“He was all alone in trying to do what God wanted Him to do and to say. He suffered pretty bad stuff because of it. He was like a bullfrog in a pond of alligators!”
“Did he decide God wasn’t worth it?”
“No. That was the amazing part. He kept following God and preaching to the alligators who kept attacking him. He never saw anyone pay attention or change their lives either. I am a little confused about what kept him going,” I said.
“Mom said that God told her it was better to suffer for doing right than for doing wrong.”
“Maybe,” I said, “But how about not suffering at all? Wouldn’t that be best?”
“It would in my book,” Lakisha agreed.
But not in God’s book. Not even a little. That book is one tale of suffering after another. From beginning to end.
“But Mom also told me that if she had to suffer, she was glad she had God right beside her. And she said if anyone knew about suffering it was Him.”
Talia had mentioned that. She said that the greatest moment of suffering in the entire Bible was Jesus being crucified for our sins. And God, His father, had to watch. Talia said there is nothing more horrible than watching the death of one’s beloved child. As I remembered that discussion with Talia, I thought of the irony of the image of God’s grief over His only son being skewered on a cross while women were flocking in droves and paying to destroy their children at the abortion center, children God presumably created.
“So that man that came with you when Dee and I met you at the café…is that a boyfriend?”
I was glad we were moving out of the discussion of the inevitability of suffering. It was depressing me. Not that I was really ready to define who Timothy was to me. He was a boyfriend I guess…but he had also asked me to marry him. Since I hadn’t yet answered him, he was a potential fiancée. Or if the answer was no, then he was not likely to hang around as a boyfriend. So he was a potential ex-boyfriend, based on my answer.
“It’s complicated,” I said.
“He seems nice,” Lakisha said.
“He is super nice.”
“And he looks at you like you are made of diamonds. Worth the world to him.”
He does?
Lakisha cupped her chin in her hand, tilting her head. “So who is holding out? You or him?”
“Holding out?”
“It looks to me like if he isn’t a boyfriend, he wants to be. Does he have some hidden deformity?”
I laughed and shook my head. “Not that I know of. Mostly, I am not sure if I am cut out for marriage. I haven’t seen too much evidence that most marriages work out.”
“Marriage? So he is more than a boyfriend.”
“He wants to be,” I admitted.
“What’s keeping you from wanting him to be?”
I shrugged. “I’m not sure. I guess I am afraid I will disappoint him. I won’t measure up. I never really have had much success in the past. I would hate to mess up his life.”
“Would he jump for joy if you say no to his proposal?”
“No…I think he would be sad.”
“But that wouldn’t be messing up his life?”
“Not as much as I could if I put my mind to it.”
“Girl, you are a hot mess. Do you love him?”
“I think so.”
“And he’s good to you. Does he have a good job?”
“He will…he graduates in a couple of months from architect school.”
“If you tell him no, can you point him my way?”she asked with a wink.
This discussion might never have ended except Bo stood up, hackles raised, and growled. We all followed her gaze to the man approaching our table.
Dr. Thanatos.
“I know him,” whispered Lakisha. “He was the doctor who aborted my first baby.”
Dr. Thanatos didn’t seem to recognize her however. He stopped a few feet from our table since Bo was making it very clear she had his ankles in her laser scope. I didn’t try to silence the low growl that rumbled out of her, a continual monotone rumbling of warning.
“Hello Ruth,” he said. “What a nice surprise to run into you. How is the college search going?”
“Fine,” I said. Instead of trying to carry on a farce of conversation, I stood up. “Thanks for meeting me,” I said turning to Lakisha. “ I have to run now. Stay in touch.”
I know it was maybe rude to run out on Lakisha that way, but we had already finished our coffee. I sure didn’t want to have to explain my relationship to Dr. Thanatos. I jerked Bo’s leash and just about sprinted out of there, leaving Lakisha in wide-eyed wonder.
Chapter Twelve
It’s possible he was stalking me, but it is also conceivable he was just out walking. He did not live far from the outdoor café where we had been sitting. Still. I was creeped out and jumpy the rest of the day. Had I signed him back into my life by agreeing to the college contract?
Maybe some of the jumpiness came from the discussion about Timothy. Really what Lakisha said made sense. I didn’t seem to have any good reason not to be marrying him and a thousand why I should. What was holding me back?
I didn’t sleep well that night which ended up being doubly unfortunate since the moment I walked into Dr. Harried’s office, so did a man carrying a little goat in crisis. I had to get my sleepy head in gear pronto. The goat looked like it was dead, except every so often I could see its side expand like it was taking a breath.
