by Reilly, Cora
“You wanted something special, I know. But it’s only one time. The first time doesn’t count, especially not that first time. It practically didn’t happen and you should forget about it right this second. You’ll have fabulous sex with guys that actually deserve you.”
“It took me 21 years to find a guy willing to sleep with me. Fabulous sex is nothing I’m too hopeful about. And after tonight, after feeling like I was ripped apart, I’m in no rush to have sex again, believe me.”
“The first time is seldom good. But it gets better. So much better,” Amy said the last three words in a conspiratorial whisper. “And honestly, it’s no surprise that it hurt. Your first time shouldn’t happen with an inconsiderate bastard against a wall. Jared took good care of me and my first time still hurt.” Amy and Jared shared a loving look over his newspaper. Tears shot into my eyes so quickly I had barely time to blink them back. I bet Jared whispered sweet nothings into her ear as he made love to her. I bet he held her in his arms afterward. I bet he cherished and loved her even back then. I bet he told her he loved her and actually meant it. High school sweethearts. How must it feel to never have your heart broken?
Suddenly, I felt the walls closing in on me. I couldn’t stay a second longer in a room with Jared and Amy, and their love. I was such an idiot. I jerked to my feet, holding Bruno against my chest, and stumbled toward the door. “I should go to my apartment,” I mumbled. I tore the door open and stepped into the corridor, then froze. Adrian was standing in front of my apartment.
Chapter Fourteen
I sucked in a breath in surprise. Adrian turned around and stared at me. I backed away into Amy’s apartment and closed the door again, my heart pounding in my chest. I bumped into Amy who’d followed me. “Nora?”
“Adrian. He’s out there.” Bruno whined and I loosened my grip on him. I’d practically been crushing him against me.
Jared appeared at my side. “That guy is in the hall now?”
I nodded numbly, staring at the wood of the door. A knock sounded and I flinched. Jared walked past me and put his hand on the door handle, then gave Amy a look over his shoulder. She took my hand and pulled me away from the door and into their bedroom. “Let Jared deal with him.”
I wasn’t sure what that meant and I honestly didn’t care.
We stood right in front of the closed bedroom door, but Jared was talking too quietly for me to make out what he was saying to Adrian and maybe it was for the best. I was about to walk over to the bed and sink down when I heard Adrian's voice. “I don’t owe you anything, least of all an explanation. I need to see Nora.”
“Fuck off,” Jared said loudly. “You better leave and never try to talk to Nora again.”
“Or what?” Adrian snarled. The danger in his voice sent a shiver down my back. Amy shifted nervously beside me. “Maybe I should go out,” I suggested, even though it was the last thing I wanted. I couldn’t face Adrian. Not so soon after what had happened, maybe never.
“No,” Amy said. “Jared has a black belt. He can handle this.” A sudden burst of worry for Adrian filled me, but I squashed it. He deserved to have his ass kicked.
“Or you’ll regret it,” Jared said.
“Is that a threat?”
There was commotion, and Amy took a step toward the door. She gave me an apologetic look, then disappeared into the living room. I hesitated. I needed to get a grip on myself. Taking a deep breath, I followed Amy, bracing myself for the sight of Adrian, but he was gone. Jared was leaning against the closed front door, massaging his wrist. Amy rushed toward him, taking his hand in hers. His knuckles were red, but that didn’t seem to bother Jared. He was rubbing his wrist. “What happened?”
Jared shook his head.
“Jared?” I asked.
“He wanted to talk to you. I punched him.”
“And you hurt your wrist when you punched him?” Amy asked doubtfully.
“No, in the resulting shoving match. I’m pretty sure that Adrian guy has a black belt, too. Or at least martial arts experience. Quick bastard twisted my arm after I punched him.”
My eyes widened and I stared at Jared’s wrist that was turning as red as his knuckles. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin your evening.” This day had turned into a nightmare.
“Nonsense,” Amy said, but she didn’t stop prodding Jared’s wrist. “Jared’s wrist has seen worse. You don’t earn a black belt without your fair share of injuries on the way.” But those injuries hadn’t been my fault.
