‘We’ve been looking at a few flats on The Esplanade.’
A couple of months back — perhaps even a few weeks back — that information would have floored me yet, strangely, it didn’t. I actually felt happy for him.
‘What are you smiling at?’ he said.
‘You. Despite the trauma with your mother, you look so content. It’s nice.’
He smiled. ‘I am content. I thought you’d be upset.’
‘So did I. A lot has happened over the last few months and I think I’m finally in a place where I can accept it and move on.’
‘And have you moved on?’
‘By which you mean is there someone else?’
‘I suppose so. Is it that guy from Bean Cuisine?’
‘It was, but that’s all over. I think he was my Getting Over Gary prescription and, for a while, he was exactly what the doctor ordered. It’s just me on my own for the moment and I’m quite happy with that.’
We sat there smiling at each other for a while. ‘Are you okay, now?’ I said eventually.
‘I will be. I think my mum has shown her true colours and my priority right now is to get to know my brother and his family.’
‘I’m so glad you’ve said that. I always wanted you to reach out to Lloyd and Zoe.’
‘Did you? You never said.’
I shrugged. ‘I never said a lot of things, particularly where your family were concerned, and I regret that now. I’ve been seeing Jem again. He says I shouldn’t have regrets. I should have learnings. I’ve learned a lot from our marriage, and I’ve learned a lot since. I hope it’s all made me stronger. Why are you looking at me like that?’
Gary had tilted his head slightly to one side, with an amused smile on his lips. ‘You’re different.’
‘Oh. Good different or bad different?’
‘Good different. I can see glimpses of the girl I knew at school and college, but with added wisdom and maturity. I like it. You seem stronger.’
‘I feel stronger. Thank you.’
Gary stood up. ‘I’ve taken enough of your time. I’d better go.’
I stood up too. ‘I’m sure she’ll come running back to you when she realises she’s completely screwed up and she’s a very lonely woman with no family.’ I didn’t care that it sounded harsh; she deserved it.
‘I hope so,’ he said. ‘Thank you. You’ve been a great help. Does this mean we can be friends again?’
‘Come here, you.’ I hugged him. ‘We’ve always been friends and we always will be. I think that’s why our relationship worked when you clearly didn’t fancy me. We just needed a bit of time apart while I got over the hurt.’
He pulled away and looked at me with such sad eyes. ‘I wanted to fancy you, Li.’
Even the mention of my pet name didn’t affect me. How odd. ‘I know,’ I said. ‘But some things aren’t meant to be. I’m not suggesting I want to come round for Sunday dinner with the pair of you and help you pick out paint colours for your new flat, but I’d like to think that we can find our way back to the friendship that started this whole thing off and that I’ll be able to forgive Rob.’
‘I’d like that.’ He walked towards the front door then turned to face me. ‘Thanks, Li. You’ve shown great dignity throughout all of this. You’re an amazing woman.’
‘I’m not sure I handled it with dignity at the start, but thank you.’
‘Are you okay, by the way? You look tired.’
I smiled. ‘I’ve had a bit of sickness recently, but I’m improving.’
‘Have you seen a doctor?’
‘Yes. I’m sure you’ll understand that I’ve registered elsewhere, but I’m absolutely fine thank you, Dr Dawson.’
‘You’re sure? I want you to be happy too.’
‘I know.’ I took hold of his hand and smiled. ‘And I really think I’m going to be. It’s been a tough few months, but the future’s looking bright.’
I reached around him and opened the door. We hugged again before he headed home to Rob.
As I washed the mugs, I reflected on our parting words. It really was going to be okay. I didn’t feel quite so numb anymore. Talking to Gary about Rob hadn’t hurt. Talking about being friends had felt like a real possibility. It felt like I’d closed a door on my old life with Gary and opened up a new one on my life with baby bean. I was going to have a baby and I was going to love it whether or not Daniel wanted to be in its life. And I would never, ever, show such contempt and disrespect for my child as Gary’s mother had to her two boys, no matter what challenges it brought into our lives. I’d embrace diversity and welcome uniqueness. We’d get through everything together because I would love this baby, no matter what because that’s what mothers do. In that moment, I also knew that, despite the concerns I’d shared with Jem, I would never, ever be like my mother.
