It hadn’t escaped her that she was now sleeping with the captain of the cheerleading squad. Elizabeth smiled as she drank her tea, thinking of all the things she enjoyed about Devyn. She loved the way she had entire conversations with Scout when she thought Elizabeth was out of earshot. The night before while she brushed her teeth, she’d heard Devyn explain the concept of commission to her dog and all the ways to increase earning potential. She caught sight of them in the mirror and saw Devyn massaging Scout’s ears as she talked to her. They were quickly becoming a pair.
She placed a hand over her chest because the sweet recollection caused actual pain. Why? Because she wouldn’t have those moments for very much longer. Though they had shelved talk of Devyn’s impending return to Philadelphia, she was wildly aware that they’d reached no real conclusion. They hadn’t decided that things would necessarily end, but then they hadn’t decided they wouldn’t, either.
The either really resonated.
“What’s going on? You okay?” Devyn asked in her raspy sleepy voice.
Elizabeth turned in the darkness. She couldn’t fully see Devyn but could tell she stood across the room, near the entrance to the hallway. “Just having some tea.”
“At 3:24 a.m.?”
“Seemed like a good time for it.”
“Really?”
She could tell Devyn was moving toward her now, intermittently illuminated by patches of dim moonlight. She wore Elizabeth’s favorite worn-out army green T-shirt that said No Frills across the front. No longer any reason for the darkness now that Devyn was awake, she flipped on the small lamp she kept near the kitchen table. It had been her father’s favorite lamp to work by at night. She distinctly remembered the sound of the switch going on and off. Off meant time to play. On meant quiet time for Elizabeth until he was done for the night.
“So, what’s going on?” Devyn asked, bleary eyed and blinking as she adjusted to the new light.
“Oh, you know me. Someone who likes to have all her t’s crossed.”
Devyn blinked several more times and ran a hand through her hair as if trying to piece it all together. “We’re an uncrossed t for you, aren’t we? This is about the conversation we had earlier?”
Elizabeth wrapped her arms around herself. “No. Well, yes. That and I was…thinking about my mom.” That was actually the truth. “I think tonight brought up some memories. She left in the middle of the afternoon. I didn’t realize as I watched her pack that she’d never be back. I would have paid more attention to the moment. Standing here now, I’m missing parts of how it played out. What color her shirt was, and what the actual time was in the afternoon. Two o’clock? Three? I’ll never know.”
Devyn leaned against the counter next to her. “Maybe it’s better that you are missing some of it. I’m not sure a moment like that is one you want to revisit with too much clarity.”
“It seems important, though, you know? To who I am? Someone who was left. That’s me.”
Devyn studied her profile. Elizabeth wasn’t looking at her, but she could feel that gaze caress her cheek with what? Sympathy. She didn’t love that, but at the same time it felt nice to have Devyn there to talk to. “She didn’t leave because of you, you know. If I had to guess, maybe she was just running from her life or from something within herself that she wasn’t comfortable with. Who knows?”
Elizabeth turned and met Devyn’s gaze. “Sure felt like she was leaving me.”
They stared at each other for a moment. No one broke eye contact. “We’re not just hooking up,” Devyn said, finally. The words were everything. “I should have made that clear earlier today. So, I’m saying it now.”
Elizabeth knew as much in her heart. There was too much tenderness in the way Devyn touched her and too much meaning behind her eyes for Elizabeth not to matter to her. But hearing Devyn say so made all the difference. “I had so much fun with you tonight. It was the best night I’ve had in a long time.” She bit her lip and shook her head. “Maybe ever. That’s a bad thing.”
“No, it’s not.” Devyn placed her hands on Elizabeth’s waist and leaned back against the counter.
“Not yet. But we’re building a pretty impressive tower that has the potential to crash to the ground in what could be only a few weeks, for all I know.”
“Which means you cease to exist?” She searched Elizabeth’s features.
She shrugged. “No. I’ll be here.”
“Good. I want you to always exist.” She pulled Elizabeth to her and nuzzled her hair. “We took the first step by talking about it, twice now today, which gets us bonus points. Especially since I’m not someone who talks about feelings.”
“I know. Thank you for indulging me.”
“The thing is, I don’t think we have to have all the answers, and maybe, over the course of time before I leave, we’ll find them. It’s my hope that we do.”
Elizabeth wrapped her arms around Devyn’s neck and pressed her forehead to her chin. “When we’re together like this, it feels like everything else fades. That we’re the only two people. Is that just me?” She met Devyn’s beautiful hazel eyes, her voice shifting to a whisper for the next part because it was the only way she’d get the words out. “I want so badly to believe you feel it, too.”
Devyn nodded. “I feel it. It’s powerful, and all encompassing.”
“You don’t have to just say that because I did.”
“Would you stop?” Devyn disentangled herself and took a few steps back to better see Elizabeth. “I’m in this, too, you know. You don’t have the monopoly on feelings, and I happen to be just as out of my depth as you are. But I know this: I’m a little crazy about you.”
