I then pointed the rather stubby weapon at one of the metal crates and thought ‘fire’, but nothing happened. I tried again. As I tensed the muscles in my temples and forehead, I thought as hard as I could. In fact, so hard, I realised I needed the SaniDroid. I sat in there for a few minutes pondering what it was I wasn’t doing right. I examined the gun carefully on my lap and discovered that there was a retractable handle which I could pull out so that the business end of the gun was not so uncomfortably close to the fingers of my hand. I also, though didn’t want to test it out whilst in the SaniDroid obviously, thought I had found the safety catch in the menu of options I could see in my mind. Bet the safety catch was the reason I couldn’t fire it! So, now for a second try at firing this thing I thought, as I yanked my trousers up.
I wandered back to the cargo bay, re-erected the barrifield, slipped the earset on and all felt good. I extended the handle, saw the safety catch in my head, removed it and KABOOM, this time it fired. The first metal crate I shot at just disintegrated. I could feel the floor shake. I tried again and got a similar result. Then I found that I could regulate the intensity of the ‘Kaboom’ quite easily just by thinking less intensely. Concentrating my thoughts just for a moment on less of a ‘Kaboom’ led to the appearance of an intensity scale in my head that I could adjust just by thinking ‘lower’ or ‘higher’. I racked up several more crates, set the intensity to quite low and practiced some more.
As I practiced and remembered the old airspectacles I used to watch, with laserslingers fighting it out, I really started to enjoy myself. I held the gun folded in my hand and then imagined I had to draw and shoot before a metal crate shot me. I found very quickly that rather than pulling the handle of the weapon out, if I flicked my wrist sharply this had the effect of extending the handle in a flash, with just one hand involved. I could literally now go from folded gun in my right hand, to extended and ready to shoot, in an instant. I was concentrating on practicing this mega cool move so much that I failed to notice the appearance of Cat. The first that I knew he was there was when he spoke.
“What in the name of Astralidium are you playing at?”
Sadly, for us both, he spoke just as I was about to flick and startled me so much that I spun, flicked and fired at the same time. Fortunately I missed him but the particles rebounded off 2 or 3 of the barrifield walls, before smacking full on into his nose from where they rebounded and hit me in my body’s ‘basement department’. Bearing in mind that I had only just fully recovered from being nutted down there by Cat on the lightship, I collapsed instantly.
I let out an anguished cry in the hope of somehow distracting the million or so sensory nerve endings that were telling me I’d been hurt. I failed, and just had to curl up into a ball and whimper until the reverberating pain signals and lower gut wrenching spasms slowly calmed down. Cat meanwhile had his own problems to deal with. The effect of the impact had basically pushed his Rubanon nose inwards so deep, that it wouldn’t pop back out. He looked like he had a bowl with two ears for a face. He was desperately trying to rectify the situation with his two front paws but to no avail. In the end he was able, by closing all ports on his body, to use the internal pressure of the gases inside him to pop his nose back out.
Cat was not best pleased and completely uncaring of my own personal situation. He stood before me as I lay on the floor, his nose twitching and said “You buffoon. You moron. You ignoramus, imbecile, total, total, unparalleled half-wit.”
“Ok Ok,” I gasped, “Keep your nose on. I get the message. Anyone can have a little accident. I haven’t exactly come out of it unscathed. What the heck do you mean creeping up on me like that anyway?”
Through gritted whiskers, Cat growled, “We are ready to go. Now turn that blasted Extermatron off and come along.”
Time vault to Plasmolidium
I followed Cat back to where Krokus and Joosthava were waiting, beside the eMDaDD. Cat was still blathering on about my little accident with the Extermatron.
“It’s far too dangerous to let a brainless amoeboid human have control over a lethal weapon. We might as well give it to the Mud Lizards for them to use. We’d be in less danger,” he ranted.
“Oh just dry up will you, you, you… APPARATUS!!” I was struggling for a new word to describe the bionic Cat and apparatus was the best I could think of in my exasperation.
