by Claire Adams
“I really am so sorry for your loss,” I said. “I mean that.”
He nodded and considered my face. He seemed surprised that I would offer my condolences.
“No one says that anymore,” he said. “Like I said, most people believe I should be over it by now.”
“Grief doesn’t have a time limit,” I said simply.
“You really are wise, aren’t you?”
I laughed again and shook my head. The truth was, I didn’t think of myself as wise, at all. In a lot of ways, I was still young and naïve. I was still trying to figure out the world. My life revolved around school and work. The rest of the world was still a mystery to me, and as much as I liked to believe I would crack the code one day, I wasn’t so sure.
“I don’t know about wise,” I said. “But, I do try to pay attention to people. You can learn a lot that way.”
“We waited too long to have Josie,” he said, without further prompting. His willingness to open up surprised me, but I was glad for it. I sat back and let him talk. “I wanted to focus on my career. And Amelia, she just wanted to make me happy. I was her entire life, and she was mine, but I also put work first far too often. There were nights when I didn’t come home until the sun was already up, and other times I didn’t come home, at all.”
“That must have been hard,” I said.
“If it was, Amelia never let on,” Dirk said. “She was nothing more than an endless source of support and encouragement. When I told her that I wanted to wait to have kids, she understood. She never pressured me, but I knew she wanted a child. I could see it in her eyes every time we saw a baby at a restaurant. She longed to be a mother.”
I watched the emotion flicker across his face as he paused in thought. There were a million things I wanted to say to him at that moment, but I held my tongue. He was talking about it, and already I knew that was probably rare for him.
“When we finally had Josie,” he said, “she was so happy. Amelia was just a natural mother, you know? Have you ever met those people? Who were just born to raise children?”
I nodded and smiled sadly.
“She was so great with Josie,” he said. “I never imagined we would lose her and then, we did. It was a shock. Completely unexpected and suddenly, I was a single father. Not just a dad, but a fulltime father. Amelia was gone, and Josie was still there. All mine.”
“She’s lucky to have a father who cares so much about her,” I said. “Not many people get that.”
“I do the best I can,” Dirk said. “But, sometimes I’m not sure it’s enough.”
“I think every parent feels that way,” I said.
He laughed and nodded. He smiled at me kindly and sighed. Our conversation had taken a turn away from business without me even realizing it. Suddenly, we were discussing the details of his grief and the ins and outs of fatherhood.
I almost never allowed my clients to discuss personal matters with me, but I knew Dirk would be an exception to that rule. Veronica had made it clear that Dirk was to receive special attention. Besides, when I talked to him, it didn’t feel like work.
Still, I knew I needed to steer the conversation back to our arrangement. There was still more we needed to iron out, still more that I needed to make sure he understood.
“About the next month,” I said.
“Right,” he nodded. “I suppose there are a few more details to discuss.”
“The main one is that I have a very strict rule about sex,” I said firmly. It was a dramatic shift in conversation, but I held onto my confidence and powered through. “Before we go any further with this, I need to be sure you understand where I stand.”
“I understand completely,” Dirk said. “And, I would never dream of violating your trust, Marissa. Sex is off the table.”
I nodded. “I’m perfectly okay with hand holding and showing affection when appropriate. Dinners and outings. Things like that. Even the occasional kiss is okay, so long as we’re both on the same page.”
“Absolutely,” Dirk said.
I smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn’t always easy to have this conversation with my clients. A lot of men felt that my refusal to be physical was nothing more than a challenge, an obstacle they had to overcome in order to reach their ultimate goal. It came as a shock to them when they realized I wasn’t messing around. When I said no sex, I meant no sex.
My entire life revolved around my future. I was so close to finishing my degree, and as soon as my student loans were paid off, my real life would begin. I refused to let anything stand in the way of that. My clients were known to become angry when I put my foot down about sex, but I wouldn’t let my reputation become that of a hooker.
Even before I brought it up, I knew Dirk would understand. The way he talked about his wife with love and longing told me everything I needed to know. His grief was still very real and very present. The last thing on his mind was getting in my pants. For that alone, he was already on his way to becoming my favorite client.
“All that’s left is Josie,” I said with a smile. “We’ll just have to see if she likes me enough to get along with me for the next month.”
“Josie gets along with everyone,” Dirk said easily. “She’s the sweetest kid in the world.”
“I’m sure,” I said. “Is there a time I could meet her before the festivities begin? I think it might be best if it’s just the three of us the first time. That way she and I can just get to know each other without the pressure of an audience.”
“How about this weekend?” he asked. “Maybe the zoo?”
“Perfect,” I said. He smiled, and I pushed myself to my feet. I wasn’t quite ready to leave, but our meeting was over.
“Is there anything else we should discuss?” he asked. “Money?”
“Why don’t I meet Josie first?” I suggested. “That’ll tell us more about how we should move forward. I mean, if she hates me, then I’m obviously not the right person for the job.”
“I can’t imagine she’d hate you,” he said kindly.
“I’m sure she won’t,” I said with a laugh. “But, just to be on the safe side.”
