Devin stared at him listlessly. In shock. In agony.
“I gave you the first chance, Devin. Both times. Because I love you. You didn’t make this easy for me. I tried to stay with you.” Jake paused and took a deep breath. “But this isn’t going to work anymore. You and I… It’s over, Devin. I love you, but it’s over.”
Devin felt like her life was over, too.
So, with about seven weeks left before they were all supposed to leave for school, Devin hung out with Joanie, Amy, and the rest of the high school partiers, drinking buckets of booze and studiously avoiding any party Jake might go to. There was the occasional run-in, usually resulting in her drinking to the point where she would confront him, then cry in his arms. They’d end up back at her little duplex, and Devin would try to show him how much she loved him with her body, trying everything she knew to keep him close. But in the morning, he’d be gone, just an indentation left behind on her pillow. Then Melanie would come visit.
Now, he always went back to her. Somehow, Devin had become the other girl, the one Jake snuck around with. She hated the feeling. But, they’d been together for so long, and her whole value felt wrapped up in him. She couldn’t explain it. It mystified Amy and Joanie, and they tried to talk some sense into her. But she wasn’t strong enough to be on her own. Nobody would ever love her like Jake had. She still had hope that he’d realize just how much she loved him and leave Melanie for good, swearing to love Devin… and only Devin.
Melanie finished with her remedial courses and started coming to town more often. The more she came, the less would he would come to parties alone. Less and less they would end up back at her small duplex. Less and less could Devin show him how much she loved him.
Then he and Melanie showed up at Ronin’s that night. For the first time, someone seemed to truly see her pain, to see through her nonchalant act. For the first time, someone really stood up for her, seemed to find her worthy. Someone chose her over Jake.
So began Devin’s friendship with Ronin.
Chapter 3 – I can’t!
It was Friday night. Ronin, Shane, and Joe were back from the job site which, as usual, meant a big party at Ronin’s. And Devin was bombed. Sloppy drunk bombed. She could barely stand. Well, actually, she couldn’t stand at all on her own and did her best to hold up the wall before Ronin came to her rescue, tucking her against him to support her weaving and swaying body.
This state was exactly what she’d intended. Mission accomplished!
Jake was busy this weekend. He had told her that afternoon that Melanie would be in town. By telling her, he said he was protecting her from the pain of seeing them unexpectedly like last time. Letting her know not to come over or to call him, as Melanie would be at his house. His parents were out of town, and she was staying there, with him. All weekend. Sleeping in his bed. Devin wondered if he still had any of her pictures in his room, and it brought a new sharp pain as she imagined him taking them down, putting them in a box or a drawer. Maybe even tossing them. After all this time, it ripped her to shreds.
So she drank until she couldn’t feel anymore. Now she was numb—finally.
The room was spinning, and Devin moaned and leaned more heavily into Ronin, her forehead resting in the crook of his neck as he leaned against his kitchen counter. The party went on around her, in full swing, full of laughter and noise and the usual overindulgence of a bunch of young adults with a plethora of booze.
“You okay, baby?” Ronin asked.
Devin tried to raise her head slightly, but the effort was too much. “No,” she whispered. “I’m not. I think I need to lie down.”
Ronin scooped her into his arms and carried her out of the kitchen and down the hall towards his bedroom.
“Go get ‘er, Ronin!” someone shouted in a drunken slur.
“Fuck you, Joe,” Ronin threw over his shoulder. Hmm… Joe. It was Joe. “She’s not feeling well.”
“Uh, huh,” Joe replied, clearly unconvinced.
A moment later, the closed door to his bedroom blocked most of the noise, although a bit of Kings of Leon’s Celebration, with its jagged and gritty chords, muffled its way through the walls. Ronin settled her on his bed, her head on his soft pillows. Her eyes opened a touch, and she looked up at him. “Thank you,” she whispered. “This is better.”
Ronin brushed her heavy bangs from her eyes. “Do you need anything? A cool washcloth? A glass of water?”
Devin’s eyes closed a moment. She saw the specter of Jake and Melanie. She could only imagine what they were doing at this very moment. She just had to forget!
