by Sykes, Julia
“Unless getting shot in the shoulder fucks all that up.” I did my best to mask the depth of my concern, but I held my breath as I waited for her response.
“You should be fine. It’ll take a while for your muscles to fully heal, so you should take it easy for a while, but you should be back to yourself in a few months.” Her tone was reassuring. This gentle bedside manner was quite a departure from the haughty doctor who enjoyed bossing me around.
My relieved sigh only further softened her features. I was overawed by her compassion.
“Thank you,” I said, my voice slightly husky with emotion. “For everything you’ve done for me.”
She blinked, taken aback by my sincerity. “You’re welcome,” she breathed. Her grey eyes were looking at me as though seeing me clearly for the first time. And maybe she was. I never showed this level of vulnerability to anyone.
I shook myself slightly. “So,” I said casually, changing the subject in order to allay my sudden discomfiture. “Tell me more about you. What’s your story?”
The hint of a frown touched her lips as her gaze turned inward, and I worried that I had tread into painful territory. I tensed, waiting to see if she was going to shut me out again. But her expression cleared quickly, shifting back into that genial mask. The sight of it didn’t please me, but it was preferable to her maddening silence.
“Well, in a nutshell: I graduated high school with honors, went pre-med at Columbia, then got my MD at NYU.” She pursed her lips, evidently unwilling to reveal more. The knowledge that she still didn’t trust me enough to open up to me stung, but at least I was making some headway. “So, where did you go to college?” She asked, obviously trying to turn the conversation away from herself
Now she was the one who had tread into painful territory. Her innocent question delved into the depths of my resentment and shameful weakness when it came to my father. It took great effort to keep my tone casual when I answered.
“I didn’t,” I said. “Carpentry is kind of the family business, so I did an apprenticeship under my dad. I’ve pretty much been working at it my whole life.”
“Oh. I’m kind of the same way, you know,” she said quickly. “My dad was a surgeon, and I always wanted to be like him. There was never a doubt in my mind that I wanted to go to med school.”
I must not have been completely successful in hiding my inner turmoil, because the words spilled from her lips as though in a rush to move past the painful topic. My heart swelled, both from gratitude and from the indication that she actually cared about alleviating my pain.
“So you’re a surgeon too?” I asked, grabbing at the chance to learn more about her.
“No,” she admitted softly. “I decided to become a pediatrician. I wanted to work with kids.”
I shot her a teasing smile, unable to resist the opening that she had given me. “Do I get a lollipop then, Dr. Ellers?” I asked with exaggerated enthusiasm.
She smiled again, and that damn dimple wreaked havoc on my thought processes in the most tantalizing way.
“Only if you’re a good boy,” she stipulated, the sly twist of her lips goading out the predator in me.
“That’s not really my style,” I replied, the roughness of my tone betraying an erotic threat.
Her breath caught in her throat, and lust clouded her eyes. The long days of denial had done nothing to lessen the attraction between us. If anything, our ruthless suppression of our urges had only made them that much more overwhelming the moment that we both lost our careful control.
She went utterly still as I locked her in my gaze, primal instinct urging her to resist the impulse to flee lest she spur the predator in me into pursuit.
“Sorry,” she forced out. “I’m fresh out of lollipops anyway.” Although she tried to cling to her flippancy, her tone was low and lustful.
“Tease,” I accused. My voice was soft and dangerous, imbuing that one word with the promise of retribution.
All thoughts of resisting her had deserted me. How could I possibly remember my resolution not to touch her when her eyes were begging me to do just that, pleading with me to slake her painfully acute need?
I reached for her, and for the first time, she didn’t flinch away from me. A soft gasp escaped her when I finally touched her, my fingertips gently, almost reverently, tracing the line of her jaw. Her breathing turned shallow, and she remained perfectly still. Waiting for me. Her grey eyes were stormy with desire, practically begging me to put an end to our mutual torment.
I firmly gripped her chin between my thumb and forefinger, holding her where I wanted her, demonstrating that I was in control of her body. Triumphant pleasure flooded me when she shivered in response to my domineering touch. I was going to claim her lips like no man ever had; I was going to fuck her mouth with my tongue until she opened for me, surrendering. She would take her pleasure as I demanded, and she would love every second of her submission.
I was seconds away from consuming that wide-eyed innocence that had tempted me so mercilessly, and my victorious smile was almost cruel as I slowly inched toward her, making her wait. She wouldn’t receive the release that she craved until I deigned to give it to her.
She was trembling in my grip, her pulse racing and her pupils dilating as lust claimed her. Although she might not fully understand just how I was manipulating her, she was reacting beautifully, and I had to resist the urge to crush my lips to hers. This was going to happen on my terms, and I was going to enjoy every moment of claiming her for the first time. I was so close…
“Don’t.”
The word was shaky, barely audible. And it held no real conviction. I could break this last vestige of resistance. It would be easy. All I had to do was close the hair’s breadth distance between us and swallow her words of protest. Her cries would be muffled by my demanding tongue. She would press her hands uselessly against my chest until the rush of pleasure that I gave her overcame her reservations. I burned to feel her melting in my arms.