“Amy’s right. And it felt good to punch that asshole. The only thing I’m angry about is that I let down my guard and he got the better of me.”
“Then why did he leave?”
“When he saw me, he left. Maybe he didn’t want to cause a scene in front of a woman,” Amy said.
“He didn’t seem the chivalrous type when he told me he didn’t do virgins.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness from my voice. Jared looked away, probably embarrassed.
“I’m a potential fuck buddy,” Amy said, her nose wrinkled.
Jared jerked his head around, his eyes practically popping out of his head. “If he touches you, I’ll--” Amy silenced him with a kiss before he could deliver his threat. “Don’t worry, I have standards.” Her widened eyes snapped toward me. “Oh, Nora, I didn’t mean it like that.”
“No, you’re right. I should have known better.” All the anger and mortification drained out of me until only tiredness was left.
Amy put her arm around me. “You shouldn’t be alone tonight. You can sleep here.”
I gave her an uncertain look and she said firmly. “No objections.” My eyes darted to Jared who’d grabbed a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and was pressing it against his wrist.
“Don’t try to argue. Amy will only chain you to our sofa if you try to leave.”
I smiled gratefully. “Thanks. You’re the best, both of you. I don’t deserve you.”
“Stop talking crazy. Now come on. I’ll give you one of my pajamas for the night.” I’d never seen Amy in anything that came close to pajamas. Babydolls, camisoles, tiny shorts that I filed under lingerie, yes, but not pajamas. If I had a boyfriend to seduce, I’d probably go for sexy too, but as it was comfortable would do. I pushed the bitterness aside. Amy opened the dresser in their bedroom and scanned the pile of nightclothes.
“Maybe you can just give me one of Jared’s shirts?” I said, then wondered if that was something I shouldn’t have suggested. Wearing your best friend’s boyfriend’s shirts was probably a no-go. Amy, however, didn’t seem offended. She was too busy perusing her clothes. “Aha!” she exclaimed and pulled out flannel pajamas with yellow ducks on them. She held them up for my approval and I cracked a smile. “You’re wearing those?”
Amy smiled sheepishly. “Only when Jared’s gone and I need something to keep me warm and snuggly.”
I took the pajamas. They were incredibly soft. “They’re perfect.”
She nodded toward their bathroom. “I’ll wait for you to get ready?”
“Are you going to read me a goodnight story too?” Somehow the words sounded more snippy than I’d intended. I shook my head, then smiled apologetically. Amy gave me a little shove. “Get ready while I pick a story.” What would it take to get Amy angry? She was always so considerate and kind. No wonder Jared adored her.
When I stepped into the bathroom, my eyes landed on the shower. For a moment, I considered washing Adrian’s scent off of me, to wash the memories off of me, but I didn’t want to impose on Amy anymore than I already had. Instead I wiggled out of the dress, looking at it with something close to wistfulness. I wouldn’t wear it ever again. I hoped goodwill could use it. I slipped the pajamas on, then left the bathroom. Amy had already pulled out their sofa and set out a pillow and a blanket for me.
We settled on the couch again and Jared quietly snuck into their bedroom. I leaned my head against the backrest. A headache was hammering in my skull and there was a twinge in my abdomen. “Do you have
Tylenol?”
Amy hopped off the couch and returned a couple of minutes later with a glass of water and two pills. I washed them down with the water, then stretched out on the sofa-bed. “Go to Jared. I’ll be fine.”
Amy looked doubtful. “I could sleep on the sofa with you.”
“No,” I said quickly. “I’ll be fine, Amy, honestly. Just like you said, it was only one time. In a few months I’ll probably laugh about everything. It meant nothing. Adrian meant nothing.”
Amy kissed my cheek, then headed off to the bedroom. I extinguished the lamp on the side table and stared into the darkness, my last words replaying in my mind. It meant nothing. Adrian meant nothing.
LIAR.
Today – tonight, those words were lies, but tomorrow, I promised myself they’d be true.
