by Penny Jordan
She was vaguely conscious of being steered towards a chair and instructed to sit down, and then of a glass of water being handed to her.
‘There’s nothing wrong. I’m perfectly all right,’ she protested frantically. The last thing she needed right now was to arouse any kind of suspicions about her health!
‘Ella, you do look pale,’ Tanya was saying worriedly.
‘I’m just a bit tired, that’s all,’ Mariella insisted.
‘You will probably feel better once you have had something to eat. We are going to have an informal family dinner this evening.’
‘No,’ Mariella refused agitatedly. The last thing she felt able to cope with right now was any more time spent in Xavier’s company.
‘Tanya, I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel up to it. I’m rather tired...the flight...’
‘Of course, petite, we understand,’ Madame Flavel was assuring her soothingly, unintentionally coming to her rescue. ‘Don’t we, Xavier?’ she appealed.
‘Perfectly,’ Mariella heard Xavier agreeing harshly.
* * *
ABRUPTLY MARIELLA OPENED her eyes. Her heart was thumping heavily. She had been dreaming about Xavier. She looked at her watch. It was only just gone ten o’clock. The others would probably just be sitting down for their evening meal. Her throat ached and felt raw, tight with the intensity of her emotions.
As she slid her feet out of the bed and padded to the window to look out into the shadowy garden she shivered in the coolness of the air-conditioning. It was there by the pool that Xavier had massaged her aching shoulders, and she had realised how much she’d wanted him. Because she had wanted his child, not because she loved him.
Her eyes burned dryly with pain. What she was feeling, what she was having to confront now, went way, way beyond the relief of easy tears.
So she was her mother’s daughter, after all! She was to suffer the same pain as her mother—a pain she had inflicted on herself! How could she have been so stupid? How could she have been so reckless as to challenge fate? How could she have ignored everything that she knew about herself? Surely somewhere she must have realised that it was impossible for her to give herself to a man with the passionate intensity she had given herself to Xavier and not love him?
All she had wanted was to have a child, she insisted stubbornly. A child? No, what she had wanted was Xavier’s child. And that alone should have told her, warned her...
With appalling clarity Mariella suddenly realised what she had done. Not so much to herself but to her child!
One day her child was going to demand to know about its father. When that happened, what answers was she going to be able to give?
Now she could cry. Slow, acid tears of guilt and regret, but it was too late to change things now.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she whispered, her hands on her stomach. ‘Please, please try to forgive me...I love you so much...’
She had stolen the right to choose fatherhood from Xavier, and she had stolen from her child the right to be fathered...loved.
It was gone midnight when she finally stopped pacing the room and crawled into bed to fall into a shallow, exhausted sleep, riddled with guilt and anguished dreams.
* * *
‘WELL, WHAT DO you think? How do I look?’ Tanya demanded excitedly as she twirled round in front of Mariella in her new outfit.
‘You look fabulous,’ Mariella assured her truthfully.
‘And so do you,’ Tanya told her. Mariella forced a smile.
Her own dress with its simple flowing lines did suit her, but she was far more concerned about how well it concealed her shape than how well she looked in it. In less than half an hour they would be on their way to the gala opening of the prince’s new hospitality suite at the racecourse, and Mariella would have given anything not to have to be there!
Tanya, on the other hand, couldn’t wait, her excitement more than making up for Mariella’s lack of it.
The last three days had been total torture for her. It would have been bad enough simply discovering that she loved Xavier without the additional emotional anguish of having to endure his constant presence. Every time she looked at him the pain grew worse and so did her guilt.
She had hardly been able to eat because of her misery and anxiety, and she couldn’t wait to get on the plane that would take her home!
Under different circumstances, although she would have been nervous about the thought of the coming event, it would have been a very different kind of nervousness, caused purely by her anxiety about people’s reaction to her work. Right now, she recognised ruefully, she hardly cared what they thought!
‘Come on,’ Tanya urged her. ‘It’s time to go.’
Reluctantly, Mariella got up.
She could feel Xavier’s gaze burning into her as she walked into the courtyard where he and Khalid were already standing beside the waiting car.
The hot desert wind tugged at the thin silk layers of her full-length dress and immediately Mariella reached anxiously to hold them away from her body.
To her relief Xavier got into the front of the car, but she was still acutely conscious of him as Ali drove them towards the racecourse. Unlike Xavier, Khalid favoured a strong modern male cologne, but she could still smell beneath it the scent of Xavier’s skin, and deep down inside her a part of her cried out in anguished pain and longing, aching despairingly for him.
‘Poor Ella, you must be so nervous.’ Tanya tried to comfort her, sensing her distress, but to Mariella’s relief not realising the real cause of it. ‘You’ve hardly eaten a thing since you arrived, and you look so pale.’
* * *
‘TANYA IS RIGHT—YOU do look pale,’ Xavier told Mariella grimly several minutes later when they had reached their destination and he had opened the car door for her, leaving her with no alternative but to get out. His hand was beneath her elbow, preventing her from moving away from him. Instinctively Mariella knew that he had been waiting for the opportunity to vent the anger he obviously felt towards her against her. She had seen it in his eyes every time he looked at her, felt it in the tension that crackled between them. ‘What’s wrong, Mariella? If it isn’t food you want, then perhaps it’s another appetite you want to have satisfied. Is that it? Are you hungry for sex?’ he demanded harshly.