Krokus Joe then chipped in, “Look guys we need to focus if we are going to do this, so can we stop the bickering?”
“Oh no,” said Joosthava to Krokus, “They must bicker. It’s an important component of their working relationship. Without the bickering, I’m not sure they would be such a fantastic team.”
Behind Joosthava I could see Cat thrusting a front paw down his mouth as he mock-vomited but I said “You are probably right Joosthava. Bickering is a key part of my deep thinking problem solving skill set.”
For a moment I thought Cat was actually going to swallow his paw so I carried on, “However there comes a time to stop and move forward and this is what we must do now. I am ready to go forth and fight the good fight and my weapon is cocked to support us.”
At that Cat just started gurgling before withdrawing his paw from his mouth and saying “Half-cocked more like.”
“I heard that,” I said, “I’ll have you know I’ve been practicing my fast draw. Watch this.”
I crouched slightly with my feet just over hip width apart, flung out my right arm and flicked my wrist. The Extermatron extended in a flash and was ready to fire. Almost as one, Cat soared about 10 metres into the air as Joosthava and Krokus threw themselves to the ground.
“Oh for goodness sake, don’t panic,” I said, “I have the safety catch on!!!”
They clambered to their feet or in Cat’s case, floated down to the ground, and we climbed into the eMDaDD. “Just keep that thing uncocked please,” said Cat.
“Alright, chill, ‘Mr. Cat’” I said.
Cat had worked out as accurately as he could the time coordinates of the landing of the Jurassic Mud Lizards’ ship on Plasmolidium. Krokus and Joosthava had mined a healthy supply of time stored in batteries, more than enough to get us to Plasmolidium and back several times. We all sat down, Joosthava did her trance thing and we were off. I had ensured that I had the Extermatron in safety and I made a mental note that after we arrived, until Joosthava awoke from her trance, I would keep very, very still.
Plasmolidium
I had never been to Plasmolidium. The need had never arisen before and I mean, who in their right minds given its history, would choose to go there voluntarily? I gripped the Extermatron a little tighter in my hand as my thoughts turned to the Mud Lizards. I had agreed to come here voluntarily. I was nuts. Something Cat had been telling me for years. Anyway I was here now and I suppose it was for a very good reason. Krokus threw open the hatch and this time I approached the hatchway opening very cautiously. I had no desire to repeat my somewhat ‘breakneck’ disembarkation routine, so well executed recently on Jurassic Earth.
Unhappily, I had not noticed that one consequence of firing off the Extermatron when Cat startled me in the cargo bay, had been to split a strap on one of my boots, which was trailing along the floor of the eMDaDD. Before I could say dinopoo, one foot got caught up in the strap as I approached the hatch and once again I went headfirst through the opening, landing heavily on my back this time. Fortuitously we were again not on the edge of a cliff or other precipice so, as before, I did not break any bones. And, as a bonus, I landed on dry, softish grass. No poo.
Nevertheless, as I lay there trying to disengage my lower set of teeth from my upper set, I really wanted to cry again. Then, as I raised my head, I am not sure how, the Extermatron extended itself and let off a blast from my right hand. Around 10 metres in front of me a whole tree, and it was a pretty big tree, just disintegrated with a loud bang and puff of yellow-grey smoke. Sort of disappearing trick a Commsster would be proud of I thought.
“Oh no, he’s at it agai
n,” yelled Cat. “We really ought to get that weapon off him and find a goldfish to look after it. We could then at least be sure some intellect is focussed on its use and our safety!!”
I stood up and yelled back at Cat, “That was not my fault. This gun you’ve given me must be faulty but as it’s the only weapon we have apart from Joosthava’s hair and your farting, I’m keeping it by my side. It’s not you that’s wanted ‘Dead and in Itemised Catalogued Pieces’ by the Mud Lizards, it’s me. I mean where did you get this heap of scrap plastic masquerading as a controllable state of the art weapon anyway, LunarBay Xchange?”
