by J. L. Ostle
“You better, but I get it, she is one of a kind.” Yeah, yeah she is. “I still can’t believe you never tapped that, though. Three years of watching her fuck other guys but you, bet that doesn’t do anything good for your ego.” Yeah, at first I would get pissed that she was sleeping with other guys, but I know what we have; it doesn’t compare to what we do behind closed doors with other people.
“Trust me, it didn’t, at first. But now, I know sex would ruin it.”
“But if she said she wanted you to fuck her till the sun comes up, would you?”
“I wouldn’t think twice,” I answer honestly.
“Thought so.”
Raven
I look at myself in the mirror, taking in deep breathes, and when the first notes start to play of Euphoria by Loreen, I let the music take over my body. The sound seeps into me and I start to move. I let everything wash away as I glide over the laminate floor.
I use the space and dance my heart out. The music goes faster and I move to the beat, to the rhythm. I love how my only thoughts are music. Everything else gone. I twirl and spin and keep going, feeling the adrenaline pump through me, feeling that high that I always get. This is the one thing where I can just be me.
No lies, no hiding.
I’ve been dancing since I could walk; perfecting myself over the years, learning that I shouldn’t think, just move, and that’s what I’m doing now. I’m letting the song guide me, letting it take me to a place that feels like peace. I feel the sweat gliding down my back but I don’t care. I push myself.
I go on my tiptoes as the song comes towards an end and start to spin my body, my right leg stretched out, giving me the anchor to keep spinning until the song slows and I stop in a finished pose. I take in a few deep breathes and shake my head at my reflection in the mirror.
I’m back in the now, to my reality. My blood still pumps so I wait for the next song to play and I dance and move until my legs feel like jelly. Once I’m done, I sit on the floor and stretch out my legs. Dancing has made me pretty flexible, so I do the splits and lean my body over one leg before switching to the other. When I feel like my limbs have loosened up, I stand and am startled to see a woman watching me.
“Can I help you?” I ask, walking to the side of the room. I grab my bottle of water, drinking half, my eyes still trained on her.
“You were magnificent; you do this professionally?” I look at her, seeing her in a dark pantsuit, her hair blonde but starting to turn grey.
“No, I just do this for fun, to help me get away from the real world, you know?” I take another sip of my drink and grab my bag and things.
“You are really talented; you shouldn’t keep this hidden. You have such grace and emotion, it was beautiful.”
“Thanks, I guess. I’ve been dancing my whole life, think this is the only place that I am near graceful.” I chuckle and head towards her as she is standing near the exit.
“I hope to see you dance again.” She gives me a sincere smile.
“If you hang around here, you will. This is my sanctuary.” I’m about to leave when she introduces herself as Linda Armstrong and we shake hands.
“I do hope to meet you again.” I watch her walk away. That was weird. I head to the locker room and take a very hot shower.
Once I’m back in my day clothes, I put away my dance clothes back in my bag with my ballet shoes. I take out my makeup bag and look into the mirror and this is where I see my old self, the self I’m trying to make sure I hide.
I use foundation to perfect my skin, I take out my eyeliner and mascara to darken my eyes, and I finish with a clear lip gloss. It’s surprising how much makeup can change your appearance. When I’m finished, I look back in the mirror and see the girl I am now. I put everything away and grab my things and head out the door. I grab a cab and head back home.
I throw my dance clothes into my place, close the door, and take the elevator to the top floor. To Jonny’s apartment. Taking out my key card, I open the door and hear moaning in the main bedroom immediately upon entrance. I walk to the kitchen and make myself a coffee as I wait. Trust me, this is not the first time I’ve walked in here to moaning and screaming in the next room.
I make myself at home on the couch and start looking at Facebook on my phone. Sometimes I think Jonny does this on purpose. He knows when I’ll be here, but I know he has his kinks.
His main kink is me.
He’s told me that he likes knowing when I’m here, like it’s wrong in a way, knowing I can hear what goes on behind closed doors. He has one other kink that he tries not to ask of me, but has on occasion before I have time to think about it. I look up when I hear him walk into the room. He’s wearing nothing but his black boxer shorts, showing off his toned stomach and muscular arms. His body really is perfection. I stand and walk slowly towards him and he doesn’t move a muscle. We’re both fucked up. Its why we are so drawn to one another. It’s a fact I accepted years ago.
We both have issues that neither of us is willing to share. At times when I look into his eyes, I see darkness; I see the past that he is trying to hide. I guess misery likes company. We enjoy playing games with one another, we get a sick kind of pleasure out of it. I stand in front of him, feeling the heat radiate off him. I place my hand on his chest and I feel his heart beating faster as I slowly start to glide it down. I move faster when I get close to the top of his boxers but his hand grabs my wrist, bringing my body flush to his. I look into his eyes and they are penetrating into mine.
“Did you think of me? Did you hear me come in? Did it turn you on knowing I could hear every moan? Hear you fuck someone else?” I turn my head to the side, still looking up at him, my mouth close to his, but he doesn’t say a word. “Did you make her come? Was her pussy tight and warm?” His hand grips me tighter, but I don’t try and move.