I stroked my stomach. Gary’s proposition to have his baby hadn’t felt right, but somehow this scenario finally did. How ironic it was that Gary’s mother had been the one who’d made me feel that way.
Chapter 31
‘Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you…’
Sarah took her seat at the head of the table in Le Bistro — a cosy restaurant a few streets back from the seafront — while twenty or so friends, colleagues, and family members sang to her. Beaming, she thanked the group. ‘I know my thirty-first isn’t exactly a landmark birthday so I really appreciate you all making the effort to come out and celebrate it with me. For me, it feels a bit like the thirtieth celebration I never had last year. I can’t believe how much has changed since then. New business, fiancé, new family, new friends.’ She looked round the group, nodding. ‘What a difference a year makes. Thank you all for being part of it.’
Yes, indeed. What a difference a year makes. Sarah had split up with Jason on her thirtieth birthday, hopped on the train home, and had been presented with Kay’s proposal to take over her shop. Now she had a thriving business and was planning her wedding.
To stop me dwelling on how much my own life had changed during that year, I retrieved the gift bag containing Sarah’s present from under my chair, walked round the table, then crouched down beside her. ‘Sorry about running out on you on Wednesday,’ I said.
She smiled. ‘Was he okay? We haven’t had a chance to catch-up about it.’
‘His mother found out. It got pretty nasty.’ I looked round at the table and shook my head. ‘I can’t really speak now. I’ll tell you more later.’
I returned to my seat opposite Jess and Lee. I had Tara, the manager of The Chocolate Pot to my left and Ginny from The Wedding Emporium to the right which made me feel on edge. I’d messaged her about changing the size of my dress, telling her that I’d lost a lot of weight after the stress of splitting up with Gary, but had put it back on and was worried the size she’d ordered wouldn’t fit. I’d felt quite distressed at how easily another lie had materialised. It gave me some insight into Gary’s world, though. Once you started lying, it was so hard to stop. You had to create new lies to cover old ones. I’d casually suggested that it may be a good idea not to mention anything to Sarah after so many disruptions to her plans already. Ginny had replied saying that I was just in time with the change and that she agreed there was no reason for Sarah to know. I couldn’t help panicking that she might suddenly drop it into conversation over dinner. I knew it was ridiculous to worry about it, but I couldn’t help it.
A burst of laughter drew my eyes further up the table to where Stevie was seated with Clare to one side of him and Ben to the other. The three of them were creased up with the giggles. I watched as Stevie wiped tears from his dimpled cheeks and found myself wishing that I’d been the one to make him laugh like that. His sparkling eyes and dimples were such a turn-on. A hot flush crept up my body. I grabbed my water and took a big gulp.
An oily olive bounced off my forearm, making me jum
p.
‘Have you heard a single thing I just said?’ Jess demanded.
I hadn’t even been aware that she was talking to me. I took another glance down the table and caught Stevie’s eye. He gave me a gentle, reassuring smile. At least he wasn’t ignoring me, which would have been understandable. I turned back to Jess. ‘Sorry. I’m all ears now.’
Ten minutes later, our starters arrived. Jess sniffed the air like a Bisto Kid and pointed to my plate. ‘Hmm, soft cheese. Now that’s something I can’t wait to gorge on when these two appear.’
I laughed as I cut open my deep-fried Camembert, salivating as the warm cheese oozed out of the breadcrumbs, then her words actually registered with me. Soft cheese? Pregnancy? Oh no! How could I have been so stupid? I couldn’t eat it. Yet I was starving. I pushed it around my plate then hid it under some lettuce leaves, hoping nobody would notice. I think I’d have got away with it if it hadn’t been for a well-meaning waiter when it came to plate-clearing time. Was there something wrong with it? Was it not to my taste? Was it too cold? Not runny enough? Too greasy? Argh! I felt like everyone on the table was watching me.
