by Liwen Y. Ho
Upon hearing Melanie’s admission, Ben’s shoulders slumped and he released a long breath. “Is that who I am to you? A white guy who’s a teacher?”
“No, that’s not what I meant. But to my mother, that’s what she sees. That’s all she sees.”
“But is it all you see?”
“Of course not.”
“I’m finding it hard to believe you, Mel. Your words don’t match your actions. Tonight, you acted like you were embarrassed to be with me. If you aren’t okay with who I am, how will your mother ever be?”
“Ben, I was scared. I wasn’t sure how she would react. I knew she would be upset, but I didn’t know it would put her health at risk. I never thought things would get so complicated …” Her voice trailed off as she recalled the promise she had made at her mother’s hospital bed earlier.
* * *
“I am getting old, daughter. My heart cannot handle stress like before.”
“You’re going to be fine, Ma. It’s a good thing I had aspirin in my purse tonight and had you chew it. If you had swallowed it, it would have taken twice as long to get into your system. I’m sure that saved you from having a heart attack.”
“Then why do I still feel pain? It is burning in my chest.”
“Do you have any pain in your arms?” Melanie ran through a mental checklist as she regarded her mother. “How about your back, neck or jaw? In your stomach?”
“No.”
“Any shortness of breath, nausea or lightheadedness?”
“Not yet. But if they do not let me go home soon, I may suffocate. Hospitals always smell like sick people. I don’t know how you stand it.”
Melanie shrugged. “You get used to it.” Just like how she had gotten used to her mother’s critical nature over time. “You’re not sweating—that’s a good sign,” she observed. And she was not fatigued either, considering how talkative she had been since being admitted. “You have no symptoms of a heart attack. Stop worrying and try to rest. Do you need anything?”
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
“What do you need, Ma?”
“I need you to listen to me.” Patting the armrest of the chair next to her bed, she gestured for her to sit down. When Melanie obliged, she shared a feeble smile and continued to speak in a soft voice. “I want to talk about tonight.”
“I know—”
Mrs. Koo held up her hand to silence Melanie, her posture surprisingly firm for someone who had just complained of possible asphyxiation. “You know I want the best for you, don’t you, daughter? And what is best is what we are used to. Familiarity. That’s why we have lived in the same house for over ten years and have attended the same church and owned the same restaurant. Our family believes in consistency.”
“That’s true, but I’m pretty sure our family also believes in change because we moved six thousand miles to live in a new country.”
“Which is all the more reason why familiarity is crucial,” Mrs. Koo replied without skipping a beat. “Without it, our mind and heart, our very being comes under stress. And stress is not good, isn’t that right?”
Melanie nodded, although she was wary of where their conversation was headed.
“This is why I am so grateful your childhood friend Ming is here. We have known him, as well as his family, for many years. Seeing him tonight brought comfort to my heart. He is like the son your father and I never had.” Pausing to place her hand over her heart, she continued, “He is the reason I was saved tonight.”
Melanie almost fell off her chair. If she didn’t know better, she would have asked for a psychological evaluation. But as usual, her mother’s “delusions” were a symptom of what Sam liked to call “Drama Queen Syndrome”. “I’m quite certain it was the aspirin, Ma. It’s a proven medical fact that aspirin reduces blood clots and—”
“I am talking about my peace of mind,” Mrs. Koo interjected. “Do you not know I have been so worried about you. Ever since you went to medical school you have been too busy to date. Residency is not much better. I know with your long hours that you must feel lonely. Lonely and desperate enough that you would consider dating a foreigner.” She rushed on before Melanie could speak. “I understand; there’s no need to be ashamed. But you should have told me so I could help you. Even if you did not want to marry Melvin, there are plenty of other Chinese Christian men with well-paying jobs in the world. You must know your mother has connections.”
Melanie’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Ma, I’m not dating Ben because I’m lonely or desperate! I’m dating him because I like him. He makes me happy. We may be from different backgrounds, but we get along well. He’s a good man.”