“You are?” Elizabeth asked, trying to understand but not yet daring to believe. The passion she saw flare said something, though. Maybe Devyn really was as invested. She allowed that news to comfort her and didn’t push for more. She’d done enough of that, and knowing they were in this together was enough. “Then come back over here and take me to bed so I can find a way to switch off my brain.”
Devyn allowed a grin to blossom. She walked slowly back to Elizabeth, the T-shirt brushing the tops of her thighs. She took Elizabeth’s hand, intertwined their fingers, and brought them to her mouth for a kiss. “We’re going to need a nap tomorrow.”
“You’re really pretty,” Elizabeth said.
Devyn frowned. “Are you saying that as some kind of farewell? Like you’re memorizing my face? If so, then stop it. Because I will still be here in the morning.”
“You’re right.” Elizabeth nodded and tucked a strand of hair behind Devyn’s ear. She wasn’t just pretty to Elizabeth, she was lose-your-thought-mid-sentence beautiful, even in the dead of the night, sans makeup, sans wardrobe, stripped down to just her. Part of that had to do with the person underneath and the bond they’d formed. She tried not to think about how much more there was she still wanted to do with Devyn. See movies, have a picnic, and maybe that bottle of wine on the beach at sunset. What would it be like to come home from a long day and just make dinner together? She had a feeling they’d complement each other really well. Nope. Too much to process for close to four a.m.
As she snuggled into bed again, Devyn tucked herself behind Elizabeth and held her close. Scout, at the end of the bed, grumbled at the disruption. “Want to see a movie this week?” she whispered. “I can’t tomorrow because of my mom coming by, but maybe the day after? If Jill is okay?”
Devyn kissed her cheek. “I’d love to see a movie with you.”
Chapter Eighteen
The doorbell chimed at 7:36 in the evening after Elizabeth had knocked off work for the day and straightened her house. You know, just in case. She’d stolen glances at the clock every few minutes, in spite of how much she hated herself for doing it. Her mother mentioned that she’d be by “after suppertime” which, quite honestly, could mean a lot of things. The most likely scenario would have been her not showing up at all, but that apparently wasn’t the case. Hence the knoc
k that had her heart hammering. Why did she care at all? That part irked her.
Elizabeth walked to her front door and smoothed her jeans and blouse. Yes, she’d put on an actual ribbed pullover that she felt made her look a little more put together than a T-shirt. You know, just in case there was company.
Her mother smiled brightly as she opened the door. “Hey, there, Lizzie.” She’d always been a little heavy on the energy and exuberance, which was probably overcompensation on her part for all the years she’d been absent. Her red hair had been curled and styled and she wore a mauve lipstick that matched her shirt. Randomly, she wore heels in the middle of the evening, but then she was always out to impress whoever she could.
“Hi, Mom.” She stepped back. “Come on in.”
“Sorry we missed you at dinner, but I think you’re really gonna like how this batch of casserole came out. I added the extra cheese you used to love.”
Elizabeth didn’t remember ever asking for extra cheese, but it seemed like something she might do. She accepted the covered dish and placed it on the counter of her kitchen.
“Really nice of you to drive it over here.”
“Anytime, sweetie.” She took in Elizabeth’s living room. “Would you look at this sweet place? I love what you’ve done with your home. The lavender accents really make the room so cheerful. I’d love it if I lived here.”
“Thanks.” She slid her hands into her pockets, not really sure what else to say. They’d now done the casserole drop-off. Checkmark. Weren’t they done now? There didn’t seem to be a guide for dealing with family members who’d abandoned you and then popped back up for niceties and gifts of casserole.
They stared at each other. Then did that some more.
What was probably three seconds in reality felt like twenty, until finally Scout rounded the corner from the bedroom and perked up at the sight of a new human, her tail picking up speed as she lowered her head in submissive hello.
“Would you look at that.” Her mother turned to her. “You got yourself a furball. C’mon over here, sweet baby.”
“This is Scout,” she said as her mother knelt, allowing her face to be licked like crazy. It was kinda nice to see someone appreciate her dog. A lot of people didn’t enjoy dogs kissing them on the face the way Elizabeth did. Who knew her own mother wasn’t one of them? A nice surprise.
“Hey. I heard you and that friend of yours from last night are heating things up.”
“Mom.” Estranged or not, it was weird to hear your mother say heating things up. “We’re just spending time together.”
She gave Scout a final scratch behind both her ears and stood, pushing off the ground like it wasn’t as easy as it used to be. “Well, she seemed nice, and don’t get me going on how pretty that face is. Wow. She should model.”
“She’s beautiful. We can agree on that. The whole world does.”
Her mother dipped her head. “But she lives someplace else?”
Elizabeth nodded and leaned against the kitchen counter. Talking about Devyn seemed to ease some of the tension. She tried to not smile overtly at the thought of her. “Philadelphia. She’s just here for a short time to help her sister get better after her car accident.”
“Look at you, all pink cheeks and sassy eyes.”
“Sassy eyes? I don’t know what that even—”
“Excited for life. Full of zest. This woman’s got a hold of you, I can see it a mile away. We may not be close, but I’m your mama and I know things.”
“Oh. Well. Maybe.”
