by Lauren North
I nod and drop my head, hiding my face. Inside, my chest aches. I always avoid talking about Rob’s job. Even with Kat, it’s something I brush over. It’s not because I don’t want to talk. I do.
I want to tell Kat that when Rob showed me the job advert for an engineer on an offshore oil rig in Nigeria four years ago, I laughed at the absurdity of it. Of course Rob, my husband, the father of my children, couldn’t take a job working away for three-month stints. He couldn’t put his life in danger and work in one of the few places in the world that still have pirates – actual pirates – and gangs of men in trucks who kidnap anyone who has a government willing to pay to have them returned and kill those who don’t.
‘It’s the only way, Anna. The pay is more than triple what I can make here,’ he said.
‘Because it’s so dangerous,’ I replied. ‘It says so right there in the job description. I know we’re in debt—’
‘A debt I don’t want to spend the next twenty years paying off, knowing that you’re worrying about how we’ll afford food at the end of the month. We’re a team and we’ve always been a team and I won’t go unless you agree, but please, Anna, I’m begging you to let me do this. I’ve made mistakes,’ he said, his voice cracking with the emotion I could see swimming in his eyes. ‘So many stupid mistakes. I got us into this mess; I lost our home, our friends, our lives. Let me make it right,’ he continued. ‘I know it will be hard for you and the kids. But I’ll be back every three months. And it won’t be forever. I’ve run the numbers. Things will still be tight but we’ll be able to afford to buy more while I pay off the debt. Five years, maybe six, and we’ll be back on our feet. Imagine it, Anna.’
And I did. I imagined what it would be like not to worry. Not to fear every phone call, every knock at the door, every letter. Not to feel my heart skip and flutter in my chest when I checked the bank balance before buying food. So I nodded. Shocked. Dumbfounded. Stricken with the weight of it all, but in the back of my mind I thought he’d come to his senses. Rob is his own man, his own boss. It was impossible to see him working for a big company. An employee. Grunt work, he always called it. And he wouldn’t, he couldn’t really leave us, could he? I should’ve known it was already a done deal. That’s Rob all over. He had the job offer before he even mentioned it and left a week later.
I want to tell Kat how precious those fourteen days are when Rob is home. Fourteen days when my bitterness melts – ice in a heatwave – and we cling to him, the kids climbing all over him, me waiting until the evenings before he pulls me into his arms. And then he’s gone again.
But how can I say any of that without talking about London and the little flat that followed? Sometimes I wonder why I bother hiding our dirty secret. Isn’t it obvious that we’re in debt up to our eyeballs? Why else would we choose to live our lives like this? But I say nothing. The humiliation is too raw.
Kat reaches a hand across the table, laying it over mine. ‘You must get so lonely,’ she says.
I jolt at Kat’s words. The heat of her touch is travelling up my arm and it’s all I can do not to snatch my hand back and leap away. For a single second I wonder if she knows. Is it written on my face? Did Dean tell someone? No, of course not. Dean wouldn’t do that.
There have been times over the last few months when I’ve almost told Kat about Dean, but something has always stopped me. I might trust Kat with my life, but I don’t trust her with my secrets. It’s a horrible thing to think about a best friend, but she has known Tracy, Gina, Sandra and Bev for a lot longer than me and I can imagine it happening so easily. A tiny little slip on a Friday night when the gin has been flowing. Gossip is part of village life and we all do it.
I know the truth will come out, but Rob has to hear it from me and it’s not a conversation we can have on a video call.
The buzz of a phone cuts through the silence and saves me from answering. Kat withdraws her hand, but the heat remains in my cheeks as she pulls out her iPhone and grimaces at the screen. ‘Oops. Is that the time already? I forgot the gardener was coming today. I’d better go.’
Kat stands and collects her mug from the table, taking it to the dishwasher.
‘Just leave it on the side,’ I say. ‘The dishwasher is broken.’
Her soft brown eyes dance with mischief. ‘Oh no, Anna. How will your OCD tidying cope with the mess?’