Her eyes flew open again to see Ronin still studying her intently, waiting for an answer. Her hand lifted to his cheek, trailed down his neck, hooked in the opening of his soft flannel shirt where the top few buttons were undone. She gave a little tug. Ronin raised one eyebrow, but he stubbornly remained where he was hovering above her.
“Honey, you’re pretty plastered. Fuck, I’m pretty plastered too. Not so sure this is a good idea.”
Devin rose up on her elbows, not as smoothly as she would have liked, but all the same. “I don’t fucking care,” she whispered. “Kiss me.”
“Baby, I don’t want you to regret anything.” he hesitated.
Devin clumsily wrapped one arm around his neck and then the other. She used his body to pull herself forward and pressed her lips against his. All her drunken pain and desperation poured into the kiss, drawing on the weight of her own body to pull Ronin down on top of her. Every few moments, her lips would pull back slightly. “I won’t… won’t regret.” “Kiss me.” “Please.”
“Jesus, honey,” he muttered. “How can I say no to you?” And he fell upon her, fusing his lips to hers.
With his words, Devin instantly felt all-powerful, alleviating some of the torture of Jake’s rejection, Jake’s disinterest, Jake’s new girlfriend. NO! Not thinking about them!
“Please…” Devin moaned into his mouth as she pushed images of Jake and Melanie from her mind. She focused on Ronin’s hands as they moved to her breasts, to the thin straps of her dress. His lips devoured hers as he tugged her dress and bra down her body, baring the soft fullness of her curves. She shivered as his mouth nipped its way down her collarbone and trailed across the swell of her breast, closing over her nipple. The shock of that sensation caused her to arch her back.
For a split second, her mind flitted back to Jake with a pang of unease. She imagined how angry he would be if he knew someone else was touching her. But she forced it back into blankness, only allowing herself to feel Ronin’s touch.
“Ronin,” she breathed softly, reminding herself of who she was with.
Ronin was a big guy, strong shoulders and heavy muscles. She felt so slight beneath him, helpless, protected. She felt desirable. She felt sexy. She felt so many things that she hadn’t felt in so long. And she wanted to feel more.
Ronin pulled his shirt off without even undoing the buttons and tossed it over the footboard of the bed. His knees nudged hers apart, and she felt his hard length press against her hips, demonstrating the breadth of his arousal. The rough texture of the denim scraped against the fine silky fabric of her panties as her dress rode up around her hips. She wanted this so badly, to finish this, to be done. This would end things once and for all with Jake.
Jake! No! Again, Devin forced him to the back of her mind. She wouldn’t think about him. She couldn’t think about him. Him and Melanie.
She felt Ronin’s hand at her waist, pushing the light material of her dress and panties down her legs in one tangled mass. His fingers swiftly found her wet core, and swept inside. Devin cried out in both exhilaration and lament, tears squeezing from her eyes. This was really going to happen. This was really going to end things with Jake.
Ronin rose up above her slightly to pull off his jeans. “Just a sec, honey. Let me grab a condom.”
“No!” she gasped. “I’m safe if you are. Jake always uses condoms even though I’m on the pill. I’ve
never been with anyone else. I’m clean.”
“Fuuuuuuck,” Ronin breathed.
He poised over her, positioning himself to thrust into her. Devin felt his length press against her soft center, and she froze. This would do it. This would end it. This would take Jake away from her forever. He would never, never want her again after this.
“Wait!” Devin cried.
Ronin froze.
A shuddery breath ripped through her. “I can’t do this,” she sobbed hysterically. “I can’t!”
Ronin took a deep breath, trying to bring his throbbing body under control. He lay his head down on her shoulder and closed his eyes for a moment as Devin silently wept, naked and shivering beneath him. She bit her lip, fiercely trying to hang on to what little bit of control she had. A few tears escaped, but she felt as though a dam was about to explode under the pressure of her angst and all her emotion would come rushing forth. Ronin lifted his head and pressed a gentle kiss against her temple. She couldn’t breathe in her panic.
