by J. L. Ostle
“I just want to get this over with. I just want to start.” I tell her. I feel her tighten the last restraint on my wrist and she walks to the other table in the room where the equipment is waiting.
“Have you done something wrong that you feel you need to be punished? Did you hurt your submissive?” she asks as she plays with each whip, cane, and belt.
“I’m not here to get studied, you willing to do this or not?” I grunt at her.
“You are lucky that I will be punishing you. I do so much worse for people who talk to me in that manner. You came to me, remember, so know your place.” I want to say something back but I don’t. I hold it in. “Good boy. So what is your safe word?” I think about Raven and watching her fall over and over in my head.
“Black, I pick black.”
“How fitting. A dark man, with a dark past. I’ve heard rumors about you, Stone. I am going to enjoy every single moment of this. Future CEO, a powerful dominant, how the mighty has fallen.” I feel a belt lash across my back but I don’t make a sound. “It’s okay to make noise, I like hearing the pain from my toys.”
“I’m not your toy, now hurry and do it again.” I feel the lash on the bottom of my back.
“Will be my pleasure.” I don’t know how many times she lashed me or how many times she caned me, but I never said my safe word. I closed my eyes and all I saw was Raven. Her grey eyes looking at me. The eyes she uses to look at me with trust. The look she gave me in her room. The hospital. Every time, she looked at me differently; each time I felt like she was pulling away from me.
Raven
I haven’t seen Jonny since he dropped me off at Caron’s. I was surprised that he never came to crash our girly time. I feel like my old self again; well, my newish old self. Talking to Caron about everything put things in perspective. I walked back to my apartment, even though Caron offered for me to stay longer, I wanted to clear my head and be on my own.
I walk to my room and turned on my laptop to check my Facebook. I open my desk drawer and see the business card from Linda and I play with it through my fingers. I grab my phone and call the number and after a few rings, she picks up.
“Hello?”
“Hi Linda. It’s Raven. You gave me your business card.”
“Yes, hi. I was thinking you were never going to call. Have you decided to join my academy?”
“That’s the thing. I don’t think I will be. My life is a little complicated at the moment and I don’t think I’m ready to leave it behind,” I tell her.
“It’s a guy isn’t it?” I open and close my mouth like a fish. “It’s okay, I understand. It’s hard to leave loved ones behind. I wish I could change your mind, but I know I can’t. I will tell you this; if it doesn’t work out with you and him, the offer is always open.”
“Thank you. Thank you for offering me this huge opportunity.”
“You deserve this opportunity but we will be here whenever you are ready.”
“Thank you.”
“Good luck with your future.” She hangs up. I still hold the phone to my ear and the card in my hand.
I made a choice and I chose him. I just need to get the nerve to tell him how I feel. If he doesn’t return my affection, then friends we shall be, but things will change. I couldn’t watch him have sex with anyone. I would stop talking to him like I do. It was fun messing with him, pushing his buttons, knowing he wanted me, but now things are different.
I am different.
I put the phone down and tuck the card in my purse just in case; no harm in having a backup if years down the line I want to try it out. I click on my Facebook and start looking through the newsfeed when my Skype starts ringing. I look at the name and feel the excitement shoot through me. I press accept and see Emma looking at me with a huge smile on her face.
“Damn, I still can’t get over how different you look.” She shakes her head.
Emma still looked the same but she cut her platinum blonde hair into a pixie haircut with pink streaks through it.
“Wait, hold on. I grab my reading glasses from my desk and tie my hair into a bun on the top of my head. I take off my leather jacket and put on one of my gray cardigans and sit back down.
“How do I look now?” I try and pose.
“Like the old Raven. So how is the new Raven doing? You hooked up with that friend of yours yet?” She chuckles.
“I think New York changed you, you are just like my friend Caron.” I chuckle at her and she laughs.
“New York is amazing. I know Caron and I would get along well, but you still haven’t answered my question?” I sigh. “Something is up, what’s wrong?” God, she knows me too well, even after all these years.
“My life is complicated at the moment. It doesn’t help that you know who sent me a little gift.” I lift my hands and do air quotes.
“Please tell me it isn’t Lindsey?” I feel my blood turn to ice by just hearing her name.
“No, it wasn’t her.” I try and swallow the bile that comes up my throat.
“It was that dick wasn’t it?” Her voice goes stern.
“Shit, I thought I had a foul mouth.” I try and joke but she looks at me, shaking her head.
“What does he think he’s playing at? Doesn’t he know that he hurt you enough?”
“Well, it was a photo and a letter but Caron threw it away. I’m just going to ignore it. Anyway, how are you, how’s life?” She looks at me like she wants to say more but luckily she doesn’t. She gushes about a new job working at the hospital, about the guy she is seeing, and I’m happy her life is coming together. I can’t stop but wonder why I haven’t figured mine out yet.
“How come you haven’t told Jonny anything? You filled in Caron but every time we spoke, you said how much he saved you when you first got there, how amazing he is. Why haven’t you let him in?”
