by Ruby Brown
“Thomas, I’m so sorry...” Mal began, reaching for him, but just as her fingers brushed the soft cotton of his t-shirt Thomas scrambled to his feet and ran away, stumbling through the crowd, unable to see through the tears filling his eyes. He struggled to hold them in. He didn’t want his sister to see him cry. She already thought he was weak and pathetic, and if he couldn’t even take a punch without crying, how was he ever going to make her proud?
Mal looked up at Rose, surprised she hadn’t tried to kill her yet. Rose was just standing motionless, staring at her silently, which was honestly just as terrifying as if she’d been trying to decapitate her. “Aren’t you going to check and see if he’s okay?” she asked, because she wanted to know herself if Thomas was alright but she also knew he wouldn’t let her anywhere near him right now. She’d fucked up.
In a monotone, Rose said “no. He’s had some...experience...with people he’s trusted hitting him before, much harder then what you just did. He can deal with it himself.”
Mal felt the anger flaring up again. Suddenly, she found herself shouting “you don’t have to be so hard on him, you know? He’s just a kid!”
“It’s what’s best for him. It pushes him to succeed, to meet my expectations. Besides, what happens if he gets too attached to me and then I die? He has to learn to be self-sufficient, to rely on himself and not anyone else.” Rose was still using the same flat tone, and for some reason it made Mal’s skin crawl.
Something clicked inside her brain. “You don’t want him to go through what you did when your parents died,” Mal whispered. “You think that you can protect him from getting hurt if you make him hate you, and then if you die in combat he won’t care as much.”
Rose turned and walked away. She clearly wasn’t interested in having this conversation. Mal walked into her room, which thankfully was empty. She had no idea what she’d do if Trixie was there. Mal pressed her forehead to the door, trying to soothe the pounding headache she had, and tried to think. She barely remembered hitting Thomas. All she could recall was her gut twisting when he’d said he agreed with Blaise. She was desperate to get him to shut up. The next thing she knew, Thomas was lying on the ground and her hand was stinging.
The two sides of Mal were at war. Her Praethic side was furious with her, screaming all kinds of abuse and making her feel terrible for hurting Thomas like that. Mal knew he was only trying to help. But her Akraansir magic was saying something entirely different; congratulating her on standing up for herself and comforting her, saying she’d made the right choice and it was proud she was finally giving in to the inevitable.
Chapter 18
The following weeks were pure torture for Mal. She felt like she was being ripped apart. After she’d hit Thomas, everyone she cared about distanced themselves. She could feel Rose’s eyes piercing her skin like daggers, Dallas would fade into the crowd like a shadow every time she came anywhere near him, Thomas and Trixie walked around together everywhere now and whenever they saw her they looked the other way and quickened their footsteps. Trixie had moved out of their room, meaning that Mal now dreaded going there because she had no distractions. She didn’t dare let herself think too much. Terrified of herself, Mal did her best to use her training as a distraction, but it was so much harder without Rose by her side, and all she could think about was how much she hated herself for not being powerful enough to save the two people she cared about more than anything.
No, stop it, don’t think about your parents, Mal chastised herself time and time again, begging herself to stop picking at the wound, the rift in her soul, the hole in her heart. The crushing weight of the realisation that she may never see her parents again was slowly bringing her down until she could barely drag herself out of bed. Without friends to talk to and support her, it got progressively worse. All of a sudden, even breathing seemed like too much of a chore.
The isolation had only made Mal’s Akraansir side grow stronger, and it was so much effort to keep it quiet that sometimes Mal would just give up and let it take over while lying in her bed, holding tightly onto the bed post to keep herself tethered to reality as the darkness exploded and left nothing intact. Mal hated giving over control like this. It reduced her to nothing but a shivering, shaking ball in a deep corner of her mind, pleading for some form of respite from the avalanche. But she did it time and time again, not just because she was sick to death of fighting, but because it made her feel something. It took her loneliness and morphed it into a rage and hatred so powerful there was no room for pain.
One evening, Mal was studying in the library as the stars blazed brightly overhead, scanning the inky text in front of her for anything that would help her improve her magic quicker. She’d taken to spending long nights in the library, partially because the books reminded her of her dad and made her feel less alone. It provided her with a distraction and made her feel like she was actually doing something helpful.
“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” came a voice. Mal looked up and saw Trixie standing a safe distance away, clutching a mug of tea so tightly her knuckles were white. Clearly being around Mal made her uncomfortable and angry and after what she’d done to Thomas, Mal didn’t blame her, but Trixie was still doing a bad job of covering her concern. Trixie was a naturally observant person and she hadn’t missed the dark circles developing under Mal’s eyes, nor the apathy that followed her around like a shadow.
“I could say the same to you,” Mal said awkwardly. She hadn’t spoken to Trixie in forever, and she was desperate to fix the friendship she had destroyed, but she didn’t know how. Nonetheless, a spark of hope ignited itself. This could be her chance to get back what she had lost. Before Trixie could leave, Mal blurted out her apology. “I’m really sorry about what I did to Thomas. I know this is difficult to understand but I didn’t mean to. I was just emotional and angry and I promise I’ll never do it again. I’ve honestly felt terrible about it for weeks, and even though I know I don’t deserve it do you think you can forgive me?” Mal’s voice broke with the last few words she spoke, and to stop herself from losing it completely she clenched her fists and waited anxiously for Trixie’s judgement.
