by Anne Bennett
‘I am more than fond of Carmel, Mother,’ Paul said with a hint of exasperation. ‘I have told you this before. I love her.’
‘Funny way you had of showing it, that’s all I can say,’ Emma said through tightened lips. ‘And kindly do not use that tone with me. I was not the one who behaved so disgracefully.’
Paul was suddenly engulfed with shame for what he had put Carmel through. He had been drunk, very drunk, but that was no excuse for the conduct his mother had described. It was imperative now that he saw Carmel and tried to explain and, most of all, apologise, beg her forgiveness and promise that such a thing would never happen again.
‘You put the girl into an almost impossible situation,’ Emma told her son irritably. ‘All it did was show her how out of place she was. She is not of our set or class and never will be. Can’t you see that?’
Paul could hardly believe what his mother had just said. He finished the tea and replaced it on the tray before saying, ‘You, Mother, are a snob and living in the last century. It is not all this class-conscious and knowing-your-place stuff at the hospital, Mother. There it is totally different.’
‘It is not snobbish to know where you stand in the social order,’ Emma protested. ‘And you mock people knowing their place, but let me tell you, it oils the wheels that civilisation runs on. Not everyone can be a boss. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, Paul,’ she chided. ‘If we hadn’t had the means to finance you, you would be no doctor, so don’t go all high and mighty on me now. You have a duty to us, your parents, and the class you were born into to take your proper place in society once you have finished this compulsory year at the hospital.’
‘I am grateful for your help and support,’ Paul said. Then added, ‘I wasn’t aware it came with conditions.’
‘Don’t be like this, Paul,’ Emma said. ‘It’s just when all this socialist claptrap is over and you go into private practice, when you take a wife, she will need to have the right sort of breeding and gentility to help further your career.’
‘Someone like Melissa, in fact, who wouldn’t go along with the socialist claptrap at all?’
Emma missed the sarcasm in Paul’s voice and the sardonic glint in his eye. ‘Exactly like Melissa,’ she said, ‘Now, your father has been making an few enquiries and he says—;’
‘Mother,’ Paul said in slight amazement, ‘you do not know me at all. There is no way on God’s earth I want either to marry Melissa or to have a private practice.’
‘Don’t be so foolish, Paul. Of course you do.’
‘No, Mother, I do not,’ Paul said. ‘Anyway, if you will excuse me I need to dress. I have a date with a beautiful girl who I know will be waiting for me.’
‘But what about the Chisholms?’ Emma cried. ‘Melissa will be so disappointed.’
‘Haven’t you listened to a word I’ve said?’ Paul cried, exasperated. ‘I can’t go. You must see that. I have a prior engagement,’ he added with a slight smile.
‘You can’t do this,’ Emma cried. ‘You can’t shame me in this way. At the party you agreed. You said it was a grand idea.’
‘Then you must apologise on my behalf,’ Paul said. ‘But you know as well as I that the arrangements I made with Melissa and her parents, I wasn’t really capable of making. Take Matthew to make up the numbers.’
‘Matthew is dead to the world,’ Emma said. ‘And likely to remain so for many hours. Anyway, they don’t want Matthew. It is you Melissa is sweet on.’
‘That is the very thing I don’t want to encourage,’ Paul said. ‘You said I am not ready to settle down, Mother, but I am; with the right girl I am more than ready and that girl is Carmel. So, if that is all, Mother, I really have got to get dressed.’
Emma gave Paul a baleful look as she swept angrily from the room.
Paul did feel guilty about upsetting his mother, but not half as guilty as he would have done if he had let Carmel down. Despite the claim that he was not up to rushing, he leaped from the bed as soon as the door closed and dressed as quickly as he could, ignoring his thumping head and churning stomach, desperate to be out of the house and on his way to meet Carmel.
