by Claire Adams
“Morning.”
I turned towards Missy’s bed. She was under her covers, in her pajamas but she looked slightly more alert than I did. “When did you wake up?” I asked.
“Five minutes ago,” she replied.
“What’s going on out there?”
“The usual probably,” she smiled. “You’re just sensitive to noise right now.”
“My head feels like it’s going to explode.”
“The mark of a successful night out,” she said proudly. “Apart from that, how are you feeling?”
“Tired,” I admitted. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was leaving the bar. I just got…”
“Distracted?” I could see from her expression that no apologies were necessary. She was obviously bursting to know what had happened between Chance and me last night.
As the memories came flooding back, I felt a moment of delirious ecstasy, followed by a sharp stab of disappointment.
“Distracted is one way of putting it,” I said.
“I saw you leave with him,” she admitted. “And I figured…”
“You figured what?”
“How about you just tell me what happened,” Missy said, sitting up so that she could face me.
“He came up to me at the bar…”
“I saw that, too,” she nodded. “He was clearly into you.”
I sighed and fell back onto my pillows. “Sure, he was into me, but he clearly didn’t know who I was. He didn’t recognize me as one of his students.”
“Well, can you blame him?” Missy asked. “I barely recognized you last night, and we’ve been best friends for four years. That was the whole point of your makeover.”
“I know,” I nodded. “And I was really into my ‘mask,’ except…”
“Except what?”
“Well, I kind of wanted him to be interested in me,” I admitted. “Not just my mask.”
“Your mask is you, Nat,” Missy insisted gently. “That’s what you don’t realize. It’s part of you – it’s the part you’ve neglected all this time.”
“Yeah, but…”
“No, trust me,” Missy interrupted. “It’s not as though you transformed into a different person. It’s not like we changed your face or your hair color; we just highlighted your beauty – your natural beauty.”
I smiled. “I suppose the fact that he didn’t know who I really was made it easier for me to be around him,” I conceded. “I might have been too nervous if not for that fact. I have to admit; it was hard to look him in the eye. He was just so…”
“Delicious?”
“Handsome,” I said.
“What was he like?”
“He was amazing,” I said. “He was charming and funny and confident. There’s something so very attractive about a man who’s so self-assured. He approached me almost immediately, and he complimented me—”
“What did he say?” Missy asked eagerly.
I imagined the moment he had looked at me. His hazel eyes were on fire, and there were tiny diamond flecks dancing across them.
“He told me I was stunning.”
“Damn,” Missy said dreamily. “I can’t remember ever getting a compliment like that one. Usually, college boys usually go with ‘you’re hot’ or ‘you’re fine’ or some derivative of the same.”
“Well, he’s no college boy,” I pointed out.
“Lucky bitch,” she said playfully. “Go on.”
“We just started talking about stuff,” I said, with a shrug. “I can’t quite remember what… All I remember was that it was easy to talk to him. He was the one making the conversation. I’ll admit, I wasn’t helping very much, but he took the initiative.”
“Another good sign.”
“Then he asked if I wanted to take a walk with him, and we walked towards the fountain on Prescott Lane.”
“The fountain, huh?” Missy said, raising her eyebrows. “What a perfectly romantic spot.”
I smiled. “We did talk a little about our families,” I said. “I told him about my parents, and he mentioned he had a sister and a nephew.”
“Did he share anything personal with you?” she asked eagerly.
“A little,” I admitted. “And, I think he was a little surprised by that. I don’t think he opens up very often.”
“No, he doesn’t seem the type,” she nodded.
“Um…he did seem a little distracted though.”
“Distracted?”
“Yeah, he kept looking behind him as though he were hearing things,” I said.
Missy frowned. “Or maybe he was really just hearing things,” she said. “You’re probably reading too much into that.”
“Probably,” I nodded.
“Well?” she asked impatiently. “Did anything happen between the two of you? Or was it strictly PG?”
“Strictly PG,” I admitted, and her face fell immediately. “We did kiss, though.”
Instantly her face broke out into a huge smile, and she started cheering loudly. “Oh God,” I said, covering my ears with my hands. “Please don’t… I have a hangover, remember?”
“Fuck that,” Missy said uncaringly. “I’m gonna cheer for this.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. Actually, a part of me wanted to join in the cheer.
“Wait,” she said quickly. “This was your first kiss, wasn’t it?”
I smiled self-consciously and nodded.
“And, how was it?”
“It was pretty perfect,” I admitted, trying not to look too moony-eyed. “He was… Well, he knew what he was doing.”
Missy clapped her hands together. “I’m so happy for you,” she exclaimed. “And then what happened after the kiss?”
“Um… Well… I… The thing is…
“Out with it, Nat,” Missy said, in her no-nonsense tone.
I sighed. “I kind of freaked out.”
“Why?” she asked, in confusion.
“Well, he wanted me to come back to his place,” I said.
Missy raised her eyebrows. “You mean, he wanted to—”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
“And you—”
“Yeah.”