“After what happened tonight, you still defend him?” Clutching her hands to her chest, Mrs. Koo fell against the pillows behind her. She released a long groan and closed her eyes.
“Ma?” Melanie eyed her suspiciously. “Are you okay?”
“Koo Mama, are you in pain?” Ming appeared in the doorway and rushed over to sit on the edge of the bed. “Should I get the doctor?”
Melanie leaned forward to get a better look at her mother at the exact moment she seemed to revive herself. She couldn’t be sure, but she thought she spotted a twinkle of delight in those upturned brown eyes which mirrored her own. “Ma, where does it hurt?”
“Ah, I am better now.” Smiling at the man sitting next to her daughter, she gripped his hand and placed it on top of Melanie’s. “You have come at just the right time, Ming. We are all so pleased you are here, aren’t we, Melanie?”
The touch of Ming’s hand on hers triggered several images to flash through her mind. Their awkward first kiss in junior high school. The beautiful song he wrote for her before she moved. The unexpected night of his twenty-first birthday… All these memories taunted her, yet drew her in as well. Pulling her hand away, she finally found the voice to stammer, “It is good to see you.”
Placing one hand over her heart, Mrs. Koo pleaded, “Promise me you will spend some time together, for this old woman’s sake. Promise me.”
Ming flashed his signature dimpled grin at Melanie, the smile he reserved for magazine covers and billboards. “That would be my pleasure. How about it, Ah-May? For old times’ sake.”
The familiar way her childhood nickname rolled off his tongue made her feel fifteen again. How she wished she could turn back time to when things had been so innocent and simple. Before she lost Ming and before she met Ben …
* * *
“What I hear you saying is that life has become more complicated ever since we started dating.”
Ben’s voice pulled Melanie back to the present. The kitchen had quieted down by now with only one worker left mopping the floor. The pungent smell of cleaning agents stung Melanie’s eyes, reminding her of an important fact. A small amount of bleach had the power to alter a whole gallon of water, just as one incident could change everything.
“Because I make your life complicated,” Ben conceded.
Her gaze met Ben’s. His hazel eyes, normally bright and hopeful, were clouded by sadness. “That’s not—that’s not what I mean.”
“Melanie, you can be honest with me. I don’t need you to sugarcoat the truth because you’re afraid of upsetting me. I mean, come on, if you were still engaged to Melvin or if you were back together with Ming, you wouldn’t have these problems. Neither one of them would have landed your mother in the ER. We both know that’s true.” He sighed before continuing, “But you’re not dating them or a guy like them. You’re dating a white guy who teaches math. That’s who I am.”
“I know that,” she asserted, her voice quivering with emotion. “I don’t expect you to change.”
“Well, there are some things about myself,” he reckoned, “that I could never change even if I wanted to. But I’m okay with who God made me to be, even if that makes our relationship complicated. The question is, are you? Do you want to be with me despite all the complications?”
“I, uh …” Melanie had trouble forming a
n answer. “I want to be. It’s just complicated—”
“Ah-May, are you ready to go?” Ming and his confident grin appeared in the doorway. He spotted Ben in an apron and called out, “Bob, you work in kitchen?”
“It’s Ben. And I was just leaving.” He nodded at Melanie in resignation. “Never mind. I already know your answer.” He removed his apron and placed it on the counter, then picked up his bike helmet. “Goodbye, Melanie.”
She watched him walk out the door and felt her skin grow cold. If their relationship had been hooked up to a heart monitor, Ben’s departure had just caused it to flat line.
Chapter 9
“Why are you going to Vegas?”
Melanie looked up from the open suitcase on her bed to see her sister glaring at her from the doorway. The way Sam stood with her arms crossed reminded her of herself whenever she went into “big sister” mode. Except this time, the roles were reversed. Her impulsive and headstrong sister was the one questioning her decision.
If that wasn’t a clue she was making a bad move, she didn’t know what was.