“Is it alive?” I asked, anxiously watching the still chest.
“This is a fainting goat,” the man said.
“How long ago did it faint?” I asked, pulling off my coat and setting it on the back of the receptionist chair.
“I don’t think it fainted. I think it is in a coma.”
Fortunately, Dr. Harried had also just arrived and heard our discussion. She came hurrying out and said, “Oh dear Tom, what happened?”
She hustled him into the back before I could hear details. Brendan later informed me that Fainting Goats are a breed. I had never heard of them. The fainting spells are actually seizures, caused by panic, and are a congenital disorder. Most spells only last a few seconds, and the goat never truly loses consciousness. This goat had not fainted. He was in bad shape. Dr. Harried thought he might have eaten some toxic pesticide, based on her exam and X-rays. She didn’t normally deal with livestock. There was a farm vet who traveled to area farms but that vet had apparently eaten something toxic himself and was unable to care for Moxie, the fainting goat.
While Dr. Harried was examining Moxie, another crisis hobbled through the front door. This was another strange case. It sure looked like a wolf and it’s paw was clearly mangled. As the owner and huge creature approached, I swallowed the words “what big teeth you have, Grandma…” and asked if they had an appointment.
“We do not. Big Bad here apparently stepped in a trap. I managed to get it off of him but his paw is in bad shape.”
“Big Bad…is he a ….?”
“Yes, he is a wolf hybrid. But he is not at all dangerous.”
Big Bad’s slitty eyes nailed me to my chair. Otherwise I would have run. Seriously. Then he growled. In doing so, he showed me some pretty impressive canine teeth. If this was a NOT AT ALL dangerous animal, then Webster was going to have to change a few definitions.
Fortunately, Brendan came right out and ushered Big Bad and his owner into the back. They were also shown out the back door when the paw was taken care of. I never saw them again anyway. I kept half an ear open for any huffs and puffs blowing down the office as I checked in other clients. Dr. Harris who was there less and less these days showed up. He usually appeared when there were a lot of emergencies. He was cutting hours but available on days like this when Dr. Harried was busy with walk-in cases that took a lot of time. I learned the goat had fainted for its last time and didn’t make it. Big Bad Wolf was stitched, bandaged, loaded up with antibiotics and shuffled out the rear exit.
I had a lot to tell Bo when I a
rrived home. I felt bad for the goat and so did she. She sniffed me a lot. Although I had not touched the goat or the wolf, I guess some of their molecules had drifted on to me because Bo was very interested in sniffing my hands and arms.
Talia called to ask if her pups could come visit their mama Bo. I was happy for her company. She as usual said she would only stay half an hour so she wouldn’t cut into my dinner time and rest after my long work day.
When she arrived, I told her right away about the goat and the wolf.
“That’s interesting,” she said. “The Bible talks about a goat and wolf.”
“It does?”
“Yes. In Isaiah 6. It says: The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.”
“Why? Why are all those enemies lying around with each other?”
“It is a picture of the kingdom of God when all is made right and restored as God intended it to be. It is a symbol of the peace that will cover the entire kingdom, and the natural enemies on earth will exist in harmony and peace together.”
“Well that was sure not the case of the wolf and me today. He growled at me.”
“We are not in the heavenly kingdom yet,” she said.
“When will we be?”
“No one knows the exact hour, but Christ must first return, rapture or draw His believers, dead and alive, to meet Him in the air, and then after a period of intense tribulation, Satan and all those who rebel against God will be vanquished to Hell, and the new heaven and new earth will be the dwelling place for all believers with God for all eternity.”
I was speechless. The things one had to believe in order to follow Jesus were not easy to swallow. I am just being honest.
“The book of Revelation, the last book in the Bible, talks about those end times. It is a difficult book to understand, but it is about the final Revelation of Christ. When you read it with the perspective that it is all about how Christ returns to redeem those who have put their faith and trust in Him, it is a remarkable and hopeful book.”
“About the destruction of the world and Hell?”
“Well that part is sad, but if God is a God of justice, this world of sin and rebellion from Him must be called to account.”
“He could just forgive and forget…” I said.
“He could. But then think of those who have deeply wronged you, remaining in their evil mindset and evil ways. Do you want to spend eternity with people like that? No redemption, no change of heart, but just as evil as they were when they wronged you? Would it be fair for God to allow them to continue to destroy and torment in Heaven, which is called our final reward?”
Well, when she put it that way, admittedly it didn’t sound like a very good reward.
