He never doubted Keegan loved him and any fear August had about his feelings for Keegan not being real had been snuffed out by the following months.
August knew then, he didn’t just love the man beside him, he lived for him. Just as Keegan lived for August.
It was knowledge that had made understanding Keegan’s guilt difficult, but now August understood. Because despite being told he’d done nothing to cause this, he couldn’t help but feel like he had.
Dr. Winston returned, and August and Keegan moved aside. She palpitated Daisy’s stomach.
“Do you know what’s wrong with her?” August held Keegan’s hand.
“I’m pretty confident she has a uterine infection. It might be from a retained placenta or even a retained fetus.”
August slumped. The joy of having puppies didn’t seem so bright and shiny anymore.
“This isn’t your fault,” Dr. Winston said.
August swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Can you help her?”
“Well.” Dr. Winston took off her gloves and tossed them in the trash. “I want to start her on injectable antibiotic and fever reducer. Put her on fluids and get her stabilized. Then I’d recommend a hysterectomy. Simply because, usually when this happens once, it will happen again.”
“Because she had puppies?”
“If the pyometra hadn’t occurred because of the puppies it could have very well happened when she was in heat. Having the puppies probably kept the infection at bay. A disruption in hormones is often what sets up the animal for developing these sorts of infections. And if it hadn’t been this time, it might have been next time.” She petted Daisy. “Luckily this is open pyometra, which means the infection is draining out of her. If she’d had closed pyometra, she could have died before you ever knew there was anything wrong.”
August nodded. “Can I stay with her?”
Dr. Winston smiled. “I figured you’d want to. I have an office in the back with a cot. I’ll set her up there. Then in the morning if her fever is down, we’ll do the surgery.”
A thought occurred to August. “What about her puppies?”
Dr. Winston glanced at Keegan. “She won’t be able to take care of them for a while, so you’ll need to feed them every two hours.”
“For how long?”
“At least until they can start eating solid food. Probably another two weeks or so you can start transitioning them over.”
“You think she’ll have to stay here for weeks?”
“No.” Dr. Winston petted Daisy’s side. “But she’ll be here long enough there’s a good chance her milk will start to dry up, and you’ll have to be the one to feed the puppies until they can eat.”
And how would August be able to be with Daisy and take care of her babies?
Keegan kissed him on the temple. “You stay here, and I’ll go home and feed the puppies.”Of course, he would. After everything Keegan had risked, sacrificed, in August’s name, taking care of the puppies would be nothing.
But still, it was just more proof August had not made a mistake staying with Keegan, no matter what anyone had said.
August kissed Keegan’s hand. “Thank you.”
*****
Keegan tossed the empty package of replacement milk into the garbage. Feeding the puppies for the last three days, every two hours had used up the milk supply in record time.
Three days. Three very long days. And Daisy still wasn’t stable enough for surgery. Much to Keegan’s dismay, she’d gone downhill during the first night and he’d spent hours on the phone with August while trying to feed puppies.
They’d talked, but mostly Keegan had listened to the man he loved slowly fall apart, his heart shattering into a million pieces because his best friend was on the edge of death.
Keegan couldn’t be sure which of them went to sleep first, but he woke up with the cell phone sitting on his shoulder and a very contented, puppy stuffed in the crook of his arm.
When the phone rang that morning, he’d expected the worst, but Daisy was still fighting despite the high fever and raging infection.
Since Keegan couldn’t sleep, he occupied the lulls in between feeding the puppies with building a whelping box to make it easier to get to them and keep them warm. The rest of the time he spent taking a change of clothes and meals to August.
Three days.
It might as well have been three months.
And now…now Keegan was out of milk, and the puppies would be squealing within the next couple of hours.
No big deal. He’d just get in the car, drive to the Pet Superstore and buy half a dozen bags and larger bottles so he wouldn’t have to stop and refill as often. It was only an hour’s drive down the highway. An hour and a half if the traffic was bad. If it was bad then the crowds at the mall would be brutal. The crowds at the Pet Superstore were always worse.
Ever since Keegan had frozen up at the grocery store, unable to move, he hadn’t dared go anywhere without August unless it was the local mom and pop roadside vegetable stand, the library, or some other nearly desolate location.
Some days he couldn’t even handle the small crowds. At least August didn’t mind picking up the slack, and he’d never made a big deal about how pathetic it was that a six-foot-nine-inch tall man couldn’t do something as simple as going to the grocery store alone.
Wolves, bears, muskeg, brutal subzero temperatures Keegan could deal with. Ten years in the bush had hardened him in ways few survived. But it had taken away a few things as well. It always did. Living out there with his senses on high alert, sleeping on the edge of waking up if a twig snapped, being hyper-aware of his surroundings, had saved his life in Alaska. It had also saved him a few times in prison for the short stint he had been there. But here it was a magnifying glass turning a busy world into absolute chaos.
Keegan picked up the car keys and his wallet from the spindly table by the front door and hesitated with his hand on the knob.
Beyond his and August’s quiet oasis was a world full of people.
