“I can’t see you hauling boxes, little brother.”
“Of course not. That’s what movers are for.” Theodore took a sip of beer. “Why all of these changes now. Is this because of Michelle?”
“Some. Truth be told, I’d always figured that I’d get married some day. Live a simple, quiet life somewhere.”
Theodore rolled his eyes.
“Well, you know what I’m saying here. You’re a tough act to follow, Theo, so I didn’t even try because I can’t, and I was born first. Unfortunately, it is even worse with Michelle. Now I want to try.”
“Interesting. Is your male ego so fragile that you can’t deal with the thought of a woman being more successful?”
It sounds really pitiful when put that way. “Maybe.”
“Connor, she loved you for who you are.”
And who was that? Connor, the philanderer, Connor the incredible lover, or Connor the wanna-be executive chef? He truly doubted it was Connor the philanderer that was the man of her dreams.
“You really think she loves me?”
“You’re my brother, aren’t you? Why wouldn’t she?” After a lengthy silence from Connor, Theodore leaned forward. “What? No sarcastic remark?”
Connor shook his head, knowing exactly what his younger brother was trying to do, and it was working. “Want to shoot some pool?”
“Depends on whether you are buying the beer this time?”
Already, Connor felt better. Michelle loved him. That’s what was important. He smiled. “Yeah. Tonight’s beer is on me.”
“Then I’d be happy to.”
* * * *
It was almost closing time at Killarney’s and the place was still crowded. Michelle was on her fourth drink and she was going to be sick. Julia looked fine, all five of her.
“You know, Dr. Phil had an entire miniseries on why guys run. Supposedly it’s some survival instinct when they feel threatened. I, myself, have another theory.”
“What’s that?” Michelle focused on the spinning Julia’s, but the world started to tilt.
“I need to get you home.”
* * * *
Sometime in the middle of the night, Michelle became aware of another presence in her apartment.
“Michelle? It’s Connor.”
“You jerk. You stinking jerk. I can’t believe that you—” Her stomach started to heave. “Oh no…I’m going to be sick.” She raced toward the bathroom. The toilet wavered in front of her, all three of them. “Connor. Help.”
A cool towel brushed against her forehead and another against the back of her neck. “It’s okay, love.”
“No, it’s not.” She emptied the contents of her stomach into the bowl, and she felt a soft hand on her hair.
“Don’t leave me, Connor.”
“I’ll be right here. I promise.”
Chapter Sixteen
The next morning, Michelle’s alarm sounded off too early, just like every day. Only today it hurt. She took a shower, and got dressed, cursing anything that contained alcohol, including her eye makeup remover. When she entered the living room, she stopped. There was Connor, asleep on her couch.
So it hadn’t been a dream. He had really shown up. Late, no note, no call, but still here. Then she realized all her anger had faded away. She smiled until her head started to throb again and then steadied herself against a chair. Mercifully, she made it to the kitchen and grabbed the ginger ale and crackers. It wasn’t Connor’s ham, tomato, and Swiss cheese quiche, but then she didn’t think she could stomach that this morning. She sat down next to him, just watching him sleep for a while.
He looked so relaxed. So content. He’d been that way when she first proposed the big plan. Lately, though, he’d been anxious and tense. Just like the millions of other people who worked too hard.
She wrote him a quick note and then walked out the door.
* * * *
Connor kept up a routine of sorts. He’d show up every night at Michelle’s, not too early, not too late. They’d make love, and then early in the morning, someone would sneak out first. He increased his hours, took some more double shifts. Lots of things were not discussed. Conversation stayed on innocent subjects—art, the pending settlement in Luis’s case. At some point, they would have to talk about the important things, but for now, Connor spent most of his waking hours at work. Which was good, because the less he thought of Michelle’s turbo-charged success, the better he felt.
By late June, Connor had become quite efficient at dodging serious conversations with Michelle. But that didn’t stop Theodore. Connor met up with him at Black Cayman. Theodore was becoming a regular. He seemed to really enjoy it. Connor barely had time to eat nowadays, but tonight was Theodore’s birthday.
“I haven’t seen Michelle lately. Why don’t we all go out to dinner?”
Connor reached for a handful of peanuts. He’d worked through lunch and he was starving. “Can’t. I have to work.”
Theodore looked around the bar, the healthy sign of a man checking out the prospects. “Why?”
“I’m thinking of taking Michelle to the Bahamas. I think it would be good for her to get away for a vacation.”
Theodore didn’t even scoff at the idea. “How is school going?”
That, he loved. For several hours a week, he could work at bettering himself. Achieving his dream of becoming an executive chef. These days it seemed like that was the only time he felt on top of the world. And he knew that wasn’t right. It wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. “Very well. I should be able to finish by the end of next year.”
“You are doing really well.”
“Yeah, it’s time I grew up.” Connor’s hand drummed on the table as he searched for the waitress. “I can’t wait for all of this to pan out. You think I’ll make a good executive chef?”