“What’s going on?” I hear a voice to the side. I’m assuming it’s the girl he just slept with, but neither one of us moves. I quirk up my eyebrow but his eyes stay on mine. I turn to the girl, seeing just the bed sheet wrapped around her. She is very pretty; long brown hair, a hint of that babyish look to her. She must be a sophomore if I’m guessing correctly.
“Hi, just catching up with my friend here, I’m Raven by the way.” I give her a small smile and look at Jonny to see his eyes are still on mine.
“Hi, I’ve heard of you. Nice to meet you.” I feel that pang in my gut. That guilt. I can tell by her voice that she’s a nice person, a good person. I can always tell the difference between a good girl and a bitch. A bitch ignores you or tries to appear better than you, but this girl isn’t doing that. She doesn’t deserve this freak show.
“Likewise, I’m going to go, leave you two to it.” I take a step back but Jonny is still holding my wrist and grips tighter. I glare at him.
“I think you should go.” He’s looking at me, but I know he’s talking to her.
“But I thought…” I look down to the floor. Why did he have to fuck a good girl, why couldn’t it be some two faced whore?
“You thought wrong.” Witnessing this pisses me off. He’s being a dick right now. I snatch my arm back and walk to the girl. I can see the tears that start to prickle her eyes. I know what she expected. What she thought. I bet Jonny charmed her, being sweet and nice, and now she is seeing his true colors. This is why I don’t let any fucker get near my walls.
All men are dicks.
“Come on.” I take her hand and guide her back to the bedroom. I see the bed messed up but my eyes focus on the girl’s clothes and I gather them up for her. She tells me thanks as she dresses and I look out the window to give her some privacy.
“I can’t believe I fell for all that shit he spewed. I bet you think I’m just some slut,” the girl says, her voice a little shaky. I turn to see her dressed, sitting on the bed, playing with her hands. I almost fall over when, for that mere second, I see myself instead. I have to shake my head to clear my thoughts.
“Men are dicks, they on
ly think about one thing and that’s how long until they get in-between your legs. Can I give you some advice?” I sit next to her and she turns her head to look at me. I really do feel bad for her.
“Yes, please.” I place my hand on hers.
“Don’t let people take advantage of you. In this world, you need to be strong. Remember, men will say anything and do anything to make you think they are perfect but nine times out of ten they aren’t. The good ones are those who don’t try to sleep with you within a few hours of talking to you. Let them wait. If they truly care, then they will wait for you.” She smiles at me and I smile in return.
“Why are you being so nice to me? I’ve heard things about you and, well, you’re definitely not what I expected. You’re so… nice.” I chuckle and look up at the ceiling.
“Don’t tell anyone about this, I do have a reputation to keep, but I am only nice to the ones that deserve it. I know I may seem like a scary bitch, but that’s just to keep the assholes away from me. And to warn people if they try and hurt me, I will hurt them right back. Remember what I said and you will be fine. I know Jonny was a dick and I apologize on his behalf; he only fucks, he doesn’t do relationships. Typical man huh?” We laugh.
“He isn’t like that with you. I saw how you two were, you seem so involved, so close, more emotionally than physically.”
“He’s my best friend; he is good to me, he saved me, and I think in a way, I saved him. We are messed up, but nothing more.” She nods then stands.
“I can see why he likes you. I do think there is something there, though. I’ve read a lot of books; I know this stuff.” I chuckle.
“I read lots of books, too and, trust me, I’m not the typical heroin and he isn’t the bad boy who is going to confess his love to me.”
“The real world sucks sometimes.”
“Yeah, it does.” I stand and she surprises me with a hug.
“Thank you again, for all this. You made a shitty situation better. Hope to see you around.” I give her a genuine smile.
“I’m sure you will.” I grab her hand and take her back out into the living room where Jonny is leaning against the opposite wall, watching us both. I ignore him and walk her to the front door. She hugs me one more time and leaves. I close the door and turn around glaring at him; his eyes are still on me. Right now his eyes are pissing me off.
“Why the fuck did you fuck her? With all the easy, nasty, whores out there you choose a sweet girl. You are even more fucked up than I thought,” I spit out. He walks towards me, looking just as angry as I am.
“You’re the person who said who I fuck is my business, so why the fuck should you care who I fuck now?” he seethes at me.
“I don’t, but if you fuck with good people, you are just fucked up in general. Don’t sleep with the good girls, it’s not fair.”
“Fair? If I don’t fuck them, then some other ass will. If the girl is willing to drop her panties after a few compliments, then it’s her own doing.” I have never been this angry with him before but what he is saying takes me over the edge and I slap him with such force my hand stings at the contact. He looks at me in shock that I actually hit him then pushes me against the door, his breathing coming in fast.
“You fucking hit me.”
“You deserved it. Yes, some good girls will fall for a few lines but that’s just because they’re hoping for a happily ever after. They hope something good will happen from it. You just shit all over that. I never expected this from you. I can’t even look at you.” I push his chest with all my might and he takes a few steps back away from me. I open the door but freeze when he speaks.
“It happened to you, didn’t it? Some guy hurt you.” I turn and look into his eyes and for once, they have softened. It’s rare that I get to see him like this. But I hate it, I don’t want his pity.