I laugh and shake my head. ‘I’m not OCD, I just like things to be organized.’
‘Yeah right! Actually, you won’t believe this, but we’ve got a spare dishwasher in the garage. Steve’s mum asked him to take it to the tip for her and he’s not got round to it yet. It’s in good condition. Less than a year old.’
‘You’re joking? Why did she get a new one?’
Kat rolls her eyes. ‘Something to do with the light at the bottom or the noise. I don’t really know. I never pay attention to a word that woman says, but I know it works and it’s built-in like you’ve got and I’m pretty sure they all come in the same size.’
I couldn’t possibly. These are the first words that come to mind. I can’t accept a dishwasher. It’s too much. And when this all began six years ago, when we did our midnight dash, that is what I would have said. My pride was still strong then – it hadn’t been pummelled by a daily grind of counting pennies, by choosing whether to pay the electricity or the water – but while things are better now, we are a long way from winning this fight and I know I won’t be calling a repairman. I either accept this from Kat or we go without and wash up the dishes.
‘Are you sure?’ I say. ‘Can I give you some money for it?’
She makes a face. ‘Anna, we’re throwing it away. You’d be doing me a favour by taking it.’
‘Well, OK. Thanks. That would be great. I could drive over at the weekend and—’
‘Don’t be ridiculous, I’ll send Steve with it in the van tonight when he gets back from work. He’s fitting bathrooms in those new-builds going up on the edge of town.’
‘Won’t he mind?’
‘What’s that got to do with anything?’ She laughs before moving to the front door. ‘He’ll be around before seven,’ she calls over her shoulder as she hurries down the road.
I close the front door and feel the silence, the loneliness, pushing into me. My phone is in my hands before I even realize and I’m texting Dean again, asking him to meet me. I hold my breath as I wait for the three little dots to appear below my message, but they don’t come, and only then do I allow the worry to creep in.
What if Monday changed things between us for good?
What if he told someone?
What if the truth comes out before I’m ready?
Interview with Kat Morris, member of Barton St Martin Parish Council
Interview conducted by Melissa Hart, The Daily Gazette, 2 November
MH: Mrs Morris, are you OK to answer a few questions?
Kat: I’m not sure I’m the right person to speak to but I’ll try.
MH: What can you tell me about Harriet James?
Kat: I can tell you everything about Harrie James. Harrie’s mum, Anna, is … was my best friend. I was probably the only one in the village who was close to her. What you need to understand about Anna is that she’s always been really protective of the kids. So when she started getting worried about Harrie, I thought – actually all of us thought – that it was just Anna being Anna, but then on Halloween … well, you know the rest.
MH: And Harrie?
Kat: [Crying] She and Elise were best friends with my son, Ben. I’m sorry. This has all been such a shock.
[Phone ringing]
Kat: Would you mind pausing that, please? I need to take this. You’re better off speaking to Gina Walker. She’s the one who knows everything that goes on in this village.
CHAPTER 12
Harrie
The noise of the school hall pounds into Harrie’s head; every scrape of knives and forks on the plates screeches in her ears. For a moment she wishes she could fast-forward
the lunch break and the afternoon history lesson. As if she cares about Ancient Greece right now. But fast-forward to when? Her body tenses. It doesn’t matter if she’s at school or at home, awake or asleep, there’s nothing she can do to stop her mind replaying what happened.
Harrie looks down at her lunch bag and the uneaten food. Her stomach rumbles, but the tiny bites she tried to eat have left her feeling sick. How can she swallow it when there’s a constant lump in her throat? She zips up her lunch bag and stands up to leave with the others.
Across the hall, Elise catches her eye and raises her eyebrows in a silent ‘you OK?’ question which Harrie pretends not to see.
Rufus weaves his way through the group until he’s beside her. He scoops a wave of brown hair behind his ear and nudges her side as they leave the lunch hall. She jumps at his touch, feeling instantly stupid. Rufus is loads shorter than Harrie and definitely not someone to be scared of, but fear lingers like the images of last night. ‘Do you wanna go in goal today?’ he asks.