After Carmel had eaten breakfast, she returned to the room with Lois and changed into the outfit she had specially chosen for the day she would spend with Paul. The dress was pale green and had a matching jacket. She had bought it in the second-hand stall in the market and although it had been cheap enough, with the vagaries of the British climate, she had thought at the time that she mighty get little wear out of it. But it was made for a day such as this. The September sun shone down from a sky of Wedgwood blue and the only clouds were light and fluffy.
‘It sets your hair off beautifully,’ Lois said enviously. ‘You lucky thing. All you need do is brush it and it falls into natural curls and looks terrific. You just need a wee bit of powder…’
‘Oh, I don’t know Lois,’ Carmel said, for she wasn’t at all sure about using cosmetics.
‘Do you want to meet Paul with a shiny nose?’
‘Oh God!’ cried Carmel, her hands flying to her face. ‘Have I a shiny nose?’
‘No,’ said Lois with a smile, ‘but are you prepared to run the risk of getting one? Come on now, trust Auntie Lois.’
A few minutes later in the washroom, with powder dusted across her face, rouge on her cheeks, brown shadow on the lids of her eyes and her lips scarlet, Carmel gazed at her reflection in the mirror.
‘I don’t look fast, do I?’ she asked worriedly.
‘No,’ Lois stated. ‘Why should you? How can you think that just because you are wearing cosmetics to enhance your natural beauty? It isn’t a sin, Carmel. You’re not in some little town in Ireland now either, but in Birmingham where people think it is all right to get dressed up, made up and off out to have a good time.’
Carmel was still biting her bottom lip in uncertainty and Lois caught hold of her hands. ‘Listen to me,’ she said. ‘You are a truly beautiful girl and out in the street there will be few to even come close to you. You will dazzle the eyes from Paul when he sees you. Now will you stop fretting? This lesser mortal, namely me, needs to get herself ready for her own day out with her own man and, God knows, I will have to work harder than you for less effect. So, I would be obliged if you would stop worrying and sling your hook while I start on myself.’
Carmel left Lois alone, but she was at a loose end. She felt overdressed for the common room and yet her nerves were jumping about too much for her to settle to read. The room too was rather stuffy and she wished she could go outside and wait for Paul, but she was certain sure that Lois would frown on that idea and say it made her look forward and quite desperate.
The fact was, she was desperate. After that awful party, she needed to see that Paul had not changed, that he loved her still and as soon as she saw him she would know.
Lois had finished her ablutions, dressed in her finery and gone out to meet Chris before eventually Sister Magee knocked on the door and said that Dr Connolly was waiting for Carmel downstairs. She stopped only to pick up her bag, before flying down to meet him. She took in his slightly bloodshot eyes as she came closer, and guessed he would be suffering a hangover, but she saw also those eyes were full of love for her and she felt her whole body relax.
Paul thought he had never seen anything lovelier than the sight of Carmel that day, descending the stairs at a rate of knots in her beautifully made clothes and smart high-heeled shoes. But better by far was the love light shining in her beautiful eyes, and he felt his heart skip a beat and his stomach tighten. He knew he would love Carmel and only Carmel till the breath left his body, and that a lifetime wouldn’t be long enough to show her how much he loved her.
He caught her up in his arms at the bottom of the steps and swung her round. ‘I am so sorry I am late,’ he said, seeing her face light up with delight and a little relief. ‘To my shame I overslept.’
‘It’s all right,’ Carmel assured him. ‘We hadn’t specified a time.’
‘Even so…’
Carmel didn’t want to discuss it further, discuss anything at all under the watchful eye of the home sister. She could see Sister Magee’s lips pursed tight in disapproval and knew that though she would say nothing to Paul—for he was now Dr Connolly, no errant medical student—she could say plenty to Carmel on her return about the proper way to behave.
‘You still do want to marry me?’ Paul asked, as the two of them made for the city centre, remembering his mother’s words that morning.
‘What a question!’ Carmel said. ‘What made you ask it?’
‘I thought maybe you had doubts,’ Paul said. ‘After the party, I mean.’
