“You should go take a nap,” Gina suggests. “I’ll watch her.”
“I’ll just rest my eyes for a bit. Thanks.”
I settle into the chair, lean my head on the back, and close my eyes. When I open them again, Raven is sitting up in bed, drinking soup and talking to Gina.
“I love your perfume. What is it?” Raven asks.
“It’s not perfume. I’m allergic. I mix essential oils and different lotions together to get the scent I want.”
I shake away the sleep and sit on the edge of the bed, halting their conversation. “Why didn’t you wake me?” I ask Gina.
“I told her not to,” Raven answers. “You looked tired.”
Gina takes the bowl from Raven and leaves. I climb in next to her and wrap my arm around her shoulder as she leans in to me with a sigh.
“How do you feel?”
“I’m okay… worried about you. Deena said you hadn’t slept… and your face is bruised.”
“Who’s Deena?”
“We’ve been through this before. The woman who just left here… Super Head?”
“Fuck me.” I chuckle. “I’ve been calling her ‘Gina’ all this time. She didn’t even say anything.”
“Now, who would dare correct the mighty Reaper?”
I inhale deeply, squeezing her shoulder. “Not so mighty. I haven’t been able to save you.”
She sits up, searching my eyes as she lays a hand on my jaw. “None of this is your fault. You’ve done everything you can do. The rest is on me.”
“Tell me what to do. Tell me how to help you. I can’t help if you don’t talk to me. I need to know, Raven. I need my baby girl back.”
“You’ll get her back, I promise. I’m not going to let this thing rule my life anymore. I’m taking back control. I think that’s what Dr. Jayne said. I should have listened to her a long time ago.”
“You still need to let me in.”
“I will,” she promises. “But… maybe you should let go of the search. Even just for a while.”
“You can’t ask me to sit around and do nothing, Raven.”
“I’m not. Just… suspend it for a while. Let’s focus on us. This thing has been controlling both our lives. We just need to step back, regroup.”
I’ve been thinking about doing just that since E suggested it, but I didn’t want her to think I’d given up. I don’t want to sit around and let that fucker think he’s gotten away with putting his hands on my woman.
“Please, Gage. I need you.”
I search her face and her expression breaks me. Her eyes are tearing up, her bottom lip trembling. I can’t say no to her. “Okay, doll. I’ll give it a rest.”
There’s a knock at the door and Pop comes in without waiting for an answer. Other than E and Deena, he’s the only one who knows what happened. I’ve kept her mother and friends at bay, but I don’t think I could have done it for much longer. I spend the next couple of hours listening to Chopper fawn over her. I’ve never seen him like this, not even with Mom when she was alive. It was instant, too. He’s been smitten with her since the beginning.
“Are you trying to steal my woman?” I joke.
“If I were a little younger, I’m sure I could. Youth is the only thing you got on me, son.”
“Is that so?”
“Why don’t we ask the lady?” He turns to Raven. “What do you say, lil darlin’?”
Her eyes dart between us as she bites her lip, trying to hold back a smile. I wish she wouldn’t. I’d give anything to see that perfect smile of hers.
“One thing I can say is you’re definitely father and son. He’s you,” she jerks her head at me, “only younger. So, if you were trying to steal me away, it would probably be a tough decision.”
Chopper throws his head back and laughs, but I’m not amused. No one’s taking her from me—not Chopper, not anyone.
“I knew you were a keeper, lil darlin’.”
“Yeah? How’d you figure that out?” she asks.
“Well,” he moves closer, “that first night I saw you two together, I thought ‘this should be interesting’.”
“Because he’s such a man-whore?”
“Hey, I’m right here!” I exclaim.
She gives me the side-eye. “You know it’s true.”
“I can’t help it if I’m irresistible to the entire female population.”
“Whatever. Go on, Chopper.”
“As I was saying,” he gives me a dirty look. “You’re right. He is a man-whore. Hell, we all are, but I thought you might give him a run for his money. Then, you shot a man who was trying to kill my son. Around here, we protect what’s ours with our lives. That’s what you did. That’s how I knew you fit.” He points to me. “That’s when I knew you were his future.”