“So—”
“Pretty much.”
“Oh, NAT!” Missy cried, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration.
“I haven’t had any experience, okay?”
“And you’re never going to if you keep running away every time an opportunity presents itself,” she pointed out.
“Everything was moving so fast,” I said. “I was doing all these new things, I didn’t look like myself, it was cold, and it just… It was all too much.”
“You got scared,” Missy said simply.
I sighed. “I got scared,” I nodded.
“So, what did you do when he asked you to come home with him?”
“I can’t quite remember what I said,” I admitted. “I think I apologized and told him I had to go. Then I…went.”
Missy looked at me carefully for a moment. “Do you regret it?”
I thought about that question, and then I nodded slowly. “A part of me does,” I replied. “But a part of me doesn’t. It was too fast, and it would have been my first time with a man. I’m not sure that’s how I would want it to happen.”
“Why not?”
“Because as beautiful and charming and dreamy as Chance is, I don’t really know him. And, he certainly doesn’t know me. I would want us to have a connection before we slept together… I told you, I’ve always thought sex should mean something.”
“Fair enough,” Missy nodded. “But can I give you a piece of advice?”
“Always.”
“Everything can’t always be perfect, Nat,” she said. “Sometimes, perfect only works in the books and movies. Real life… It’s raw and messy and complicated. I get you want your first time to mean something, but meaning is entirely subjective and can be based on a million different factors. If you wait around for perfection, you might just miss out on
a whole bunch of experiences in the process. Sometimes perfect enough is the best we can hope for.”
I nodded thoughtfully. “How will I know when I’m ready?”
“I really can’t say,” she said. “Only you can decide that. All I’m saying is we’re getting ready to join the real world soon. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life afraid to take the plunge?”
“No, of course not,” I said, realizing that Missy was right.
“Good, then it’s time to put yourself out there right now,” she said. “No excuses.”
I nodded and looked towards my desk. The dress I had worn the previous night was draped over my chair. I reached out and touched the silver-blue beads.
“He liked the dress?”
“He did.” I smiled. “And, I loved it, too.”
“I’m glad,” Missy said. “It suited you. You didn’t look as awkward or out of place as you felt.”
I stared at the dress and made a split-second decision. “I think I’m going to take a little inspiration from this dress,” I said.
“Meaning?” she asked, raising one eyebrow.
“You’re right,” I said. “I need to take some risks and put myself out there – starting with my wardrobe.”
Missy’s expression was a blank for a moment, and then I saw a glint in her eye. “You mean…”
“I’m going to keep the look,” I said. “Or at least, the spirit of the look. I’m going to swap out some of my clothes for something that actually takes the shape of my body.”
She let out a triumphant wolf whistle.
“And, I think I’m going to keep the contacts, too.”
Missy looked thrilled. “I’m so proud!” she said dramatically.
I laughed. “I think I’ll keep my ponytail, though… I’m fond of it, and I don’t want to change too much. There are things about myself I like.”
“I support that completely,” she said approvingly. “The ponytail’s got a sexy vibe to it, anyway, especially now that you’re going to dress properly.”
I laughed. “I might need to borrow some clothes from you.”
“Hey, I’m more than happy to share,” Missy said immediately. “I just wish you had wanted to raid my wardrobe sooner. How about we figure out what you’re going to wear for your Monday lecture?”
I bit my lip. “Do you think he’ll recognize me?”
“Definitely.” She nodded as she got up and went to her cupboards. “We’ll make sure of that. Now, what are you thinking: jeans or a dress?”
“A dress,” I said decidedly. “I want it to be a paired down version of my birthday dress.”
“Pretty but practical.” She nodded. “I get it, and I think I have the perfect thing for you.”
As Missy walked me through the options, I found my mind wandering slightly. I kept reliving all my favorite moments from the previous night. They were little things, tiny seconds that were forever frozen in my mind, but they made me feel more alive than I could ever recall.
I remembered the moment he had walked up to me, the moment he had told me I looked stunning, the moment he had asked me to walk with him. I remembered the way he had taken my hand and wrapped it around his arm, the way he smiled with his eyes, the way he had looked when he told me about his sister and nephew.
But most of all, I remembered the way his lips had felt against mine. I remembered feeling weightless for a moment, as though gravity had abandoned me and for just a second…I was free.
Chapter Twelve
Chance
I drank a glass of water and checked the time on my watch. My lecture was about to start, so I pushed myself to my feet. I had spent the whole of Sunday thinking back to my frustrating Saturday night. Everything had been going so smoothly and then I had freaked her out by asking her back to my place.
Why would that have upset her so badly? She was a beautiful woman who was probably propositioned all the time, so I couldn’t quite understand her reaction. She had looked more than nervous, in fact, she had seemed panic-stricken.
I had even dreamed about her the previous night. In my dream, she had been standing in my bedroom, undressing slowly. I just stood there, watching her, and I could feel the excitement build. But all I could glimpse was a peek of her bare shoulders before the dream dissolved and I was left painfully wanting.
