by F P Adriani
“Now hold on—you don’t order me the fuck around. I can take care of myself. That’s all I need is for the cops to see you crowd tailing my ass. And, anyway, I have no idea if one Hera thing’s related to the other.”
“Of course it is,” Hu snapped. And then she shot up from her seat, her eyes falling on Tan first, and lingering there for a moment, before finally falling on me. “I never stay in one place for too long. This meeting’s over now. I don’t think I need to tell you how confidential everything we’ve discussed should remain. We’ll talk more later—I’ll contact you.” With that, she turned around, the shutter slid open, the door opened—and she walked out through the doorway.
“What the hell—is that it then? This is over?” I asked, my eyes wide, my head shooting from one to the other of Hu’s remaining people.
“You heard her,” said Chuck, his eyes making a dagger-like stab at Tan before Chuck also disappeared through the doorway, with Shayla following him, and then the two idiots following her.
Tan and I just looked at each other.
*
A moment later we were walking out the doorway. The Pirate had been waiting down the hall, waiting beside another open door, only the door led to outside this time. “Bye-bye,” he said to us in a sarcastic voice, his right thumb pointing over his shoulder back at the opening.
I frowned hard at him; then I stepped into the doorway, feeling the warm night wind blow up the transport’s ramp and caress my damp face.
*
When Tan and I were finally walking on the ground outside, we heard the transport’s engine start up, saw the pale ground dust whorl as the vehicle’s powerful fans and exhaust pipes got to work. Almost immediately we ran out of the danger zone, but that wound up being unnecessary because the transport didn’t leave right away.
We both stopped running, turned around.
Frowning again, I stared at the cockpit’s big and round dark windows, wondering if the occupants were staring right back at me. “What the hell are they doing?”
“I think you should be asking: where the hell are we?” Tan’s head spun around left and right, at the countryside around us. My eyes followed his head, and then the transport suddenly started taking off in earnest. Seconds later, it was nothing more than a tiny string of dim gold lights and pink-gray exhaust flashing in the dark sky.
Moments later, Tan and I were walking beneath really tall oaks over rocky ground when he suddenly half-stumbled and swore; I grabbed his arm to right his body, but he shook off my hand.
“What’s your problem?” I asked.
“This whole night!” he snapped. And then he kind of turned on me, in the middle of the night, in the middle of the woods. His eyes looked darker than the night air, like two sinkholes in his face as he demanded out of nowhere, “Why am I the last to know when my girlfriend’s shipping herself off to another planet?”
“I tried to talk to you about it that night on the patio. But I think you won’t see reason on this.” I began walking again; there were faint lights through the trees, and they looked like city-ish lights.
“How is that reasonable? Only a crazy person would go off alone there. I despise this Hera shit, but I’m going with you. I’m just gonna take off at The Citadel.”
“No!” I said fast. “Don’t fuck up your job.”
“But I can’t let you go like this, Pia.”
“Long before I met you, I was doing even more dangerous shit than taking a flight to Hera to look for a thief.” Which was true…kind of. But he was too fast for me.
“If it were a simple case of that, okay. But this is beyond that.”
“Which is why I’ve got to fucking find that janitor and clear my name with the Twin Cops. Don’t you see that?”
“No, I don’t—but I do see bright lights up ahead.”
We both walked faster now. And when we reached a dirt road, I realized the transport hadn’t taken us far from the hotel—only to outside the other side of the city. Maybe half-a-mile more of walking and we’d reach a bus station; a bus there could take us near to where I hoped Mike’s car still sat.
But, right now, it was my turn to be pissed. I said sharply to Tan, “You make demands of me, but tell me why when we’ve been fucking for months, you didn’t think I should know your real name. What the fuck is your real whole name?”
“My name now is Tan Onyx—that’s my legal name. But my grandparents did change their Meyer Ming to a new name when they came to Diamond; they added the Onyx. Not long after Arlene and I were involved, I dropped the Meyer Ming. Lots of people change their family names here.”
