My cell phone jingled again however. No caller ID. I answered, figuring it might be a robo-call, but just in case it was something important.
“Is this Ruth Thanatos?” a man asked.
Now that almost set me into a death spiral. I guess technically, that IS who I am, since Dr. Thanatos was indeed my father, oh horror upon horror. However, I rebelled instantly against that reality.
“No, it is Ruth Vita.”
Pause. “This is the number that is given of next of kin of Mortimer Thanatos.”
Mortimer?
“Dr. Thanatos?” I asked.
Rustling of papers. “Yes. Dr. Mortimer Thanatos. You are listed as his only child.”
“I guess that might be me then,” I said, reluctantly. “Is something wrong?” I perhaps said that a little too hopefully. It had been months since I had last seen him. I assumed his memory had returned fully and having retired as an abortionist he was now growing weeds and rocking on his porch.
“Nothing is wrong. He has set up a college fund for you with our bank and we will need some information to finalize details.”
“A college fund? For me?”
“He has designated the terms by which you may withdraw the money. This is Marcus Zeller, the attorney with the bank. I just need you to come in and sign a few documents to complete the transaction.”
“How much is in this college fund?” I asked.
“I am not at liberty to disclose that,” Mr. Zeller said. “Under the terms of the agreement, you would submit any college financial invoices to me, the attorney that will be handling all transactions. We will pay the college directly. This will include books and supplies, so of course we will need itemized receipts.”
“What’s the catch?” I asked. Bo was watching me, her nose twitching. I wonder if she smelled a bribe.
“Catch?” Mr. Zeller asked.
“Yeah, like do I have to promise to come visit once a week or something?”
More papers being shuffled. “From what I see, the only obligation on your part is to enroll within a year of this offer to a college of your choosing…and of course look over and sign the documents.”
College. I had never really considered college. It was way out of my grasp. The only time it entered my mind was when Dr. Harried, the crazy veterinarian I worked for, told me she thought I had a future as a vet. I knew I would never have the money to afford eight years of school, let alone the determination or intelligence.
“We can set up an appointment this coming week if you like for you to drop by the bank and look over the documents with me.”
“No strings attached? I don’t have to have any contact with Dr. Thanatos?” I would not say “my father” no matter how many tens of thousands he plopped in my lap.
Mr. Zeller waited a beat before answering. I guess I didn’t sound like Miss Gratitude but if he had walked in my shoes, he would know why. “No requirements other than what I just stipulated.”
I decided the least I could do was look over the deal. Maybe talk it over with Timothy, and Dr. Harried. To just kick an impossible offer like that out the door without at least reading the fine print was probably stupid. We settled on 1:00 Tuesday. Tuesdays were usually the slowest day at work and Dr. Harried was great about letting me slip out early if I needed to do business that had to happen before the end of the work day. As soon as I made the appointment, I called Timothy.
I recounted the discussion with Mr. Zeller and asked him if he could think of any reason I should not at least go look at the offer.
Timothy did not answer immediately. The pause was enough to tell me there was something I was not considering.
“I just wonder if you would feel obligated to him if you agreed to this.”
I pondered that. “Maybe a normal person would. I figure he owes me whatever I can get from him. Think of it…he murdered my half sibling.”
“That’s true,” Timothy said, “But he fought for your life.”
I still could not wrap my head around that fact. He is the one that convinced my own mother I was worth letting live.
“Also,” Timothy said, “Do you want to go to college?”
“I don’t know. It was never remotely possible before. I wouldn’t mind doing what Dr. Harried does. Does your college have a vet program?”
“Oh, I am sure it does. I think that’s where Dr. Harried went. I saw her diploma on the wall of the reception area”
“I’m not sure I am college material…or if I can do whatever I need to do in the year I have to enroll.”
“You’ll have to take the SATs. That’s the college entrance exam most often required. Unless you took them when you graduated from high school …”
“I might have. Pretty sure that is the one I took. I know my teachers told me that despite my attempts to prove otherwise, I was pretty smart and could have gotten in to some colleges….not Harvard…but the dinky places around here would have me.”
“I can help you find your scores and how to order them. Want me to swing by?”
This was a little scary. What if it turned out that I was not smart enough to get into the dinky college nearby? What if it was just a fantasy that I was smart, and the teachers told me that to build my lousy self-confidence? Which hadn’t worked by the way. No one who thinks they are worth the dust they are made of would have followed the life path I followed.
However, like Talia always told the moms she called out to from the sidewalk, I needed to try stepping out in faith instead of fear. So I said that would be great.