It was on the tip of Carmel’s tongue to say that it was all right now, that she had no problem. However, there were unresolved issues from that party that she had been dreadfully upset about. If she didn’t speak of this now, while she had the chance, it could easily fester in her head and cause suspicion to enter and maybe spoil their relationship.
And so she said, ‘We do need to talk about what happened at that party, Paul, but not in the street. Let’s go to a coffee house and discuss it properly.’
Neither Paul nor Carmel spoke until the coffee was before them, and then Paul reached across and took hold of Carmel’s hands.
‘I want to apologise for the awful time you had at the party. I can, in all truth, remember little of it, but my mother filled in many of the blanks, and even the bits I can recall I am bitterly ashamed of.’
‘I’m glad you feel that way, truly I am,’ Carmel said. ‘For I have seldom been as miserable as I was last night. To see you with other girls draped all over you and you seeming not to care, lapping it up, rather…’
‘They are girls I have known for years,’ Paul put in defensively.
‘I know, your mother told me that,’ Carmel said. ‘She actually took great pleasure in telling me. The point is, Paul, it really doesn’t make a ha’p’orth of difference how long you have known someone; there is a way to behave when you are promised to another and in my opinion you went way, way beyond that. I mean,’ she went on, ‘how would you feel if a few fellows were to come here from Ireland and I was to sit kissing and cuddling them and tell you that it was all right, that I had known them all my life? Would that be all right with you, Paul?’
Just the thought of another man putting his arms around Carmel made Paul feel sick and he realised how deeply he must have hurt her. ‘No, of course it wouldn’t, and I quite see that that was very wrong. The girls weren’t aware I wasn’t available.’
‘I know that, but you did, and so you shouldn’t have entered into it quite so wholeheartedly,’ Carmel said. ‘Anyway this whole thing was engineered by your mother.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘I mean this business of not telling people we were engaged until we got the ring and made the announcement properly,’ Carmel said. ‘The announcement could have been made at the party, made part of the celebrations. You had been in hospital for weeks. No one would think it strange that we hadn’t bought a ring yet, and those girls would know then that you were spoken for. You have done them a disservice too, because you were sending them the wrong messages, especially the tall one with blonde hair.’
‘Melissa?’
Carmel shrugged. ‘If that is her name, yes, Melissa.’
‘She and I were rather a couple before I began medical school,’ Paul said.
‘Well, she wouldn’t be averse to taking up again where you left off,’ Carmel said. ‘She made that patently obvious.’
Paul knew Carmel spoke the truth. His mother had actually said that she was still sweet on him and she had also said he took her outside and they came back looking dishevelled. He could remember nothing and just hoped he hadn’t gone too far with her.
‘Paul, what is it?’ Carmel said, noticing his preoccupation.
Paul made an effort to pull himself together. Carmel must never know about that. ‘Nothing,’ he said. ‘The point is, Melissa and I were just kids then, and we both agreed we were too young. I was off to med school and she had her higher certificate to do and then was off to finishing school in Switzerland for two years.’
‘Well,’ Carmel commented drily. ‘Melissa is no longer a kid and I would say has been finished off very nicely. Now she is a very beautiful young lady who wants Dr Paul Connolly and nothing would please your mother more.’
Paul didn’t deny it. He might have done but for the words he had had with his mother that morning. He nodded his head. ‘Melissa probably did want that,’ he said. ‘And I must take some responsibility for it because I made no effort to put her straight. In fact, I played along with her so that, in all fairness, she could easily think that I was as interested as she was. As for my mother…look, Carmel, you may as well know, because I want no secrets between us. Apparently sometime yesterday evening, after you left, I agreed to go sailing today with Melissa and her family. I had no recollection of it and was in no fit state to make any sort of arrangement by then anyway.’
‘What happened?’
‘Well, I’m here, aren’t I?’
‘That isn’t what I asked.’
‘All right,’ Paul said with a sigh. ‘I had a row with my mother and refused to even think about going sailing with Melissa or anyone else. And you are right: she admitted she would like Melissa or someone like her to be my wife eventually.’
