by Sydney Lane
I stand by the casket, receiving visitors, beside my mom and dad. The line is long, and it takes several hours to get to the end. Everyone wanted to stop and recount some story about Katie, about how funny she was and how she could always make them laugh. I wish she could have seen it. She was loved, even when she didn’t love herself.
During breaks, I stand and watch the slide show displayed on large screens. My childhood flashes by, and with it, my innocence.
When the line begins to dwindle, I am relieved. Someone steps out of the way, and my heart stops when I see Eric, Brody, and Declan. The tears that I’ve been holding back scream to be released, and a few escape the corner of my eye.
Declan pulls me into a hug, and I hesitate before letting him go. His arms offer peace and comfort, and I don’t want to let go. Too soon, he whispers words of encouragement and steps aside for Eric.
Then, there is Brody. Even at this moment, he takes my breath away. He is beautiful. “I am so sorry, Quince. For everything.” I get the feeling he’s not just talking about Katie. My mouth goes dry and I simply nod before looking away, trying to escape his intense stare. I am relieved when he moves on. I can only handle one heartbreak at a time.
My throat feels permanently constricted, and I know I’ll have a blaring headache in the morning. Only a few more minutes, and I can run away.
Jenna stays close, shooting me encouraging looks throughout the visitation. But once everyone takes their seats, Jenna joins me on the family row. While the minister speaks, a strange numbness takes over my body. I hear him speaking, but none of it registers.
My mom asked me if I wanted to speak, but I knew I couldn’t do it. So, instead, a few of Katie’s friends speak. They tell stories, often hilarious, about Katie. Several times, I find myself smiling, and I know she would have liked this. She really was a prankster, and I imagine her laughing if she were here. Again, I am struck with the urge to laugh.
When it’s time to say goodbye, though, the dam breaks. Tears flow freely down my face, and I know this is the last time I will see my sister’s face. I try to memorize every detail, hoping that I don’t forget over time. Love you, sister.
The graveside service goes by quickly, and I am happy the weather is nice. It is a beautiful Autumn day, and I know the leaves will soon fall. A new season will begin, and we will move on.
I can barely look at my parents. The grief and sorrow reflected on their faces draws me in, and I share their pain. Worse, I share their guilt. I’ve lost my sister, but they’ve lost their daughter. And there is nothing right about that. A parent should never have to bury their child.
Friends and relatives have been visiting and bringing food to us all week. I really haven’t had time to be alone, and I dread being alone with my thoughts. Jenna hugs me one last time before leaving me on our porch. I don’t want to go in. Reality lives on the other side of that door.
My parents haven’t made it home yet, and I wander aimlessly through the house. Finally, I stop outside of Katie’s bedroom. The door is closed, and my hand hesitates on the handle. My sister died in there. Taking a deep breath, I open the door wide enough to slip inside and close it behind me. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths.
Walking around the room, I run my hand over Katie’s things. Her favorite blanket. Her open laptop. Her robe, discarded on the floor. Finally, I sit in the chair and close my eyes. Anger wells up inside of me, and I want to scream. How could she do this to us?
As soon as that thought passes, I feel guilty for my anger. Then, I spot a picture of us on her dresser. It’s us on Christmas morning, sitting by the tree and opening gifts. We couldn’t have been more than 3 and 7 years old. I smile. Then, I cry.
And that is how it is. I love her. I hate her. I’m confused. I’m hurt. I’m mad as hell. I just miss her. Why, sister? Why?
Chapter 46
The days following the funeral pass in a blur. Declan has resumed his ritual of calling me every night, and I wait all day just to hear his voice. He has never mentioned the night with Brody, and neither have I. It’s almost as if it never happened.
Today is my first day back at school. Jenna and I ate breakfast together, and we plan to meet for lunch. Last night, I lay awake for hours trying to decide how to handle the situation with Declan and Brody. I have a plan to avoid Brody, and I pray it works.