Then I spent the next half hour waiting for him while hyperventilating. What if I was stupid and my SAT scores proved it? Would Timothy decide I was no longer worth dating? I paced back and forth trying to remember if I had even looked at any scores at some point in my life. I could not remember. Normally, I am sure a parent would have ripped open an envelope containing proof of their precious child’s scholastic potential, but remember, one parent was off dismembering little fetuses and the other was dead. Uncle Billy was in jail by then, and whichever one of the unlucky foster parents were in charge when I graduated probably didn’t need or want any proof that I was not the hopeless reprobate they knew me to be.
When Timothy arrived, I would have to say I was a mess. He saw instantly that I was crumbling and gathered my pieces into his arms.
“It is just a score,”he said. “If it isn’t great, you can retake the tests. Or continue in a job you love, marrying a man you love, with a talking dog you love.”
That was a lot of throwing around a word that I could not recall him every using. Love. And Marriage. It had the intended effect. I sucked up my despair and dropped out of his arms. Flipping open my laptop, I heaved a big sigh.
“Ok, what’s the website?”
It actually took a few calls to finally find my information and get around a four-year-old password, long forgotten. Just one click away from looking at what I had achieved as the misbegotten, almost aborted child of a despised doctor and flawed mother. I could not click the little arrow to “view scores.”
“You do it,” I said, turning my computer to Timothy.
He smiled as I pressed both hands across my eyes, and pushed the laptop onto his thighs. I heard the click of his fingernail against the keypad. Then I heard a gasp.
That was not from him. That was from Bo, who was snuggled next to me, craning to see the screen.
“Wowowowo.”
“Is it bad?” I asked.
“Well you know how you told me you didn’t think you were likely to get into Harvard? Maybe not, but I bet you would be wait-listed.”
I peeked open one eye through spread fingers. 1400. 700 on math, 700 in Evidence Based Reading/writing, and 8 Essay.
“Is that good?” I asked.
“It’s better than my SAT scores,” he said. “Why did no one tell you you should have applied to college?”
“They probably couldn’t find me,” I said. “The day I turned 18, I left. Don’t ask me to giv
e details about why the last foster home was happy to see me pack my bags. I came here, applied at the Women’s Center, and the rest is history.”
“Well, Miss Smarty Pants, you should have no problem getting into Mirror Lake University.”
Chapter Four
Timothy and I celebrated with an entire bag of pita chips with salsa. As soon as he left, I decided to call Talia. Now that I knew I was actually not stupid, or at least hadn’t been four years ago, I wanted to see what she thought about me going to college. After Timothy, she was the closest thing I had to a friend.
She answered but I could barely hear her because the puppies, Flim and Flam, were yipping so incessantly. Though Bo was their mother, they didn’t speak. Their sounds were all typical dog sounds.
“Hello?”she shrieked.
I knew I would be unable to talk over the pups. I yelled into the phone that Bo would love a visit from the puppies if she wanted to drop by. She must have heard me because she said that sounded great and hung up. Fifteen minutes later, the pups were yelping at my door.
Bo was overcome with joy. We let the three wild dogs out in the backyard and closed the door on their exuberant chatter. Talia sank onto the couch.
“I love those two, I do, but sometimes the decibel level is overwhelming. Did your dog class talk about training dogs not to bark?”
“A little bit. There was one dog who would not shut up. She said to tell the dog to bark, which it did all the time. As soon as it was quiet, which was almost never, the owner was to say, ‘Quiet,’ and then give it a treat. In theory if the owner did that often enough, the dog would figure out that quiet meant stop barking and he would be rewarded.”
“It’s worth a try,” she said. “Counterintuitive …so often the way God works. I like it.”
“So I have some news.”
“Ok. Great! So do I. You go first.”
“Well, Dr. Thanatos wants to open a college fund for me. The bank attorney called and I am going Tuesday to look over the contract.”
“Oh my,” Talia said. “What will he expect of you in return?”
“Nothing. Just that I go to college within a year of signing the documents. All college costs will be paid by him.”
Talia nodded, but with a pained look on her face. Something was obviously bothering her. Since she didn’t divulge what the concern was, I forged ahead.
“So Timothy helped me to look up my SAT scores from years ago when I graduated from high school. I was nervous about that but it turns out I am smarter than you would think.”
Here Talia laughed. “I always thought you were smart. So you found out your scores were good?”
“Yes. Timothy says they are great and that I won’t have any trouble getting into Mirror Lake University.”
“Well it sounds like you are excited about this.”
“I am scared, to tell you the truth. I’ll be older than the other students for one thing. For another, the only thing I think I would be interested in studying is to become a vet.”
“Well that’s a worthy goal.”
“Yes, but eight years of school. Also…I really would rather not have anything to do with Dr. Thanatos. I don’t know if I want him involved in my life at all.”