A massive wave of relief crashed through her when Trixie’s fingers relaxed around the mug she was carrying and she sat down on the chair opposite to Mal. Her eyes still betrayed her anxiety and caution, but at least she was attempting to mend the broken shards of this friendship, just as Mal was. “It’s really difficult for you without your parents, isn’t it?” Trixie said softly. “I can’t imagine what it would be like if I lost Allie.”
Mal swallowed the lump in her throat along with a snide remark and nodded. Trixie’s mouth set into a hard line and a flash of unidentifiable emotions flashed through her eyes like a splash of sunlight before she said “I know how you can get them back.”
Mal’s head snapped up. Her spine straightened. She hardly dared to believe what she had heard. Was there hope? Could she really get her parents back? She struggled to contain the optimism that was swelling in her chest. She didn’t think she could handle it if it turns out Trixie was wrong. After all, she was only ten. Mal sternly reminded herself of these things as she said “do you really? How?”
Trixie looked slightly uncomfortable, like she was waging a war with herself, weighing up every word before it left her lips to see if she was revealing too much or if it was better left unsaid. “There’s a market that happens on the night of the full moon every month down in the city. There are some objects there that could help you enhance your magic, and then you could fight Akraansir and actually stand a decent chance of beating him and getting your parents back. It’s technically illegal, but...do we have a deal?” Trixie’s voice became faster and faster with every word she spoke, her words tumbling over each other like water over rocks, and when she’d finished her speech she thrust out a trembling hand for Mal to shake.
Mal peered at Trixie’s face. She was paler than usual, and with her wide, wild eyes and matted hair she looked ins
ane. “How did you find out about the market?” Mal asked.
Trixie’s face closed. No emotions made it to the surface as she said “don’t ask questions. This is your only chance to get your parents back. Are you in or not?” Mal hesitated for a split second before gripping Trixie’s hand in her own. Trixie let out a big sigh of relief and sunk back into her chair, looking at Mal with the ghost of a smile trailing across her lips. Mal shoved the books she had been studying to one side and demanded that they start planning straight away, but Trixie refused and told her she needed to get some sleep.
Even as she lay down and closed her eyes in her dark room, Mal found it impossible to sleep, but finally it was for a different reason than the fear of the nightmares that peppered her nights with poison. Buzzing with equal parts anxiety, excitement and anticipation, she played idealistic scenarios in her head over and over until she convinced herself that the small spark of hope Trixie had given her could transform into a full-fledged fire to burn away the hurt of these last few weeks. She refused to pay any attention to the doubtful yet realistic parts of her brain that whispered words of caution, and just as the first rays of sunlight started to seep through the curtains, Mal fell asleep.
Chapter 19
As Mal ate her breakfast alone in a corner of the hall the next day, Trixie brought Thomas over to her table. Thomas refused to meet Mal’s gaze, instead his eyes flickered from table to table uncomfortably, clouded with his doubts and fear. Every now and then he’ d seem to screw up his courage and try to let his eyes fix on Mal’s sincere expression, but after registering the fact that her dark eyes were scrutinizing his face he’d drop his eyes again and a flash of regret and frustration would light up his face. He wanted to be stronger than this, he just didn’t know how.
“Thomas, Mal has something to say to you,” Trixie prompted, tugging Thomas forward in an encouraging yet stern manner. That was when Mal realised that the two of them were holding hands, Thomas gripping Trixie’s fingers so tightly that it caused a grimace of pain to crash across her face. But she wouldn’t let go. They both knew that. At the sight of their intertwined hands, Mal felt her heart break a little more. Had she really affected Thomas that badly that he couldn’t come anywhere near her without using his friends as a tether to reality, a shill in which to place his fears so he couldn’t run away?
Mal repeated her apology to Thomas, saying basically the same thing she’d said to Trixie when they were in the library, studying his features intently for any sign that she was getting through to him and chipping away pieces of the wall he had built between the two of them. She found herself desperately scrabbling for words when his face gave nothing away, trying to find the perfect combination of letters that would allow him to trust her again even though she knew she didn’t deserve it. When her explanation drifted into awkward silence, like a boat that bobbed too far into unknown waters, Thomas finally looked up from the spot on the floor he’d been staring at. With a start, Mal realised his eyes were filled with tears. Before she could allow her concern to morph into words of comfort, Thomas simply smiled and nodded and then left, bringing Trixie with him. Even though no words had passed between them, Mal knew she had been forgiven.
Rose came up to Mal a few minutes later and clapped a strong hand to her shoulder, making Mal choke on the water she had been drinking and it spilt all over her shirt. While she tried to dry it, Rose said “I’ll see you at training tonight, okay?” Mal looked up in surprise and stuttered out an agreement. Rose’s tone still had a hard edge to it that told her she still wasn’t completely forgiven, but nonetheless she smiled at her and walked away out of the hall. Dallas arrived seemingly out of nowhere and dropped himself in the chair across from Mal without a word. Mal smiled at him, but he didn’t return the gesture and didn’t talk to her for the rest of the meal. That was okay. Mal could tell there was still some work she needed to do before she’d earned the forgiveness of either Rose or Dallas, and she was willing to do that. At least she wasn’t so alone anymore.