At that moment Joosthava stepped down from the eMDaDD and said, “I’m sorry Inspector that you have such bad luck disembarking from the eMDaDD. It really is most unfortunate. I do hope the Extermatron can work reliably for you, especially as the Mud Lizards are wise to Mr. Cat’s gaseous weaponry and now routinely take an antidote, which I believe will make them immune. So that really leaves just my hair and your weapon in our armoury.”
I looked at her and said slightly gleefully, “You mean we have no use for Cat anymore?”
Joosthava blinked rapidly and responded, “He is weapon-less as such but of course we need his intellect focused on our mission.”
With my face involuntarily squinting somewhat, I said as drily as I could, “Oh yes. Of course. His intellect. How could anyone forget that.” I turned to Cat and added “Come along Mr. Intellect, we need you.” And then when Joosthava was out of earshot I added with my face inches from his ear, “And from now on, as the Mud Lizards have wised up to your gases, you fart and I'll blast your whiskers to kingdom come. Got it?”
Cat looked at me and said in his haughty King of the Universe tone, “You are such a low life. By comparison even earthworms stand above you.”
And with that cutting insult, possibly to earthworms, he marched off, nose in the air.
Where were we now?
I stood and looked around me for the first time, taking in our new surroundings. Somehow I had expected that the minute we emerged from the eMDaDD we would see the Mud Lizard ship. However, I could really see nothing but vegetation. Indeed, what I saw was so much like certain parts of Earth. Our eMDaDD had materialised in a grassy clearing and there was green stuff all over the place. On two sides, less than 3 metres away I would say, was quite dense and high undergrowth. On the other two sides there was open country, rolling gentle hills and bushes and trees dotted here and there, minus the one I’d blown up of course. Visible in the distance were forests of what must be, based on the likely distance, very tall trees indeed.
“So, where are the Mud Lizards Cat?” I asked.
Cat wandered over to me and then hovered up to be level with my face. I noticed a thinnish but bulbous in the middle, black ‘implement’ hooked into the claws of his right paw.
He looked straight at me, and said, “Got the same problem here as on Jurassic Earth. Standard scans reveal nothing. They'll find us.” At the same time as he spoke a significant waft of air rushed at my face, as his left paw squashed into the bulbous bit of the black implement. I closed my eyes involuntarily and then, as I breathed in, gagged at the scent.
“Oh my goodness,” I exclaimed as I pulled my head backwards, “did you just fart in my face?”
Cat backed off a few feet and said, “Nope.”
“Well what was that stuff then?” I enquired.
Cat backed off a bit more before answering “Essence. Essence of dinopoo. I made it. Should've worked by now. Maybe you need a bigger dose?”
“What do you mean, should’ve worked by now? And bigger dose? I don’t want to be sprayed with poo essence it isn’t very fuahhhhhhhh….”
My last word ‘funny’ was abruptly cut short as once more my feet disappeared from under me, my face slapped into the ground, which hurt as there was no poo to land in, and I shot off along the ground into the undergrowth. The little rat Cat had used me as bait. As I bumped and scraped along the ground through the vegetation I wondered what would happen when they discovered that I was not actually covered in poo and therefore I wasn’t worth licking. I felt the Extermatron in the pocket of my tunic bottoms. At least I had that.
Joosthava’s concerns
Back at the eMDaDD, once again Joosthava expressed her deep concern for me.
“Mr. Cat, I really think we should get after him. I mean I know you have a tracking device on him but….Oh I do hope he’ll be ok.”
Cat looked at her and said “Don’t worry Joosthava, don’t worry. Whilst I can’t track the Mud Lizards themselves because of some signal interference, I can locate him via his tracking device so we’ll find him. “Like last time though, there’s no rush,” he purred.
“But Mr. Cat,” implored Joosthava, “this time we are not just talking about friendly Jurassic Mud Lizards but at least two not so friendly ones, who might decide to start dismembering him.”
Cat raised his eyebrows and responded, “Ooops, in my moment of amusement at seeing him disappear so quickly, I forgot about Yakh and Ulth. Maybe we’ll rush just a little bit then.”
