“Well God was the perfect parent, and Adam and Eve still rebelled against Him,” Talia said.
“That confuses me as well.”
“Me too. One would have to wonder how it could be possible to be raised by God Himself, see Him face to face, and still turn from Him!”
“It doesn’t seem possible,” I said.
“When you are a mother, maybe it will seem more possible. You raise your little baby and love that little one as completely as you can love anything…and yet…it takes so little for them to decide your desires and direction matter not at all, and what starts as the word ‘no’ can become dangerous rebellion in later years.”
She spoke as though it were personal.
“Talia…did you ever have children?”
LONG silence.
“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” I said.
She sighed, a long sad sigh. “I should have shared my full story with you long ago,” she said. “Honestly, after all these years, it is still painful. I prefer not to think of it. But anything that remains hidden gains power over you. So it is all right. It is time you heard it.”
I wished I had not asked. In the midst of all my troubles and sorrows over Timothy, I didn’t feel like my emotional gas tank could take another half gallon of grief. However, once the genie is out of the bottle, it is hard to squish it back in. I leaned into my cushion and curled my feet beneath me as Talia began her story.
“I was young, unmarried, and going to college. You knew about my abortion after my affair with a married man. I thought I had come to faith after that one. I never told you the full story. I guess that even now, the sorrow over who I was is overwhelming.
“I met a young man, a brilliant fellow student studying physics. He was handsome, which was not a negative of course, but I was swept off my feet by his brilliance. Well, as you can probably guess, one thing led to another, and I found myself pregnant. I knew it was wrong to be involved intimately with him. Remember after that first abortion, I took a leap of faith and thought I was following God. I rationalized what I was doing, pretending because I was in love and it was surely leading to marriage, it was okay.
“When I found out I was pregnant,I considered abortion, which was newly legalized by then. I even got so far as to drive to the abortion center parking lot. I sat in the lot, crying my eyes out. See the young man had plans, a whole life ahead of him. He was accepted to Harvard for grad school. He had absolutely no interest in a baby.
“He was generous in filling an envelope with money. There was enough to cover the abortion and then any immediate needs following it. That was the last time I ever saw him, when he handed me the envelope. That was when the weight of my self-deception came crashing down on me.
“So I sat in the parking lot, and I saw someone on the sidewalk. She was on her knees, facing the building, obviously in prayer. Despite my clear rebellion from the God I claimed to know, it was God that prompted me to go and talk with her. I got out of my car and walked over to her.
“She asked me if I was there for an abortion. I told her I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I was considering abortion. She asked me why. She was so kind, and seemed like she really wanted to know. So I told her the story. She asked if I had any second thoughts about the abortion, and I told her that I did. Honestly, until she asked that, I wasn’t even aware of second thoughts. I was in no position to have a baby. But then the floodgates opened. I started crying so hard I could not breathe.
“By the time I had told her my whole story, she told me it was clear I did not want to abort my baby. But it was also clear I didn’t feel I could have my baby. She told me to go home, think about it, and to consider this as well: she would adopt my baby if I did not abort but felt I couldn’t parent.
“I did go home and think about it. And returned the next day to abort. I didn’t pray. I couldn’t pray. Every time I would start to pray, my mind would just wander back to fear. That is how I know what happens so often to the women I meet at the abortion center. I remember how I could not bear to face God, talk to God, when I was so determined to abort.
“When I went the next day, the same woman was there again. I tried to rush from my car into the clinic before she could see me, but it was no use. She saw me and tried to call out to me. I hurried into the clinic and sat in the waiting room wanting to die. I saw no way out of my struggles, no way to continue my education as an unwed mother. I could not imagine telling my parents. I thought that the sin of intimacy with the man I was not married to was enough to ban me forever from God. What was one more sin? I almost rationalized that the sin of abortion would cover the sin of fornication. So I shut my heart to all the warning bells and aborted my child.
“It was excruciating. I had not expected that, nor had the clinic staff warned me. I almost passed out with the pain. And then almost instantly the revulsion and remorse overwhelmed me. It was much later that afternoon when I came out, but do you know that woman on the sidewalk was still there?
“She called to me and asked if I wanted her to pray for me. I was certain God would not listen to any prayers from me, but I was in so much emotional pain, I would do anything to try to relieve it. She did pray, and then she shared the Gospel. I thought I knew the Gospel, but it felt like I was hearing it for the first time. She told me about Jesus who could lift the burden of shame and guilt. She told me about repentance, and how I would never earn my way to God, nor pay enough penance to overcome the horror of sin. I must repent, express and understand how deeply I had grieved God. That was the first step. But, I would never find peace, redemption, or forgiveness on my own. The penalty for my sin must be paid, or God would be a liar.”
“How?” I asked. “How would God be a liar by showing you mercy?”
