“I think I can.” Her blue eyes looked troubled. “But all this points to a deeper issue. I can forgive you. You can forgive me, I hope, though you haven’t said so.”
A deeper issue? Hadn’t they gotten past the deepest issue when she’d found her joy in Jesus? “Yes, I forgive you.” The words dragged past the sense of foreboding that wedged in his throat at what she’d say next.
“Will you want to go on more missions trips?”
The reply was a no-brainer, and it wasn’t the answer she wanted. He nodded slowly, trying to catch her eyes, but her gaze flicked away in an instant.
“I thought so.”
What did she really mean? That a relationship between them couldn’t work out unless he gave up his other calling? That she’d never wish to join him? What kind of a team — what kind of a marriage — would that be?
An impossible one. “Chelsea, to whom much has been given, much has been required. So many people around the world have so little. We have the technology to improve their lives. Solar power is a big one. We also have the words of life they need to hear, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my tutor spoke four languages fluently and taught me as well. I go to put hands and feet and voice to Jesus’ commission in Matthew to go out and make disciples in all the nations.”
Her expression did not change.
“I can’t not go. Don’t you see?”
“I understand the words. I even believe them. But it’s not for me.”
“He didn’t say some people should do this, Chelsea. If we believe, if we’ve accepted Him as Savior and Lord, then we need to do what He tells us. And He’s told me to go.”
She surged to her feet and crossed to the tall narrow window beside the wood stove. “The people in Africa are more important than I am.”
“No, Chelsea. Obeying God is more important than you are. More important than Africa.” With those words, he felt the finality in his soul. It was over. Really over.
Chelsea turned to face him. “I’ve come a long way in the past few months.”
It was true. He nodded.
“But I’m not there yet. I don’t know if I ever will be.” She bit her lip. “I want to say what you want to hear. I want to say, yay, everything’s good, I’ll go with you. But that would be wrong.”
How many more times could his hopes swing up, only to be dashed? “Wrong?” he croaked out.
“I’ll tell you one thing I’m committed to.” She held his gaze. “To being honest. To not letting you believe a lie about me. I won’t pretend for you anymore, Keanan. Nor for anyone else.”
He nodded, oh so unwillingly. She had him trapped. He didn’t want a lie. He wanted her to come freely. In obedience to Jesus, not to him. A thought blasted him as though he’d opened the door to the December wind. What if God was not asking her to go overseas? What if it had been his idea all along, not God’s?
“Thank you.” Did he really mean those words? “If we are to move forward together, it has to be based on honesty all the way around. I don’t want to force you. This is something between you and God, and either answer might be correct.”
The wariness slid from her eyes. “I appreciate you saying that.”
He rose, took the few steps to the window, and clasped both her hands. “Chelsea, can we back up a few steps and try this again? I was so looking forward to sharing my days with you via email and Skype. Can we still do that, or...” He couldn’t bring himself to complete the sentence. Let there not be an or.
Chelsea looked up into his eyes. “I’d like that.”
His heart hiccupped. “Really?”
She nodded, a tremulous smile on her lips.
Keanan wanted to kiss that smile, but no. Too much, too soon. Instead he tugged her into his arms, and she came willingly. He rested his cheek against her soft curls and held her for a long moment, savoring the touch of her arms around him and her body pressed against his.
Chapter 30
Dear Chelsea,
I’d forgotten how long a trans-Atlantic flight could be. It gave me so many hours to think of you, to remember every nuance of your smile, every curl on your head, every touch of your fingers. I already miss you with every cell of my being.
I give you to God. I give myself to God. That way, we are both in His hands and close together. The plane is over the Mediterranean now, approaching Dubai, then the next flight to Johannesburg. I’ll spend a few days there orienting to the time change, meeting my team, and getting acclimatized to summer again. There will be many planning meetings. You’d like those (grin).
All my love,
Keanan
Dear Keanan,
My drive to Portland was uneventful other than near blizzard conditions north of Kennewick. The highway was fine. It was the visibility that was so bad. Sort of like my life. My prayer is that God will teach me to see clearly.
I had a call from your mom. She said she’d be in the city in a few days and will bring me the pieces she’s donating to the fundraiser.
Mom and Dad and Jacob send their love. Okay, Jake didn’t exactly say that, but he asked about you. Sort of the same thing.
Love,
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
My flight into Johannesburg was interesting. I sat beside Dr. van Leeuwen, a South African doctor who’s spent the past decade working in Portland as an infectious disease specialist. Ever heard of one of those? Me, either. Apparently he’s teaching a clinic at Steve Biko Academic Hospital in nearby Pretoria for the next two weeks. He had some fascinating stories to tell. He’ll be back in Portland by Christmas and said he’d be happy to bring back a gift from me to you.
