But…
She liked the lodge. She liked being with the children. And she liked being with him. She liked his slow smile, his laughter, and she even liked seeing the weariness slip from his eyes.
And she liked his chest. Naked.
The rest of the week…
It was almost Christmas. She owed it to herself.
She sank slowly into her chair. “We’ll have dinner,” she murmured.
And they did. Just dinner. But then it began to snow, and they stood at the window and watched the snowflakes falling. Then they sat before the fire and started to talk about baseball and all the things that little girls needed, and children in general.
Suddenly they were stretched out on the floor beside the flames.
And Cary knew that she wanted to make love. Again.
The flames in front of them, and between them, began to climb higher and higher.
Outside, the Christmas lights flickered red and green.
And Cary knew that she had given herself a bigger Christmas present than she had known. She had given herself laughter and a little bit of Christmas spirit….
And even a little taste of peace.
Chapter 5
The week passed in a whirl.
And while it was happening, Cary had to admit that it was the best time she could remember having.
For one thing, she became a passable skier. Between Jason and Angela, she had plenty of help. And plenty of laughter each time she or Danny pitched into the snow.
The laughter. Perhaps that was what she would remember the most. Or maybe it was the warmth, the quiet evenings. Or maybe the sheer excitement of feeling alive and aware and sensual again.
He told her to relax, to try to have fun.
And she did. They swam; they skied; they ate. They spent time with the children, and they spent time alone. They took lazy walks, and they played in the privacy of the Jacuzzi in Cary’s room. They listened to the endless hum of Christmas carols heralding the season, and they went on sleigh rides with bells jingling.
Danny had the time of his life.
But the week came to an end, and though Jason acted as if nothing needed to change because they went back, Cary knew that it would. The week had been a fantasy. Now they were in the real world. It was an uneasy feeling, and as she lay awake the Sunday night before she had to go to work, she regretted what she had done even as she dreamed about the days gone by.
And then there was Jason.
Courteous, charming. He’d made her laugh so easily. And she’d never imagined a more tender or exciting lover. But now it was time to remember that he moved swiftly, that no matter how easy he had been to be with, he was still in love with Sara, and if he thought that Cary was coming too close, he would move on.
She slept very little that night.
Monday morning passed by without her seeing him. She had lunch with June, determined that she wasn’t going to give anything away. Nothing. And despite June’s persistence, she stuck to her story that it had been a nice week, that Jason had been charming, that Danny and Angela had enjoyed a great time—and nothing more.
She thought she would see Jason sometime during the day, but she didn’t. And she didn’t know whether she was anxious, or very, very glad.
A second day passed without her seeing him, and then a third and a fourth. She lay awake at night, tossing and turning. She remembered his every touch, and she clenched her teeth tightly, thinking how ironic it was that she had finally fallen in love again.
With a man who not only couldn’t love her, but didn’t even want to see her again.
She had warned herself. Again and again, she had warned herself.
By Friday she had stubbornly convinced herself that she was not going to go from living in one kind of hell to living in another. If he asked her to dinner, to a show, to coffee—to anything—ever again, she would refuse.
To make matters worse, June plagued her at lunch every day. And it was the Christmas season. Everywhere she turned, people were singing about tidings of joy.
“Maybe you’ll have a date for the pre-Christmas Eve party,” June teased her at lunch on Friday.
Cary clenched her teeth. “June, I had a nice time last week. I enjoyed both the McCreadys. That’s all.”
“And did the McCreadys enjoy you?”
“June, drop it,” Cary said warningly.
But it was when she returned to her office after lunch that she found the computer. And, as it happened, June was with her.
“It’s that system that Danny wanted so much! The one you thought you couldn’t afford!” June exclaimed. “How did it get here? Who would have…oh!” She stared hard at Cary, then she started to laugh. “I guess one McCready did enjoy you. Very much.”
“June!” Cary gasped.
“Oh, kid, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by that. Except that you must have…well, I mean, you must have had a really good time. And he must have had a really good time, too. Oh, I’m not making this sound any better, am I? Gee, I wonder how many other people saw this come in here?”
Damn Jason McCready. He’d forced her into falling for him, then ignored her….
And then managed to turn her into the most delectable piece of office gossip in months.
Cary’s cheeks were flaming, and she couldn’t think of a single word to say to June. She probably shouldn’t accost Jason now, in his office. His secretary would hear her, and the staff would probably be buzzing by the end of the afternoon.
Damn Jeremy and his Christmas dust! Cary thought furiously. The computer was in her office, and it must look like some kind of payment for services above and beyond the call of duty. Well, nuts to timing! She strode out of the office, down the hall and to the elevators. And she didn’t wait for Jason’s secretary to announce her, she waved and went right through the door.
Jason had been expecting to hear from Cary. He’d been waiting for a call.
This past week had been bedlam—absolute bedlam—and he’d played catch-up from morning until night. He’d driven by her apartment on his way home from work twice, but it had been late, and when he’d been about to go up to see if she was awake, he had been amazed to find his hands trembling, and he’d driven home instead.