I purposely get to psych class early and arrange my things. When people start filing through the door, I stare at my book. Declan, Eric, and Brody walk in together, and my heart skips a beat. Holding my breath, I sneak a glance in their direction. Declan and Eric walk in my direction, but Brody hesitates. I look away, and a few moments later, he sits in his regular seat.
Declan pats my arm, reassuring me, and I relax in my chair. Throughout class, I do not look at Brody, but I can feel his eyes on me. I think if he were a world away, I’d be able to find him by using my senses alone.
Each minute feels like an hour, and I shove my book in my backpack. When Dr. Grimes dismisses us, I’m ready to go. I bolt out of my chair, throw my backpack over my shoulder, and walk quickly out of the room. I halfway expect someone to stop me, and I am both relieved and disappointed that no one calls my name.
Between classes, I call Vincent and ask him not to put me on the schedule for a while. I am over a week behind on my coursework, and I don’t know when I’ll be caught up. Not to mention, I just can’t handle working with Brody right now.
The day passes quickly, and I have never been so glad to go back to the dorm. Between classes, I have had appointments with all of my professors to determine how to best get caught up. Somehow, my backpack feels three times heavier on my way back to the room. As much as I hate the extra work, I am also thankful for the distraction.
After a quick nap, I tackle the books. When the phone interrupts me, I am surprised to see that three hours have passed. But I am more shocked to see Brody’s name on the screen. I stare at the screen until my phone stops vibrating. The familiar buzz alerts me of a new voicemail. Seeing him today was torture, but hearing his voice might rip my heart in two. I have the sudden urge to throw my phone against the wall.
None of this was supposed to happen.
When the phone vibrates again, my nerves jump into high gear. Expecting Brody again, I almost ignore it. Relief washes over me when I see Declan’s name.
I quickly answer, hoping to hear his soothing voice. “Hey, Quincy.” I don’t know if I could ever tire of hearing him say my name. Husky and unhurried, almost like a prayer.
“Hi, Declan! I’m so glad you called!” I say with too much enthusiasm. I hope I’m not that transparent.
“How did your first day back go? I know it was hard on you.” Guilt slaps me in the face. After everything I did to him, he is still here when I need him. I should have been missing Katie instead of daydreaming about Brody.
“It was, but I made it. I think it will get easier with each day.” His voice soothes and comforts me. It’s my lifeline, and I can’t let go.
Knowing that I am behind on my schoolwork, he offers his help. Unfortunately, I am so far behind, I don’t even know where to start anymore.
After we hang up, I change into my PJs, brush my teeth, and lie in the dark. My thoughts always travel to Katie when there is nothing to occupy my mind. Staying busy is my new coping mechanism.
And guilt is my new companion, waiting until I am most vulnerable to attack. I feel guilt every time I think about Katie. I refuse to believe that there was nothing I could have done. She called me, and when she needed me, I wasn’t there. I was too worried about my own life to see my sister’s desperation.
And Declan and Brody. I will never forget the pain in Declan’s eyes when he saw me with Brody. Knowing I caused it makes it so much worse. And Brody. Well, he just doesn’t realize that I almost ruined his life. His friends, his brothers, would have blamed him when I was responsible for all of it.
Being with Brody was hard, but letting him go just might kill me. I gave h
im my heart, and it’s as if I gave him all of the good I had in me. I am broken. Shattered. And I fear the pieces will never fit back together.
Even sleep does not provide an escape. I dream of ice blue eyes, wounded and accusing. I beg him to forgive me, but he shakes his head and begins to back away. I run toward him, reaching out to touch him. But just as my fingers brush against him, he fades away. I’m left with nothing.
When I wake, I have tears running down my face. It was only a dream, but the pain is very real.
Chapter 47
Days turn into weeks. Fall break comes and goes. And I wake up every morning hoping that the day will be better than the last. Jenna spends more time in the dorm with me, saying that she needs time to study. I know she worries about me, and that just makes me feel even worse.
