“All times of the day,” the landlord said. My muscles tensed as he looked over at me with a sad smile before making his way down the stairs.
“River,” Alec said as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Is Adam?” I shook my head, and he inhaled through his nose, nodding. “Can you and I talk then?”
“What’s up?” I asked, and Alec’s eyes drifted to my coffee and briefcase.
“I’m sorry I should’ve called last night–” I shook my head, and a shaky exhale rattled through his lips as if he knew what I meant without me saying it. “Let’s go inside?”
I followed him into Bobby’s apartment, and he ran his hands over the carefully labeled boxes. “Is this everything?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I finished packing everything. I guess I needed some more time,” I replied as I opened my box and stared at the jersey I loved so much.
“No worries,” Alec said, and his jaw tightened as his eyes washed over me.
“It’s okay,” I said as I closed the box back up. “I know it’s time.”
“How will Adam take it?” Alec asked, and his eyes raced over my face. The hope in his eyes disappeared, and his arm came to rest on the top of one of the boxes.
“As good as he’s taken anything else,” I finally replied. “I’m sorry.”
Alec stepped forward and put his hand on my shoulder. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
I bit the inside of my lip as I nodded. It was oddly comforting when Alec pulled me into his arms.
“Thank you for doing this,” he said into my ear.
I hugged him back, and his warmth reminded me of Bobby. “Thank you for letting me.”
He pulled away. “You know both of my boys best.”
My lip trembled as tears welled in my eyes.
At least I used to.
“Would you mind putting our boxes in the apartment for me?” I asked.
I could only hope I was home first so I could figure out where to hide them.
“Of course. How is he?” Alec replied, and when our eyes met he swallowed. “I see.”
He squeezed my shoulder, hugging me once more. “Try to have a good day at work?”
“I’ll try,” I replied, but by the time I got to work my head was killing me, and I couldn’t get rid of the twisting feeling in my stomach. Adam left far before I did, and it seemed like Alec hadn’t been there that long, so he wouldn’t have seen him. I put my cold hand against the back of my neck as I leaned back in my chair. Something didn’t feel right, and even though I convinced myself it was nothing more than the fact someone else would be living in Bobby’s apartment, I knew it was more than that. My eyes kept darting down to my cell phone. A part of me felt like there was something very wrong with Adam. My fingertips tingled, and I couldn’t help it– I dialed his classroom number.
“Hello,” Regina answered.
“Uh…” Speech seemed to have failed me. “It’s River — is Adam there?”
“I’m sorry, River — he’s not,” she replied, and her voice was soft. “You might want to call his cell phone.”
“Yeah, I’ll do that– thanks.”
I hung up and stared down at my cell phone screen as my headache intensified. Regina didn’t sound surprised I didn’t know where Adam was. This was all wrong. I dialed his cell phone. It rang, but no one picked up. I felt like vomiting. I needed to find Adam, but I didn’t know how. I packed my work things and headed towards Jesse’s office, thankful to have such an understanding boss.
“River, you don’t look so well,” Jesse said as I leaned in his doorway.
“Massive headache,” I replied, squinting against the light of the fluorescents. “That’s why I was coming to see you.”
“No problem,” Jesse said with a wave of his hand. “Take the day off. Feel better.”
By the time I got home, I didn’t feel better. My head felt tight, and I was starting to see vibrant flashes of color at the corners of my vision. Adam wasn’t home. I dialed his number as I made my way up to the apartment. Once inside my eyes settled on the boxes, neatly stacked on the left side of the door. Adam wasn’t picking up, and my stomach clenched. I made it to the kitchen sink just in time to lose my granola bar. I splashed water on my face and then went into the bathroom, popping open the cap of the headache medicine with shaking hands. I tossed the pill in my mouth before going into the bedroom and passing out. Every time I woke up, my head still splintered in pain, but I still tried calling Adam, and every time I did, no one answered. I fell back into the fitful sleep just to get away from the pain raging in my head and the rolling of my stomach.
God, that hurts.
A combination of buzzing and ringing woke me up, and when I realized it was my phone, I shot forward, grabbing it off the nightstand.
“Adam?” I whispered, my voice hoarse. “Where are you?” Panic threaded through me. “I’ve been calling for hours.”
“They fired me,” he replied, and his slurred words told me he was drunk.
My whole body tensed, and the pounding in my head subsided as I sank back into the bed. “Why?”
“Tardiness.” The s’ slurred out too long, and I felt my hands clench hard against the metal casing of the phone. At the end of the word, it became a sob. “I’m sorry, Riv…I tried. I swear I tried. Sometimes I couldn’t take it, though.”
My nerves seared, my throat burning with pain. Had I let this go too far? Guilt pricked at my eyes.
“River?” Adam asked.
I crushed my eyes shut, asking, “Where are you?”
“With Bobby.”
I swallowed before inhaling until stars popped in my eyes. “Okay.”
“I love you, River. I swear it.”
“I know,” I said as I stood. My head was still pounding, but I needed Adam home–safe with me.
“Do you still love me?” he asked.
“Yes, Adam,” I replied, and the tears ran into my mouth. “No matter what I will always love you.”