Early this morning, he’d thought of the computer. He hoped it was the right one and that she would tell him how much it would mean to Danny. The boy had talked about it often enough on the trip, telling Angela all the wonderful things he had been able to do on it in school.
He wanted to talk to Cary. He wanted to hear her voice again. From the minute he had left her at her door, he had missed her. Missed the gold in her gaze, the curve of her smile. He missed the simple beauty of her face and the lithe, sensual beauty of her form. He missed being near someone who shared his love for children; he missed the way she could laugh at herself when she landed in the snow. He missed her eyes, steady and sure when she told him something she was determined he should hear. And he missed her sighs and her whispers and the wonder in her eyes when they made love. Just remembering made an ache rise hauntingly within him.
He had lain awake all night thinking about it, and he had awakened that morning amazed to feel an aching in his heart. He wanted the week back. He wanted to be with her. For the first time in five years he had been happy. He hoped the computer would make her happy, too.
Apparently it didn’t.
He was amazed when she stormed into his office, her eyes gleaming with fury, her beautiful features as tense as iron. There was a pencil between her hands. And even before she began to speak, it snapped.
“What the hell are you doing to me?” she demanded.
Defensively, he was on his feet. He walked around the desk and perched on the edge of it, his arms crossed over his chest. “What on earth are you talking about?”
“The computer!”
“It’s for Danny.”
“Oh, it’s for Danny! But it’s also for me. And I can’t afford it. And I don’t want t
hings from you that I can’t afford. It looks like a—a payment!”
“A payment!” Jason roared.
“Everyone must know now that…that…”
“You’re sleeping with me?” Jason suggested. He said it as if it were something evil. But it had meant everything to him. It had meant salvation.
“But I’m not ‘sleeping with’ you—it’s not some ongoing thing!”
“There was no payoff intended, Cary, and I can’t believe—”
“Oh!” she ground out with exasperation. “I am going to have to quit—”
“Why?”
“Don’t you see what you’ve done? My position is untenable. I just became another of your casual associations, but I have to appear here every day—”
“I wasn’t sure that we were involved in any casual associations,” he said, his eyes narrowing angrily. “I intended to call you this afternoon—”
“Did you? No! No, it doesn’t matter. It can’t go on, don’t you see? I can’t work here and have everyone looking at me as if I were…as if I were one of your women,” she finished flatly.
“It was good between us,” he said harshly. “Everything was good.”
“Was! It’s over. I will not see you again!”
He was still. Dead still. Absolutely silent and tense. Then he spoke softly. “All right. I’ll marry you.”
Cary was so startled that she fell silent, gaping. Then she felt tears stinging the back of her eyes. All right, he’d marry her? It sounded as if he had come to a compromise on a business proposal. And he couldn’t mean it. No matter how…good…it had been between them, he was striking and rich—no, no, how could she forget? He was tall, dark and handsome and rich. Damn June and Jeremy and Christmas dust and the Christmas season! He didn’t mean to marry her; it was just something that had come out of his mouth to stall her.
She shook her head. “You can’t mean that. It makes no sense. And if—”
“I mean it with every breath in me.” He strode toward her, pausing half an inch away. “And it makes perfect sense. You’re the one who said we had a lot in common. So we’re both really in love with ghosts. I understand you, you understand me. We share something.”
Cary shook her head. She didn’t understand the pain she was feeling. He did mean it. He would marry her. Just to keep her near. She should have been flattered. Instead she wanted to cry. “I don’t need anyone to marry me. You certainly don’t have to do anything like that. I can do very well on my own—”
“Yes, yes, I know. But you can do better with me. And I can do a lot for Danny that you can’t do.”
“I’m a good mother—”
“But you’re not a father.”
“This is insane.”
“Angela loves you. And I do flatter myself that Danny is fond of me.”
His hands were on her shoulders, his eyes burning into hers. They were compelling, demanding that she bend to his will.
Excitement began to seize her. She could marry him. He’d offered her something that he hadn’t offered any other woman. There was something missing, but what she would have would surely be better than loneliness. She was falling in love with him. And perhaps that would be enough.
“Do it,” he insisted.
“I…” She jerked free from him suddenly. “I have to go!” she said.
“I’ll be home tonight. Get someone to watch Danny. Come see me. I’ll want an answer.”
She left his office.
She spent the afternoon in misery. Jeremy popped his head in, and it was apparent that he and the entire office had heard about the computer. “Wow! Just imagine what you could get if you went away with him for a month!” Jeremy teased.
Cary felt like hurling her desk at him. “Get yourself and your Christmas dust out of here!” she warned him furiously.
Jeremy couldn’t be gotten rid of that easily. He came in and sat on the edge of her desk. Frowning, he looked into her eyes. “Cary, I didn’t mean anything.”
“Never mind!”
“Cary, I really didn’t mean anything. And neither did Jason, I’m certain.”
“He’s careless! He’s accustomed to having everything at his whim, and he’s accustomed to money—”
“Cary, he was an orphan. An abandoned boy who grew up on the streets more than off them. He worked his way up to everything he has. He isn’t careless.”