“Did Michelle ask you to do this?”
He really needed something to drink. “No, but I’m getting kind of tired of working as a sous chef. Don’t get me wrong. I love what I do, but it is getting old and I want to advance. I want to do something new.”
“You’re very determined to make this work, aren’t you?”
He was going to make it work, no matter what. If he kept repeating that to himself, maybe it would all work out. But most days, he worried because he just couldn’t keep up with her.
Finally, the waitress appeared. Connor ordered a cup of coffee and smiled. “I learned it from you, little brother.”
* * * *
On August 18, at exactly 11:26 a.m., Michelle received the news that Luis Garcia signed the settlement papers. He’d be set for life. Royal Cleaning Company would also contact all of the other companies who used their products during the time that the product was found to be harmful, and the rest of the Luis Garcias of the world would finally see justice.
By 3:15 p.m., Michelle’s entire office was happily ensconced in the bar at the Moorpark Hotel. Sigsmond propose a toast, with an arousing round of “hear, hear” echoing all around. For Michelle, it was a nice victory—she just wished Connor has been able to make it.
Once the congratulations had quieted down, Sigsmond pulled Michelle aside. This was it. She adjusted her blazer, and wished she’d worn something a little more professional than the royal blue suit.
“Michelle, you know you’ve been considered for a promotion for some time.”
Oh, boy, here it comes. Michelle smiled. “Yes, sir. You informed me of that a while back.”
“Well, this case has far exceeded our expectations—while it is being kept quiet for now, the potential publicity we’ll receive is going to be tremendous. We all know this case would not have come to light if it hadn’t been for you. I need someone like you working by my side for a long time to come. The Assistant Deputy Director position is yours if you’d like it.”
Assistant Deputy Director. Just what she’d waited to hear for so long. She waited for the thrill of accomplishment, the surge of satisfaction she’d feel from being offered the
promotion. After feeling nothing, she waited a little longer, sure that a wave of happiness was going to overwhelm her at any moment.
No wave. No nothing.
“Now, of course, you’ll have more responsibility around the office and you will do less field work, but we will ease you into everything.”
It all sounded extremely exciting, but Michelle had one thing on her mind. “Mr. Sigsmond, may I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“It’s about my schedule. I don’t know that I can put in any more time.” As it was, she didn’t spend enough time with Connor. She wasn’t willing to give up any more.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I’ve seen too many of the employees suffering from burnout, and I don’t want to see that happen to you. You’ve been carrying a huge caseload, Michelle. I’ve already talked to the higher ups and we’ll be hiring several new labor liaisons and personal assistants. Of course, one of them will be assigned to you. It will mean a lot less hours for you.”
Fewer hours. She couldn’t believe it. He actually wanted her to work less. But she wasn’t willing to gamble with Connor.
“Are you sure?”
He nodded.
She wanted to wrap her arms around his neck, but that wouldn’t be appropriate in the least. Instead, she shook his hand until he got embarrassed and cleared his throat and she realized what she was doing.
“In that case, you have a deal.”
“Great! Come by my office first thing Monday morning and we’ll complete the paperwork to make it official.”
“Okay.”
Michelle couldn’t stop grinning as her boss walked away. Assistant Deputy Director,” she said to herself, testing the title out on her tongue.
When she turned around, there was Connor.
And now, the day was perfect.
* * * *
It was after dark before they made it home. Connor picked up some roses on the way. It seemed fitting for the occasion. After all, it wasn’t every day that his girl received a promotion.
In her apartment, she walked in with a confident swagger. “Can you believe it?”
“I didn’t doubt it for a moment,” he said, which was absolutely the truth. Whatever she put her mind to, she did. Whatever she wanted, she worked until she got it. And all that seemed to make her happy.
It was the happy part that he didn’t get.
“I couldn’t have done this without you,” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck.
“I’m positive that I didn’t have anything to do with this.”
“No, I’m serious. Do you know how much I love you?”
“Why don’t you show me?” he asked, slipping easily into his incredible lover persona.
She made love to him the way that she did everything else. Perfectly. When he was inside her, he forgot that he wasn’t happy being anything but a sous chef. He forgot that he didn’t want to be perfect. He forgot everything but her.
It was a long while later, when she was drifting off to sleep, that he brushed a kiss against her hair. He whispered a quiet, “I love you” in her ear, and this time, he wrote a short note for her to find.
I love you, but I don’t think we should be together anymore. I’m sorry, I really did try. I wanted us to work out. For you, I would have done anything. But I still don’t think it would ever have been enough.
It wasn’t easy, but Connor had been kidding himself. He couldn’t complete with her. It was beyond irrational for him to even try. He twisted and angled to turn himself into something that he wasn’t, and tonight, as she stood there glowing with all her success, he realized there was absolutely nothing more he could do.
He didn’t want to hurt her, but the man she was in love with wasn’t him. She’d figure that out soon enough and then where would they be? Once again, he’d be Connor the disappointment.
He was out of options.