Well, damn. Where did that come from? I’ve never heard him talk like that before, either. Is he getting soft in his old age? Whatever the reason, Raven’s falling for it. She scurries to her knees and throws her arms around him.
“I knew Gage got his little sweet streak from you.”
“I am not sweet,” Chopper and I say at the same time.
Raven laughs. She fucking laughs. I pretty much gawk at her as she falls back on the bed, downright hysterical. It’s like music to my ears—the second best thing I’ve heard today next to her heart beating. It gives me a glimpse of my sunshine. It’s not much, but when it’s been raining for so long, a single ray is like a fucking miracle. Fuck, I’m sick of the rain. This? This gives me hope.
“See? I told you! You’re totally twinsies!”
Right now, I couldn’t care less about being like Chopper. I may be getting my hopes up over nothing, but this feels like progress. For the first time in months, she seems like her old self, like my little bird is coming back to me.
At least, that’s what I thought. After Chopper leaves, she goes right back into her shell. I try to comfort her, but she won’t talk to me or even let me touch her. She turns her back to me, curling up in the fetal position. I just don’t know what to do.
I leave her to take a much needed shower. Maybe I should give her some space. Plus, I just need some time to clear my own head. She’s not in the room when I return. I dress in record time and hurry out to the bar, searching for her. I walk in and feel like I stepped into the twilight zone. The soft notes of some love song echo from the speakers, and the guys are all sitting around quietly. Some are just staring into space, but the others are focused on something. I follow their gazes straight to Raven. Who knew it would take this little woman to tame this wild bunch? She has her hands in the air, waving them slowly from side to side like she’s at a concert. She takes a hit of the joint between her thumb and index finger while she twirls. Her eyes are closed, seeming enchanted by the music. Pursing her lips, she blows the smoke into the air.
I make my way over to her and remove the joint from her fingers. Her lids flutter open and she stares up at me, her eyes glazed over. It’s an empty stare, like she doesn’t see me. Then, there’s a flash of recognition and she smiles. She smiles and my fucking heart skips a beat. It’s weak, barely there. It’s not the hundred-watt smile I love, but I’ll take it.
She runs her hands down my cut then grabs both sides, pulling me to her. It’s her signature move, I guess, sliding her hands under my cut and around my waist. She lays her head on my chest and hugs me tightly. I take a puff of the joint and wrap my arms around her. She sways against me, her nails dragging across my back as she clutches my shirt. The words of the song register in my brain and I pull her closer. I want her to look to me for everything she needs. I want to be her home. I want her to know she’s never alone. I want to be the man she turns to, no matter what. I want to be all those things and more for her. She looks up at me, her eyes beseeching, needing me to understand. It’s then I realize she already sees me that way.
“I know, doll.”
I pick her up, one hand on her back, the other under her knees, and she lays her head on my should
er. I hand the joint to Ron and take her to my room. As I lay her on the bed, she grabs the sides of my cut.
“Why are you still here? Why are you still with me?”
“You’re mine, Raven. What happened didn’t change that.”
“But I’m—”
“Mine. As long as you need me, and even when you don’t, I’ll be here.”
***Raven***
Rock bottom. I’m there. It took me reaching the lowest point in my life—trying to kill myself—to realize how far I’d fallen. It opened my eyes to the miserable existence I’ve been leading and the effect it’s had on the people around me. Especially Gage. It’s been hardest on him because he’s borne the brunt of it. He’s the one who’s been in the trenches with me, the one who’s had my back when it needed protecting the most. But there’s only so much he can do. My life was shattered. I was shattered. Now, it’s time to put the pieces back together. Like they say, when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up. It’s time for me to start climbing.