“Yeah, but Arlene knew your family’s real name, but you’ve never told ME your family’s real name.”
“I didn’t tell Arlene my whole new real name. Not that she couldn’t figure out what it was. Hell, maybe she had—I don’t know. But with you—so what? The topic never came up. And, anyway, that’s normal: people can’t tell other people everything about them within the first two seconds of meeting.”
“This ain’t no two fucking seconds. We’ve been involved for months and months.”
“Yeah, well, apparently that doesn’t warrant your telling me ahead of time when you’re taking off. Arlene knew you were definitely leaving for Hera and I didn’t. How’s that supposed to make ME feel?”
“Well, maybe if I could talk to you more about my work without you having a fit—”
“I don’t have fucking fits—”
“Oh yeah?”
Now we went round and round, continuing to argue like this, when, really, neither of us needed this, especially on top of our experiences of the night.
Suddenly, I just. stopped. talking. I also stopped walking. And Tan stared at me.
Then he sighed. “About my name—sometimes I’m a very private person. I just don’t blab my private shit to people.”
“Well, I’m not people. I’m your girlfriend. And I don’t care how many people change their names. I don’t give a damn about them. I give a damn about my man. …How are you doing anyway?” I shot him a long look, watching his shadowed profile. “Did seeing Hu upset you…well, actually, I really mean: do you still feel something there?” Throughout our arguing, that had been the real question burning inside my brain. And now my lips sort of sucked in on themselves as I waited for his response.
“Yeah, I feel something there: disgust,” he sneered, but, to me, his mouth seemed to be shaking a bit too much.
Now mine started doing the same. But I wouldn’t linger on this subject: the very last thing I wanted to do was make him remember the “specifics” of his involvement with Hu. I could be a jealous person, I was rapidly learning….
I asked him now, “Well then, do you believe what she said? I really don’t know what to think. Julianne must have something important—her mother did. Or why else all these problems? But what can really be done about it? And, well, do you think Hu’s being truthful about everything there?”
“I don’t want to talk about her right now. This Hera shit—”
“Don’t worry. Now I see I can’t go alone. I’m gonna get Mike to come with me.”
“What?!? That’s supposed to make me feel better?”
I sighed—big. “Tan, I’m tired of arguing with you. I’m exhausted. And this discussion hasn’t gone anywhere nice. Look there—I see the bus station.”
*
The rest of that night did not go well either—oh we got home all right. Mike’s car was where it was supposed to be, and I was finally alone in my hotel room, showering off the evening’s events.
However, all the way to my room, Tan and I had continued arguing. We wound up leaving off with him shouting, “All right, go then with goddamn Mike! You never listen to me anyway—even when I try to protect you!” before he spun around and rushed out of my room, his crazy orange wig hairs whipping the doorway’s edge.
I had hoped we could spend being-close-time together before I left for Hera, but now that probably wouldn’t be
possible….
I was sighing as I finished showering. I dried myself, then stood naked before my long bedroom mirror; a deep pink color touched my cheeks, but nearly all the rest of me looked like pale shit. I hadn’t eaten anything since early that afternoon, and I was too tired to remedy that now….
Something flashed through my mind: an image of my legs when I’d bathed in that cave. Before then, while I was stranded in the sand canyon, diamond sand had gotten into my clothing and scratched me as I’d struggled along the ground. Some of my skin had been rubbed quite raw then, and, somehow, tonight, I felt the sting there once again.
Back in the cave, my burning legs had reminded me of an earlier time in my life, so I had immediately blocked the scratches from my memory; that block had lasted all this time. I could do that, block things, if they upset me.
Now I used that ability in order to get through all the shit I had to do over the next few days. As best as I could, I blocked both my memories of the Hu meeting and the tension with Tan. I barely spoke to him, though that wasn’t my fault: he seemed to be avoiding me. I left messages for him but he would only call me back and say he couldn’t talk for long, he had a too-hectic Saturday-Sunday weekend work-shift, yadda yadda yadda….
