Dave on Earth: part 1 Dave saves Earth

by Ryan McCord

ages by car. “, said Bob “Not if we use the beam engine.” Dave would normally not use it, but this was important. In an instant they were in Liverpool.

  “Oh great”, said Bob,” With anywhere in the universe we could be we are in a street of terrace houses. It’s all really mystical.” “This is no ordinary street. This is… No wait it’s over there”, said Dave. They followed Bob as he walked to a street and then strode down. There was an eerie feeling as they followed. There at their right was a small child dressed shabby trousers and no shoes, a woman cleaned the steps. “This is odd.” said Mad Milk, “The people do not look of our time. Also have you noticed? They do not see us.” “How do you know?” Spoke Bob. “Because you’re a transvestite grey alien walking down a street. If they could see us they would have reacted.” “We’re still in our own time this is just a naturally occurring time vortex.” Spoke Dave,” It is created by the large geological features deep below the Earth, coupled with the environment acting as a type of recorder. Anyway we turn here.” They followed as he turned and went inside of one of the houses. As they went inside the narrow door, they gazed inside. All was not as expected it appeared quite different to what they had expected. Instead of a small terrace house was what looked like a large pretty scruffy pub.” It’s bigger on the inside.” said Bob.” No it’s not.” said Malk,” It’s just extended into the other houses.” Dave spoke, “That’s correct. That’s the advantages with time vortexes the spaces they create are owned by no one and have an unusual structural resilience caused by the fact that the inside is in a different time to the outside. That’s why you can see cracks on the walls. Technically the outside is approximately 1 minute from falling apart. However as this will be in another time. It really doesn’t matter.” The pub was full of old people mainly men. Only one woman: she seemed to be working as a barmaid. “Why the hell are we here” said Bob. “We are here to see the old ones. To ask for their help”, announced Dave. “It’s all very well for you”, spoke the nearest old man,” I want the help of the old ones. Don’t you realize that there’s bingo coming up, and the key draw hasn’t been done yet?” “It really is quite urgent.” spoke Dave. “My that’s a fine figure of a man” said the barmaid with a pout. ”Thanks”, said Dave. ”No. It is not urgent”, said another man who appeared to be wearing a red pullover,” This is in its own time. So long as you leave by that door”, he pointed at the door opposite,”You can go anywhere and anytime. As long as you possess the right mental abilities.” “Which looks by the size of that fella.” spoke the barmaid,” He has in abundance.” “Well in that case. I’ll have a packet of pork crackling.” announced Mad Malk. “And beers all round.” added Dave. Bob fiddled with his knickers nervously as grey aliens have trouble drinking pints. They aren’t very large, so have trouble holding the liquid. Dave loved beer, it helped him put on weight which for a minervian made him more intelligent, physically fitter. It was of benefit all round. Well almost he still got drunk but Dave liked being drunk as he had a high need for achievement he felt being drunk gave him an excuse if he failed. However Dave rarely failed at anything, but since he was so incredibly disciplined eating kebabs and chips whenever he could, it was no shock to any minervian. The old ones looked on: Bob, Dave and Mad Malk sat on the only empty table. Just then a voice boomed,” Eyes down for your first house. Number seven prime number. Two and one, seven times three. Minervian’s den number ten. Pi, Three point one four etcetera.” ”Irrational number”, they all shouted. “I’m going to have a house first. I will win.” said one old man.” How do you know that?” “I just lip read his muttering, and as we know he is Mad Malk great telepathic mind. I am the winner.” “Well that’s buggered that up.” “Did I really mutter.” said Malk,” Sorry.” “Don’t worry about it. Anyway as none of us want to continue the game he does not win.” “That’s not bloody fair he protested.” “Don’t worry.” said Malk,” They will continue with the game anyway when we’re gone, just to make sure.”