Chapter Fifteen
I awoke with a steady pounding in my head. It felt like my skull was going to burst any second. I sat up, blinking back sleep. For a moment, I was disorientated and confused but then as I shifted and felt the soreness between my legs, everything came crashing back down on me. I'd hoped that maybe I’d had enough wine last night to not remember everything but my memories were as sharp as if I was seeing them on Amy’s iPad. I could remember every mortifying moment of last night.
I buried my face in the soft pillow and drew in a deep breath, trying to hold back tears. I’d thought a night’s sleep would dull the ache in my chest. It didn’t. My mortification, my sadness, my anger were as fresh and raw as last night. The anger was the only emotion I was glad to have. Anger was something I could deal with. Maybe. But the rest…
I'd always wondered how my first time was going to be, and now all those silly imaginations had been proven wrong. So very wrong. A long time ago I’d imagined my first time to be with my first love, the guy I’d been pining for from freshman year until graduation. Of course, I’d given up on that fantasy a long time ago. I quickly shoved that thought out of my brain. It led to nothing good. Later, after high school, I’d thought it would happen with someone I met in New York after moving there, someone I loved. Back then I still believed in love at first sight. Then later I’d resigned myself to the fact that I’d lose my virginity in a meaningless fling with a decent guy just to finally lose it. I’d been in that state of mind when I first laid eyes on Adrian and everything would have been perfectly fine if I’d remained in that state of mind (well, Adrian’s words would have stung even then), but somehow along the way of watching Adrian screw other women, I’d inexplicably fallen for him. Fallen in lust, as Amy called it, and maybe it had been just that; until our shared dinner, until I heard him talk about Italy, until I heard him laugh, until I caught the briefest peek behind his mask.
There was a fine line between falling in lust and falling in love, and I’d crossed it willingly – had practically smashed it like a lovesick Hulk, because deep down I’d really thought things between Adrian and me would be different, that I’d be different from all the women he’d had before.
I'd been stupid and naïve. Silly, stupid, naïve Nora.
And I couldn’t even blame Adrian, at least not for the meaningless sex part. He’d never given any indication that I was more to him than a fling. He’d pointedly ignored Giovanne’s question if I would visit the restaurant again.
I wished I could have blamed it on the wine. I wished I could say that if I hadn't drunk an entire bottle of it, I would have been clever enough to decline Adrian's suggestion to go up to his apartment. But I’d promised myself last night that I was done lying to myself. I’d been intoxicated by Adrian, not by the wine. I’d wanted him. I’d wanted to be the one to capture his heart. God, all those fucking Hollywood romances must have gotten to my head if I’d actually believed I could convince Adrian of a monogamous life with me of all people.
Adrian.
I don't do virgins.
The words echoed in my head over and over again, tearing at me, hurting me. I'd been so stupid. So very, very stupid. I'd thought I could change him, could change his antics, could make him care for me. And now I was just another notch on his belt. Just another woman who'd spread her legs for him. Just another one of his whores.
I choked back a sob but I couldn't stop the tears from falling and soaking the pillow. Something warm and furry pressed itself against my cheek, and a teary smile curved my lips. I turned my head slightly and found Bruno curled up on the pillow next to me, his brown eyes gazing at me. He wasn't really allowed to be on my pillow, especially since this was Amy's guest-bed, but I decided to let him get away with it.
I untangled my hand from the blankets and wiped the tears off my face. I made another promise right then: I wouldn’t cry over Adrian ever again.
I stroked Bruno’s head gently and he closed his eyes and let out a little snuffle; a sign that he enjoyed the attention he was receiving. I needed to thank Jared and Amy for keeping an eye on him last night, and for taking care of me. It was mortifying to think that I'd told them everything. Even if Jared had pretended to be immersed in his newspaper for my sake, I knew he’d heard every word I’d said. And even if he hadn’t, I was pretty sure Amy told him everything. They were that kind of couple.
Maybe I could at least blame my oversharing on the wine; I'd have never told them about the most horrible evening of my life in such detail if I’d been completely sober, but I wasn’t even sure if that was the truth. I’d wanted to confide in Amy. But now, I wasn't sure if I could ever face them again, especially Amy. She'd warned me against going on a date with Adrian, had practically begged me to tell Adrian about my inexperience, and I'd ignored everything she'd said. If I’d at least told him about my virginity, he would have dumped my sorry ass before banging me against the wall.