I don’t answer him. I turn and walk out the door. I hear him shout my name but I ignore him. I head to the elevator and press the button, the doors luckily opening straight away, and I step inside. When I turn, I see him standing there. He doesn’t chase after me, and after the doors close, part of me feels hurt that he didn’t.
Jonny
I watch her leave, and I feel this pain in my gut; I feel something that I have never felt before.
I feel guilt. I know that everything she said was right, but me and my damn pride have to be right all the time, even though I know what she said is true. I’m fucked up, I know this, but I guess seeing it in the one person’s eyes that means more to me than anything makes me see this thing that I’m trying to keep hidden. I pull my hair and groan into the quiet space.
I shouldn’t let her get to me, but she does. She makes me see things in a different light. Yeah, I fucked that girl: she was willing. But watching Raven look at her with such care, like a friend would do even though she was a complete stranger to her, tore me up.
The one thing nagging at me is that some asshole hurt her. Who would want to hurt this beautiful person? She’s beautiful on the inside as well as out. Yeah, she has a mouth on her, she gives what she can take, but I know she’s a good person. She has proved her kindness over the years.
I have lived in darkness for so long, when I first saw her and got to know her, I saw this light. Every day that lightness shines through me, shining through my darkness. Taking me away from the shadows. It makes me angry knowing some guy may have broken her in some way. I can’t ask, I would never make her tell me what she isn’t willing to share; she never pushes me about my past.
I sit on my couch, leaning my arms on my legs as I think about what I’m going to do. I hate that she is upset with me. We always argue, it’s how we work, but she has never walked away from me angry. I look up and see the picture on my wall of the two of us. She’s looking up at me as I stare into the camera. I can see how genuine her smile is, how her eyes beam up at me, seeing me as something to be proud of. I love that picture.
I know what I have to do. I grab my phone and card key and head to the door. I need to talk to her, I need to make things right. I can’t let her leave things like this.
Raven
I’m still angry. I slam the door to my apartment closed with more force than necessary then walk to the middle of the room and scream, letting the pent up frustration release. I know what Jonny is like; I’ve been close to him for the last three years, trust me, I know he can be a dick. From the outside, you would think he is the quiet mysterious type. He doesn’t really talk that much unless you are a friend or a girl he is trying to get with.
I’m used to seeing him with other girls but today was different; today he crossed the imaginary line that I’ve created in my head. I don’t know if I’m angrier with myself or with him. I try really hard to be this persona that I created, but I guess the girl who I used to be will always be there. I don’t give a fuck if he sleeps with all the nasty bitches out there, they deserve what comes to them.
As the saying goes, karma is a bitch.
I look around my home and feel like smashing the place up. It’s not even mine, it’s his. Everything is his. I hate that I even classify myself as his. I’ve always known where I stand with him, but I feel like I’ve seen him in a different light now. A light that I wish I had never seen.
I think back to when I first met him. It was a month after transferring here, the first day of my new identity. I wore makeup as a shield, to keep what happened to me from ever happening again. I was walking down the hallway trying to make sure I got to class on time when I banged into him. I mean literally banged into him.
I fell on impact, landing on my ass, and when I looked up, I saw him bending down, holding a hand out for me to take. Once my hand touched his, I felt a spark, an electric pull. But then I saw that smirk on his face and I knew he was bad news. He was a player, an ass. I knew in that second that he probably hurt women emotionally. I didn’t need that in my life. I wanted to move on from my past and I didn’t think he would help with that.
He was persistent, wai
ting for me after class, and one day he showed up at my dorm room. I had a nightmare of a roommate; she fucked a different guy every single night. I had trouble sleeping, hearing them screaming and moaning. I always felt my skin crawl by how the guys looked at me, thinking I would join in or something. When Jonny showed up, a guy had me pinned against a wall, not taking no for an answer, and he saved me; he beat the guy up so effortlessly.
He took me for a coffee and I don’t know if he just caught me at a vulnerable time or what, but I told him about my roommate and the men she brought home and he didn’t like a single word I said; that’s when he offered me the apartment rent free, explaining it's his dads building, his future building. I did say no, but after another night of hearing my roommate at it, I caved.
It didn’t stop Jonny from trying to get with me, but I told him I was never going to sleep with him and that friendship is all I can offer. I even told him he could have the apartment back, but he refused.
As our friendship got stronger, so did my fake identity.
He doesn’t like the fact that I “sleep” with other guys since I turned him down, but he never questions it. With his reputation and who he is, it was like having a bodyguard, protection. No one messed with me knowing who I was friends with. It was like people were afraid of him. He can be one scary man if you cross him but I know he would never hurt me. One drunken night he admitted I was precious to him.
I head to my room and strip from my clothes, putting on my short, short pj's and tank before sitting down on the couch. I should hate him but I can’t. He means too much to me. I’m just disappointed in him. I’m even more fucked up then I thought. I rely on him; without him and Caron I wouldn’t have anyone. I’m still lost in my own thoughts when a knock sounds on my door. I open it to Jonny standing there. I can see how sorry he is. I open the door wider to let him in, but he comes to me and wraps his arms around me.