Say hi to my mother for me. I guess I could email her myself. I will when I have time.
All my love,
Keanan
Dear Keanan,
I hit the ground running to finalize the details for the church event. Via email, it sounded like everything was under control. In person, not so much. Trying to set up an event this size from a distance was a bad idea. If I don’t move back to Portland permanently, I’ll have to tell them to find someone else next year.
I wonder if that’s the same doctor who’s married to Greta van Leeuwen from our church. She’s been my liaison and doing her best to set up the fundraiser with me via email. I’ll ask her when I see her.
I miss you. I’ve got my phone weather app set for Johannesburg. Or did you say Pretoria? Temperatures of eighty degrees sound terrific. Even in Portland it’s nearly freezing.
I set your time zone up in my phone’s clock, too. It’s almost bedtime here, and you’re probably already in tomorrow’s meetings. It seems strange.
Love,
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
Being in the same place to plan an upcoming event isn’t always enough. The man who set this up forgot to hire a translator for the Mozambique part of the trip, if you can believe it. It may wind up on my shoulders, as Ivan taught me some Portuguese. I hope I won’t make any crucial mistakes, as it’s been a while.
Pretoria is beautiful as it swings into summer. The Jacaranda trees are nearly done blooming. Streets are paved with a purple carpet from the fragrant flowers. You’d love it. I’ve attached a photo.
Can we set up a time for Skype? I’ll get up in the middle of the night if that’s what it takes to connect. I want to see your face, even if I can’t touch you through the computer.
All my love,
Keanan
Dear Keanan,
Your mother is something else! She brought an absolutely stunning set of jewelry for the auction. She urged me to try it all on: necklace, earrings, bracelet, and ring. It’s no wonder her designs are in such high demand. Some wealthy woman is going to be very happy when her husband outbids everyone else, and the church will collect a tidy sum.
We had lunch together and she told me stories of when you were a little kid. Sounds like you were quite a handful! Some things never change. She’ll be back the day before
the event.
Having her here made me feel closer to you. I’d love to Skype. I’ve got it on now and will keep it on whenever I’m home.
Love,
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
It was wonderful to talk to you last night. I miss you so much it’s painful. I hope I can do my job well when every thought is filled with you.
I found out this morning that we’re leaving for a tour of several villages in Limpopo province in a few hours. (Remember what I said about disorganized??) Don’t worry if you don’t hear from me for a while. I’ll email as soon as I can.
All my love,
Keanan
Dear Keanan.
It seems strange to write you and not know when you’ll read this. I went out for lunch with several old friends today. It was great to catch up. I’m not sure if you can believe it, but their last few months were not full of pitting plums, canning tomatoes, and cutting up meat for the freezer! I feel like I learned new skills and actually accomplished something of value this fall, while their lives continued on the way they have for years.
That could have been me. And then I’d have missed meeting you and getting to know God’s love in a deeper way. It will seem strange going to church tomorrow in such a big building. Once it was normal, but I have to say Galena Gospel Church has grown on me.
Waiting to hear from you. I hope your trip to the villages went well.
Love,
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
Thank you for the emails waiting for me in Pretoria. I miss you with every breath I take.
The trip went well. You should have seen the joy as the team raised the solar panels to light their church and school. And then we handed out dozens of solar cookers and had our first lesson. This will free so many women from seeking out wood and dung for cooking fires. By the next evening the lights were on full in the meeting hall and we had a church service of rejoicing. I’ve attached a few photos of the happy faces to this email.
I know this is where I need to be right now, and it sounds like God is meeting you where you are at. I pray for you constantly with Ephesians chapter two.
All my love,
Keanan
Dear Keanan,
Countdown to the fundraiser: five days. I hope everything comes together. I’ll be utterly exhausted when this is over. They didn’t used to take so much out of me.
I’ve decided to stay in Portland for Christmas. Green Acres would only make it harder to be so far from you. Here, I have my parents, brother, and friends. Mom asked if I wanted to invite your mom for Christmas dinner. I’ll ask her when she comes for the event on Friday.
Love,
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so tired. Me, too. I’ve also got a sore throat, perhaps from all the talking I’ve been doing.
Actually, my neck and shoulders are sore, too. I didn’t expect to feel so out of shape after all the farm work this past year. Please pray I’m not coming down with the flu or something. There is much to do, and I need to keep functioning. We leave for Mozambique in a few days but expect to be back in Pretoria by Christmas. We’ll do another trip in January.
Mother will likely be delighted to join your family for Christmas. Thanks to you and your mother for thinking of her.