There was silence on the other end, and I wondered if he believed me.
“I’m coming to get you,” I said, breaking the silence. He didn’t respond. “Please don’t go anywhere, and stop drinking.”
As I drove towards the cemetery the pounding in my head cleared, and I wondered if it was somehow connected directly to Adam. If my headache was what drinking made him feel like I had no idea why he would want to do it. My hands squeaked against the steering wheel as I gripped it too tight. During the blackout pain, I had barely thought of anything. It was when I was awake that I remembered.
That’s why.
One pain for another. I swallowed hard as I shifted the car into park behind the GLI, hidden among the headstones and grass. When I came around Bobby’s marker Adam was hunched there, his back pressing against the hard rock with an empty bottle at his feet. His head hung between his knees and behind him, I could see where he’d been sick.
“SoCo, Adam? Really? Please don’t tell me you drank that whole bottle?” I asked as I knelt down on the damp ground in front of him. He rocked forward before mumbling a response I didn’t understand. His head tipped back, and I could see his bloodshot eyes were empty. I bit my cheek against the tears that formed in my eyes.
“Please Adam, this has got to stop. I can’t take much more,” I said, and my head dropped so I no longer had to gaze at those broken eyes.
“I need you to fix me, River,” he replied a shaky hand touching my elbow.
“I can’t…” I choked on the words, and the tears came in a rush. I looked up at him, and his eyes locked on me. “I can’t fix you, Adam. I can barely pick up the broken pieces of me.”
His eyes closed, and his head bobbed backward. My whole body trembled as I grabbed the bottle at his feet and stood, chucking it into the ditch that split the cemetery in two. I heard it shatter against something before I put my hand on my chest, calming my breathing.
Mark said there was one thing that could knock him out of this stupo
r, and while I had spent so much time denying it, I knew it was true.
Only one thing could fix this.
My chest began to stagger breathes irrationally as my mind settled on the thought.
I had to leave.
Chapter 32
I opened my eyes slowly as the aroma of coffee brewing wafted over me. My eyes felt dry and scratchy and taking a moment to adjust to the light of the room and the figure sitting on the love seat across from me. Adam had the laptop in front of him and was tapping it furiously. I sat up and stretched my arms, reaching for my cell phone on the table. Adam was pale, but he didn’t look anywhere near as shitty as he did the night before. I tapped the screen of my cell phone and the time showed 6:30 AM. I glanced over at Adam, and it took a moment before he stopped typing and looked up at me.
“Hey, I’ll get you a cup of coffee,” he said, putting the laptop aside and going into the kitchen.
My eyes followed him, watching as he poured two cups of coffee. My mouth opened, but nothing came out as he came around and handed me a cup before settling back down in his previous position. The coffee cup balanced precariously in his lap between the computer and his torso. Finally, my mouth figured out how to work.
“What are you doing?” I asked, and the words sounded harsher than I wanted them to. I stuck my mouth over the cup and took a sip, hoping it would look like I was tired and not pissed. I honestly wasn’t sure which I was.
“Promoting,” he replied, not looking up from the computer.
“Promoting?” I asked before taking another sip of coffee. At least, this time, I sounded curious and not bitchy.
“Fade Burn,” Adam said before taking a sip of his coffee. My jaw must have slackened, because he continued, “Plan B.”
I blinked at him. Plan B? As in be a rock star? My body stiffened. At least he fit the stereotype– alcoholic. I squeezed my eyes shut at the thought. I needed to try to be positive — maybe this would help him straighten out. I stared down at my coffee before inhaling and standing
“Sounds fun,” I replied as I leaned down. He turned his face up and kissed me.
“I might be asking your advice,” he said as his eyes went back to the computer screen. My gaze moved down to the screen– Twitter.
I shook my head. “I’m not a fan of social media.”
He chuckled to himself. “Aren’t you a marketer?”
“Sure am,” I replied as I raised an eyebrow at him. He smirked up at me. “But I’m high enough up that I can delegate that particular task to someone else.”
“Ah, like someone who has a social life?” Adam asked, and his tone showed it was a playful dig, but I found myself swallowing. The truth was somewhere along those lines, and the fact I completely gave up social media after Bobby died. It was sickening to have people always sending sympathetic messages that meant nothing.
“That’s more Tara’s playground than mine,” I replied as I headed to the bathroom to get ready for work. “You should ask her about it when you call her today.”
I glanced over my shoulder, wondering what reaction the pointed sentence would garner. It wasn’t much more than him looking at me from the corner of his eyes with his head still facing the computer.
“I just might,” he replied.
I stopped mid-stride as the lack of boxes near the door caught my eye.
“I put them in the closet,” Adam replied, his voice flat. “Yours are on your side while mine is on mine.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat before asking, “Did you…”
“Look in them?” Adam finished my sentence. His lips pursed, but he didn’t stop typing or look up from the computer. “No.”
“Adam–“
“I’m fine, Riv. You’re going to be late for work if you don’t get going,” Adam said, and his head moved to nod over my shoulder to the bathroom.
My body went cold as I stared at him. He raised his eyebrows, and my stomach twisted. I might as well tell him the rest of the news.