“The whole family is going and I already got the vacation days,” she replied as she sat down on the bed. “Why shouldn’t I go, too?”
“Maybe because you’re tired from being on call this week?”
“I’m okay. I’ve been sleeping during the day.”
“I know. That’s why I’ve barely seen you since Christmas.”
“Well, you’ll be seeing a lot of me for the next three days. Especially since we’ll be sharing a hotel room.”
“But what about hanging out with Ben?”
The mention of Ben’s name caused an awful squeezing sensation in Melanie’s chest. She rubbed the area over her heart, silently cursing the stress hormones at work in her body. Sensing Sam’s curious eyes watching her, she insisted, “I think I am kind of tired from working the graveyard shift.”
“You looked okay just a second ago,” she countered with an arched eyebrow. “What’s going on?”
“You know how stressful this week has been,” she stated as she massaged her throbbing temples. “Thank God Ma’s heart is okay. Ba’s been so worried about her; he’s even quieter than usual. I think this vacation will be good for both of them. They’ve worked non-stop for years. It’s time they did something fun.”
“But what about you? Wouldn’t you rather spend your time off with your hot teacher boyfriend instead of with Ma and Ba?”
Dropping her gaze, Melanie disclosed the news that had been weighing on her heart. “Ben and I are taking a break.” To be specific, she had not been answering his texts or calls since Christmas. Although she missed hearing his voice, she didn’t know what to say to him. Instead, she had thrown herself into her work, thankful her on-call schedule made it hard to reach her this past week. Before Sam could start grilling her, she rushed on, “Considering everything that’s happened, it’s for the best.”
“For the best?” Sam crossed the room and faced her sister. “For whose best?”
“For everyone involved, especially for Ma.” Tugging the edges of her heather grey cardigan around her body, Melanie wrapped herself up in a cotton cocoon. “She can’t risk facing any more stress. Her heart won’t be able to handle it.”
“Oh, please, she’s fine,” Sam insisted. “She’s already back to her old matchmaking ways. I heard her on the phone earlier with Melvin’s mother. It sounded like she’s now trying to marry me off to him. I don’t know what drugs they gave her at the hospital,” she said with one index finger moving in circles near her pink-streaked head, “but the side effects obviously haven’t worn off yet.”
Despite her melancholy mood, Melanie bit back a laugh. Leave it to Sam to turn their mother’s scheming into a joke. How she wished she could do the same. Why did she always have to take things so seriously? Oh yes, because she was the eldest daughter. And with that title came great responsibilities.
If only she didn’t feel so powerless.
Although Ben’s last text a few days ago implied otherwise: You need to make your own decisions in life. No one else can make them for you. She couldn’t help thinking about how the choices she had made concerning her love life had backfired one too many times.
If only she could view matters of the heart the way she viewed work. She had no trouble making decisions at the hospital. Medical scenarios were black and white; she did what she needed to do to help a patient. It was a matter of going down a checklist. If one method didn’t work, she tried something else. But when it came to love, there were no clear-cut answers. And no guarantees.
“You do realize you’re walking into a trap Ma set up?” Sam continued. “She got Ming to invite us all to watch his show so you guys can get back together. Why else would she agree to close the restaurant while we’re gone? That’s a lot of monnaie that she’s willing to lose to find you a Chinese husband.”
“Your accent is getting better,” Melanie mentioned in an attempt to change the subject. “I’m kind of impressed.”
“It’s all thanks to Ben. He showed me the YouTube channel he’s been using to learn Cantonese. They have tons of videos for French, too.”
A picture of sandy brown hair and dimples crossed her mind. She missed Ben and his warm smile so much. Her heart ached to know she had hurt him. He was right. She hadn’t fully accepted him. But so much stood in the way of her being able to do so. Their cultural backgrounds. Her mother. And one unexpected obstacle.
Her first love.