“It’s okay, baby,” he murmured. “Don’t cry. It’s okay. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“But I do want to. I want to get over Jake,” she whispered frantically looking up at him. “Tonight was all about drinking to forget, but I can still remember.”
Ronin’s pained gaze locked on hers for a moment. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he had regained a controlled expression over his features. “This isn’t how you forget.”
“I just need to not hurt anymore,” she said in a small voice. With a sniffle, she wiped tears from her eyes and looked away. “I’m sorry. If you let me up, I’ll get out of your room. I’ll go home and quit playing the lushy tease.”
Ronin sat up and reached down to grab the shirt that he had thrown over the footboard of his bed. “Slip this on, honey. You don’t have to go.”
Devin sat up a little, taking the shirt and holding it to her front and covering her nakedness, faintly visible in the moonlit room. Ronin leaned his forehead into his hands, obviously struggling to calm his lingering arousal, to curb the intense longing. His muscles were tense as took a few deep breaths. Only Devin’s sniffs and gasping inhalations broke the silence as she started to move off the bed. Ronin placed his hand on the bare skin of her arm.
“Stay,” he whispered, stilling her.
“Ronin, you should be mad at me. That wasn’t cool.” Devin turned her face away, feeling ashamed of her behavior, of her inability to give him what she had offered up to him a few moments before. Fat tears began to roll down her cheeks.
“I’m not mad,” Ronin said, his fingers on her jaw pulling her face back to his. “I’d do damn-fucking-near anything to keep going, but I’m not gonna push you. I’ve been where you are.”
Devin took a shaky breath.
“Sit up straight for a minute, Dev.”
Devin did and he gently pulled the big, flannel shirt from her hands, slipping it over her bare skin. The soft cotton, still warm from the heat of Ronin’s body, seemed to ease her vulnerability a touch. As he stood and reached for a pair of sleep pants, the moonlight accentuated the thick, powerful muscles of his back which tapered down to the firm curve of his ass. She averted her eyes and bit her lip at the glimpse of his tall, powerful frame. A faint rustle of fabric could be heard as he pulled on the pants. Devin struggled to calm her frazzled nerves, to stop the tears.
“Here, honey,” he said, quietly, handing her the panties he’d untangled from her dress. “I’ll be good, but it might not be a bad idea to put these back on.” He half-smiled with a strained look. “Hop up for a minute while I pull back the blankets.”
Devin clumsily scooted off the bed and crossed the room away from the window, slipping her underwear on under the shirt back in the darkest corner she could find. She seemed hyper-alert, but the effects of the alcohol were still strong and she felt a little dizzy and woozy. “Ronin,” she whispered while still hidden in the darkness, “I can go. You don’t have to…” She took another labored breath. “You don’t have to be so nice to me. I don’t really deserve it.”
Ronin crossed over to her shadowy form in the darkness. He placed his hands on either side of her jaw and tipped her head back. In the faint light that filtered through the window, he studied her solemnly as the tears continued to well up in her eyes. “What the fuck happened to you?” he breathed. “Why do you feel like all this is your fault? Honey, you were drunk. We both were. Still fuckin’ are, actually. It makes a person do stuff they might not otherwise do. You stopped it because you realized it wasn’t right. That is not a bad thing. You are not a bad person.” He paused for a split second. “God,” he muttered more to himself than to her, “I’d like to kick Jake’s fucking ass for knocking your spirit down so badly.” He brushed away a tear that was escaping down her cheek. “I want you to stay. I don’t want you to be alone. Shit, what you’re going through right now is lonely enough as it is and, especially with as much as you’ve had to drink tonight, if you were left alone with your thoughts of condemnation, you might do something even more damaging.”
Devin sniffled and lowered her gaze.
“Just let me hold you a while, give you some of my strength,” Ronin murmured. “Friends?”
For a long while, Devin contemplated this. She wanted to oh-so-badly. She wanted to feel his strong arms around her, his warmth to melt the gnawing chill that had settled around her heart. Finally, she looked back up at him, her teeth catching on her lower lip. His gaze flickered to her mouth as the white reflection caught a glint of faint light in the darkness, then back to the glint in her eyes, still pooling wet with tears. Finally, she nodded.
