Devin.
He had to stop thinking about her.
He had to stop remembering the salty taste of her tears when they last kissed. Right after he had held her and loved her. He had to forget the excruciating torment that had radiated from her while she lay there in his arms.
Had she been crying for Jake? Still?
His gut twisted as he recalled pulling her closer to him, wanting to reassure her. Wanting to love her, to tell her he loved her, to spill out his heart… but afraid of her response. Afraid of her feelings for Jake.
Apparently, his doubts were well-founded. After all, she had left with Jake that night.
Seeing Kim had been shocking to him. The disbelief shook him when he walked out of his room and saw her standing there. A moment of anger that she would just show up like that. Then the panic struck. His anxious mind raced desperately, wondering how she would try and fuck things up for him and Devin. Kim was heartless. Cold. Calculating. She had used her looks and her innocent blue eyes to sway him before, but, in hindsight, she had always been so manipulative.
And then, like a perfect storm, Jake had shown up. Wanting Devin back, just like she’d always dreamed. She’d always told him this would happen. Her love for Jake was so strong that it had brought him back to her. Ronin’s chest ached as he closed his eyes, still seeing the distressed expression on her face. Still feeling the turmoil emanating from her. He knew she didn’t want to hurt him. He knew she cared for him to a certain extent. Devin wasn’t the type to do what she’d done with him if she didn’t.
But they had only ever said they were friends.
With a cold emptiness, Ronin had stood there watching as tears had filled Devin’s eyes when Jake appeared before her. In that moment, he had realized there was no choice. His soul cried out to beg her to stay with him, to not leave with Jake. But their riveted audience and his fragment of pride kept him rigid. His heart squeezed as he thought of her making a conscious decision to run back to Jake yet again. To choose Jake over him.
So he’d taken the choice away from her. He had given her an out. His had slipped his arm around Kim’s shoulders, and that was all Devin had needed. A cold smile and a nod, and she was out the door. Jake had followed her outside, and a few moments Ronin had heard Jake’s pickup pull away. He hadn’t seen her since.
Her little duplex was empty when he’d driven past a few days later. She must have moved to be with him at school.
Just like that… she was really, truly gone.
As soon as Devin had walked out his door, he’d brushed off Kim and went into his room, locking the world away. He didn’t want to see anyone. He certainly didn’t want to see Kim. He’d lain down on his bed where he could still smell Devin in his blankets. Only a few moments before, she had been there. She had been holding him, touching him, kissing him… thinking of Jake.
Kim stayed in town for a few days, calling a few times to ask if she could see him. She’d said she had missed him on the messages she left. Ronin answered once to tell her not to call again. Then he’d hung up. He didn’t want to talk to her. He didn’t want to see her. For all he’d thought he’d felt for her so long ago, it hadn’t been a hair’s breadth of what he’d felt with Devin.
The night Devin left was rough. Saturday was excruciating. Party skanks took full advantage of Devin’s absence to smother him with affection. They lowered their necklines and shortened their skirts. Their heels got sluttier, as did their behavior. Again, he’d barricaded himself in his room, alone. A couple weeks later, and things were still exactly the same. Ronin dreaded the weekends these days. Life was so much easier on the job site. He could occupy his mind and keep busy.
Unlike now, watching Amy and Matt dancing in the crowd as Shane kept a close eye on his little sister. Joe and Shane had cajoled him into coming out after they got back from the mountains today. Obviously concerned for his sanity, they thought maybe stopping at the bar would help break his pathetic melancholy. But the band was the same that had been here a few weeks before, and their sound brought back the feeling of Devin in his arms. The taste of Devin on his lips. The smell of her in his nostrils and the sound of her voice softly telling him the stories about the stars.
He had to get out of here.
He sucked down the rest of his beer and stood, turning to Joe. “I’m heading home.”
Joe nodded in understanding.
Ronin stepped outside and rounded the corner to his truck parked along the side street next to the bar. A couple was deeply enthralled in some serious mashing out up against the building, and Ronin averted his eyes, trying to un-see what he’d just seen. But, wait… Ronin froze.
Jake?