“He had warned the people throughout the Bible that the penalty for sin was death. He said all our works are as filthy rags and none of us would ever be good. God alone is good. So if God did not require the penalty for sin, He would be lying when He warned that death follows our disobedience, our rebellion from Him. And God cannot lie. So this woman showed me that the penalty must be paid, and God sent Jesus, the substitute who would pay the penalty we deserved.
“In fact she told me of an Old Testament story that clearly foreshadowed what Jesus would do for us. Once a year, on the Day of Atonement, God’s people would gather for a ceremony. The priests would take two goats. One would be slaughtered in sacrifice for the sins of the people, and one, called a ‘scape goat’ would be set free, symbolizing the freedom from sin through the blood sacrifice of another. The goat that was set free symbolically carried the sins of the people away from them.
“She told me that I too could be set free, by acknowledging and repenting of my sins, and then submitting my life to Jesus, accepting the sacrifice He paid for me on my behalf. The Bible says that by His stripes, we are healed. Through His suffering, death, and then resurrection, the penalty we owed was paid by Him, and He overcame death for Himself and for us, once and for all. I told her I had done all that. She asked me if I knew the verse from Matthew 7: ‘Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven…Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’
“She told me if we claim Jesus as Lord, but we are willfully disobeying His clear commands, is He truly Lord? He Himself gives the answer. If we are not obeying Him, we are not submitting our will to His. He is not Lord of our lives and our faith is a sham.
“When she explained all that to me, I realized I needed that forgiveness, that hope. That was when I truly became born again. I was the lowest I had ever been. I had only the tiniest kernel of faith that I could really follow God, but I knew I didn’t want to live with the despair I was feeling at that moment. What she was offering was a life jacket.
“She prayed with me to ask Jesus to be Lord, and from that moment on, I began a long, slow process o
f learning to love and follow Him. Everything did not change in an instant, but I did feel hope. The Bible says we are to ‘work out our salvation with fear and trembling.’ That is exactly what happened to me. With fear of the Lord, and terrified of returning to that devastated, hopeless state, I began reading the Bible and trying to understand. God showed Himself to me a little at a time.
“Eventually, I knew He was calling me here, to the sidewalk, the very place I had killed my own child, to speak to others in the same situation. That baby, and the child from the first abortion, the children I killed, were the only children I would ever have.
“I was hesitant before to tell you my whole story. I know you are wrestling with God…and I was worried if I shared the full story of how I finally, truly, gave my life to Jesus, you might be afraid to pursue God further. I paid a very deep price for my sin. I was never to have another child. I also never had a romantic relationship again. It took a great deal of healing from all I had done, and how much I had suffered from the betrayal of the men in my life.”
“Did you blame God?” I asked.
“No. How could I? It was my own sin that had led me to all the terrible consequences. God cannot lie, and there must be consequences to sin. But strangely, that truth became the greatest comfort of all to me.”
“How?” I could not begin to see how anything about paying such awful consequences could be a source of comfort.
“If I could trust God that He will not lie, He cannot lie, and what He says is what He will do, I also can trust His promises. Like this one: So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. That is from Isaiah 41:10 . Or another favorite: Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you. That one is from the same book, one of my favorites, Isaiah 54:10 . God will strengthen, help, and love me unfailingly. God proved He does not lie so His promises are secure. I am secure in Him.”
“How do you know for sure that He holds on to you securely?” I asked.
“He tells us over and over in the Bible. Listen to this from Psalm 9:10: Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. Those who seek Him will find Him. And He will never forsake those who seek Him. NEVER.”
When I got off the phone, a thought occurred to me. I opened my Bible back to the book of Genesis, the story of Adam and Eve. I reread the passage about God warning Adam not to eat of the Tree of Good and Evil. He gave a clear consequence if Adam disobeyed. You will surely die.
Now I understood why Adam and Eve had to be banished from the Garden. God had told them if they disobeyed Him and ate of the Tree of Good and Evil, they would surely die. God cannot lie. He HAD to banish them before they ate of the Tree of Life and lived forever.
It was merciful that they be banished because they would die or God was a liar, and if God was a liar, they could not trust His promises! But, once banished, if they turned back to God and trusted Him, they would be restored to eternal life with their sins washed clean. Honestly, I felt like a Bible genius. I don’t know if I was right or wrong about that last bit, but I thought from what Talia had told me, I was right.
“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you,” I said.
Bo watched me.
“And now, it is time to listen to God’s advice,” I said. Bo turned her head, ears tilted forward as though I was offering dinner.
I remembered my thoughts that God was telling me to give Lakisha and Timothy both a chance to tell me why were they hiding. Give them the chance to repent. From all Talia had taught me, it seemed like that was the first step in healing.
I dialed Lakisha’s phone number. Again right to voice mail. This time, I left a message: “Hi Lakisha. It’s Ruth. I don’t know why you are not answering your phone, but I think it might be because you decided to abort your baby. I hope I am wrong. But if I am right, call me anyway. I want to talk to you.”