She nods. Not because she wants to or even because she wants to play football, but because nodding is the easiest thing. At least in goal she can be alone.
Miss Holloway appears in the classroom as they reach the coat pegs. ‘Are you feeling all right, Harrie?’ she asks, lines appearing on her forehead. ‘You’re awfully quiet today.’
Harrie nods again, too scared to open her mouth now. Too scared of the words that might fly out, the truth, the confession that is swirling in her head. Images of the man’s body crash through her thoughts.
Laughter breaks out from the boys around her. Tyler jumps out of the line forming by the door. He throws his body one way and another, singing a stupid song.
‘Found this on TikTok,’ he laughs as Ben joins in, the two of them pushing against the line.
A second later, Tyler is next to Harrie. He crosses his legs back and forth, flossing at the same time, before losing his balance and barging into Harrie. She stumbles back, unable to right herself. The feeling of helplessness drags her back to that room and with it comes the terror – an all-consuming tidal wave of fear.
No, no, no. Let me go.
Her body reacts before she can stop it. Her hands reach out, shoving Tyler with such force that he flies across the room, his back hitting the side of a table.
He yells in pain but Harrie doesn’t hear it.
‘Harrie,’ Miss Holloway cries out.
Harrie ignores that too and without waiting for permission, she runs to the door. With every step she waits for the hand to grab her, the hot breath on her face.
The day is bright and grey, the air cool on her flaming cheeks. A sob catches in her throat as she races across the playing field, only stopping when she reaches the fence and Elise and Rufus catch up with her. Their faces are a mix of admiration and worry.
‘He totally deserved it,’ Rufus says first.
‘Yeah.’ Elise is staring into Harrie’s eyes in a way that makes Harrie want to tell her everything.
CHAPTER 13
Anna
The day drags – a void of emptiness. I leave to collect the girls from school early, desperate to escape the house and myself. The day is mild but the wind, whipping at the autumn leaves, is biting.
I walk slowly, but I’m still the first one in the playground, which is where Harrie and Elise’s teacher, Miss Holloway, finds me.
‘Mrs James, may I have a word?’ she says, hurrying over to me.
‘Of course, and please call me Anna.’
She nods but I know she never will. ‘It’s about Harrie. She’s not been herself today.’
‘Oh.’
‘We had …’ She pauses as though searching for the right word. ‘An incident at lunch. Harrie became quite upset when waiting to go outside and she pushed another child over and ran away without apologizing. Obviously I feel as though I know Harrie very well and that’s not the kind of behaviour I’ve ever seen from her before.’
‘No. Definitely not. She’s the peacekeeper at home, always stopping Elise and Molly from bickering.’
‘That sounds more like Harrie. She was incredibly quiet throughout the day. As you know, it’s normally an effort to get her to stop talking in class, but today was the opposite. To be honest, Mrs James, it was like she was a different child.’
I nod, hugging my arms to my body. Hearing Miss Holloway echo my own fears from this morning feels like a gut punch. I should never have let her go to school. ‘I’ll speak to Harrie tonight and see if I can get to the bottom of it.’
‘Thank you. While I’m not condoning the pushing, right now my main concern is for Harrie as it’s so out of character for her.’
‘I’ll speak to her,’ I say again.
Miss Holloway nods before striding back to the classroom.
A moment later, the playground fills up with parents and the children pour out. I scan the groups, searching only for Harrie. When our eyes lock, it’s an effort not to shout out, to rush over and pull her into my arms. Her face is hauntingly sad and I wonder again if something happened last night. Whatever the answer, I’m going to find out, and I’m going to find out now.
I wait until we’re out of the gates and walking home before trying to talk to Harrie.
‘I just spoke to Miss Holloway,’ I say, keeping my tone conversational. ‘She said you pushed another kid today.’
Silence.
‘Harrie?’
She shrugs.
‘Mum, where’s Molly?’ Elise asks from the other side of me.
‘Cookery club,’ I reply, my gaze still on Harrie.