Finals are only a week away, and I am ready to be done. Somehow, I managed to get caught up and salvage my grades. Besides studying, I have become an expert on reality TV shows. And there is nothing better than getting lost in a book. Somehow, living someone else’s life, even if it’s only for an hour, makes me forget.
Declan is a bright spot in my very dark existence. He drags me out of the dorm at least once a week for dinner or a movie. He often holds my hand as we walk, and I hold on as if he might disappear. And when the sadness takes over, he’s just… there. He’s always been there.
Brody breaks my heart. Every. Single. Day. In class, he never takes his eyes off of me. If I ever make the mistake of meeting his eyes, his pain clings to me. Sometimes, I catch him watching me with a faraway look on his face. Other times, he looks desperate. Like if I don’t get away from him, he’s going to explode from holding it all in. But always, he looks wounded. And when he lowers his head and walks past, it takes every single ounce of restraint to keep me from running to him. I want to wrap my arms around him and never let go. I just want to see him smile again.
I am meeting Declan for lunch. I’ve already talked to Jenna about my plans, and he’s the only other person who needs to know.
When Declan walks in, I am already waiting for him. He searches the room, and when his eyes land on me, a smile the size of Texas spreads across his face. Standing when he reaches the table, I lean in for a hug and a quick kiss on the lips. The kiss is so unexpected, so wonderful, that I can’t hold back my smile. I almost feel human again. Almost.
After we eat, I decide to tell him. Reaching across the table to cover his hand with mine, I say, “Declan, there’s something we need to talk about.” I hesitate. He watches me expectantly, his smile encouraging me. “After this semester, I’m going to take a break from school. I’m not coming back next semester.” I let out a shaky breath, expecting resistance.
“Quincy, you know I will support you no matter what you do. You are doing so well. I just don’t want to see you put your life on hold.” He lowers his eyes and pulls his hand away. “It’s just that I will miss you.” A slow, sweet smile exposes his dimples.
“Yeah, but I’ll only be two hours away. We can visit on weekends and stuff. I just need a break. I walk through the motions, but right now, I don’t even know why I’m here. I don’t know what I want to do anymore. I guess I just need some time to figure out who I am.” Because, honestly, I don’t know who to be now that I’m not Katie Priest’s sister.
“Do what you need to do. If that means not coming back, then that’s what you have to do.” At his words, I hear someone behind me growl and curse under their breath. Declan peers over my shoulder, a troubled look on his face.
When I turn to look, Brody is standing directly behind me. His face is dark and brooding. I try to look away, but his eyes beckon me. I can’t break the contact.
“Quince, don’t leave. Don’t you see? I can’t make it without you.” He pleads. Except that I know there are girls lined up, just waiting for him to notice them. He’ll never think of me again.
I shake my head. His voice rips me to shreds. This is the first time he’s said my name since the funeral. Afraid that I would breakdown and call him, I never did listen to his voicemail. “Brody, I can’t do this with you.” I try to plead with him with my eyes. “Please.”
Raking a hand through his hair, he turns and stalks away. My hands shake, and my throat constricts. I want to run after him and beg him to stay. Nothing was ever easy with Brody.
When I finally look at Declan, his face is indecipherable. He withdraws into himself as we sit silently staring at each other. When he speaks, his deep voice interrupts my internal dialogue. “Quincy, I get it. I finally get it.” My heart breaks when I see his decision on his face. “All of this time, I just wanted to be the person who takes care of you. But I think I finally realized that needing me is not the same as loving me.” Tears shimmer in his eyes. “I wanted you to choose me, but I finally get it. You don’t feel the same way about me as you do Brody. It’s him. It was always him.”
I begin to shake my head, but the look on his face stops me. I won’t lie to him again. “Declan, you are everything I need. Please, don’t leave me.” My voice cracks and I am on the verge of hysteria.
“Let’s just take some time, you know, to figure out what we want. Quincy, I think I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. But I subconsciously knew that when I saw you with Brody, there was something there. It still is. And as long as it’s there, we can’t be together.” A tear escapes his eye and slowly slides down his cheek. I just can’t stop hurting the people I love.