“Alright,” he said. “Saturday?”
“Around lunchtime, if that’s okay?”
“Perfect.”
“I’ll meet you both there,” I said.
I smiled again and turned to leave. As I walked across the room, I felt his eyes on me. It wasn’t often that I felt such a pull to a client, but with Dirk, I already enjoyed his company so much. Part of me didn’t want to leave his office. I would have loved to just sit and talk with him for the rest of the day.
Just as I reached the door, a thought crossed my mind. I never found out exactly why Veronica chose me to be Dirk’s escort. She said my aversion to sex was a factor, but I knew her well enough to know that wasn’t it.
“Dirk,” I said, turning around slowly. “I just have one more question.”
“Sure,” he said. “What is it?”
“Do you happen to know why Veronica chose me for the position?” I asked. “Over the other escorts, I mean.”
“Actually,” he said sheepishly. “I chose you.”
“You did?” I asked, taken aback.
He nodded. “Veronica talked to me about a few different girls. Everyone sounded nice enough, but you stood out.”
“Why?” I asked.
“She said you’re in school to become a child psychologist,” Dirk said simply. “Once she said that, I knew you were the one.”
“Oh,” I said. “Okay.”
“The idea of bringing a new woman around Josie is nervewracking,” he said. “Knowing you’re studying children makes me feel better about the whole thing. Honestly, it’s really the only reason I’m so okay with this.”
I smiled and nodded. It made sense. Dirk was being a good father, putting his daughter first, even when it came to hiring a fake girlfriend.
“I’ll see you Saturday, Marissa,” he said.
�
�See you then.”
I turned to let myself out of the office. It was a long walk back down the hall. When I reached the elevator, I pressed the button and stood back to wait. My head was spinning after that meeting. Everything Dirk said, both about his wife and about the job, replayed in my mind as I rode the elevator down to the lobby. When I stepped outside, the bright sunlight hit my eyes sharply. I winced and squinted around for a cab. I found one quickly and jumped inside, eager to get home.
I’d been working as an escort for years, and yet, I’d never left a client feeling so utterly unlike myself.
Dirk didn’t feel like a client. He felt more like a friend, someone I could grow fond of as time progressed. I wondered if that was a good thing — if it was smart to become friends with a client.
My mind turned to George. I was friendly with him. I felt a sense of affection toward him, but it was different. George was first and foremost a client. Dirk was something different entirely. Something I wasn’t sure I could define. As the cab drove toward my apartment, I tried to shake him from my mind. I had homework to finish and yet another night out to prepare for.
Chapter Five
Dirk
The next morning, I picked up my phone to call Stanley. He’d been leaving messages on my cell, asking for an answer about the trip. After my meeting with Marissa, I finally felt confident in my decision.
I knew everything could still blow up in my face. If Stanley or anyone else found out about Marissa’s occupation, things would turn nasty, but it was worth the risk. She was professional and kind. After just one conversation, I felt a closeness to her that I hadn’t felt to anyone in a long time.
“Hey, Stan,” I said when he answered.
“Are you coming or not?” he demanded.
“Calm down,” I laughed. “I think so, yeah. It sounds like fun.”
“Hell yes!” he said. “I knew you’d come around.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I said.
“Are you bringing Trish?”
The name caught me off guard. I blinked as I tried to figure out who he was talking about. It took me a few seconds to remember that Trish was supposed to be my girlfriend.
“No,” I said quickly. I knew I couldn’t ask Marissa to go by a different name for an entire month, so I improvised. “I’m not seeing Trish anymore.”
“So, you’re coming alone?” Stan asked, and I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
“No,” I said again. “I’m bringing Marissa.”
“Who the hell is Marissa?”
“New girl,” I said casually. “I ended things with Trish a while ago. You’ll like Marissa. She’s great.”
“Whatever you say,” he said. “I’m just glad you’re coming. I really thought you’d blow it off.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell Stan just how close I came to doing exactly that. If it wasn’t for Marissa, there was no way I’d even consider spending that long at a resort with two other couples.
“Never,” I said. “I’m looking forward to it.”
“You still bringing Josie?” Stan asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “I can’t leave her with the nanny for that long.”
“Why not?” he asked with a laugh. “That’s what we always did. I don’t think I saw my kids but once a week when they were Josie’s age.”
“Father of the year award,” I teased.
“Yeah, fuck off,” Stan said, with an easy laugh. “I’ll call you later with the details, alright? Don’t back out.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
We hung up, and I sat back in my chair. Stanley and I had been friends for so long that I often wondered how we became so close. He was an asshole most of the time, and yet, when Amelia died, he was the first person at the hospital. He stepped up in a way that no one else did or could. For that, I owed him everything.
My day dragged on slowly as I typed out memo after memo. As important as my job was, sometimes it felt like glorified busy work. Before Amelia died, I loved coming to the office. I would arrive at five in the morning and not leave until eight or nine at night. Building my career had been more important to me than anything else.