“Your parents gave the apartment up.”
“Good, it was a waste of their money to be paying for it when no one was living in it,” Adam replied, and his eyes were empty as they turned back to the computer screen. My mouth opened and closed, but no words came out. This colder, matter of fact Adam was a surprising apparition, and it made me feel as sick as the drunk one.
“Okay,” I managed to say before going into the bathroom. If this was the way Adam was going to be, at least he wasn’t drinking, but when I came home that night, he was out cold with a bottle of SoCo dangling from his hand as he lay on the couch belly down. He wasn’t even hiding his drinking, and I still didn’t know what to do. I pulled the bottle from his fingers and drained the remaining contents in the sink before going out on the balcony and dialing Dad.
“Hey Ducks,” he said, and his voice softened the hard edges of my heart.
“Hi Daddy,” I replied, and my voice cracked as I slid down to sit on the grated metal
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
I put my head on my knees. “Adam.”
“What happened with Adam?”
“The drinking…he lost his job yesterday, and he was loaded when I finally found him…and then this morning he seemed fine but..”
“When you got home he was drunk?”
I looked through the window, where I had a clear view into the living room where he lay on the couch. “Out cold. I just don’t know how much more I can take, Dad.”
“What are you saying, Ducks? Are you thinking about leaving him?” he asked, and his voice strained as if the idea physically pained him.
I crushed my eyes shut, looking across the city, lit by the setting sun. “I don’t know…I don’t think we’re any good for each other anymore…I feel like if I leave, he’ll figure his shit out.”
Dad’s response was unexpected. “What about you, River?”
“Me?” I repeated, and my voice was weak. “This isn’t good for me either. I don’t know who I am anymore–or if I ever really knew who I was or wanted to be outside the Beckerson boys.
“There’s nothing else you think will help? What about counseling?”
I hated to scoff at the idea, but I did.
“He won’t even talk to me, Dad. I’ve tried being reasonable. I’ve been unreasonable– neither works.” My voice cracked. “Nothing works. — I can’t watch this anymore.”
Dad sighed before replying, “I’m concerned about Adam, too, River–I just worry what this is going to do to you.”
“I’ll figure it out,” I replied looking over my shoulder. Hopefully, Adam would too.
“Just think about it River,” Dad replied.
I looked out across the city. “I’ll give it a little more time…but Dad, I know Adam and my leaving is the only way to pull him out of this.”
“I get that, River, but who’s going to pull you out once you push him away?”
My breath caught in my throat, and I looked down at my hands. Leaving meant I was leaving a huge chunk of myself behind, and I wondered how many pieces of myself I could lose without being completely lost to the agony of not knowing who I was. Who was I without Bobby? I felt the tears forming in the corner of my eyes as I stared at Adam. My chest tightened as my vision blackened at the edges. Who was I without Adam?
I needed to find out. I just hoped Adam would find me after…whatever was left of me.
Chapter 33
Adam’s drinking the day before must have been pretty decent, because when I woke up, he was still passed out. I watched him for a second, my heart hammering in my chest, which only ceased when he inhaled deeply. I ran my hand over my face before going to take a shower and heading into work early. There was no point in me working out and waking up Adam. He’d probably have a migraine anyway, and I didn’t want to make things worse than they already were.
“Earlier and earlier,” Jesse said as I tried to sneak passed his office. I stopped in my tracks and took a deep breath before turning to fa
ce him. He stood and came to lean against the front of his desk with arms crossed. “Pretty soon you’ll be sleeping here.”
I swallowed hard at the thought because I honestly wasn’t sure where to go if Adam and I broke it off. I couldn’t very well go to my parent’s house when I wasn’t talking to Mom. Their house was also an hour away, but I couldn’t afford anything in Boston on my own, could I? My hands tightened around my Starbucks.
“A little distracted, or a little overtired?” Jesse asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I ran my hand through my hair before leaning against the door frame. “A little of both, to be honest with you.”
“Mhmm,” Jesse replied as he took his reading glasses off and tucked them in his suit pocket.
“So what are you doing here so early?” I asked, and my eyes narrowed as I watched his eyes widen. “Secret project?”
Jesse chuckled to himself, signaling for me to come in the room as he went back to sit in his chair. “You kind of nailed it.”
“Secret project?” I asked, tilting my head to look at the paperwork he was twisting around for me to see.
“Something like that,” he replied as my eyes ran over the lease agreement.
My eyes stopped on the location. “This is a building in Framingham. Are we moving?”
Jesse sat back in his chair, and his hands formed a triangle as he shook his head slowly. “We’re expanding.”
“To Framingham?”
His head changed directions, this time bobbing up and down slowly. “Indeed. The business is expanding rapidly, and we need a new division to keep up with the demand.”
“Two locations? That’s going to be a lot for one person to manage–plus, a lot of driving,” I said as I stared at the dates on the page. It looked like the building was already in existence, but would need some renovations based on Jesse’s various sticky notes. When he didn’t answer, my eyes rose to meet his and a wicked smile on his lips. I wasn’t sure what it meant, or if I wanted to know what it meant.
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