‘It was delicious,’ I insisted, ‘but I’m not very hungry. I need to save my appetite for my main course.’
‘Please, madam, tell me if something wrong. I tell chef.’
‘No, no, it’s lovely. Really it is. It’s just me. Please take it.’ Thankfully he stopped debating and removed the offending item.
My stomach growled. I was so hungry. I’d discovered that I could control the nausea if I ate as soon as it came on, but I’d used my only edible food to hide my inedible choice. Drat. Fresh air. I needed fresh air. I politely excused myself and tried to walk with dignity and grace away from the table, legs wobbling, stomach churning. Mints. I grabbed a handful from the bowl by the till. I hadn’t even made it out of the door before I’d unwrapped one and stuffed it into my mouth.
The air held a chill following an earlier downpour and I shivered. The upside was that the pavement café area was deserted. There were three round metal tables to my left, each with four chairs around them. Metal trellises, climbing plants and fairy lights offered privacy from the path. I headed for the middle table. Someone had tipped the chairs up so they weren’t actually wet. I tilted one back, sat on it and took a deep breath, sucking on my mint and waiting for the nausea to subside. I unwrapped another sweet and put it in my mouth too then sat forward, resting my head in my hands.
‘You’re pregnant, aren’t you?’
I looked up, startled, as Clare pulled out the seat next to me and sat down.
‘Of course not. Why would you…?’ But I stopped as I looked into her curious eyes. What was the point in denying it? I sighed, ‘Yes. How did you know? Is it because I’ve been ill?’
Clare shook her head. ‘No. I accepted the gastric flu thing.’
‘I actually did have it. Not anymore. So what was it?’
‘It was the cheese tonight. I heard what Jess said and I saw your face.’
I bit my lip. ‘Do you think anyone else noticed?’
‘No. I think your secret’s safe. Assuming you’ll be wanting to keep it secret.’
I nodded.
‘How far will you be?’
‘A little over nine weeks.’
‘I’m assuming that, if you’re avoiding drink and being careful with food, you’re planning on keeping the baby?’
‘Ending it isn’t an option for me. I couldn’t do that. It’s not the baby’s fault that it wasn’t planned. You probably think I’m doing the wrong thing, don’t you?’
Clare sat back and glared at me. ‘Have you learned nothing from our fight? You really think I’d recommend a termination?’
‘No. Not recommend as such. It’s not a judgement about it. I just thought you hated kids so that’s maybe what you’d do if you were in my situation.’
‘I don’t hate kids.’
‘But Sarah told me you call babies Gremlins and can’t bear to be around them. I just assumed that—’
‘It’s easier that way. I don’t have to—’ She stopped and cleared her throat. ‘Nine weeks you say? Not Gary’s. Unless…? Okay, stop shaking your head. Not Gary’s. Daniel’s?’
I nodded and chewed on my lip again.
‘So you’re nine weeks pregnant with Daniel’s baby. Nobody knows. What happens next?’
‘Is that true?’
I jumped at the male voice and looked up into his pained eyes. My heart thumped.
‘I asked you a question, Elise. Is it true that you’re pregnant with my brother’s baby?’ His voice was thick with emotion, his face pale, his body shaking.
I stood up. ‘Michael. I’m sorry. I…’ But what was there to say?
‘Don’t,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to hear it. Give this to my dad.’ He thrust something into my hands, turned, and marched out of the seating area.
‘Michael!’ I glanced at Clare.
‘Go after him,’ she hissed, grabbing the item off me.
‘Michael!’
He’d rounded the corner and was striding up Sandy Bank towards town by the time I caught him. ‘Michael. Please talk to me.’
He turned round, his face pale except for a bright red patch on each cheek. ‘I know you said we could only be friends, but I hoped that, with time, you’d start to think of me as more than that. I’m so bloody stupid. First Amber. Now you. And my bastard brother has to screw things up with both of you.’
‘I’m sorry, Michael. I never wanted to hurt you.’