Now, I couldn’t really remember why. All I wanted to do was spend time with Josie and enjoy the time I had with her. She was already growing up so fast. Her first three years flew by in a haze of adorable anecdotes and sleepless nights. I didn’t want to miss a single moment of her childhood.
“Mr. Mathis,” Irene said over the intercom. “Mr. Hayes is here to see you.”
I rolled my eyes up the ceiling and groaned. I’d forgotten all about my meeting with Daniel Hayes. He was hoping to subsidize his business, and I was his trusted advisor. The last thing I wanted was to entertain someone as vapid as him.
Still, I pushed myself forward and pressed the intercom button.
“Send him in,” I said.
As my office door opened, I plastered a smile on my face and put on my best professional tone of voice. Mr. Hayes walked through the door and extended his hand for me to shake before sitting down to talk my ear off. Three hours later, he was still in my office.
***
“Thanks for your help,” Daniel Hayes said as he finally rose from his chair.
“Anytime,” I said, though I didn’t mean it.
I watched him leave the office with a tight smile. The second the door swung shut behind him, I groaned and fell back in my seat. The past three hours had exhausted me like nothing else could.
“Can I get you anything?” Irene asked, poking her head around the corner. She knew just how much I hated meetings with Daniel Hayes.
“Coffee,” I said simply. She nodded and disappeared quickly. When she returned, she had a bone-dry cappuccino in her hand. “Thank you, Irene. You have no idea how much I needed this.”
She smiled and left me alone. I sipped the cappuccino and glanced at the clock on my desk. It wouldn’t be long before Josie arrived. Her nanny would be bringing her by before dinner tonight since I promised Josie we could go out for cheeseburgers together.
I considered getting back to work, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I drank my coffee slowly and waited until my daughter arrived.
As I sat there, my mind turned automatically to thoughts of Marissa. It wasn’t like me to dwell on a single conversation, and yet, I’d thought of almost nothing else since she had left my office the day before.
Talking with her was like a breath of fresh air that I’d desperately needed. She was refreshing and lively, intelligent and kind. It wasn’t often that I met someone like her, and the more I thought about her, the more intrigued I’d become. I couldn’t wait to take Josie to the zoo to meet her.
“Daddy!” Josie said as she bounced through my office door.
“Hi, honey,” I said. I stood up and wrapped her in a tight hug. She grinned up at me as her nanny hurried in after her, Irene on her heels.
“I can’t believe how big you’re getting,” Irene said to Josie. “I know I see you every day, but I swear, you grow every second!”
“I don’t,” Josie said, with a shake of her head. “That would be impossible.”
Irene laughed and smoothed Josie’s hair. She had been my assistant for years, long before Josie was born.
“How was your day?” I asked. “What exciting things did you do?”
Josie launched into a story about having a scavenger hunt in Central Park. Her nanny, Darla, laughed and nodded as Josie relayed the entire event. Her excitement was evident in her eyes. I smiled my first real smile of the day as I listened to her.
“Then,” she said, “Darla took me under that one bridge. You know the one? By that rock thing? And, the last clue was hidden underneath it! So, we had to ride a boat in the water and then reach up and grab it!”
“That sounds amazing,” I said. “I’m jealous.”
“Why?” Josie asked. “Did you have a bad day?”
“No,” I said with a smile. “My day was grea
t. I just wish I’d spent it with you, instead.”
“Me, too!” she said.
“But,” I said brightly, “It’s Friday, which means tomorrow is Saturday.”
“And, you don’t work on Saturdays!”
“Nope, I don’t.” I smiled again. “I was thinking we could go to the zoo. I have a friend I want you to meet.”
“Okay,” she said. “That would be fun.”
I told Josie to play with her toys while I talked to Darla. Their scavenger hunt sounded exciting, but I was paying Darla to do more than just entertain Josie. I had to make sure Josie was learning, as well.
“How did she do with her French?” I asked.
“Great,” Darla said with a nod. “We worked on French this morning and German this afternoon. She’s picking up on both so quickly. I’m honestly amazed with her progress.”
“They say early childhood is the best time to learn new languages,” I said. “I just want to make sure she’s getting a head start. Plus, I think she likes it.”
As I said it, I felt old insecurities rise up inside my chest. I worried so often about Josie’s progress that I wondered if maybe I was pushing her too hard. More than anything, I wanted her to have a great childhood, to enjoy her life and be happy. If she wasn’t happy, I’d never be able to live with myself.
“She’s the happiest kid I know,” Darla said kindly. Her eyes were soft with understanding. “I think you’re right, Mr. Mathis. Now is definitely the time for her to learn. She’ll thrive later in life, and she really is enjoying it. She asked to work on German when we got home this afternoon. She’s never done that before.”
That was enough to brighten my mood. I thanked her for everything and said my goodbyes. Irene returned to her desk and left Josie and me alone to play. I had a few things to finish up before my day was done, but I didn’t care. All I wanted to do was play with my daughter.
I sat crossed-legged on the floor beside her and listened while she talked more about her day. We played with her dolls and toy jeep, rolling the car back and forth. I asked her questions in French, which she answered easily. Other than English, French was her best language.