And that leggy blonde trampy thing he was with was certainly not Devin.
Ronin stormed over and pulled Jake away from the girl. “You fucking ass!” he bellowed. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Where the fuck is Devin!?”
“Jesus, Ronin! Calm down,” Jake said, taking a few steps back. “Don’t fucking hit me again. I’m not doing anything wrong.”
“What the hell do you call this!?” Ronin yelled, pointing his thumb over his shoulder at the Barbie girl who was pulling her skirt back down to a semi-respectable length. He grabbed Jake by the shoulders and pushed him up against the brick wall of the building. “You won’t ever fuckin’ learn, will you!?”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Jake sputtered. “What, do you want this one too? Because she’s still in high school. I think she’s a little young for you, Ronin!”
Ronin stared at Jake, his chest heaving with anger and frustration as he grabbed Jake’s shirt in clenched fists. “No, you little fucker. WHERE. THE. FUCK. IS. DEVIN!?” With each word, he pulled Jake forward and slammed him back against the wall.
“Hell if I know!” Jake threw back at him, his brave words belying the fear in his eyes. “I haven’t seen her in weeks. Not since the night you threw her out of your house.”
The words took a second to permeate Ronin’s brain. His heart literally stopped beating, and his breath caught in his throat.
“What?” he croaked as he lifted Jake by the front of his shirt, pushing him even harder into the wall.
A genuine fear lit up in Jake’s eyes. “I mean that she told me to fuck off after she left your place, and I haven’t seen her since!”
“Wait, no… she left with you!”
“Fuck, Ronin…” Jake babbled anxiously, “she didn’t want anything to do with me. She yelled at me to leave her the fuck alone and took off walking. She won’t return my calls. I don’t know where she is, but it isn’t with me.”
Ronin released Jake and stumbled back a few steps in complete shock.
“But, she doesn’t live there anymore…” he mumbled bewilderedly.
“Ronin, seriously, dude. I don’t know where she is. I’ve been in Billings. I’m only back for the weekend. I haven’t seen her, I swear.” Jake brushed at the wrinkles Ronin had put in his shirt and walked back over to his date, putting an arm around her shoulders. She looked nervously back and forth between the two, appearing relieved that they weren’t going to come to blows.
Ronin stared at Jake another minute, trying to make sense of it all. Suddenly, he turned on his heel and stalked back into the bar. Standing at the doorway, he craned his neck and saw Amy rubbing up against Matt out on the dance floor. Ronin worked his way through the swinging crowd and tapped Amy on the shoulder. She blanched a little at the fierce expression on his face.
“Where’s Devin?”
Amy didn’t say anything at first. She studied him closely, trying to determine how much to tell him.
“Amy, please…” Ronin beseeched with an utterly broken look in his eyes. “I’ve got to find her.”
Amy looked up at Matt who gave her a slight nod. “Tell him what you know,” he murmured.
“I’m not exactly sure—” Amy began, and Ronin looked away with a frustrated sigh. “I only know she’s gone. Not to school. Not with Jake. But she
couldn’t stay here, Ronin. Not with Kim back.”
“Kim’s not back,” Ronin interrupted. “She was in town, but not with me.”
“But that night…” Amy looked confused. “…what you said.”
“Devin’s always wanted Jake, Amy. How could I compete with that? She’s been in love with him for fuckin’ ever. I gave her an out…”
Amy smiled sadly and shook her head. “Ronin, you idiot.” She looked up at Matt again, then back to Ronin. “I honestly don’t know where, exactly. But she said something about California…”
Chapter 22 – Liar
As had become her pattern for the past few weeks, Devin spent most of her time sitting on the bluff overlooking the beach, watching the sun work its way towards the pacific horizon. The Del Mar sky was turning quiet and gray for winter, matching her melancholy. Every so often, a blink would push a tear from her eyes, the whipping wind chilling it as it ran down her cheek. She really shouldn’t miss him. But she did. Every day. She shouldn’t, though. It wasn’t real, not for him.
She heard the faint chirp emanate from her iPhone. A text. Should she even read it? Eventually her morbid curiosity won out. Could she really feel any worse anyway? She sincerely doubted it.