I hung up, feeling like I had run a marathon.
Next, I called Mr. Zeller. I know that Timothy was supposed to be next on my list, but I needed a few more minutes to gather my courage. It was likely Mr. Zeller would not answer. I knew the bank was closed. When there was a beep to leave a message, I gulped a huge helping of oxygen, and took the plunge. I would give him the opportunity to tell me what he was hiding too.
“Hi Mr. Zeller. This is Ruth Vita. I saw a folder on your desk today. The last will and testament of my grandmother. Until that moment, I didn’t even know I had a grandmother. I didn’t get a chance to read it, but I am sure my father is hiding it from me. I want to know why and if it has anything to do with the papers I signed for my college agreement? If so, I need to have that disclosed. I will be around tomorrow so please call me.”
Whew. Just ran two marathons.
Now for the final call. The call I most dreaded.
Those who know your name, trust in you, for you Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.
Did I know His name? Did I trust in Him? Was I seeking Him?
I remembered Talia’s story. She had said she had only the tiniest kernel of faith that she could submit her life to Him, but she was tired of living in a world of hopeless despair. She needed hope and Jesus seemed to offer that.
Me too. I was tired of struggling in limbo regarding God. When I was the one in control of my life, I had done a very terrible job. Maybe it really was time to give it all over to Him. I didn’t have more than a kernel of faith myself, but Talia said that was how it all started with her, and she was the most God-filled person I knew.
Maybe it was procrastination—avoiding the call to Timothy. Maybe it was faith. I am not sure I know which. But with Bo nestled on my lap, I bowed my head and told God I was ready.
“Dear Lord. Jesus to be specific. I am officially seeking you. I am calling on your name. I am trusting you…at least a little. I trust you more right now than I trust me, and that has got to count for something. I am tired of feeling like I am always messing up and never good enough. I am…tired. I am tired of wondering why I fail and why I don’t seem worthy of love. I don’t really know who you are or much of the Bible, but what I do know…I like. Mostly. I want to know you better. No one else ever gave up their life for me, and if you really did that, I should be more grateful. So I am going to trust you as best I can right now. You and I both know that is not much…but maybe you can take something very small and work with it.”
“I am sure He can.”
Wow! I could not believe it, but it sure sounded like God had actually spoken, responded audibly! I was so shocked, I opened my eyes. There in front of me was Timothy.
“I thought you were God,” I said.
“I wish I were sometimes,” he said. “But sorry to disappoint you. It is just me.”
Then he sat beside me, and put his hands on my shoulders, turning me towards him. “I’m sorry I just barged in. I knocked…but no one answered.”
“I didn’t hear the knock,” I said.
“Well you seemed to be in another world when you were praying. I should have let you know I had walked in…but I didn’t want to interrupt. It sounded like you needed to finish what you had to say.”
I glanced down at Bo in my lap. “I can’t believe the world’s most talkative dog didn’t warn me when you walked in.”
“That surprised me too. What was even a little eerie is her eyes were closed…like she was praying too. But Ruth, what happened just now? It sounds like you were…I don’t know…praying for Jesus to come to you.”
I felt ridiculous, but I knew that if I denied what had just happened becaus
e I felt silly, all was lost. I don’t know how I knew that, but I did.
“I had a long talk with Talia,” I said. “She told me some very sad things about her life. And it made me think of my life and all the stupid, even evil things I had done. And she was at her lowest point when someone prayed with her to ask Jesus to be Lord of her life. She said she had just a tiny kernel of faith…but that over the years, it grew. I decided it was worth a shot…”
I realized now that my cheeks were wet. Unless it was raining in my living room, I was crying. Timothy rubbed his finger on my cheek to catch the tear drop.
“Are you at the lowest point of your life?”
“Maybe,” I said.
“May I ask why?”
Now frankly, despite my sorrow, that made me a little mad. Just a few hours ago, I had seen him with his arm around a willowy model. Did he really want to pretend that things between us were just hunky dory?
“Well,” I said, batting at the tears, “For starters, I found out I had a grandmother. And she was the most famous pro-life pioneer in Mirror Lake…and she was Dr. Thanatos’ mother! And her last will and testament was on Mr. Zeller’s desk but he did not want me to see it and tried to hide it from me. So something fishy is going on and I am afraid I might have done something very stupid signing those contracts with Dr. Thanatos. But maybe even sadder, if she had known about me, I would not have ended up with Uncle Billy and all the terrible things he did and all those foster parents and all the awfulness of my childhood. I can’t have any of it back! But maybe my grandmother could have stopped it. Except she didn’t even know I was alive. Or maybe she did, and that is even sadder! Why didn’t she save me? And to top all that off, Lakisha hasn’t called in over a week or returned my calls and both me and Talia think she has aborted…”
Leashed to Faith Page 14