‘What’s for tea?’
‘Not now, Elise. I need to chat to Harrie for a moment.’
‘It wasn’t Harrie’s fault,’ Elise huffs. ‘Tyler was acting like an idiot. He was pushing everyone in the line. Harrie pushed him back, that’s all. He fell over and made a massive fuss about it, but we all knew he deserved it.’
‘Just because someone deserves something doesn’t mean you do it. You should have told one of the teachers if he was pushing.’
Elise looks at me like I’ve just suggested she shaves off all her hair. ‘We’re not in Reception any more, Mum. Teachers don’t want us telling on each other. Tyler was acting like a baby.’
‘I get that, but I really want to hear it from Harrie. Harrie? Miss Holloway is worried about you and so am I. I wish you would talk to me. Are you sure nothing happened last night to upset you?’
Harrie mumbles something I don’t catch.
‘I didn’t hear that.’
‘Anna?’ A voice calls from behind me. I groan inwardly and ignore it.
Elise tugs my arm. ‘Tyler’s mum is calling you.’
I glance around and spot Sandra striding towards us. She has five-year-old Imogen on her hip and Tyler lagging behind. With a sinking dread, I lift my hand in a wave and mouth ‘Just a sec,’ before turning back to Harrie.
‘What did you say?’ I touch her arm, desperate for an answer.
Harrie glares at me, eyes stony. ‘I said, why can’t you leave me alone.’ And then she’s gone, sprinting down the road, almost colliding with a toddler on a scooter.
‘Harrie?’ I yell her name at the top of my voice, but she doesn’t stop. A dozen eyes look my way.
‘I’ll go after her,’ Elise says, already jogging ahead. I’m about to run too. All I want to do is take Harrie in my arms and hold her tight, beg her to tell me what’s going on inside her head. But then Sandra is by my side, her auburn hair shimmering like she’s just walked out of a salon.
‘Anna,’ she says.
‘Hi Sandra, before you say anything, I’m going to speak to Harrie tonight and make sure she apologizes to Tyler.’
I wait for Sandra’s wrath, but instead she waves her hand in the air. ‘Don’t worry about it. Sounds like they were only messing around. I actually only wanted to ask if anyone on your street has a CCTV camera?’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘That’s what I tho
ught. I just wondered because with Rob away, I thought you might have the extra security. More and more people have cameras these days. The Neighbourhood Watch are asking for anyone with footage of last Saturday. Jack’s hoping to spot the vandals walking around the village.’
‘That’s good.’ I look down the road, wishing Elise and Harrie had waited for me. ‘I’d better—’
‘Can you do anything with these cooking apples?’ she asks, thrusting a carrier bag at me. ‘Our tree has been crazy this year and I don’t think my family can cope with another apple pie this week.’ Her laugh is tinkling.
‘Thank you,’ I say, taking the bag and already moving away. ‘Anyway, I’d better catch up with the twins or we’ll be turning straight back around to collect Molly. Thanks so much for the apples.’
‘Any time. Oh, and Anna?’
‘Yes?’
‘I’m hosting a Scented Life party for my candles next month. They make such lovely stocking fillers. You will come this year, won’t you?’
‘Thanks. I’d love to.’ My stomach tenses as I rifle through a dozen excuses and try to remember which one I gave for the last party I missed. A migraine? A tummy bug?
I hurry away, only slowing when I reach the end of the alley that leads on to Middle Road and see the top of our house and the girls on the street. It’s another few steps before I notice the silver car pulled up beside them. The passenger window is down and the driver is leaning across the seat.
Harrie is holding on to Elise and they’re both stepping away from the car. My heart thuds in my chest. What is the driver saying to my girls?
I start to run, flat out sprint, and at the same time June’s front door opens and she’s shouting something. Before I can get another step closer, get a better look at the driver, the car pulls away and disappears on to the main road.
By the time I reach the house, I can see Elise is crying and Harrie is still clinging to her.
‘What happened? Who was that?’ I gasp for breath.