First things first, I need to arm myself with information. After all, that’s what I do—read. While Gage has been pounding on his punching bag, I’ve been on my laptop doing research. There are so many sites dedicated to sexual assault, so many brave women who’ve shared their own experiences. Strong, kick-ass women like Oprah Winfrey, Maya Angelou, Madonna, and Mary J. Blige have all opened up about their abuse. They persevered and went on to do amazing things, so I know there’s life after rape. What happened happened, and there’s nothing I can do to change it. What I can do is accept it and move on. I’ll never be okay with it, but that’s fine. I have people to support me, so I’m luckier than most. I’ve always had all the tools I needed for recovery; I just had to recognize I was the most important one.
Maybe I should find an activity to take my focus off the rape. Drawing isn’t working. I glance at Gage and an idea hits me like one of his punches to the bag. Boxing. Why not? If I’m concentrating on beating someone up, I’m not thinking about the rape, right? With that in mind, I slide off the bed and slink my way over to him. He stops mid-punch and turns to face me.
“What’s up?”
“I was wondering… if you’d teach me.” I nod to the bag.
His brows shoot up in surprise and he drops his arms. “You wanna learn to box?”
“Yeah. Will you teach me?”
“Well, I can show you a few things, but you won’t be able to do much until your shoulder heals.”
Crap. I forgot about that. “I could use my left hand in the meantime.”
I move forward at his insistence and he positions me between him and the bag.
“Okay, doll. First thing, you gotta relax.”
His hands on my shoulders startle me, but I shake it off as he begins rubbing them. I close my eyes, wiggle my fingers, then clench and unclench my hands.
“Now,” he continues. “Spread your legs, just a little wider than your shoulders.” Once I’m in position, he says, “Good. You’re right handed so you’d place your left foot forward. Just a regular step away from the right.”
I step forward and look down at my feet. “Like this?”
He kneels and moves my feet to his liking, gently sliding his fingers along my leg as he stands. I don’t know why, but it makes me uncomfortable. Maybe it’s because my skin didn’t tingle the way it used to, or maybe it’s because I’m afraid it’ll never happen again.
“Gimme a sec.” I head to the chest of drawers and try to find something to wear. I grab a pair of cropped cargo pants and slide them on. They’re tight around the thighs and ass, and barely button. I kick them off and try a pair of shorts, then another. Same thing. What the hell? I look down at my body, wondering just how much weight I’ve put on. I was never skinny to begin with, so my ass must be gigantic right now.
“What’s wrong?” Gage inquires, seeing my frustration.
“My clothes don’t fit.”
“What?”
“I said my clothes don’t fit.”
“So? I’ll buy you new clothes.” He gives me a nonchalant shrug.
“I don’t want to fit into new clothes. I want to fit in my old clothes.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is.”
“The big deal is I’m fat. You won’t want me if I’m fat.”
He walks over casually and cradles my face in both hands, angling it so I’m looking at him.
“Babe... number one, you are not fat. Number two, I like my woman with meat on her bones. Number three, and most important, I’ll want you no matter what size you are. So... I’ll buy you new clothes.”
I open my mouth to speak then promptly close it. What do I say? If I tell him it was a sweet thing he said, he’ll just deny it. But it was. It was unbelievably sweet. In fact, it was perfect.
“You always know exactly what to say.”
“Just telling the truth, doll.”
He kisses my forehead then reaches into his drawer and pulls out some basketball shorts for me. Once I’m dressed, we head back to the bag. I place my feet exactly the way he had them then wait for my next instruction.
“Bend your knees slightly and put the majority of your weight on your back leg. Bring your arms up, but make sure you keep them relaxed.”
I’m actually starting to get excited. I want to kick the shit out of this bag. He places one hand on the top of my head, the other under my chin, and tilts my head down by a small degree.
“Keep your elbows in, hands up. Always protect your face.”
“Elbows in, hands up. Got it.”
“I’ll show you how to throw a punch. Once your shoulder’s better, I’ll take you to the ring and we can work on movement.”
“Okay,” I agree.