‘No,’ Mariella denied immediately, trying again to pull away from him. He was making sure that no one else could hear what he was saying to her, she recognised, and making sure too that she could not get away from him.
Had he deliberately waited until now? Chosen this particular time to launch his attack on her, when he knew she couldn’t escape from him?
‘No?’ he taunted her. ‘Then why are you trembling so much? Why do you look so hungrily at me when you think I am not aware of you doing so?’
‘I am not...I do not,’ Mariella replied. She could feel her face starting to burn and her heart beginning to pound.
‘You’re lying,’ Xavier told her softly. ‘And don’t deny it. Unless you want to provoke me into proving to you that you are! Is that what you want, Mariella?’
‘Stop it! Stop doing this to me,’ Mariella demanded. She could hear her own voice shaking with emotion and was helplessly aware that it wouldn’t be long before her body betrayed her by following suit.
‘I spoke to your agent today. She told me that she was sure you’d be thrilled to learn that I want to commission you for a very special project. She certainly was especially when I told her how much I was prepared to pay to secure your exclusive...services.’
Mariella reeled from the shock of his taunting comment.
‘Xavier, please,’ she begged him fatally, her eyes widening as she saw the look of triumph leaping to life in his eyes.
‘Please?’ he repeated silkily.
‘Xavier, Mariella, come
on...’ Tanya urged them.
‘We’re coming. I was just discussing a certain plan with Mariella,’ Xavier said smoothly as he guided Mariella towards the throng of people making for the entrance to the suite.
* * *
‘WELL, SISTER-IN-LAW, I think we can safely say that your frieze is an outstanding success,’ Khalid commented, grinning at Mariella. ‘Everyone is talking about it and it is very, very impressive!’
Mariella tried to respond enthusiastically, but she felt achingly tired from answering all the questions she had received about the frieze, and, besides, her whole nervous system was still on red alert just in case Xavier should suddenly reappear and continue his cynical verbal torment.
‘Khalid and I are going to get something to eat, in a few minutes,’ Tanya told her. ‘Do you want to come with us?’
Nauseously Mariella shook her head. The last thing she wanted was food. She had been feeling sick all day and her stomach heaved at the very thought.
‘Here comes the prince,’ Tanya whispered as the royal party appeared.
‘Mariella. My congratulations. Everyone is most impressed!’
As she acknowledged his praise Mariella suddenly realised that Xavier was with him. Her feeling of sickness increased, but grimly she refused to submit to it.
‘Xavier has just been telling me that he has commissioned you to make a visual record of the everyday life of his people,’ the prince was continuing. ‘A truly excellent idea!’ Smiling at her, he started to move on.
So that was what Xavier had meant! Already dropping her head in deference to the prince, Mariella suddenly raised it, intending to glare at Xavier, but instead she was overcome by a dizzying surge of weakness.
‘Ella, what is it? What’s wrong?’ Tanya demanded anxiously. ‘You look as though you’re going to faint! Feeling sick...looking like you’re going to faint—anyone would think you’re pregnant!’ Tanya laughed.
As her sister turned away Mariella realised that Xavier was looking straight at her, and she knew immediately from his expression that he had heard Tanya’s teasing comment and that somehow he had guessed the truth!
The urge to turn and run was so strong that she suspected if the gallery had not been so crowded she would have done so. But once again Xavier seemed to be able to read her mind because suddenly he was standing beside her.
‘Your sister isn’t well,’ she heard him telling Tanya curtly. ‘I’m taking her back to the villa.’
‘No,’ Mariella protested, but it was too late. Khalid was urging Tanya to go with him to get something to eat, and Xavier was already propelling her towards the exit.
It was impossible for either of them to say anything in the car with Ali driving. ‘This way,’ Xavier told Mariella grimly once they were back at the villa, stopping her from seeking the sanctuary of her own room as his hand on the small of her back ushered her towards his own suite of rooms.
‘You can’t do this!’ Mariella said shakily. ‘I’m a single woman, remember, and—’
‘A single woman who is carrying my child!’ Xavier stopped her savagely as he opened the suite door and almost pushed her inside.
Mariella could feel herself starting to tremble. She didn’t have the strength for this kind of fight. Not now and probably not ever!
‘Xavier, I’m tired. It’s been a long day.’
‘Why the hell didn’t you say something? Or were you hoping that by not eating and by exhausting yourself you could provoke a natural end to it?’ he accused, ignoring her plea.
‘No,’ Mariella denied immediately, horrified. ‘No! How dare you say that? I would never...’ Tears filled her eyes. ‘I wanted this baby,’ she told him passionately. ‘I...’
Abruptly she stopped, her expression betraying her as she saw the way he was looking at her.
‘Would you mind repeating that?’ he demanded with dangerous softness.
Nervously Mariella licked her lips.
‘Repeat what?’ she asked him.
