table.
“You and I have to talk,” she said, panic making her rush her words. “Us. We. Not him.”
“It’s not even the lie that kills me. It’s not. It’s the fact that you knew.” Caden squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. His chest heaved with each breath. “My God, Tana. You knew this would happen. You let me love Sterling, anyway. Month after month, you stood by and watched me fall in love with that baby. How could you do that?”
He dropped his hand and headed toward the door.
She pushed away from the table and ran after him. “Where are you going?”
“Away from here. I have to step aside. The real father wants to be with his son. He has that right.”
“Jerry isn’t a father.” Why would no one, not one person, believe her on this? “Did you know he could get the courts to order a paternity test? He could, but he won’t. He’s the kind who dodges responsibility. He always has.”
Caden rounded on her. “You know damn well he is Sterling’s father, but you’ll force him to go to court to prove it? That’s cruel. You have no idea, none at all, how much a child can mean to a man.” Caden yanked the door open. “I wish I didn’t know, either.”
Her own front door was shut in her face.
She could barely get out the words. “Stay. Please.”
It didn’t matter. Caden was already gone.
* * *
Ten days.
That was all Tana could stand.
Caden
hadn’t been home—or he hadn’t answered her knock—each time she’d tried to see him. She’d gone with Sterling, holding him on her shoulder so his little face would be visible through the peep hole. On Ruby’s advice, she’d tried going alone, wearing Caden’s plaid shirt and her shortest denim shorts. There’d been no answer to her knock then, either. Caden blocked her number. She couldn’t even leave him a message.
She missed him every minute of the day.
So did the baby.
Tana might deserve to lose Caden, but Sterling did not. Ten days was enough.
Tana finished assembling the jogging stroller, buckled Sterling in it and ran to the fire station, right into the open bay doors. She parked the stroller next to Engine 37, wiped the sweat from her face with her exercise towel, and tugged on her ponytail to tighten it up.
Javier saw her first. “Hey...Tana.” He looked nervously toward the door that led into their living area. “Stopping here for some water?”
“No. I’m stopping here to see Caden.” She gave herself kudos for sounding confident when her stomach was in knots.
Keith joined them. “I can see if he’s here. I mean, he’s here, but he might be asleep. Let me go ask him. Check on him, I mean.”
From behind her, a masculine voice addressed them all. “I’m here. I’ll meet you guys in the office. This won’t take a minute.” Javier and Keith disappeared almost as fast as Tana turned around to face Caden.
Her thoughtful plan, a mature approach to a necessary conversation, flew right out of her head. It’s you, look at you, look at those eyes, I love you, I miss you.
Caden crossed his arms over his chest. “Why are you here, Tana?”
She’d rehearsed this answer. “I came by to answer your questions.”
“I have none.”
She wished Sterling hadn’t zonked out in the stroller. If he were awake, he would have dive-bombed from her arms toward Caden, and Caden would have caught him, rather than standing here like an angry bar bouncer.
“You had several questions,” she said. “You asked how I could have watched you fall in love with this baby, when I knew you weren’t the father.”