“Because I know how he will react, I don’t need a knight in shining armour to save me from my past. I’m dealing with it. I know he will drag it up, want to know where these people live, etc. Plus, how am I supposed to say oh, by the way Jonny, for the last three years I’ve lied to you. I’m not the girl you think I am. I am really a goody, goody who doesn’t sleep around, who actually enjoys doing homework and reading a good book instead of partying. Oh, and before you, I would never be able to have had the nerve to watch someone have sex and speak in sexual innuendos with them. Oh, and to top it all off, I had three bullies who physically hurt me; that left my arms and legs covered with bruises, and drugged me to take dirty pictures with drunk guys at a party. Do you know how crazy that’s sounds?” I mumble out sarcastically and Emma’s eyes are wide open, pointing frantically at the screen. I turn around and see Jonny standing there, breathing heavily, shaking his head at me.
“So you lied to me for three years?” I look into his eyes and they have gone near black. He looks angry but, most of all, hurt. “The girl I have been hanging around with, taking on getaways to give her what she needs, the girl I have talked to, got close to doesn’t exist?”
“Jonny, you don’t understand.” I stand up.
“Understand what, that you are a fucking liar? You didn’t sleep with those guys did you?” I look to the floor. “Did you?” he shouts at me and tears start to fall as I shake my head.
“No, I didn’t.” He fists his hands in his hair.
“You are really some good girl, some geeky girl?” He swipes his hand up and down my body. “No wonder why I have started to see you differently; you’ve been slipping up, letting the old you out. The way we talked, the way you teased me, messing with me, was it a game?”
“No, of course not. I just needed you to stay my friend. You liked the back talk and how I acted. I had to keep you in my life.” I try to walk to him but he takes a few steps back.
“Need me for what? Money?” I look at him with my mouth hanging open.
“I never once asked you for money or to buy me things,” I say defensively.
“No, but you live here re
nt free, I took you to nice places, you never paid once.”
“Because you wouldn’t let me.”
“Because I thought you were my friend!” he shouts again.
“I am,” I whisper.
“Friends don’t lie about who they are. I have told you who I am, what I am, and you could have told me the truth. I would have still been your friend. Do you think so little of me?” I blink away tears.
“I was scared.”
“To find out the last three years was a lie, that the time we spent together, the laughing, the jokes, it was one big ugly lie. I look at you now and I don’t even know who you are.” His voices soften.
“I’m still me. I’m both girls; the girl you kissed, the girl at the dungeon, that was me. I wanted those things. I wanted them with you,” I plead with him. “I need you, I’m your light remember? You were drawn to me, we need each other. Please don’t leave me. If you leave, you will be taking away a part of me with you.” I say the line he said to me all those years ago.
“I think I have dragged you too far into my darkness. If you would never have met me, would you have still been this girl you created?” I pause to think about it. I think back to when we first met, how he loved that I kept turning him down, how he saved me from that guy who was forcing himself on me.
“I don’t know. I was messed up when you met me. I wanted to stay hidden and, in a way, I guess I did. I hid behind a girl who was strong, who had you to protect her from people who hurt me in the past.” I see his eyes trail down my body. I’m fully covered, not showing one ounce of skin. I bet I look like a librarian right now.
“Did those things actually happen? Did girls do bad things to you?” I nod. “They hurt you?” I nod again. “Did they destroy your light?” He walks closer to me but stays a couple of feet away.
“I thought they did until I met you. They broke me, they damaged the girl I was. I felt like I was unrepairable, but you helped me put myself back together. I am that girl but I am also the girl you know. I never lied about how I felt, about how much you mean to me. I wouldn’t put up with half your crap if it was just for your money.” He chuckles.
“I just feel like I don’t know you anymore.” He cups my cheek.
“You do know me. You know the me that counts. I liked talking back at you, seeing you get angry and annoyed with me. Putting up with my shenanigans. The girl who loves dance movies, who’s obsessed with dancing. That is all me.” I look him in the eyes, showing him me.
“Yeah, no one can lie about liking dance movies and watch them over and over on repeat.” He smiles at me and I close the distance between us, wrapping my arms around him and he kisses the top of my head. “I want you to stop pretending okay? Be you.”
“I will.” I hold him together.
“Sorry to interrupt, but I’m still here.” We both turn to my laptop to see Emma’s face watching us. We all laugh.
“Sorry! Jonny this is Emma, Emma this Jonny.” They both wave to one another.
“Jonny, is it true that Raven and Caron are the only ones that call you Jonny because it gets on your nerves?”
“Yes, and I’ve noticed you called me it, too.”
“Yeah, I don’t like to feel left out.” Jonny rolls his eyes as Emma and I laugh.
Raven
“I need you tell me about those girls,” Jonny says as we sit in the living room.
I’m curled up on one end of the couch as he sits on the other. He still looks at me weirdly, knowing this is how I use to dress. It really is like he is seeing me for the first time and I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, yet at the same time, I am wondering if we can get past this.
“I don’t really want to talk about them. Talking about what they did, how they treated me…” I sigh. “I hate remembering, I hate how those memories are stuck in my head and I can’t get them out. Let’s just say they ruined my childhood.” I look at him and he is sitting forward with his arms on his legs; he turns his head and looks at me.