Alone with Mud Lizards again
And so, as I was told later by Cat, they did move quickly to follow me. Whilst they were getting moving I was also being ‘shifted’ at high velocity through sometimes soft and, at other times, rather uncomfortable and prickly undergrowth. There were more than a few moments where I feared for my private parts and thanked goodness that I was wearing my TZED tunic bottoms.
Eventually my rather bumpy ride ended in what was a remarkably similar environment to the one that I had wound up in during the equivalent experience on Jurassic Earth. My legs had now been released from the confinement of the Mud Lizard tongue that had entwined them and had been used to drag me behind the owner of said tongue. I sat up, looking at the candidates for most resilient Mud Lizard tongue of the year. I could not help but wonder how these quite large creatures managed to move so quickly, especially whilst dragging a human body behind them. A group of Mud Lizards gathered around me. This really was turning into a ‘deja vue’ experience.
About 4 or 5 of the creatures stared down at me whilst another two proceeded to snuffle at my face and any other exposed parts of me. Bearing in mind what I had learned about Mud Lizard anatomy, I so hoped that they were not snuffling with their noses. Mind you, what else could they be snuffling with? Anyway, it was so gloomy where we were that I couldn’t really tell what they were snuffling with, and maybe it was better that way.
I also had no idea whether the Mud Lizards around me were all Jurassic or not. How would I be able to tell even if I could see clearly? I didn’t think it likely, especially as I had no translator with me, that they would understand me if I asked if either of them were Yakh or Ulth. As I peered into the gloominess at the Mud Lizards around me, suddenly the cave brightened with light from somewhere.
Being authoritative
I sat up slowly having decided to be authoritative. I pushed at one of the Mud Lizards to make more room for myself. Just as I was thinking ‘that’ll make them think twice before they mess with me’, I was pinned to the floor by a gloopy tongue that had shot out of the mouth of one of the Mud Lizards to my left. I twisted around and looked at the owner of the tongue. I was sure this violence would not be coming from a Jurassic Mud Lizard, so was this Yakh or Ulth I was staring at? Two of the other Mud Lizards to my right remonstrated with their relative and forced him (or her) to release me. I looked long and hard at the Mud Lizard that had attacked me, memorising every feature I could so that I might recognise it again. Then as I looked around I realised that was pretty much a waste of time, as they all looked so similar.
Quite suddenly, all of the Mud Lizards backed off and disappeared leaving me to fend for myself. I am not sure where they went or why they had left but I was grateful for the space. I wondered where Cat and Joosthava were? They had found me much more quickly last time. I then realised to my horror that my tracker, essential for Cat to keep tabs on me even when w
e were at home, was not attached to the belt of my tunic bottoms. The tracker must have been ripped off whilst I was dragged from the clearing to the Mud Lizards’ caves.
The dreadful truth dawned on me. I was on my own. Cat would not know where to come to save me this time. I tried not to panic so kept my instant sobbing reaction to a minimum by sticking a knuckle in my mouth and biting down. Ouch, that was painful! Then I remembered I had the Extermatron. With that I could blast my way out of here. I’d be more than a match for Yakh or Ulth or both of them at the same time if need be.
I pulled the Extermatron from my tunic pocket and held it in its retracted state in the palm of my right hand. I crouched slightly on my feet, trying to be alert to any danger around me. I remembered how I had practiced with the Extermatron and I tried a couple of quick ‘draws’ there and then, which served to boost my confidence. I then relaxed my body and popped the Extermatron back into my tunic pocket before leaping and screeching as something touched my leg.
The shock and shiver in me was intense as I spun around and ripped the Extermatron back out of my pocket to confront whatever was there. For a minute I saw nothing until I looked down and saw, well, basically a mini Mud Lizard. I had no idea if it was a child or a midget. Certainly, it was the first time I’d seen a Mud Lizard definitely different to the rest, even if the difference was solely a height thing.
The Zygote Crystal Page 16