It took everything in me to pause, to resist the compulsion to forcibly evoke her submission.
“Claudia.” Her name was a hoarse, desperate utterance. She had to succumb to me. We would both go insane if she didn’t.
“Please,” she whispered.
I wanted to tell myself that she was begging me to take her, but I knew that was a lie. Through the lust in her eyes, I could see a hint of fear. She didn’t understand what was happening to her, and even though I knew that we both needed this, I couldn’t take her when she was frightened. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I violated her like that.
Gathering up all of my willpower, I forced the beast within myself back into its cage. The effort it took to release her was almost painful.
She wasn’t ready yet. But I could wait. I knew now that it was only a matter of time before she gave herself to me.
My cocky grin slid back into place when her expression starkly betrayed her disappointment. I resolved not to make a move again until she was not only willing, but eager. If she was going to torment me by resisting what was between us, then she would suffer as well before I gave her what she wanted.
I couldn’t help being impressed when she schooled her expression to nonchalance, speaking as casually as though nothing had interrupted our conversation. “I may not have any lollipops,” she said lightly, “but I can cook dinner for you to make up for it.”
Maybe she wouldn’t give in so easily after all.
My smile turned hard-edged. It would be that much sweeter when her strong will did finally bend to my own.
Chapter 6
“Ummm… Would you mind not watching me while I cook? It makes me really uncomfortable.”
Claudia’s voice drifted through my open doorway from where she stood in the kitchen. It seemed that Bradley had decided to watch her every move now that she was no longer confined to my bedroom.
She had been away from my side for all of twenty minutes while she showered and got dressed, but alre
ady I felt restless knowing that she was so close but not in my sight. In a shockingly short span of time, her presence had become an essential part of my existence, and when I was deprived of her warmth I became edgy.
“For god’s sake, Bradley,” I snapped, my irritability overcoming any patience that I might have shown my overly-protective friend. “Leave the woman in peace.”
“Fine,” he snapped, sounding more than a little irritable himself. “But I’ll be sitting right here, so don’t think you can try anything.” The threatening tone that he used when he spoke to her made my blood boil.
I hated that he was out there with her while I was stuck in my bed like some frail old woman. I knew that I was probably strong enough now to move around the apartment at the very least, but I was reluctant to do so because leaving my room would mean leaving her. What if Bradley saw that I was better and decided that I should go back to work? We hadn’t told my father that I had been shot, and Bradley was covering for me. But I knew that already we were likely testing Ronan’s patience. I was putting both of us in a dangerous position, but I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving her alone.
What if someone came to our apartment when I wasn’t home? I couldn’t leave her vulnerable like that.
Or you just can’t leave her.
I grudgingly recognized the truth in that thought. She was beautiful and tempting as sin, but my attraction to her, my need for her, was more than that. Her purity and compassion called to me. No one had ever shown me such unconditional kindness, and the fact that she was capable of doing so after everything that I had put her through was incredible. I had seen the goodness in her, and I knew that her nature would never allow her to hurt me. When I was with her, I didn’t have to worry that my words or actions would somehow be used as weapons against me. For the first time in years, I felt that I could just relax and be myself. I still had to tread carefully to avoid spooking her, but there was a growing trust and companionship between us that I relished.
A part of me still felt guilty for ripping her life away from her, but that was mostly blotted out by the knowledge that I could keep her.
Besides, it didn’t seem like her life had been so great before anyway. I still had a lot to learn about her, but it was obvious that she had been hurt deeply and repeatedly throughout the course of her life. So long as she was with me, she wouldn’t have to worry about that. I would keep her safe, would make sure that she was happy. And as soon as she stopped resisting the sexual tension between us, I knew that the final barriers that separated us would fall away.
Distantly, I knew that my rationalizations were sick and twisted, but my mind was finding a way to cope with our irreversible new reality.
And the idea of having her permanently in my life and in my bed was too goddamn sweet to rebel against.
I stared at the words in my book as the delicious smell of cooking began to permeate the apartment. It had been a long time since I had enjoyed a decent meal. Bradley and I mostly subsisted off of cereal and sandwiches. Neither of us was exactly what you would call a culinary genius.
Even though it was a pretty shitty existence, the life that I shared with my friend had never really bothered me before. Living with him was easy. We mostly went through the motions, went to work, and then settled down in front of the TV with a couple of beers. We taunted each other like brothers, constantly trying to one-up one another. Occasionally, when we could afford it, we went out to a dive bar and got shit-faced. Sometimes it was even fun.
But now everything Bradley did seemed to piss me off. I knew that he was ambitious, that he wanted to move up the ladder. And I knew that his friendship with me was holding him back, given my general hostility towards Ronan. The fact that Bradley accepted and even embraced our life of crime had never sat well with me, but I kept my mouth shut because he risked his own future success out of loyalty to me. He was my oldest friend, but now I was seeing a side of him that I had never allowed myself to acknowledge. Now that Claudia was bringing me back to life, bringing out the best in me, it was becoming starkly clear just how different Bradley and I were.