“Will the paperwork specify that?”
“I don’t know. I guess I will find out Tuesday.”
“Do you have any other…concerns?”she asked. I could tell not only by the expression on her face but by the way she asked that she did, even if I didn’t.
“None that I can think of yet,” I said. Then after a brief hesitation asked, “Why? Do you?”
She nodded slowly. “I am not sure it is my place at all to bring this up. However I thought of it as soon as you mentioned this offer. How did Dr. Thanatos come by this money?”
“Well I assume he saved it. As far as I know he has no family to spend it on…except me…and I know he earned a fortune doing…” I trailed off. Oh. Why had that not occurred to me? Blood money. My college fund was blood money.
“I am not necessarily saying it would be wrong to use that money,” Talia said. “But I suppose it is worth praying and thinking about.”
All the excitement drained out of me. How many babies had died to fund my eight years of college?
“Let’s talk it out,” Talia said. “His savings were clearly gained by the abortions of thousands of babies over the span of his career. I think it is very easy to see the money is tainted. However, the use of the money to fund you entering a career saving animal’s lives is a worthwhile cause. It may be his attempt to offer some sort of retribution for what he had done.”
“Maybe it would be better used then to open a home for mothers like Lakisha who are pregnant and about to be kicked out of the boyfriend’s place.”
“Well that is a very thoughtful idea of yours, and sorely needed. However, that is not what he offered. He offered a chance for you to go to college. He probably feels a good bit of guilt that you had such a deprived life while he lived in luxury from his abortion practice.”
“I don’t want to help him get over that guilt. He deserves to feel guilty,” I said.
“I agree. But vengeance is the Lords, not ours. One of the hardest messages of the Bible is learning to forgive when we have been truly harmed by others,” Talia said. “However it is of supreme importance. Depending on the translation you use, forgive is mentioned at least sixty times in the New Testament. God doesn’t have to remind us to do easy things sixty times. However, there is a very important verse about forgiveness that may help you with your father.”
I cringed. I hated to hear him referred to as my father despite the fact that it was true. Talia noticed and touched my shoulder. “I know that hurts to think of him as your father. I suspect it is part of what makes trusting your Heavenly Father so difficult.”
That may be true, except I didn’t trust my Heavenly Father long before I knew who my earthly father was. I let that fact slide for now.
“Do you know what Jesus said on the cross as He was being tortured and suffering so horrifically at the hands of the Roman soldiers?”
“No.”
“He said ‘forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do’.”
“Well Dr. Thanatos knew what he was doing.”
“Yes, but that is actually not the part I was going to focus on. Jesus didn’t say, ‘I forgive them’…He asked His Father God to forgive them.”
“Hmmm. Why?”
“Well, I am not sure I can answer fully. I have some thoughts. First, He had not yet died. Thus their sins were not yet atoned for. His blood could not yet cover their sins. Forgiveness could only come from God Himself. Maybe. I would have to think that through more. But what immediately struck me is that sometimes forgiving others who have actively caused unbearable harm to us is humanly impossible.
“ However, we can pray for them and pray for divine ability to forgive. Sometimes, at least for me, that is the best I can do. In fact, Jesus tells us to ‘pray for our enemies’, and He demonstrated that very teaching on the cross when he prayed for his tormentors. What I find is when I pray for someone, even someone I despise, it becomes difficult to continue to despise them.”
I actually had prayed for Dr. Thanatos. I had prayed that he would be strapped to pegs as the tide was coming in and stretched out on the beach where the sand crabs would eat him alive. I didn’t need to ask Talia if that was the kind of prayer she meant.
“Jesus sounds like he was a pretty good guy,” I said instead of voicing my heartfelt prayer for Dr. Thanatos.
“He is the best,” Talia agreed.
“So what do you think I should do about the college fund?” I asked.
“I think you should pray about it. It is a lot of money and a generous offer. It will provide a future for you that your father should have provided all along.”
“But it’s money from abortions.”
“Yes.”
“So you said you had news, too.” I knew I would nee
d time to mull over all we had discussed. And I would see the lawyer Tuesday. That might bring clarity when I read the actual terms of this agreement. I did not trust Dr. Thanatos at all. I would not be surprised to find some hidden, nefarious agenda in that document.
“Yes, my news is easier than yours. Lakisha called. She said that now that she has made the decision to try to reverse the abortion, she has been able to pray again. She told me, like so many women have, that when she decided to abort, she was unable to pray. She felt that God had abandoned her. Like I often tell the women it is really the other way around. God has not abandoned them, though He will leave us over to our sin. But when we rebel against Him, we have abandoned God.”
Leashed to Faith Page 3