He stands and walks to my side. Pulling me from the chair, he draws me into a hug. He holds on tightly for several seconds, and I know he’s saying goodbye. If it’s possible for your heart to break again before it’s even been put back together, mine shatters into a million tiny pieces.
When we part ways outside, I stand unmoving on the sidewalk. I feel as if I might cry, but there are no tears left inside of me. I’m inside a nightmare that I can’t wake up from.
I am trying to force my feet to move when someone puts their hands on my shoulders and spins me around. Brody.
“I’m dying inside, Quince. Dying.” He is so close to me, I can feel his breath on my face. “My heart breaks every time you give a piece of yourself to him.”
“Brody, don’t.” I almost shout, desperate to escape his knowing eyes. I try to pull away, but he holds on tighter.
“Please! Please listen to me. You’ve never given me the chance to say anything, and now you are going to listen.” His voice penetrates the fog surrounding me. “Quince, I want to be the person you run to. I want to be the one you trust when the darkness falls. I want to know your dreams, and I want to breathe the air you breathe. I want to be the one who makes you smile. I just want to be with you.” He takes a deep, ragged breath. “Just trust me, Quince! Trust me enough to be with me. Let me love you every day for the rest of your life.”
I back away, shaking my head. “No.” I can’t breathe. My legs are weak. I don’t know if they’ll carry me, but I push away and walk past him. Forcing myself not to run, I panic. What if he follows me?
I don’t hear him, so I look over my shoulder. When my eyes meet his, he begs, “Fate brought us together, but God dammit, Quince! Make me your choice.”
His plea pierces my soul. He doesn’t know I’m not the same person I was.
When I sit on my bed, I don’t even remember how I got here. My mind races as Declan’s words run through my mind. He’s letting me go. I need him. I can’t do this. And Brody. He’s offering me everything I ever wanted. I don’t deserve either of them.
I grab my pillow and press it over my face to muffle my screams. I’ve been running from crazy all of my life. Has it finally caught up with me?
Chapter 48
I’m sitting at the bar in the kitchen, talking to my mom while she cooks breakfast. Jenna is coming over, and we’re going shopping later this afternoon.
The summer is almost over, and I’ve been home since last Christmas. For the rest of the world, life went on. A whole semester has passed me by while
I tried to put myself back together. Yes, I was broken, and some of the pieces didn’t quite fit back together. But they are all there, held together by love and sheer determination.
With her back to me, my mom says, “Are you ready for this, Quincy?” What she really wants to know is if I’m going to be OK, if I’m going to fall apart again.
“Mom, I’m ready. I need to do this.” If I don’t do it now, I may never leave again. “Don’t worry. I’ll always be your little girl, and I’ll always need you.” I smile, and I really feel like things are going to be better.
We’ve grown so close over the last few months, my mom, my dad, and I. We are the only people who know what we’ve been through and where we’re going. We are survivors. We have regrets. We have questions. And the pain never fully fades away. But we go on. Because we have no choice.
I realize Mom has turned toward me and with tears in her eyes, she says, “Just live, Quincy. Go out there, do what makes you happy, and just… live.”
Before I can answer, Jenna bounces into the room. “Something smells good in here!” She first hugs me, then my mom. Maybe Jenna is the glue that holds us all together.
“Let’s eat and get this show on the road.” Always happy, always smiling. She’s just my Jenna. I love her, and I don’t have to feel guilty about that anymore. Katie loved her, too.
We go shopping, and Jenna is more excited than I am. She finally gets me to go to the mall, and she’s taking me back to school. I have missed having her with me every day, but I had to learn to be on my own before I could live with someone else.
“So, are you really OK with this?” Her eyes squint in concern, scrutinizing my reaction. She doesn’t miss much.
“Jenna, if you want the truth, I am scared shitless.” I take a deep breath, and when Declan and Brody flash through my mind, my heart hurts just a little. “I did a good job screwing things up, but I’m ready to move on.”
“Q, it’s never too late for forgiveness.” Ouch.