On Saturday in MSA’s office, Nell kept interrogating me—interrogating me about Tan and about Hu. Only I kept blocking not only my thoughts there, but also my desire to tell Nell anything.
“Pia, you’ve got to talk to somebody,” Nell would say then in a frustrated voice.
But I’d only reply, “I can’t.”
On Sunday afternoon, I decided to go see Julianne again—for some reason, I couldn’t fully block her from my mind.
Unfortunately, when I got to the Castano house, it turned out she, Lori and Roberto had decided to spend the day out in the country on a picnic. When the housekeeper told me this, my heart kind of sank. I really wished I could spend a beautiful day in the country on a picnic! Instead, I had to pack my belongings, make phone calls back at the office, write out instructions for Nell, call Mike to confirm he’d picked up his ticket…my to-do list was too damn long.
I was sighing heavily as I drove back to MSA.
*
On Monday morning, Roberto stopped in—to hand me a check from Lori, a check big enough to last me the next month.
“She said you might need that on Hera,” Roberto told me.
Nodding, I slipped the check into my blazer pocket. “I came by yesterday, but you were all out. You’ve gotten quite comfortable around them, huh?” My eyebrows shot up at him, and his whole face blushed for the second time since I’d known him. If I had been in a better mood, I would have laughed; instead, I just cleared my throat and continued talking. “Has Julianne said if she’s willing to talk more—tell me more information?”
Roberto shook his head.
“Well, while I’m away, you’ll have to coordinate a schedule between you and Darla. Julianne can’t be left alone—ever.”
“I know. But, Boss, I don’t like you going to Hera. You’ll need more than one person with eyes on your back there. Two of those eyes should be mine.” He was blushing again, but this time it looked more like a fatherly flush.
“Roberto, I appreciate your concern, but I really need you to do something for me by tomorrow morning. Call in a favor to your nephew at the Transportation Administration for this partial license-plate number—from that day outside the office—”
“No, Boss,” he said, interrupting me. “No need. I’m supposed to hand you this too. It’s from Lori—but a message from someone else.”
He pulled out a folded piece of plain paper, which said in typed-print on the inside:
Didn’t want to give you this in front of C. Check for John Talbot at Stein Refinery on Hera.
—A
*
After Roberto took off for the Castano place, I called Tan’s house but got no answer. Then I left him a voice message on his portable phone; he called me right back to say he was at work again.
“What?” I screeched. “I thought I’d see you today. You said you’d have off because you worked Saturday and Sunday.”
“I know. But they changed my schedule again; there’s this new huge exhibit—”
“I’m leaving the fucking planet, and you don’t want to see me one more time before I go? I hate the way we left off on Friday!” Now my memory block instantly dissolved, and I thought about it now, about that night. I relived the whole transport scene, trying to remember how his eyes had looked and Hu’s too—did he still feel something for her? Did their eyes ever meet—flash something at each other? In the past they’d orgasmed in front of each other, and just simply thinking that sentence made me feel furious. Tan was mine now!
As if to confirm that thought, Tan said in my ear, “I hate it too. And I love you…” —then there was a “but,” there’s always a “but,” isn’t there— “…but everything’s so fucked up.”
“That’s not the way I see things between us!” My hand death-gripped the receiver. I could have sworn my heart was breaking into a gazillion tiny pieces because he sounded as if he were breaking up with me. And I didn’t know how to stop this. I felt paralyzed, like he’d blow off anything I could say and would break up with me anyway.
So I said nothing. I simply breathed hard over the receiver; so did he.
When I couldn’t stand the word-silence between us any longer, I said, “Look, I’m going. I’ll talk to you—whenever!” then I clicked my talk-off button.