Devin pulled her phone from her sweatshirt pocket to see the text was from Ronin. Yep, she could feel worse.
You ok?
Two weeks without a word. Nothing since that night in his kitchen. Nothing since he told her that she was just a stand in for Kim. Loneliness and loss morphed into anger and indignation. She took a deep breath and lied her ass off.
Never better J
And she even added the smiley for good measure. Overkill maybe. It actually sorta made her want to throw up. She went to slip the phone back in her pocket when she got an immediate response from Ronin.
Liar
What the hell did he know? He thought she’d go back to Jake. After those last few amazing days they were together, the intense emotion of every touch, every breath almost whispering of love… and then the ice-cold goodbye. What right did he have to dredge up all this bullshit?
Really, I’m great
Her phone chirped again.
You didn’t go back to Jake
Devin’s heart stopped beating. Every breath she took was increasingly labored and shaky as she fought a full-on flood of tears. She reeled for a response that wouldn’t make her sound pathetically sentimental. Something that would not sound as though she was pining away for him. She fought the burn of tears, her hands began shaking as she raised one of them to her mouth to stem the sob developing there. Her mind drew a blank, but her iPhone buzzed again.
Why didn’t you go back to Jake?
Devin choked back a shuddering breath. Why was he doing this!? He had been very clear. She was a stand-in for Kim, someone to fuck around with to take his mind off who he really wanted. Just friends… nothing more. Channeling this train of thought, she fed off her anger, gathering strength to respond, even as tears poured down her cheeks.
Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t change anything. It’s all ok.
And she got an immediate response.
Then why are you crying?
Devin froze, staring at her phone for a minute. What the fuck? How the hell does he know? She was thousands of miles from home. Only Amy, Joanie, and Sorcha even knew she was gone, and Amy and Joanie didn’t even really know exactly where. She hadn’t even told her family she was leaving. Suddenly, her phone began to beep and a message popped up on the screen.
(( Find my iPhone alert ))
Thoroughly confused, she numbly touched ‘OK’ on the screen and the beeps stopped. Over the surf below, she heard Ronin’s gentle, deep voice behind her.
“Why, baby? Why didn’t you go back to Jake?”
Devin was unable to move, unable to speak, unable to breathe. She felt him come closer to sit beside her on the sandy bluff with his back to the sea, his left shoulder brushing against hers. She lifted her gaze to see those hazel eyes, not cold and impassive, but warm and sincere.
With a barely audible voice, she tremulously answered. “I didn’t want Jake. I, um…”
No! Devin’s mind scolded her emotion into check, and she forced her gaze back over the ocean below. This was all too raw, and she couldn’t give him the power to hurt her again, not after he’d so coldly clarified how he felt. He had pushed her away so easily before. She was only a stand-in. She closed her eyes, drawing on the anger again, pulling it to the surface to hide her vulnerability.
“What are you doing here!?” She wanted to shout, but it came out more like a squeak, and a pathetic one at that. “Where’s Kim?” She closed her eyes, trying to be strong, and that was so hard with him sitting there beside her.
The wind in her hair drew his hands to her face, and he gingerly turned her gaze to him as his thumbs brushed away her tears. Her trembling increased, and she couldn’t hold back a shuddering breath. Opening her eyes, she lifted her gaze to his. The dazzling certainty in his expression kindled the emotion she was so desperately trying to tamp down.
“I don’t know where Kim is.” Ronin shook his head. “I don’t care where Kim is. I had to find you. God, honey, I didn’t want to let you go, but you loved him so fucking much. I wanted to… I wanted you to have what you wanted.” Ronin took a deep breath as his hands traced the bottom of her ears. “And then, you didn’t go back to him. Melanie was gone, they were over. But you didn’t go back to him. And every day that went by, every second, baby… I missed you.”
Devin’s tears began in earnest now. There was no stopping them as Ronin continued.
“And when I say I missed you, I mean I really fuckin’ missed you.” His eyes closed for a moment, then opened as his gaze locked onto hers. His voice dropped to a whisper. “I love you, Devin. I tried so fucking hard not to, but I just… couldn’t. You are just too easy to love.”