After she’d finished her breakfast, Mal got up and found Trixie in the crowd of people that were already leaving the hall. Mal thanked her for giving her the chance to apologise to Thomas. Trixie smiled slightly and said “I didn’t want us to leave without that.”
“Should we meet up again to discuss plans?” Mal asked, lowering her voice and with it the chances of people hearing them.
“I’m working on it,” Trixie said in an almost-whisper. “I’ll let you know.” Before Mal could quiz her further, Trixie melted off into the crowd and Mal lost her. Feeling slightly annoyed that someone three years younger than her was treating her like this, and that in actuality she had every right to be, Mal went back to the training rooms where she met Rose who wanted to spar with her, mainly because it was very easy for her to completely kick Mal’s ass. Even though by the time Mal handed the victory to her opponent she felt like she’d been put in a blender, she noted with quiet pride that it had taken Rose much longer and a lot more effort than usual to defeat her. She was getting better. She carried that comforting thought with her the rest of the day, using it as armour against the darker parts of her brain.
But her defence became weaker and weaker as the days slipped by like water through fingers. Trixie still hadn’t let Mal know what she was planning, and Mal was getting impatient. The restlessness filled her to the brim and she didn’t know what would happen when it finally spilled over, so she was immensely grateful when Trixie told her that they were leaving that night. But with the relief came a sudden burst of fear, as if someone had shot it into her veins with a syringe. She did her best to dampen it down, but as the sky grew darker so did her thoughts until she found her hands fluttering as much as her pounding heart.
Trixie had moved back into their room the night before, so at dinner the two of them finished rather quickly and left the hall, Mal a few minutes after Trixie so as not to raise too much suspicion. She met Trixie back at the room, where they sat cross-legged on Mal’s bed and went over their ideas a bit more until they knew the plan inside and out. Then they changed into dark clothes and sneakers and Trixie pulled out two silk capes with hoods from her bag. They both had black fabric on the inside, but one of them was red on the outside and the smaller one was purple.
“Be careful with this one, it’s my mum’s,” Trixie explained as she handed the red cape to Mal, who used the clip at the front to fasten it around her neck. The soft fabric swished against her skin and made her shiver. Trixie’s bright red hair clashed brilliantly with the purple on her hood as she pulled it up over her head. Mal copied her, and the two of them left the room, keeping their footsteps as quiet as possible as they snuck through the building.
Seeing Tenebar at night when the crowds had dispersed was a strange experience. It seemed that all the colour and life had been leeched from the very walls, turning it into an empty and desolate tomb until the sun rose once more. Mal winced every time her feet landed on the floors. No matter how hard she tried, the sound was always too loud and echoed throughout the empty space like the reverberations of a heart in a ribcage. Trixie, who was bounding along in front of her with elfin-like grace, shared none of her qualms. Keeping their backs to the wall with their eyes and ears open, they cautiously crept to the main entrance and slipped through the door. Mal instantly tightened her cape around her as a defence against the cold night wind. Twigs snapped and leaves crunched underfoot as they marched through the forest, led only by the dim glow of the full moon overhead. Mal fingered the empty space at her hip where her dagger should be. Trixie had told her not to bring any weapons as the people at the market would take it as an offense and most certainly attack them both. As a result, Mal felt completely vulnerable, and afraid.
Soon their footsteps were echoing off of the pavers on the streets as they wound their way around houses, taking side streets that smelt peculiar but lessened the chances of them being followed or found. The city was buzzing with life and energy. Blazing streetlights illumin
ated the cars zooming past and cast shadows on the tired faces of the crowds stumbling through the streets. Mal kept her head down and stuck close to Trixie’s shimmering purple cape. Away from the crowds, the moon shone much brighter now that it didn’t have to compete with the lights spilling from every window. Mal jumped as a stray cat shrieked from somewhere in the maze of dirty cobbled passageways.
Trixie slipped behind an old, overflowing dumpster that teemed with rats. The smell made Mal gag as she followed Trixie through the gap and into a small alleyway so narrow her shoulders brushed against either side as she stumbled through. Trixie pulled the hood on her cape up, so Mal did the same just before they burst into a large square packed with rickety stalls and teeming with life and sound. Fairy lights were strung up above them in an elaborate criss-cross pattern; like it was the spider web and they were the flies. The glow of the fairy lights was dimmed by the cloud of multi-coloured smoke that hung over their heads; grey mist shot through with startling swirls of every colour imaginable. Mal couldn’t see where the smoke was coming from, but she was grateful that it was above their heads so she could still clearly see around her. She had always thought that her father’s office contained the most strange and wonderful artefacts from all over the world, but that was until Trixie had brought her here. Large golden boxes that contained who-knows-what, creatures that looked like mistakes of nature but were somehow still beautiful, and silver jewellery that claimed to provide the owner with eternal luck, wisdom or power.