In the end, I had abandoned sleep, walked into my living room, and turned on the television. I had stared unseeing at some mindless show and kept imagining Natalie, and all the things I would have done to her had she consented to come back home with me.
I had gone back to Oasis on Sunday night, hoping to run into her again, but she was nowhere in sight. A sexy young blonde had come up to me while I was brooding by the bar.
“Hey, there,” she had said, leaning in seductively. “Wanna dance?”
I stared at her face for a moment before I answered. She was blue-eyed, like Natalie, but her eyes weren’t nearly so bright or so beautiful. They were lacking the awareness, the character, and the subtle self-consciousness that made Natalie so endearingly interesting to me.
I had turned away from her and shook my head. “I’m here with someone,” I had replied.
“I don’t see anyone around.”
“She’s in the bathroom.”
“She’s been in the bathroom for a while now.”
I had turned back to the blonde, realizing that on any other night, I would have accepted her immediately. For a moment, I had just considered going with her. We could have danced for a few minutes, and then I would have pulled her outside and into my car for a quickie in the backseat. It is just sex, I had reasoned, and I had done this a hundred times before. Yet somehow, it seemed strangely wrong to fuck one woman while I was thinking of another. It didn’t make any sense, and yet I couldn’t justify accepting the blonde in front of me.
“I just want to be alone tonight, okay?”
Her eyes had gone wide for a moment, and then she shrugged, obviously annoyed with my lack of interest. “Suit yourself,” she huffed, before walking away aggressively.
I had spent the rest of the night sitting by the bar, watching every dark-haired woman who passed me by. I got a few come-hither looks, but somehow, I turned away from all of them with disinterest. Once it became clear that Natalie was not going to show up, I had abandoned my plan and headed back home to my empty bed.
A part of me was disappointed in myself. I wasn’t the kind of guy to sit at home alone and daydream about a woman. I was a grown man who had decided a long time ago to stay away from any sort of emotion when it came to women. Now I found myself unable to control my thoughts. And even if my thoughts cooperated, my dreams certainly didn’t.
I had even considered calling Sophie and venting a little. But after some thought, I had decided against it. She would just read too much into my preoccupation and get excited and give me stupid advice that I’d never take, and then I’d spend the rest of the conversation defending my lifestyle to her. It was more than I could take at the moment, and I was still hoping this strange new preoccupation would handle itself and vanish after a few days.
As I walked to my lecture, I decided to forget Natalie, at least for the moment. I would visit Oasis the coming weekend and hopefully run into her there. If not, well, my dreams would just have to suffice for the time being.
The lecture hall was half full when I entered. I went straight to my desk and began setting up. Once my USB had been attached, and my lecture slides were up and ready to go, I raised my head to face my students.
I nearly did a double take when I saw her sitting there in the front row. She was sitting where the dark-haired girl usually sat, and I felt my breath stall a little. It was Natalie. It had to be. She was the mousy, dark haired girl who had been occupying my thoughts for the last month.
Except today she looked different. Her hair was still tied up into her signature ponytail, but she had chosen not to wear her glasses.
Acting on instinct, I walked around my
desk and went straight towards her. I could see her tense a little as I approached, but I kept my expression and my tone business-like.
“I need to talk to you after the lecture,” I said.
She nodded, and I turned back and walked towards my desk. I found my mind wandering through the whole damn lecture. Every five seconds, it felt like I had to look in her direction to make sure she was actually there. It felt surreal somehow, and I was amazed that I had realized who she was that night. In hindsight, it should have been obvious. But I had been so enthralled by her dress and her hair that I had failed to see what was right in front of me. A part of me felt like a complete idiot.
I wondered momentarily if that was the real reason she had run from me. Had she been hoping I would recognize her? Had she been waiting to see if I was paying attention? Maybe she just didn’t want to sleep with some schmuck who didn’t know who she really was.
I kept stumbling through my lecture, making one mistake after another. When the hour came to a close, I breathed a sigh of relief as I came to the last slide.
As everyone piled out of the lecture hall, a few students came up to me to ask a couple of questions about my poorly-executed lecture. I answered their questions and watched them shuffle off, leaving me with an empty room. When I looked towards the seats, I realized that Natalie wasn’t alone. Jason was standing next to her, and they were talking.
Frowning, I took a step closer and listened in on their conversation unapologetically. I felt a little twinge of some emotion, but I refused to call it jealousy. Why would I be jealous of some douche who doesn’t even know how to speak to women? Still, I had no other word for the emotion I was feeling. It was odd, more so because of the fact that I’d never truly experienced the emotion before.
“You look amazing today,” Jason said, looking her up and down without any sense of subtlety.
“Thank you,” Natalie said, looking down self-consciously.
“Seriously, you look so, so good,” Jason continued. “I like the new look.”
“I have Missy to thank,” she said.
“How was your birthday celebration?” he asked.
I noticed there was a hint of irritation in his voice, as though he was angry about something, but he was hiding it under a false smile.