I swung my legs out of the sofa bed, startling Bruno. He jumped to the ground with a reproachful face. My eyes drifted over to the front door. Maybe I could sneak out of the apartment without their notice, and then I could move out of my apartment, leave New York and return to my parents. I could already imagine what my mother would say. She’d always been against me moving to New York. I staggered to my feet and took a step toward the door, then I stopped. No. I was done being pathetic. I was not going to run away from my life or Amy. Not because of Adrian. Not because of anyone. I’d done that once before.
A knock made me tense, thinking it was coming from the front door and Adrian had returned, but then the bedroom door swung open and Amy’s head peered around the corner. When she saw I was awake and up, she came into the room. She frowned. “Were you about to leave?” She put her hands on her hips.
“No, not anymore.”
Amy gave me a puzzled look, then nodded toward the kitchen corner. “Let’s make breakfast. I need carbs and coffee.”
People always mistook Amy for a health fanatic who banned fat, carbs and everything tasty from her diet because she was vegan. Those people should try her coconut-banana pancakes.
She was whipping them up as I sat at the kitchen table, sipping her delicious coffee. She bustled around the kitchen, humming under her breath. She opened a cupboard, took out two plates, then kicked the door shut with her bare foot. She was wearing a baby-blue satin camisole and matching tiny shorts, but her hair was all over the place. She’d cut it recently into a sharp bob that reached her chin. She gave me a smile as she loaded out plates with pancakes, then topped them with coconut whipped cream and maple syrup. Their sweet smell filled me up and I let out a sigh. She put a plate down in front of me and balanced the other on her knees, her legs pulled up against her body. Her fork hovered inches above the pancakes, her eyes glued to me. “You probably don’t want me to ask how you feel?”
I shrugged and pushed a massive chunk of pancake into my mouth. I chewed slowly before I replied. “I won’t say I’m fine because that’s not true. But I will be fine eventually.” I was glad she hadn’t mentioned my puffy eyes. They were a pretty good indicator for my mood.
“Yes, you will. What about Leon?” She slipped a piece of pancake in
to her mouth. “Oh, mhhh. I’ve outdone myself.”
“What about Leon?”
She wriggled her bare toes. “Well, we need to find someone who will make your second and third and fourth and all the following times as good as they can get.”
I dropped my fork. It clanked against the plate, then landed on the table top, sprinkling it with whipped cream and syrup. “No, absolutely not.”
“What? You don’t even know what I was going to say,” Amy said indignantly.
I rolled my eyes and picked up the fork I’d dropped, then took a napkin and wiped away the syrup off the table top. “I know you.”
Bruno walked over to Amy, then rolled on his back and let out a low snore. Amy began petting him with a bare foot. “I just think you need a little help moving on from Adrian.” She got up and fetched us both a glass of orange juice. “I know you said it meant nothing but we both know that’s not true.”
I stared down at the remains of my pancakes and the syrup pooling around it, suddenly not hungry anymore. “I don’t want to move on. At least, not like that. I don’t want to go looking for a new guy to break my heart.”
“Oh Nora,” Amy said quietly. Shit, why did I have to say Adrian had broken my heart?
I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about this, about Adrian anymore. I just want to pretend last night never happened. Can we do that?”
Amy nodded. “Of course. But if you ever feel like talking about it or men again, tell me.”
“Don’t worry. There’s no one else I could talk to anyway.”
“So Janet has discovered her passion for jackfruit. She’s introduced three new dishes with jackfruit in them. And they all taste perfect. It’s scary how close her jackfruit jerky and her shredded jackfruit come to tasting like actual meat. I don’t think people would even realize there wasn’t shredded chicken in their tacos if we weren’t a vegan restaurant. You have to come for lunch soon and taste it!”
I gave Amy a grateful smile. Only she could change the topic that smoothly and entertainingly. “I think I’ll take you up on that offer. Shredded pork and chicken tacos are something I’ve been really missing since I stopped eating meat.”