Lots of people.
Keegan’s stomach twisted into knots and beads of sweat covered his brow. It took him two tries to get the billfold into his pocket.
He could do this. He had to do this. Those puppies would not last half a day without being fed, and there was no telling when Daisy would be able to come home. If she did ever come home.
Keegan swore Daisy could have every pair of long underwear, shoes, hats, or coat she wanted as long as she pulled through. He’d never bitch at her again. Not for him, but for August.
And if the worst happened, Keegan couldn't take a chance on losing a single puppy.
Outside the frigid air did nothing to pull the fever from Keegan’s skin as he walked to the car and the shaking in his hands had nothing to do with shivering. Every step that took him farther from the cabin was a lance of barbed fear right through his chest.
He counted his breaths, easing each one out in an attempt to loosen the vice crushing his chest.
Keegan had given up on therapy. It seemed the doctors only wanted to tell him what he already knew. This would take time, coping techniques, and a willingness to push himself. Even then there would be setbacks.
It seemed like it there would always be setbacks. Today he couldn’t afford them. Today he did not have a choice.
Keegan made it to the car and braced a hand against the roof. The door was a ton of lead and blistering steel when he pulled the handle and opened it. He lowered himself into the seat, joints creaking against the tightness of muscles in his limbs.
“I can do this.” Keegan put his hands on the wheel. “It’s just a damn store. A damn store with people. Not even any fucking bears.” He laughed, but it was sad even to his ears. Keegan cranked up the car.
His foot did not want to move to the gas. He counted the seconds, the minutes, then tried again. His body obeyed, and he crept up the desolate gravel driveway that was more of a country road and the only access to the nearly hundred a
cres they resided on.
The secondary road leading to the driveway was almost as secluded. And shared by only one other person down the road.
Some of the snow had melted, turning into shallow streams cutting across the blacktop. It wasn’t supposed to get below freezing tonight, but that didn’t always apply this far out and in a higher elevation.
Keegan sped up, cruising at the speed limit, wheels humming on the road, white noise to dull the panic in his mind. His pulse slowed, and the tension forming knots between his shoulders eased. But it was only a lull before the storm.
Flurries drifted in lazy descent from the gray sky. More cars pulled onto the side street leading to the highway. Glowing tail lights dotted the road ahead. Cars sat bumper to bumper waiting for an opening between vehicles on the six-lane highway.
Keegan tapped his fingers against the steering wheel while he inched his way closer to the raging river of automobiles for his chance to dive in. The surrounding cars picked up speed, and he squeezed between a Prius and a semi.
Cars slowed again as he approached his exit, choking the off-ramp into a near standstill. Keegan inched his way to the intersection. The few miles of main road leading towards the mall was another forty-five-minute trek thanks to the people fighting to get into the grocery store parking lot across the street.
The Pet Superstore wasn’t as crowded as it could have been. The rows closest to the front of the store were filled. Keegan parked at the far end.
People wandered in and out of the stores. Some with pets, some with kids, some alone.
Keegan clenched his hands over the steering wheel. Fog collected on the corners of the windshield. Even without his coat, the flannel shirt over long johns smothered him. He opened the door. His sweat-soaked collar threatened to freeze solid as he walked towards the store.
A couple of teenagers grazed a look over him. More people emerged from their cars. The small crowd at the storefront thickened.
Keegan stopped at the buggy return. His heart hammered against his ribs, and the air thinned out. He needed to do this. For Daisy, for the puppies, and most of all August.
This was just a store, some people, a few crowds.
Keegan took a breath and pushed himself forward, across the crosswalk, through the automatic doors.
Laughter and Christmas music grated the air. Dogs barked, a buggy squeaked by, another one with a lame wheel followed up with a grinding complaint. Keegan moved around the small clusters of people, most who were at the front of the store picking up dogs left for grooming or waiting in the check out lane.
There were far fewer people once he passed the middle of the store.
Keegan searched one aisle then the next. He was sure the replacement milk and feeding supplies had been somewhere around here.
“Can I help you?” The blond was cute and petite, almost pretty enough to be a girl. But he was built in sharp angles, and nothing about his voice was feminine. There was a piercing above his right eye, one in the side of his nose, and two hoops in his lips. He wore the standard store uniform, black pants, blue shirt, but his boots were striped in shiny metal. The soles had to add a couple of inches to his height which meant without them he’d barely hit five and a half feet.
“Uh…” Keegan glanced down the aisle. The offending Christmas sign he’d whacked his head on last week was there, but the place where the bottles and milk had been now held rows of dog collars. “Replacement milk. I thought it was down here.” Keegan hadn’t even considered what he was going to do if they’d nixed it from their inventory list.
“Oh, yeah, sure. We moved it to the back.” The store employee motioned for Keegan to follow.
A gaggle of small children ran in front of Keegan. He had to jump back to avoid running them over. The store employee took a right disappearing behind a shelf of dog food. Keegan followed. The guy stood at the far wall.
“This what you need?”
Keegan walked over. “Yeah.”