‘Don’t play games with me, Mariella,’ he warned her. ‘You know perfectly well what I mean. You just said “I wanted this baby”...“wanted,” rather than “want,” which means...which means that it wasn’t just sex you wanted from me, as you claimed, was it?
‘What? Nothing to say?’ he challenged her bitingly. ‘Not even an “it was an accident”?’
Mariella bit down hard on her lower lip.
She wasn’t going to demean herself by lying to him!
‘You don’t have to worry,’ she tried to defend herself, her voice wobbling. ‘I won’t ever make any kind of claims on you, Xavier. I intend to take full responsibility for...for everything. I want to take full responsibility,’ she stressed fiercely. ‘There’s no way I intend to let my baby suffer as I did through having a father who...’
‘Your baby?’ Xavier stopped her harshly. ‘Your baby, Mariella, is my child! My child!’
‘No!’ Mariella denied immediately. ‘This baby has nothing whatsoever to do with you, Xavier. He or she will be completely mine!’
‘Nothing to do with me! I don’t believe I’m hearing this,’ Xavier breathed savagely. ‘This baby...my baby has everything to do with me, Mariella. After all, without me he or she just could not exist! I’ll make arrangements for us to be married as quickly and as quietly as possible, and then—’
‘Married! No!’ Mariella refused vehemently, her panic showing in her expression as she confronted him. ‘I’m not going to get married, Xavier. Not ever. When my mother married my father, she believed that he loved her, that she could trust him, rely on him...but she couldn’t. He left her... He left us both because he didn’t want me.’
All the emotions she had been bottling up inside her whooshed out in a despairing stream of agonised denial, even whilst somewhere deep down inside her most guarded private self there was a deep burning pain at the thought of just how very, very much she wanted Xavier’s total commitment for her baby and for herself. His total commitment and his enduring love! The pain of her own self-knowledge was virtually unbearable. She ached for him to simply take her in his arms and hold her safe, to keep her safe for ever, and yet at the same time her own self-conditioning was urging her to deny and deride those feelings to protect herself.
‘I am not your father, Mariella, and where my child is concerned—’ his mouth tightened ‘—in Zuran it is a father whose rights are paramount. I would be within my legal rights in ensuring that you are not permitted to leave the country with my child—either before or after his or her birth!’
Distraught, Mariella demanded passionately, ‘Why are you doing this? Your own aunt told me that you had sworn never to marry or have children; that you didn’t want a wife or children.’
‘No,’ Xavier stopped her curtly. ‘It is true that I had decided not to marry, but not because I didn’t want... The reason I had chosen not to marry was because I believed I could never find a woman who would love me as a man, with fire and passion and commitment, and that I wouldn’t be able to find a woman also who would understand and accept my responsibilities to my people. I didn’t think that such a woman could exist!’
‘And because she doesn’t...because I am carrying your child, you’re prepared to marry me instead, is that it? I can’t do it, Xavier. I won’t, I won’t be married, just because of the baby.’ Her voice began to wobble betrayingly as her emotions overwhelmed her and to her own humiliation tears flooded her eyes and began to roll down her face. Helplessly Mariella lifted her hands to her face to shield herself, unable to bear Xavier’s contemptuous response to her distress. It must be baby hormones that were making her cry like this, making her feel so weak and vulnerable!
‘Mariella.’
Mariella froze with shock as she felt the warmth of Xavier’s exhaled breath against her skin, as he crossed the space between them and too
k her in his arms.
‘Don’t!’ His voice was rough with pain. ‘I can’t bear the thought of knowing that you and my child, the two people I love the most, will be lost to me, but I can’t bear either knowing that I have forced you to stay with me against your will. When you came to me in the desert, gave yourself to me...it was as though you had read my mind. Shared my thoughts and my feelings, known how much I had wanted us to be together, and known too that I had been waiting for the right opportunity to approach you and tell you how I felt, but I was conscious of what had happened during your own childhood with your father. I wanted to win your belief in me, your trust of me...before I revealed to you how much I wanted to ask you to share my life! I knew how strong your sense of commitment was, your sense of responsibility, and I knew that the future of my people would rest safely in your hands. I thought that together you and I could...but I was wrong, as you made very clear to me... You didn’t love me; you didn’t even really want me. You merely wanted someone to father your child.
‘I want and need both of you here with me more than I can find the words to tell you, but I cannot bear to see you so distressed. I shall make arrangements for you to return to England if that is what you want, but what I would ask you is that you allow me to play at least some part in my child’s life, however small. I shall, of course, make financial provision for both of you...that is not just my duty, but my right! But at least once a year I should like your permission to see my child. To spend time with him or her. If necessary I shall come to your country to do so. And...’
Mariella fought to take in what he was saying. Xavier wanted her. Xavier loved her. In fact he loved her so much that he was prepared to put her needs and wishes above his own!
A new feeling began to whisper softly through her, a soft warmth that permeated every cell of her body, melting away all the tiny frozen particles of mistrust and pain that had been with her from the very first moment she had known about her father. A feeling so unfamiliar, so heady and euphoric that it made her literally tremble with happiness, and excitement unfurled and grew inside.