Ronin wrapped his arms tightly around her and kissed her forehead gently. “Let’s lay you down before you fall down, Dev,” he said with a half-smile, and he placed his hand on her shoulder and guided her back over to his bed. His touch brought a tingle to her skin, burning through the soft warmth of the shirt. Yet, it also strangely reassured her. It quieted the tumultuous discord in her mind.
Ronin pulled back the covers, and she slipped in between them. The soft flannel sheets immediately warmed her shivering legs. Ronin slid into bed beside her, pulling the top sheet and heavy quilt over them. He laid an unyielding arm around her flannel-encased waist, her back to his front, and drew her close. His face nestled in her hair, breathing her in.
“Go to sleep, baby. I know it’s not easy, but you’ll get through this.”
The music played on in the other room, and a muffled echo of laughter reverberated through the walls. In spite of this, exhausted by the booze and the emotional turmoil, Devin began to fade off to sleep taking comfort in the feel of his hands smoothing her hair back from her face, the warmth of his large body absolving her soul, and the twinkle of stars glittering through the window above his headboard.
As Devin’s breathing slowed into a deep, rhythmic pattern, Ronin’s own mind fought sleep. He focused on her shadowy face in the darkened room. This girl was a disaster; so small, pretty, frail, and wounded. He had been drawn to her since she first stepped into his house a few days ago. He had wanted her, with her hot little skirt, long wavy hair, and big sad green eyes that invoked the hero deep inside him.
And tonight… Tonight she had fervently kissed him and implored him with her breathy pleas. The excitement of her in his arms had shot straight through his body, making him instantly hard as granite. All his well-meaning resolve had crumbled as he felt her lips on his neck, her hands clutching low on his back as she franticly pulled him towards her. The intensity of her desire, coupled with the poor judgment of his own inebriated mind, lowered his inhibition. With a fierce groan deep in his throat, he had kissed her back.
Ronin had tried desperately to be smart about it all. He really, really tried. He knew she was absolutely plowed. He knew she would probably hate him in the morning. He knew with every fiber of his soul that giving into the passion she evoked was a bad idea.
&n
bsp; But good God, he wanted her.
When she had whispered she was clean, that she wanted him without a condom, he had just about lost it right there. The thought of being inside her bare, as wet and silky as she’d felt when he touched her, made him swell and pulse. He had steeled himself to stay in control.
Please… she had whispered again.
And he had been completely lost in her. It had damn near killed him when she cried out Wait!
What they’d been doing a few moments before had been… amazing. Maybe it was beer goggles or maybe it was their drunken lack of restraint. Whatever it was, it was… Wow!
Until her hysteria had cut through his voracious lust, and he’d reigned himself in. It was physically painful, but he’d done it. The overwrought catch in her voice had penetrated his burning need to bury himself inside her, and he had stopped. He had held her as she cried. He had instantly become her protector again.
He wanted her. Sweet Jesus, he wanted her. But he had realized in that very moment that he wanted her whole even more.
He’d not lied when he’d told her he’d been there. Thoughts of Kim still sometimes haunted him, still invaded his dreams. Her beauty, her laughter, her soft touch. The jagged wound she had left. At one time, she had been the center of his world. It was all laying there before him—a wife, a family, a future. But it was nothing but a foolish dream. An act by a skilled actress.
Devin shifted in her sleep, and a frown marred her soft, placid expression. Ronin brushed his fingers across the curve of her jaw. “Shhh, sleep, baby,” he whispered.
“Jake,” she murmured.
His heart twisted a little for her. It twisted a little for himself as well. What would it be like to be loved that much? He nuzzled the softness of her hair, smelling the fresh, crisp scent which mingled slightly with a faint whiff of the passion that had surged in them a short time ago. “It will all be okay, honey,” he promised with a whisper, wishing he believed it. “Just sleep.”
Little Conversations Page 3