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I want to know. Please, for me.” I let my head fall back. I know I owe him this. I know he feels betrayed, I would if I was in his shoes, but he needs to understand this wasn’t to hurt him, but for me to feel in control of my life.
“It started when I was eleven. We were at the same school, the same grade, and one day, out of the blue, they just started picking on me. At first it was just names and they would hide my lunchbox, things like that. As a kid, the things they said, it was hurtful, but as we got older, they got worse.” I pause and I feel his hand cover mine.
“You can tell me.” I nod.
“They would start grabbing my arms, pulling my hair; they made sure no one would dare go near me. People feared them. I had only two friends. Emma, who you just met, was one. I couldn’t bare for them to be involved so I made sure they kept their distance when we were at school. But at prom they were almost punished for being friends with me. But you know me; I protect what I care about. They wanted to hurt them but I couldn’t watch them take any of the hurt those girls inflicted on me so I took the punishment. I was stripped and beaten.” His hand tightens in mine “They called me their pet. It was a nickname they made for me. Towards the end, they made me start bowing to them, wanting to show me how much power they had over me. At times, I did cower since I was scared of what they would do to me. I put up with it, thought, since whenever I told anyone, I got hurt. Once they even cut my long hair. They stole my clothes when I had gym class, they would put things in my hair. In my head, all I kept thinking was that once I was in college, they would be far away and I could get my life back, but as fate would have it, they went to the same college as me. There, their jokes became cruel. They made me watch one of them give a guy a blowjob and have the guy go down on them. I was forced to watch; fingers dug into my skull and neck if I once turned.”
“Jesus Christ,” he says, and glares into space. When he looks back at me, he knows I’m not finished. “There’s more?” I nod and feel tears prickle my eyes.
“I went to a café to do some late studying and I must have turned my head for a second as the next thing I know, I felt light; I felt like I was drunk but I wasn’t. I felt someone pick me up and carry me, I could see that I was at a house party or sorority house or something. People were drinking and laughing as I was carried away by someone and no one thought anything about it. When I did start to come to, I was locked in a room with them. They had been drinking; I could smell the alcohol on them.” I think back on it and I close my eyes to get some composure.
“Two of them grabbed me, keeping me standing as they undressed me. They took pictures of me in my underwear and they let guys be in the photos. They touched my breasts but luckily no one touched me down there, think they knew that was a line they shouldn’t cross even though they were already crossing one. Guys licked my neck, the girls just laughed and pointed, telling everyone how disgusting I looked, how pathetic I was. When they tried to rip my underwear, I screamed with everything I had and it must have shocked them; their grip loosened and I sobbed as I ran out of there. I kept on running even though I was half naked; I had to get away. I realized where I was and ran until I felt safe.” I feel the tears falling down my cheeks and Jonny comes to my side and holds me as I cry, swearing under his breath.
“Did you call the police?”
“I did, but as there were loads of witnesses who didn’t want to say what they did to me, they all denied it and it was dropped. No one believed me and thought I was doing it for attention. I couldn’t be around them, so I transferred and that’s how I ended up here.” He stands up and walks to the wall and I watch him cock back his fist and punch it. I hear the sound echo across the room.
“Fucking bitches. How could they do that to you? You did nothing wrong.” He shakes his head. “Wait, that’s why you went all crazy on me when I asked you to watch me fuck someone. I’m just as bad as them.” He tu
rns his back on me but I walk to him, putting my hand on his shoulder.
“No, you’re not, you asked; they forced me. You are nothing like them.” He bows his head.
“I can’t believe you went through all that and yet you’re still so strong. You took charge of your life, you changed who you are so you wouldn’t deal with that again and I screamed at you. I said awful things.”
“Because you felt betrayed, you didn’t know. My past isn’t something I like to talk about as you can see. I’m moving on and you helped me with that. You helped me be stronger.” He turns around and hugs me again.
“I’m glad I can be there for you now. Those girls better never let me find out who they are or I they will pay for what they did to you. I will make them suffer. It’s a good thing they don’t live around here or I would do something I may regret.” I know he would, that’s why I won’t mention ‘him’, the guy who made things worse for me.
“I know you would.” I feel him hold me tighter.
“Why don’t we go to a club and get drunk and dance the night away.” I giggle and nod my head. Alcohol sounds good right about now.
“Sounds like a plan. Let me go get a shower and change.” I kiss his cheek and head to my room to get a few things.
“Oh and Raven,” he shouts out. I turn to him.
“Wear whatever you would normally, not what people expect you to.” I give him a smile and a nod and start gathering my things.
I had a long hot shower and am glad my eyes don’t look all puffy when I get out. Deciding what to wear was tough. I’m not really the girl I used to be, not quite the girl I created. I’m both girls so I dress as both. I decide on a dark blue, strappy dress. I do my hair and decide to just wear a little foundation and lip-gloss.
I walk out to the living room and smile when I see Jonny on the phone. I don’t know what I would do without him. His back is turned to me. I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but I hear him telling whoever is on the other line who he is.