I’ll look up Dr. van Leeuwen tomorrow as I’ve got a small gift to send back with him for you.
All my love,
Keanan
Dear Keanan,
I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling well, and I’m praying whatever it is will quickly go away.
Greta stopped by last night to talk about the fundraiser. Can you believe I’ve been emailing with your doctor friend’s wife for months? I hadn’t met her before, but she told me a bit about what her husband is doing in South Africa. She says he teaches this type of clinic in various countries annually. Small world, right?
Love,
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
I don’t want to worry you, but please pray. My temperature has spiked so high I’ve had the shakes. I even threw up. Vince called Dr. van Leeuwen. He said he’d swing by Vince’s apartment at the mission home, pick up your gift, and have a quick look at me.
Love,
Keanan
Dear Keanan,
I’m glad Dr. van Leeuwen is there, but he sounds overqualified to look at a guy with the flu! Praying.
Love,
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
This is Vince from Keanan’s team. He asked me to send a quick message to let you know we’re at the clinic. His temp is over 104º so Dr. van Leeuwen wanted to run a few tests. I’m sitting in the waiting room with Keanan’s laptop while we wait for results.
Vince
Dear Keanan or Vince,
What’s going on? If it’s the flu, won’t it just pass?
Love,
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
I’m feeling a bit better and have gone to the mission house to sleep. Will be in touch.
All my love,
Keanan
Dear Keanan,
I’m glad you’re feeling better. Hopefully losing a day like this won’t make too much difference to your schedule. I’m on countdown here for the fundraiser event. Two more days.
It’s hard to concentrate when I’m worried about you.
Love,
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
Vince here. Keanan’s fever went back up and he started vomiting so I phoned Dr. van Leeuwen. He’s meeting us at Steve Biko Academic Hospital where he’s been teaching. He doesn’t think it is the flu. Not sure what, though.
Vince
Dear Vince,
If anyone can figure it out, it’s Dr. van Leeuwen. What does he think it might be?
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
Dr. vL ordered some tests and seems concerned about Keanan’s kidney functions. Also something about blood platelets. I don’t know much about medicine, so I hope I’m remembering that correctly. At any rate, he had Keanan admitted and has him on a fluid IV to rehydrate him. Hopefully we’ll know more later.
Vince
Dear Vince,
I’m checking emails on my phone constantly. Please tell Keanan I love him and we are all praying for him. I’ve let our friends at Green Acres Farm know. Email me as soon as you hear results.
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
Dr. vL said the test results were perplexing. Keanan isn’t doing very well, and the team of doctors can’t figure out what he has. It’s definitely not the flu but something more serious. His breathing seems really shallow, like he can’t get air, and his pulse is wild. The doctor put him on oxygen.
I can’t believe the difference in him from a few days ago. Unofficially, I’m really worried.
Vince
Dear Vince,
What do you mean, he’s not doing very well???? Update me every hour.
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
The doctors are concerned about Keanan’s chest x-rays. Something about his lungs. I speak English and Afrikaans just fine, it’s medical I don’t speak. I’ll try and find someone else to email you the technical stuff.
Vince
Dear Vince,
I don’t speak medical either. Keep writing what you understand.
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
Dr. vL asked Keanan’s permission to intubate him. Keanan signed for it. He’s getting worse, not better, and putting him on machines will keep everything functioning while they continue to search for answers. The specialist is now using Keanan as an example for his clinic instead of teaching directly.
Praying for a good outcome.
Vince
Dear Vince,
What are you not telling me? Keanan is on life support? He might die? Tell me the truth!!!
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
&nb
sp; Keanan is on life support. He’s being sedated so he won’t fight the machines that are breathing for him. If God wills it, he will live.
Vince
Dear Vince,
What do you mean, if God wills it? Keanan has given everything to follow what he thinks is God’s will for his life. And God took him to Africa to let him die there?
Not so fond of God at the moment. <- That’s an understatement.
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
I sure can’t pretend to know what God wants. He’s not human, and He thinks in terms of eternal value. Not like us. This might be a time to cling to Isaiah 55:8. “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways.” All we can do is trust God.
Vince
Dear Vince,
Keanan tried to show me how much God loves me. Not seeing it right now. When God heals him, I’ll take another look at it.
Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
Saying we trust God is worthless if we can’t trust Him when things are tough. We can’t just believe when life is sunny and nice. That’s not even trust.
Believe me, my faith is getting a workout, too. I’m not blaming you for faltering. But I’m also not exaggerating when I say only God can save Keanan’s life right now. You’ll handle everything much better if you can pray and trust God.
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