Cary stared at her desk. She hadn’t known anything about his past. He never talked about it. Maybe he had walked the hard and rocky road once, but that had been years ago. Perhaps his career had been admirable. Okay, so he was admirable, and that was how he had managed to slip into her heart. That was why she cared so much.
But it was also true that he thought he could snap his fingers and she would snap to attention.
Well, she wasn’t going to.
At nine o’clock that night she was on her way to his house in Cambridge. So much for her best intentions. But as the cab carried her along, she convinced herself again that she would say no. In very certain terms.
The house was beautiful, old and furnished with antiques. She was escorted to an eighteenth-century drawing room where Jason was sipping brandy and evidently waiting for her.
She felt awkward as she walked in. And he had no polite chitchat for her. He simply stared at her, waiting.
“How’s Angela?” she asked.
“Fine. Sleeping.”
She nodded. “Jason, I can’t—”
She didn’t see the disappointment in his eyes. His lashes shaded them too quickly. “I really can’t do this. I can’t do this to you—”
“Do it to me? Cary, I want you!”
“And it seems that you’re willing to pay a tremendous price. Jason, I don’t—”
“The price doesn’t matter, Cary. It’s Christmas. You’re what I want more than anything in the world.”
This year, Cary thought.
“I will do my best to give you anything that you want,” he said harshly.
“Jason, it’s just that—”
“Cary, you don’t want to be one of a number of women. I’ll make you my wife. I can give Danny anything in the world. The best schools, anything he wants. A guaranteed future. No worry for you. Cary, it’s Christmas! And I can give you and Danny every Christmas gift in the world.”
“But there’s nothing that I can give you!”
“Damn it, Cary, give us both a break! You’d be giving Angela and me a real home!” he exclaimed.
She felt her fingers curl. It was a business proposition. Pure and simple. But it wasn’t such a bad proposition.
“All…all right,” she told him.
“Done!” A handsome smile slashed his face. In seconds he was across the room. He took her hand, and before she realized what he was doing, he had slipped a diamond on her finger.
It was beautiful. It was large, but it wasn’t decadent. It was surrounded by tiny emeralds, and it fit right beside her old gold band.
“Jason, I can’t—”
“It’s an engagement ring! It seals our promise.”
And it fit. It fit her just right, the band snug and warm around her finger. “A ring and a kiss,” he told her softly. And she was suddenly in his arms.
The kiss too, was filled with promise. Her anxiety and emotions knotted together, and when his kiss deepened, she found a sweet escape in the growing sensation. It had become so natural to be with him. So natural, so beautiful to feel his touch. To know this wonderful, spiraling desire…
She saw his room that night. Saw his large oak wardrobes and dressers, his massive, white-tiled bath, his king-size bed. She lost herself in that bed, in the soft, warm, sinking comfort. She acutely felt his every touch. The sweep of his hand, the pressure of his body, the passion of his being. She rode with him and flew with him, and when it was done, she was once again left shaking with the wonder of their lovemaking.
And once more feeling the growth of tears behind her eyes.
She lay on the s
oft sheets, feeling his arms around her, and from somewhere she heard the promise of a Christmas carol on the air.
Christmas…
It was for giving, for believing. It was for miracles. It was for faith.
And to have Jason, well…
But there was something missing. And as she listened to the distant beauty of “Silent Night” filling the darkness, she knew what it it was. Love.
He touched her. Touched her shoulder. And his kiss burned into her flesh.
Once more, she thought. She couldn’t resist having one last time. And so she moved into his arms, meeting his kiss with warmth, with magic, with a prayer.
Later, while he slept, comfortable, handsome as a boy, his dark hair tousled, she rose and dressed quickly.
“Where are you going?” Lazy green eyes were on her.
“Home. Danny is there.”
“I’ll take you.”
She shook her head. “No, please, it isn’t late. I’ll be all right.”
But she was beginning to know Jason McCready. Even if this had been a casual date, he would still have seen her home. The man she loved had manners.
He took her to her apartment door and paused there. “I smell popcorn,” he murmured.
“June and Danny. I’m sure they’re making strands for the tree.”
He placed a hand on either side of her head. “I love your apartment. Did I ever tell you that?”
She shook her head, wondering if it could be true. His house was so magnificent. “I love your house,” she told him.
He smiled. “Good. Maybe you can change it, and I can love it, too.” He leaned down and kissed her, and she wanted to pull away, but she couldn’t. She clung to him, letting the magic wash over her.
She walked into her apartment, where June and Danny were indeed busy with popcorn strings.
“Hi, Mom!” There was excitement in Danny’s eyes. He knew that she had been with Jason.
“Hi, honey.” She kissed him on the top of his blond head, her resolve weakening. It would be so good for Danny. Maybe she was thinking like a fool.
No, it would be wrong to marry Jason. She couldn’t do it. She had told him that she would, but she couldn’t. And she couldn’t see him again. Not under any circumstances. Because every time she saw him, she wanted him. For Christmas.
Heather Graham Pozzessere - The Christmas Bride Page 7