‘Did she actually say so?’
‘This morning she did,’ Paul said. ‘She has my whole future mapped out. She wants me to marry someone like Melissa and then, when I have finished the stint at the Queen’s Hospital, she wants me in a private practice.’
‘And Melissa would be a more suitable wife for you in that sort of life,’ Carmel said. ‘She said as much to me. And how do you feel, Paul?’
‘Do you need to ask?’
‘Yes,’ Carmel said. ‘Yes, I really think I do, because this isn’t just about your mother; it is about you and being responsible for your actions and not making excuses and blaming others.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I’ll tell you what I mean,’ Carmel said. ‘You knew that I would be nervous in those surroundings. I never knew you lived in such luxury, with servants and everything.’
‘We haven’t—well, I mean, not that many servants, only a cook, a daily and a gardener. All the others were hired for the evening.’
‘Lois said that too. She was surprised the whole thing was so extravagant. I think your mother planned that to make me feel even more inadequate and I can tell you now, she succeeded.’
Paul looked sheepish. Carmel was no fool and she had just hit the nail on the head.
‘And then we went to dinner and things got worse,’ Carmel continued. ‘I hadn’t a clue what cutlery or glass to use and you knew that too. You told me to watch you and then spent almost the entire meal talking to your mother and what I saw most of the time was your back.’
Paul remembered that his mother had seemed to have a lot to talk about with him. If he did turn around to see how Carmel was getting on, his mother would be plucking at his sleeve to bring his attention back to her, and his wine glass, he recalled, was constantly full. He faced the fact that his mother had gone out of her way to scare Carmel off and though he resented her for this, he hated himself more for not even trying to do something about it.
‘I can’t tell you how bad I feel about all this,’ Paul said. ‘To be perfectly honest, after the meal much is hazy, but I do remember when the dancing began you were sitting as far away from me as you could be. Was that Mother’s doing as well?’
‘Of course it was,’ Carmel said. ‘She was trying her best to split us up.’
‘Carmel,’ said Paul, ‘my mother said this morning that she wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t want to see me any more and now I understand why. I behaved disgracefully towards you. I promise here and now that such a thing will never happen again.’
‘No, it won’t,’ Carmel said fier
cely. ‘Because I won’t go to your house again. If ever I have to meet your parents I will meet them on neutral ground somewhere.’
‘I don’t blame you at all,’ Paul said. ‘And knowing how my mother feels and what she is capable of, though I had thought I would stay at home for a little while and my mother expects it, I will go into lodgings with Chris. We’ve talked about it anyway. One thing I do know, I will not stay at home and have my mother nearly pushing me into Melissa’s arms at every opportunity.’
‘Would she still do that even if we were officially engaged?’
‘She might easily if she could convince herself that it was for my own good,’ Paul said grimly. ‘Anyway, I am not prepared to risk it. Come on,’ he said, standing up and pulling Carmel to her feet, ‘let us away to choose the ring so that everyone knows where my heart lies.’
The ring Carmel chose, a larger diamond surrounded by a cluster of smaller ones, was not the dearest in the jeweller’s range by any means. Though it did look perfect on Carmel’s hand, the man knew many women would have gone for the most expensive, whether suitable or not. He warmed to the young and very handsome couple and he congratulated them heartily and wished them a happy marriage well blessed with children.
Carmel said nothing about this until they were aboard the train that was taking them to the huge park in Sutton Coldfield where they had decided to spend the day. Then she said, ‘Paul, you know what the jeweller said about children?’
‘Mmm,’
‘Well, the thing is, I don’t want any.’
‘I don’t either,’ Paul said. ‘Not yet, anyway.’
‘I mean not ever,’ Carmel insisted.
‘Oh, darling, ever is a long time,’ Paul said.
‘I mean it, though, Paul. I have seen enough of children to last me a lifetime and, anyway, I want to nurse.’ She bit her lip in consternation and said, ‘I just hope I won’t be expected to give it up once I am married.’
‘Why should you?’