“Makes my heart swell.”
Elizabeth smiled shyly at the countertop. “Mine, too, if I’m being honest. She’s pretty great. She didn’t used to be, but people change.” Talking about Devyn seemed to have broken the tension.
Her mother paused as if she were making a decision. “Honeypot, I know our relationship hasn’t always been easy-breezy, and I take full responsibility for that. I was mixed up when I was younger, and selfish.”
“I know,” Elizabeth said. They could agree on that part.
“I want us to change things between us. We can take baby steps at first if you want. Like two gals in therapy together.” Elizabeth stared at the ground, because it was hard to buy in. “I know I should have done more for you when I moved back.” Her typical smile faltered. “I was nervous being around you again, if I’m fessing up. Don’t much like the way it feels to see how much of your life I missed. At first, well…I wasn’t sure how I could ever make that up to you, so I just didn’t.” She sighed and pulled on a strand of red curly hair. “Then I tried, but not enough.”
“You have a lot on your plate,” Elizabeth said. In this moment, she could convict her mother of everything she’d ever done to make Elizabeth’s heart hurt, explain to her all the ways she’d failed and do so quite easily. Yet Elizabeth just couldn’t bring herself to go there. Not when she stood in front of someone who looked so sad, so vulnerable. She just didn’t have it in her to lash out.
“Not too much for you.” Her mother gestured to the casserole. “You’ll be getting more of those, since this is the first time in a while you’ve accepted an overture from me. Yes, sir. I think I found my ticket. Casserole will be comin’ out of your ears, missy.” She laughed nervously, and Elizabeth softened. She couldn’t help it. She’d always had a bleeding heart.
“Thank you for bringing it by.” A pause. “And for the chat.”
She watched as a smile sprang back onto her mother’s lips, as if it radiated from the inside out. “You might have just made my whole week.” She swatted away the sentiment. “I’ll get out of your hair now. Know when to quit while I’m ahead, and who wants old ladies getting soft in their kitchen anyway?”
Elizabeth chuckled and walked her out. “Drive safe, okay? It’s getting dark.”
“Will do. You take care of that sweet pup and that head turner you’re running around with. Still can’t get over that face. Not that it has anything on yours.”
“Thanks, Mom.” She gave Scout, who pressed against the outside of her knee, a head pat. “That’s my plan.” With a final wave, her mother was headed home. She stood there, stuck in her entryway. She had just survived a one-on-one visit. No, not just survived. Dare she say she’d flourished and enjoyed their small exchange, even? She wasn’t ready to jump back into any kind of deep mother-daughter relationship, but to be paid this little bit of attention actually felt nice.
“What did you think of her?” she asked Scout, who now lay on her back, four paws in the air, as she scrunched and slid around on the carpet. “You seem more interested in that back scratch you’re giving yourself. But I do know someone who I want to share this with.” It took her only a moment to place the call.
Devyn didn’t even say hello, jumping right to the point, which surprised Elizabeth. She wasn’t even sure if Devyn would remember the plans she’d made with her mother. “Did she come?”
“Surprisingly, yes. And…it wasn’t awful.”
“Well, not awful is an improvement, isn’t it?”
Elizabeth smiled and joined Scout on the floor. “It is. She didn’t stay very long, but she met my dog and complimented my house, which made me feel good.”
“I’m so happy it went well. I was prepared to lay down my life in apology if it didn’t. I’ve been sitting over here nervous as hell.”
Elizabeth grinned and stared at the patterns of her ceiling. “You deal with millionaires daily and this makes you nervous?”
“Well, yeah, because it’s you. The idea of you sad makes me…”
As she trailed off, Elizabeth’s grin grew. Those kinds of confessions didn’t come naturally to Devyn, but Elizabeth could feel how much she was truly trying.
“I know,” she said. “I feel the same way.”
They talked for an hour, which was silly because they were literally moments away from each other in two separate houses in the same small town, but Elizabeth enjoyed talking to Devyn on the phone. The more they talked, the more they
laughed, and the more they confessed. There was a safety there, in not seeing the other person’s face.
“I’ve been trying to remember everything I can about you from high school,” Devyn said. “I still wish I’d known you better then.”
“Oh, I remember a lot about you,” Elizabeth said. “You and your friends would always make your weekend plans in Mr. Maguire’s precal class. I would listen in.”
“Really?”
“It’s true. You guys would always head to that sand pit near the beach, and someone would volunteer to bring the wine.”
“Usually Cricket.”
“And there would be boys invited. It sounded so sophisticated to me. My Fridays involved my dad, the television, and occasionally a sleepover at KC’s. Not that those weren’t fun. Some of my best memories.”
Devyn paused. “If I knew myself then the way I know myself now, I would have spent that time with you instead. I missed out.”
Elizabeth’s heart fluttered pleasantly. It had to be one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to her. “Well, we know each other now.”
“I consider myself lucky.” Another pause. “Are you going to give her a chance? Your mom?”
Elizabeth, feeling on a high from the events of the evening, considered the question. “I’ll be cautious, but…yeah. I think I might crack that door open a touch. And, Devyn?”
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