 

  “This is great”, said Malk” we still don’t know where to go.” “Yes”, but said Dave”but now we can get anywhere. But how to get back?” “My great grandmother would know. She was extremely powerful.” “Well”, interjected Dave “We can’t go there she’s dead” “Then it is decided we go through time and space to see Malks gran.” announced Dave “Where did she live exactly?” “She lived exactly where I do but a long time ago. Let’s say 70 years ago she would be in full power.” “Well we walk through the door. I will concentrate and I will take us through time and space to South Stanley 70 years ago.” “But it‘s the other door?” spoke up Mad Malk. “It’s OK; we’re going to drive through.” They entered the car and drove in the house and through the door which turned into a portal; and they were in South Stanley. “It looks the same, are you sure it’s the right time” said Bob. “It has, the brickwork looks younger.” said Malk. “Well it’s your Gran”, said Dave “You should go in first” Malk knocked at the door, and a voice spoke softly,” Come in dear I’ve been waiting for you.” They entered and there in front of them was a quite sexy young woman. “Well you’ve buggered the letter box even more when you travelled through time. I’m getting your bloody mail.” she said to Malk “Anyway my name is Mabel. People call me Mad Mabel due to my powers that they cannot understand. If this goes on 4 more generations it’s going to become our surname.” “ Do you know what we must do?” Dave asked.” No I do not have enough power”, she said,” But I know who in combination with us all has. We must go further back I time to the original occult member of our family. Me and Malks founding father, the first member of our family with an occult title.” “Occult title”, said Dave “The Mad part.”, said Malk. “Yes we must go to see completely insane Brian. He was thrown out of the druids for being unusual.” added Mad Mabel. “Oh Christ.” said Dave “Well the more the merrier, back into the car.” They all went into the car were transported back to Liverpool to the streets entered again.” “You, you bugger you’re, going to or already have driven through our house. You messed the meat draw up. The meats stuck to the ceiling”, said the man with a red jumper on. “Well go on the”, he said” might as well get it over with.” They nodded their heads and left. They got into the car and again drove through the far side door, and again it turned into a portal. Just as they were transported to South Stanley again they heard, “You’re bloody all barred.” Then they stopped the car and before them were large green fields. “We’re back in South Stanley”, spoke Mabel. “I thought the druids were welsh.” said Dave. “Well he was thrown out of the druids for being peculiar, given the mighty title, completely insane Brian, and sent to live in South Stanley for the duration of his life.” “So they thought”, said a character behind them” But I knew better I knew you would come for me. Come for me from the future. My name is completely insane Brian, druid, scholar, ovate, bard and who in a great work of premonition made a Cornish pasty in Wales thousands of years before they were invented in Cornwall. They hated that the bloody druids. It was only because they couldn’t do it. I had the munchies. What’s the point of having mystical powers if you are nibbly and can’t do anything about it?” Malk and Mabel looked on with a combination of awe and pride. “So what is the problem, what must we do.” “I know what it is. Just our combined presence of all three of us is enough for me to discern the problem. It is the three horseman of the apocalypse, hells super group.” “This sounds bad”, said Mabel. Malk and Dave nodded.” There’s only one thing we can do, we must go to hell, recruit the three most powerful souls in hell who are also amateur rockers, and pit them off against them in a tournament for humanity”, said Brian. “And I know who to get”, said Dave. “I have just realized I have their list of names with us. He looked at his beer mat and his Y-fronts.” “We need to get into the car. If I, Mabel and Brian concentrate we can get into Hell”, said Malk. “But how are we going to get back?” “Too late”, shrieked Bob fiddling with his make-up.

  In hell the car came
to an abrupt stop. There was fire all around and inside was wailing and shouting. “Oh no.”, said Bob. I wish I had my clean frock on. “Oh great”, said Malk”We’re going to look so tough. Four people accompanying a grey alien in a frock. Do you know what Bob you make us look like sissies?” “Well maybe we could go for the unusual deranged look”, said Mabel helpfully. “That might work. After all one may be a transvestite but the others are have the title mad. Except for me.”, said Dave. “Err actually my title is completely insane”, said Brian. “Are you sure that is a title; not a diagnosis?” said Dave.” Fairly sure.” “Fairly sure, our entire family line is called mad because of that” “That’s very unfair.” said Mabel” You earned that all on your own. Like I did. We are just a long line of great powerful people. More or less, there was a great uncle who became an economist.” “ We must go to the big room. The room where the most powerful evil souls of all time are kept. And