“Instead, picture heaven as Isaiah 11:6 describes it. All enemies reconciled. Peace reigns. Dangers no longer exist because sin and death have been overcome. All who are there are there because they have submitted their lives and hearts to the ‘Prince of Peace.’ They have repented and turned from their evil ways. And all who are not there are not there because they have rebelled and rejected the Prince of Peace.”
I pondered this. Who would I not want in heaven with me? My first thought is what tumbled out of my mouth.
“Dr. Thanatos won’t be there, will he?”
“I don’t know,” Talia said. “God alone knows who has submitted their lives to Him and who has not. But the Bible is clear that none come to the Father, except through Jesus.”
“But do ALL have the chance to come to Him?”
“Jesus says ‘ALL who are weary and heavy laden, come to me and I will give you rest for your soul’. The offer is extended to all, but not all will respond. We know there are those who will choose their own way over God’s and He allows them to follow that path of destruction.”
“Why?” I asked. “Why does He allow that when so many people in their path are destroyed with them?”
Here, in case you miss the obvious, I was thinking of Dr. Thanatos as well as Uncle Billy, and all the evil men in my life who had made my childhood a place of torment. God could have stopped all of them, made them follow Him instead, and saved me from an ocean of misery.
“I know that question is a hard one,” Talia said. “You have asked it before so I know the answer is difficult to accept or understand. God gives us free will, knowing the horror that will unleash on His perfect creation. He wants us to choose Him, and there is no choice if the choice to rebel against Him is not available.”
“But He knows we will choose to rebel! And then He punishes that choice! And then He gives us the only sensible choice which is follow Him now or go to a place where worms will eat your eyes out for all eternity. That doesn’t sound like free will. It sounds like coercion.”
There. I said it. I figured if I had thought it and God was who Talia says He was, then He knew I was thinking it anyway. There was no hiding from an omniscient being.
“If it is coercion, then why do so many reject Him?”
Now that was not a bad question. I didn’t know the answer.
“I think your questions are good one,” Talia continued. “I hope you continue to wrestle with all those thoughts. Some things we are told we will not be able to comprehend now. They will become clear when we see Christ face to face. But much of what you are struggling with are things the Bible does answer. God does reveal enough to allow you to make an informed, discerning choice. The more you know of Him, and His word, and His promises over the History of His people, the more you will see that He is faithful. A wise pastor told me if you are questioning God’s promises to you in the future, look back at His faithfulness in keeping His promises in your past.”
“That might work for some people,” I said, “But my past is not a shining example of God’s goodness towards me.”
“You have not had an easy life, I agree,” Talia said. “I would challenge you to think about what you had that showed you God was there even in the midst of your struggles.”
“I have,” I said. “I’ll be honest Talia. There are times when I just didn’t see His presence at all.”
“I understand,” Talia said. She looked at me with gentle love and compassion. I knew she really did understand. “The day you ran from the abortion center. As I recall, you told me you were suicidal. You had given up all hope.”
I thought back to that day, to those first moments as the weight of what I had done for years crushed me. I did want to die.
“Do you still want to end your life? Do you still feel that despair?”she asked.
She knew the answer. Of course not. My whole life had changed.
“What happened to you that day?”
I glanced out the window at the pups tugging on Bo’s ears and tail. She was a remarkable mother, never losing her temper with them. She batted at them and then took off along the perimeter of the fence with the two pups in hot pursuit. I smiled at her joyful antics with her pups.
“Bo happened. Bo came at exactly the right moment.”
“Is it possible that God sent Bo?”
“I guess so. But He sure didn’t choose the smartest way to send her. She almost died herself trying to get to me across all those lanes of traffic.”
“But she didn’t. Maybe God was showing you that He can and will make a way through the most terrible of circumstances. He will send Help. He is watching.”
“He could have helped a few years sooner,” I said.
“Yes,” Talia said, nodding sadly. “His timing is one of the mysteries of life. But I will say with a few more decades of living than you, in retrospect, His timing sometimes does make more sense. Also, that day you left the abortion center, you did something that is critical to God’s forgiveness and reconciliation. You repented. You knew what you had been doing was wrong, and you turned from it. In fact, you ran from it.”
“I had coffee with Lakisha a few days ago,” I said,
switching subjects.
“Oh? How lovely! How is she doing?”
“She seems to be doing great. A lot better than I would be doing. She’s living with her sister now.”
“Yes,” Talia said. “I am glad about that. We stay in touch since I am helping a local church organize her baby shower. But she must be comfortable around you if she agreed to meet with you.”
“It was her suggestion, not mine,” I said.
“Even better! You seem to be an anchor for her in the choice for life. I am glad you are there for her.”
Leashed to Faith Page 10