Had ambition and loyalty to me warped him into this cruel, callous person? Or had our recent circumstances only exacerbated those qualities in him that I had always chosen to ignore?
If I didn’t have Bradley, then I didn’t have anyone. And if I was honest with myself, I had been too scared of losing him to question the growing darkness within him.
But now I had someone else. I had Claudia. Or at least, I wanted to have her.
Was I really considering turning my back on my lifelong friend for a woman I barely knew?
I wanted to be better for her, wanted to be good. The line between right and wrong had always been a grey area for me, but now it was so muddled that thinking about it made my head hurt.
It was wrong to hold a woman captive, but at the same time being with her felt so right. And it was wrong to fuck over my best friend when all he had tried to do was save my life. But how could I not challenge him when he threatened to hurt her?
I raked my hand through my hair in frustration. It didn’t matter what was right and what was wrong. This was my reality now, and I was just going to have to deal with it as best I could.
“Okay,” Claudia called, her voice genuinely cheery. “It’s ready!”
I walked toward the dining table, feigning difficulty at my movements. Truthfully, I felt okay. Sure, every step jarred my shoulder, but I could cope with that. And my head no longer spun when I got to my feet, so that was a good sign.
But I wasn’t going to let Bradley see that. I didn’t even care any longer if I betrayed weakness in front of him. It was preferable to the prospect of leaving her.
A small, pleased smile played around Claudia’s lips when I sat down beside her. The little signs that she was becoming more comfortable around me, even enjoying my closeness, were far more gratifying than was healthy.
But after that one flash of satisfaction, Claudia began shifting in her seat, suddenly uneasy. I wasn’t sure if it was from her lingering confusion about her attraction to me or from apprehension at her proximity to Bradley. He didn’t appear overtly aggressive, but he wasn’t looking at her either.
I kept my mouth shut, knowing that anything I said would tick one of them off, upsetting the tense balance that we had achieved for the moment.
Despite the awkwardness, I found dinner to be immensely satisfying. I knew that pasta wasn’t the most difficult food in the world to cook, but what Claudia had prepared tasted a hell of a lot better than SpaghettiOs from a can. And the simple act of sitting down at the table to share a meal was something that I hadn’t done in years. Bradley and I usually ate in front of the TV.
This could be my life now. She would be here when I came home from work every day, waiting for me. Even if my life wasn’t my own to govern, I could at least pretend to have the one I wanted when I was with her.
I wasn’t sure that Claudia would appreciate being cast in the role of housekeeper, but she looked genuinely pleased and proud when she served up the chocolate cake that she had baked for us. It seemed that there would be more perks to keeping her around than I had anticipated. I wouldn’t mind eating like this every day, even if it meant that I had to work out more often. And I could think of several ways that Claudia could help me burn off the extra calories.
I noticed that her slice of cake was much smaller than mine, and it didn’t have any of the sticky sweet chocolate sauce liberally poured over it. I frowned at her slightly. The woman was thin, and I worried about the meager portions that Bradley had been giving her.
But she just smiled at me. “The sauce is too sweet for me,” she explained. “But I hope you like it.”
She looked so damn sweet when she beamed at me like that. I would have much preferred to devour her. But the cake would do for now.
“I’m sure I will.” I would have told her that I loved it even if it tasted like dirt. Her grin widened when I took my first bite.<
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“Oh my god, Claudia, this is amazing. I haven’t had anything this good since my mother last cooked for me.” I wasn’t exaggerating in the slightest. Satisfaction at the knowledge that she was going to stay here with me surged through me once again. I could definitely get used to this. And she seemed genuinely pleased that I was enjoying what she had made for me.
“Oh?” She asked, flattery and curiosity sparking in her eyes. “How long has that been?”
My jaw clenched, the joy draining from me immediately. I didn’t like thinking about my mother, how it was my fault that she had suffered. It was my fault that she was gone. “Two years,” I said quietly. “She died two years ago.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. I jerked in surprise when her small hand closed around mine beneath the table. My fist tightened beneath her touch, a knee-jerk reaction to her pity. I didn’t deserve anyone’s pity.
But when I looked up into her eyes, I saw nothing but that compassion that took my breath away. No, it was more than that; it was empathy. She had lost her parents too. She might not understand just how fucked up my emotions were when it came to the loss of my mother – my grief was compounded by guilt and self-loathing – but her gentle touch and kind eyes helped to ease some of my inner turmoil. After a moment, I relaxed, accepting her comfort as I closed my fingers around hers.
I was amazed to find that I wasn’t discomfited by the vulnerability that I had just shown her. But I didn’t want Bradley to see it. I held her hand fast in mine, but I turned my attention back to finishing my dinner. The sooner I did, the sooner I could be alone with her again. Her show of concern made me dare to hope that she might be more willing to trust me, to confide in me. Maybe we would even finish the kiss that we had started earlier that afternoon.
Although Bradley helped himself to seconds, I barely tasted the rest of my slice of cake. All I could think about was having her in my bed again.
As soon as Bradley shut my bedroom door behind us, a small, secretive smile flitted over Claudia’s face. I wondered if she was remembering our almost-kiss. I sure as hell couldn’t stop thinking about it.