‘And neither did Amber, yet somehow I’m stuck in Groundhog Day with two severe cases of unrequited love where the women I care about choose that two-timing shit over me, he ruins their lives, and I’m expected to pick up the pieces.’
I reached out and touched his arm, but he shrugged me off. ‘Please don’t touch me, Elise. I can’t do this. I can’t be friends with you.’
‘I’m not with Daniel, though. I ended it.’
‘It’s not over, though. You’re carrying his baby. I wish you well, Elise, I really do, but I can’t be there to watch you bring up my brother’s baby. You know how much I hate him. I’d hate the baby too, and I’d start to hate you.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘So am I.’ He turned to walk away, then spun back to face me again. ‘Does he know?’
I shook my head. ‘Please don’t tell him.’
‘I won’t. You do know he won’t want anything to do with it, don’t you?’
I nodded. ‘I’m counting on it.’ My heart thumped as he held my gaze. ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered again. Never had one word felt more inadequate. I prided myself in being a caring individual, yet I’d never paused to think about how devastated Michael would be when he found out about the baby. All I’d thought about was that he might be hurt by a crush on me that hadn’t developed into anything. This was so much bigger than that. Talk about ripping his heart out and stamping on it. How selfish and self-centred was I? Had I inherited that from my mother?
‘Goodbye, Elise. Good luck.’ Then he turned and disappeared up a side street.
A warm hand slipped into mine. ‘I wanted to make sure you were okay,’ Clare said. ‘Are you?’
A tear slipped down my cheek. ‘I’m not actually sure.’
Then, for the first time ever, Clare hugged me and in that one moment I felt all the bad feeling between us pale into insignificance. The woman holding me didn’t seem like the bitchy man-eater I’d always put her down as; she seemed like a sensitive and warm person who I actually liked. At that moment, she was also a person who I really, really needed. Who knew?
Chapter 32
October half term couldn’t have arrived soon enough for me. I was exhausted. My first trimester had taken it out of me, not helped by the start of a new academic year and getting ready to complete on the house sa
le.
After Gary’s visit to Smuggler’s View, I’d realised it was unfair to expect him to pack up the whole house. I also felt uncomfortable at the thought of Rob going through everything that represented my life with Gary, so I’d agreed to spend most evenings during the last fortnight sorting, dividing up, selling, or giving away our belongings.
What an emotionally draining experience that had been, properly saying goodbye to our life together. It had also been good for my relationship with Gary, though. We’d talked more than we’d talked for years, and he’d managed to fully convince me that, even though he knew he was gay, he’d been happy as my husband for ten years thanks to the friendship we’d shared. It was comforting to know that our marriage hadn’t been a complete and utter failure.
I’d told Graham about my pregnancy. As my boss, he needed to know for health and safety reasons. The hopeful look in his eyes that Gary and I had overcome our differences was painful. And telling him that Gary wasn’t the father was embarrassing, but if he judged me, he didn’t let on.
I still wasn’t ready to tell anyone else, though. I’d come close to confiding in Gary, but I bottled it. Clare, as the only other knowledgeable party other than my midwife and Jem (and Michael, of course), had been true to her word and kept the secret. She’d even taken to texting me to ask how I was and when I was having my scan. I exchanged the occasional text with Curtis, but I didn’t mention the baby.
My twelve-week scan fell into perfect timing with half term. It was scheduled for shortly after two on the Tuesday afternoon. I awoke with butterflies in my stomach. The nerves didn’t settle all day and I seemed to be permanently traipsing to the bathroom, even before I had to take on the obligatory extra fluid an hour before my scan.
Kay had gone to York for a spot of early Christmas shopping with Linda, which was a relief as she’d have quickly noticed that something was afoot. Mind you, I was a little surprised she hadn’t noticed already; usually nothing got past her. She did seem distracted with her photography, though. And Philip. She was adamant that it was just friendship, but I’d watched them playfully flirting with each other at Sarah’s birthday meal and had seen them together several times since. She could deny it all she wanted, but love was definitely in the air.
Getting over Gary (Whitsborough Bay Trilogy Book 2) Page 25