The dam burst in her. It all broke free—her resolve, her anger, her restraint. Devin threw herself into his arms. She buried her face into his neck, breathing in the scent of his skin.
“Ronin,” Devin breathed into his skin, “I never thought I’d see you again. I couldn’t stay there and see you. I love you too much… it just hurt too bad…”
His arms locked around her and one hand tangled into her hair possessively. She clutched at his shoulders as she cried earnestly. As the sun disappeared into the ocean, Ronin held her. Ronin loved her.
“Shhh, it’s okay, honey,” he whispered. “I love you. I won’t fuck it up again, okay? Ever again.”
Slowly, her tears began to diminish as they murmured their words of love. Of forever. Of devotion and forgiveness.
The sun had fallen below the horizon and twilight was upon them. Devin pulled back from him slightly and studied him through red-rimmed eyes. He looked exhausted. Her hand reached up to brush her thumb against the coarse stubble of his jaw. He didn’t look like he’d shaved in a couple days. His clothes were rumpled, and he had his work boots on.
“Ronin, you look, um…” she half-laughed and half-stuttered, “you kinda look like shit.”
Ronin smiled sadly back at her. “I had to find you. I found out you weren’t with Jake, and I just had to. I left the bar and drove straight to Bozeman. I didn’t even go home. I stood there in the ticket line at the airport using that fuckin’ little iPhone app to find out where you were. I showed it to the ticket agent, and said I needed to go there, as fast as I could.”
Devin was absolutely flabbergasted. He smiled wider at the dumbfounded cast to her eyes.
“I did the same thing in the cab when I landed. I showed my phone to the driver and told him to take me there.”
“Jesus…” Devin breathed. “Wasn’t all that a little expensive?”
“Doesn’t fuckin’ matter.”
“Why didn’t…” Devin breathed, “why didn’t you just call me?”
“I had to see you, baby.” Ronin’s hands enveloped her cheeks, his thumbs brushing along her cheekbones a
s his fingers slipped around the base of her head. He touched his forehead to hers. “I just had to…”
Del Mar with Ronin was an amazingly different experience. Devin took him back to Sorcha’s, and introduced him to Lancôme. A little yap-dog, in his opinion, but she did see him scratching the pooch behind the ears a time or two when he thought she wasn’t looking.
Devin went to warm up some leftover Vietnamese food for dinner while he took a quick shower to rid himself of the ick of work, the bar, the flight, and the cab. After putting the food in the microwave, she took him some towels and ended up in the shower with him, wrapped in his arms, up against the tiled wall as he reacquainted himself with her body. Only now, he freely whispered against her skin how he cherished her. As she came in his arms, she freely cried out how much she adored him in return. He kissed her tears away, knowing they were tears of happiness and completion. Tears of love.
First thing in the morning, they went shopping. Knowing what he liked, Ronin was easy to clothe. Some Levis and a couple t-shirts, some boxer briefs and socks, and a pair of flannel pants was all he would need.
They climbed the mesa near Torrey Pines, then drove to have lunch at Poseidon on the Beach in Del Mar Village. Devin told Ronin the story of how Poseidon placed Delphin the dolphin among the stars to thank him for persuading Amphitrite to give it up. The young sea nymph wasn’t too keen on losing her virginity, but Delphin had convinced her to marry Poseidon, and was thusly honored by the sea god. Of course, Amphitrite was one of the sea nymphs who later got pissed at Cassiopeia for being so vain, and there was that whole sea monster issue with Perseus, but that story had already been told.
They spent some time walking along the beach, Lancôme pitter-pattering alongside them and skipping away from the water that skimmed the sand. She still barked incessantly at every seagull and jogger, although she quieted as Ronin picked her up and carried her. Seeing the little purse-dog perched happily in Ronin’s strong and gentle arms made Devin smile. As the sun began to set, they walked back up to sit on the sandy bluffs overlooking the ocean, watching it dip below the horizon with Lancôme curled up at their feet.
Little Conversations Page 19