“Was the puppy abandoned?” The guy handed Keegan a box of milk. He put it back and picked up one of the large bags. “Wow, how many do you have?”
“Eight. And no, they weren’t abandoned. The mom is sick.”
“Oh, wow, that…”
“Sucks?”
The guy nodded. “Yeah, it does. What kind are they?”
“Uh, mixes.” Keegan picked up two more bags.
“Hey, I can carry one of those for you.”
“How about you grab the last one on the shelf.”
The guy did.
“Where are the bottles?” They were no longer with the milk.
“Oh, over here.” The employee led Keegan around the corner.
A variety of bottles hung on an end-cap. Keegan selected two of the largest. “I think that should do it.”
The young man and Keegan headed towards the front where the majority of people had gathered. A tremor set up in his hands, and a throb beat him behind the eyes.
“You okay?” The blond grabbed an abandoned buggy and set the bag of milk replacement in it.
Keegan added the three he carried along with the bottles. “Yeah, I’m good. Thanks for your help.”
“No problem.” He wandered off, and the walls of the store slid closer. A woman on her cell phone bumped into Keegan, she waved an apology as she walked away. The momentary space was filled by a young couple with a baby and a large fluffy dog. The only way to tell one end from the other was by following the leash to where it ended.
Keegan moved up in the line. More bodies closed in behind him. Sweat stung his eyes, and the rise and fall of background noise drowned out the beat of his heart. Bodies shuffled closer. A dog bumped into Keegan’s leg. Somewhere in the back, a parrot screamed. Then kids screamed which set off a baby in a young man’s arms.
Every sound a knife.
Every movement sandpaper against Keegan’s nerves.
It was the damn grocery store all over again, but before Keegan’s fear clamped down on him, he abandoned the buggy and bolted out of the store. A car honked as he stumbled off the sidewalk. Cold air brought blessed oxygen but the strength in his legs melted.
Keegan wound up propped against a tree in one of the tiny green spaces used to break up the parking lot.
“Fuck.” Keegan wrapped his arms around his chest. A few people eyed him as they walked past, but most were too busy in conversation with each other, on the phone, or texting. Fat snowflakes filled the air, and more people ran from the store to their cars.
Keegan wanted to do the same thing. But the puppies needed that milk. It was just a store. A building. And the people were just people.
Keegan had never doubted the fear August had when he was stranded in Alaska. It was a well-deserved fear. This fear, this terror consuming Keegan making it impossible for him to interact in public was nothing in comparison.
Yet it ruled him. Had ruled him for over a year and probably would for the rest of his life. August was right, defeating this would take time, and while Keegan might not win the war today, he could at least face the battle.
For August. For Daisy. For those eight little lives currently relying on Keegan to take care of them.
He pushed himself from the tree and walked towards the store. His buggy had been moved to the other side of the cash register. Most of the line was gone.
“Oh, hey, I wasn’t sure if you were going to come back or not.” The cashier greeted him with a smile while she rang up an elderly lady with two ferrets on a leash.
Keegan collected his buggy. Now all he had to do was push it to the back.
“I can take you over here.” It was the blond. He waved Keegan over to an unopened register.
Keegan pushed the buggy up to the counter.
The guy rang him up. “Don’t like crowds, huh?”
Heat filled Keegan’s cheeks. “That obvious, huh?”
“My…friend…doesn’t like crowds either.” The guy shrugged. “It happens. No big deal.” He scanned the bags of repla
cement milk and the bottles.
Keegan fished his wallet out of his pocket. “Thanks.” He handed over the money.
“For what?”
“For not putting the stuff back on the shelves.”
“Are you kidding? We have people run out all the time and come back hours later wondering where their buggy is. You were just gone for five minutes.”
Felt longer. Keegan nodded. “Thanks anyhow.”
“Anytime.” The kid bagged everything up and handed them over. “Have a Merry Christmas.”
Keegan took the bags. “You too.” He pushed the buggy back over to the line of carts by the door and hurried to the car.
*****
“C’mon Daisy, just one more bite.” August offered Daisy another glob of Pâté style dog food on the end of his finger.
She squinted at him.
“It’s a small bite.”
Daisy burped, fluttering her lips.
“Yes, I know you’ve eaten three cans, but you need more.” And seeing her finally eat made August feel better. After the last four days, he needed something to make him feel better.
Daisy licked away the clump of food, smacking her lips, and chewing.
“Is that your way of telling me you’re too full? Because you don’t even chew raw meat.”
She squinted at him again.
“Okay, you chew it three times before you swallow.”
Daisy closed her eyes and huffed. August stroked her muzzle and neck.
“How’s she doing?” Dr. Winston leaned against the doorframe. Her purple scrubs clashed with her lime green coat.
“She ate.”
Dr. Winston glanced at the three empty cans. “I’ll say.” She walked over and collected the trash.
“I’ll get it.” August pushed himself up on an elbow. His shoulder and sides protested despite the thick pad he’d been laying on.
63 Days Later: A Holiday Tail Page 5