He takes hold of my left fist, rotating it as he extends my arm. “This is a left jab. From the chin out. You wanna make sure the punch lands like this.” He points to the way my fist is positioned. “At a straight angle.”
“Got it.”
“Push off your back leg and step into the punch, toward the bag. Try it.”
I recite his instructions in my head and throw a tentative punch.
“Good,” he encourages me. “Again.”
I throw another… and another. This feels better than any therapy session I’ve had so far.
“You’re doing great, baby doll. This will be your go-to punch until we can do more.”
I give him a big smile and turn my attention back to the bag. On its surface, I envision the dark figure at my door. I land my fist right in the middle of the image. It doesn’t disappear, but it flickers.
I’m going to beat you. I’m going to hammer away at you until you’re nothing but a distant memory. You stole my life and I’m taking it back. One punch at a time.
CHAPTER 13
***Raven***
Elbows in, hands up, protect your face. The words are emblazoned on my mind since I’ve been reciting them for three months. Learning to box was the best idea I’ve ever had. It hasn’t magically made my life a fairy tale, but at least I’m living. I no longer just go through the motions of each day. I started out small—spending my days outside of the bedroom—and I got to know the guys better by hanging out with them every day. Ellen came over whenever she could, and I got to play with Mikey. When I was bored, I started doing housework. I cleaned Gage’s bedroom and took over his laundry from Aunt Nita. Then I started helping out in the kitchen. Before long, the Hounds deferred to me and I basically started running it. That pissed Britney off. She doesn’t even come into the kitchen anymore, sticking to the bar.
Gage was happy, and that’s all that mattered. He was able to devote his time back to his businesses, but he came home for dinner every day. Deena’s helped me a lot, too. I really don’t see how she could have been friends with Lonnie. Other than being Hounds, they don’t seem to have anything else in common.
Crow and Motor are the only ones with old ladies, but Marlowe and Renae don’t come to the clubhouse much. On the rare occas
ions they do, we get along great. They’ve even given me “old lady lessons,” which I’m wondering if I’ll ever need. Things with Laurelyn are much better. We’ve been talking almost every day, and I’m supposed to go visit in the summer when Dani is out of school. Overall, things have been going pretty well for me.
As time passed and my shoulder healed, Gage stepped up my lessons. Right now, I have Fort Minor’s “Remember The Name” coming through my earbuds while I spar with Booker. I give him my left jab and he shakes his hand out even though he’s wearing punch mitts. I know I’m stronger in that arm because it’s all I could use until now.
“Damn, girl. Take it easy on me.”
“Man up, pussy.” I grin at him.
I’m ready to go again, but he drops his arms to his sides and nods to something behind me. I pull out my earbuds and turn to see Gage climbing into the ring. He yanks me toward him and crushes my lips beneath his. His hand snakes down my back and he grabs my ass, squeezing the cheek. I moan, throwing my arms around his neck.
We still haven’t had sex. Truth be told, both my mind and body aren’t quite there yet. We’ve kissed. A lot. But we’ve never taken it further and he hasn’t pushed me. The tingles have returned and every time I look at him, I imagine him naked. I’ve thought about it but honestly, I’m worried about pleasing him. What if I’m damaged? I’ve checked—stuck a finger inside myself—and it felt okay, I guess. I even had Dr. E examine me and he said I’m fine, but how will it feel for Gage? What if he doesn’t enjoy it? What if I disappoint him? God, I couldn’t bear it if that happened.
“Hey, babe,” he whispers as he breaks our kiss.
“Hey.”
“Time to go.”
“But I’m not done.”
He moves into his caveman stance, hands crossed on his chest, and frowns at me. “Your time’s up. Let’s go.”
“Ugh! Fine.”
He’s had this silly notion of limiting my time in the gym because he thinks I’ve lost too much weight. I think I look great. After I started working out, I went back to my original weight then lost five more pounds. My body is toned and I have kick-ass abs. He put his foot down when I told him I wanted a six-pack, then he started bringing home all kinds of junk for me to eat, saying he needed to fatten me up. Crazy.
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