I spent the rest of that day and night in a complete funk, in between bouncing round my hotel room and my office and collecting everything I’d need on Hera: my old equipment from my old life, my Granger, my mirage-coated suitcase, where I now stuffed all the stuff I wasn’t supposed to have on Hera….
I spent a very restless night, depressed over what had happened with Tan, yet adrenaline-excited over the impending Hera trip.
In the morning, right before I bolted out of my hotel room, I had to make one more phone call—to the cops.
I couldn’t get either Burroughs or Shaver on the line, so I left a message for them that I was reporting in about my trip as a courtesy. To my own ears, I sounded so damn official…. Christ, I could be so fake. And I hated myself for that fakeness.
My bags and I finally took a cab to the shuttle-port. I arrived there early for the flight; I was supposed to meet Mike, who was supposed to hand me a list from Derek—a list about Hera. I’d told Mike to meet me just as early, but when I reached the designated meeting spot, Mike was nowhere to be found.
“Shit,” I said, lifting my black blazer sleeve and checking my wristwatch. Mike was over half-an-hour late. Had he misunderstood the time to meet up with me? I’d told him to get here about three hours before the flight at 11:00 AM. For all I knew, maybe he couldn’t subtract too well. I’d never hired him for his math abilities….
I was thinking about him and his possible math abilities when I turned my head and spotted Nell walking fast in my direction.
“Nell!” I burst out happily. We’d said goodbye yesterday when she’d briefly come into the office specifically to say goodbye to me. Yet here she was again…and holding a suitcase in each hand. My shocked eyes trailed over her favorite green traveling-jumpsuit and back up to her face—her grinning face.
“Yep, Mike ain’t coming,” Nell said then. “I’m coming with you instead.”
My brow lowered fast. “No way! It’s too dangerous—”
“I’m not debating this, Pia-babe. I promised Tan I’d look after you. And he was also afraid of you and Mike being alone; he’s superjealous of your having Mike around, in case you don’t know.”
I felt furious at Tan. And he probably knew I’d be furious at this companion switching—maybe that was another reason why he wouldn’t come see me off. “So you might be endangering your child because Tan’s being ridiculously insecure?”
“No—no way. I don’t think you get it: you can’t stop living just
because you’re pregnant. And even if the worst happened, I could probably have another baby. But I can never have another Pia. I’m not leaving my friend swinging in the wind, especially an ugly Heran wind.”
My mouth shook; I felt flabbergasted at what she was willing to do for me. But I still had to dissuade her. “That’s not necessarily true; you know people have difficulty getting pregnant here sometimes, especially more than once.”
“So if I need to, I’ll move to Earth for a year or two. Don’t you worry about it. We’ve got other things to figure out, like finding that janitor so you can get the cops off your butt. Mike and Derek are watching the office, Tan’s watching Derek—he was spoiled by his mom; he can’t live too well without someone picking up after him. And I’ve got your back, just like I’m sure you’ve got mine. So where do I load my bags?” She looked over my shoulder, seemed distracted by over my shoulder. “But before I do that….”
Now my head turned toward where her eyes were fixed—and I spotted both Derek and Tan walking fast in our direction. I heard Nell’s urgent voice behind my left ear: “Pia—let’s have a nice last time before we leave. Tan feels bad and so do you.” My head twisted around and nodded back at her.
When the two men reached us, we both got big hugs, and from each of them in turn. But of course Tan’s arms lingered on me as Derek’s arms lingered on Nell.
“This whole thing’s just two inches short of fucking crazy,” Derek said then as he pulled back from Nell, who only rolled her eyes at him. Now toward me, he said, “Please look out for my Nell and our someday daughter.”
My eyebrows shot up as I smiled a little. “So then you know it’s a girl?”
A light smirk twisted Nell’s face. “Of course it’ll be a girl. Woman power of course! And, anyway, the women in my family usually have girls.”
“I want a little Nell,” Derek said then, pulling her closer. “Though I do love the big Nell.”