He left a rose on top of the note and took one last look. The light from the moon shone on her satin sheets, as if even the beams adorned her. His heart crumbled in his chest. Time to go. And so he left, leaving her behind.
* * * *
Michelle woke and reached out for Connor. Empty. She inhaled deeply, waiting for the aroma of breakfast to tickle her nose. Nothing. Well, once again, this didn’t look good. Frowning, she crawled out of bed and wandered into the living room and the kitchen. Nothing.
She walked back into the bedroom and then she saw the note. As she read, her smile faded. She sank back onto the bed and curled into a ball. Several hours passed before she was able to make it to the phone.
She dialed the one person in the world who had never let her down. “Hi, Dad. It’s Michelle. Guess what? I have some good news and some bad new…”
That was all she managed to get out before she started to cry.
Chapter Seventeen
The next day, she was ready to confront him. He had said he loved her. They could do anything if they loved each other. Love conquered all. A thousand other clichéd phrases raced around her brain. When she knocked on his door, she had her speech all ready.
Connor opened the door. “Hey.”
One simple word of greeting and her prepared speech suddenly didn’t feel right. “Hey.”
They both went inside, and he inclined his head toward the couch. Quietly, she sat. It was the first time she’d been back to his apartment since the night they’d watched the movie. It felt like a lifetime ago.
She tried to smile at him, but he watched her with such a solemn look in his eyes that she couldn’t. “Don’t you think you should have brought up your concerns about this to me?”
Connor hunched down in his chair. He looked so exhausted. “It’s my issue. I thought I could fix it. I was wrong.”
“And what exactly is the issue?”
He was silent for several long moments, and finally, he spoke. “I should be happy for you. I want to be happy for you. But I can’t. I can’t keep up with you and it’s tearing me apart.”
“This isn’t a competition between the two of us, Connor.”
Today, his eyes didn’t shine with happiness at all. Instead, they were dull with sadness.
“I never competed with Theodore. It took me some time to realize that it was okay for me to be content with the little piece of life that I was happy with. I knew what I was good at. I focused all of my energy toward that, but then I met you. I wanted to be more for you.”
She scooted forward, willing him to understand. “You don’t have to do that. Not for me. I love you the way you are, Connor.” The pain in his eyes brought tears to her own.
“Do you? What if some other guy comes along? Maybe he’s a little more successful than me. A doctor. A lawyer. Do I get compared to him?”
“There is only one of you, Connor. I can’t compare you to anyone.”
“But I do.” He rubbed the heel of his hand against his head. “I’m so sorry about this. I didn’t want to hurt you. I thought we could keep things simple.”
“You were wrong.”
“I can’t say that’s anything new.”
“Can’t you just go back to the way you were?”
“Yeah, sure. For a while. But insecurity combined with jealousy is not a good thing. It comes back around just when you least expect it.”
She’d never had a case she couldn’t figure out. Never a challenge she wasn’t up for. And sitting across from him was the biggest challenge she’d ever come up against, a man that she was in love with. And she couldn’t do a thing about it. “I love you.”
His expression lightened a little. “I love you, too. I didn’t want to tell you. At first, I was scared. And then later, I realized why women of your caliber don’t marry men of mine.”
There was one thing she could do. “What if I gave it up? I don’t have to accept the promotion.”
He stood and began to pace around the room. “Michelle, don’t do that.”
“You mean more to me that getting a p
romotion.”
Connor started to laugh. “This is exactly what I didn’t want. Now you’re going to start turning down every good thing in your life just so I can feel better about myself.”
“I don’t want to not have you in my life.”
“I want you in my life, too. But, Michelle, I want to be happy for you. I want to celebrate with you when you take on the world, and I can’t do that. I thought I could accelerate the plan to become an executive chef and everything would be fine, but you know what? All I’ve done is make myself miserable.”
“This is it, isn’t it?”
“I think so.”
She stood, not wanting to cry. “Good-bye, Connor.”
He stuck his hands in his pockets and walked her to the door. She wanted to touch him. One last kiss, one last embrace. But he had put up barriers that she couldn’t penetrate. As he closed the door behind her, she heard him say, “I really do love you, Michelle, and I wish I could have made it work.”
* * * *
Michelle returned to her old routine. She got up every morning on time. When she couldn’t sleep, she’d work on her computer at home. She was the new pride and joy in her division.
Now she didn’t care.
Her nails were perfectly manicured—all ten of them. Her desk was spotless, perfectly organized. She found comfort in order.
Although there were things she allowed. She kept her apartment sunshine yellow. Someday, she would change it, but for now, sunshine yellow suited her.
She liked reading romance novels. She could hear Connor’s voice reading to her. Sometimes, it made her cry, but eventually, the tears dried up.
* * * *
September went by in a haze. Connor still worked the extra hours. At first, he had cut back, wanted to go back to his old ways, his old contentment, but after two weeks, he realized that wasn’t going to happen. Work made it easier to get through the days, but the nights were pretty much hell.
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