Ming’s reappearance in her life had caused a bigger impact than she had anticipated. He had been her first for so many things, as well as everything she thought she had wanted. There was a part of her that had always wondered what if? What if she hadn’t left Hong Kong? What if he had come to be with her in America? How would her life be different? Perhaps his return offered her a chance to find out these answers.
“I made a promise to Ma that I would spend time with Ming,” she admitted, knowing full well how her sister would respond. “That’s why I’m going to Vegas.”
“Are you out of your mind? Why would you do that?”
“Because she was lying in a hospital bed when she asked me. Because I felt guilty,” she reasoned. “I was the one who brought Ben to dinner even though I knew she wouldn’t approve of him. My decision played a major role in her heart attack.”
“Near heart attack,” Sam corrected, sarcasm dripping from every word. “I’ve got to hand it to Ma. She really got to you this time. This has to be her best guilt trip by far.”
“She didn’t have a near heart attack on purpose, Sam. She was in real pain.”
“That”— she sighed —“is one of your best and worst traits, Ga Je.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’re so dutiful, like a golden retriever puppy. You think the best of everyone. You’re always willing to give of yourself to make other people happy. That’s why you couldn’t see Ming for who he really was—a two-timing, arrogant jerk.” Her purple lined eyes narrowed as she marveled, “You still can’t see it, can you?”
“I-I wouldn’t fall for a jerk!” Melanie scoffed, her cheeks flushed in indignation. Her shoulders slouched as she choked out her next words, “I certainly wouldn’t have given myself up for one.”
Sam grew quiet. “What are you talking about?”
Melanie pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged her legs. “When I went back to Hong Kong for Ming’s twenty-first birthday, I …”
“You what?”
“We …” Melanie’s swallowed the truth that she had kept hidden for years.
Understanding registered in Sam’s eyes. “You slept with him,” she finished. “Oh, wow. Now it makes sense why you had such a hard time letting go.”
Melanie averted her gaze, unable to look her sister in the eyes. “It was my first time. I had had a little too much to drink at the party. He came back with me to my hotel room, and one thing led to another … ” Melanie’s voice cracked like br
oken glass falling from a shattered dream. “I thought things would change after that night. But I came back to America and he didn’t even call or write. I spent the next month worried I was pregnant—”
“What? You guys—he didn’t use protection? What kind of irresponsible jerk—”
Shaking her head, Melanie conceded, “It was as much my fault as Ming’s. I knew the consequences. I just wish I knew how much it would wreck me afterwards. I felt like I lost so much of myself—and for what? A happily ever after? That’s why I gave up on finding love. It wasn’t worth the pain.”
Sam sat down next to her sister, her eyes moist. “I wish I had known about this. Why didn’t you tell me?”
Melanie gave a bittersweet smile. “You were only fifteen. I couldn’t dump this on you. I’m supposed to be the older sister who doesn’t make mistakes. You and Billie look up to me to set an example. Ma and Ba expected me to graduate with honors and go to med school. Do you know how much I wanted to tell someone, even them? But it would have killed them to know I had almost thrown away my future with one stupid decision.”
“Ga Je, even though you’re the oldest, it doesn’t mean you have to do everything right. It’s okay that you’re not perfect. No one is,” Sam reassured her. “I like the fact that you’re not. It makes you seem human. Plus, it makes me feel better about myself.”
“Why wouldn’t you feel good about yourself? You’re so artistic and brave. You do things I would never do.”
“Exactly. That’s why we all know you’re Ma’s favorite.”
Melanie shook her head. “No, what I mean is that I admire you. I know I give you a hard time, Sam, but that’s because I wish I could be like you.”
“You want to be like me?”
“Yes. I wish I could do things because I wanted to do them, not because I feel obligated to. I wish I didn’t have to be so responsible all the time.”
“But that’s who you are. You’re the one person I can count on, no matter what. Even when I screw up—and you know I do all the time—I know you’ll be there for me.” A smile spread across Sam’s face. “And now that I know you’re not perfect, I won’t be as scared to tell you when I do mess up.”