Leah looked at him for a moment, “Is that it? Is that what's bothering you, that you were carried off a battlefield? Many great warriors have been carried off the field of battle. I understand that your father was even carried off more than once on his many campaigns. That doesn't make you a disgrace. I would say the fact that you stayed and fought bravely until the end against horrible odds lends more credence to the story that you are a hero. I was aware that the stories your brothers were telling of you cutting down legions of enemy soldiers were exaggerated, but maybe they were not exaggerated so much as I believed.”
“But all their lives were in danger because of me. They had to protect me,” William persisted.
She smiled a disarming smile at him, “So, if it had been one of them, would you have done the same?”
“But it wasn't—”
“No,” she cut him off. “Answer the question. Would you have done the same?”
“Of course,” he grudgingly conceded. “But—”
”No, No,” she cut him off again. “That’s it. That is all that is important. You would not even have thought about it. And if you had been wounded or killed in so doing, so be it?”
William sighed, “Yes, I suppose so.”
Leah was still grinning, “Don't you see what this is? It is your pride that’s hurt. That is all. Let it go and do better next time,” she finished, very pleased that she had solved this problem so readily.
”And that's all there is to it? You are very quick to dismiss this.”
“And you should be too,” she assured him, confident that she had appropriately addressed his concerns.
Just then a dark-haired girl with olive skin who was a few years younger than Leah came into the garden, and William groaned.
“There you are,” she said to Leah, “I have been looking everywhere for you. Mother said you are supposed to be helping her prepare the baskets for the sick, and you are going to be in dutch if you do not make an appearance right now.” She delivered the message with all the gravity of a younger sister trying her best to sound like her mother. “Edith being ill is no excuse for you to disappear.”
“Hello, Eve,” William said without any particular warmth. Eve glared at William. “Is that all the salutation I get from you, Eve? Where is the love?” William teased. Her glare turned darker still. Leah tried to suppress a smirk but only half succeeded. William lowered his voice as if speaking in confidence. “You know, Eve, it is you that I was fighting for out there. When I was out there in the heat of battle, it is the memory of you that kept me going strong.”
“Everyone says you are a hero, but you’re just a jerk!” she said with all the feeling she could muster.
”Actually, that is what they were going to put on the banners celebrating my triumphant return,” William replied without missing a beat. He moved his hand in front of his face as if envisioning the waving banner in the air. “All hail the return of the jerk hero, William. Praise the mighty jerk hero.” He dropped his hand down to his side as if deflated, “But alas, it would not fit on the banner, so they just gave me a stomp on the head instead.”
“Triumphant return? I heard they carried you back home. I wish you had been killed,” Eve fumed.
“Eve!” Leah said, shocked. Eve looked down at her feet, embarrassed but still angry. “Apologize this instant!”
“Why should I?”
“Now, Eve!” Leah said dangerously.
“I'm sorry,” Eve mumbled.
In a calmer voice Leah said, “Tell Mother that I will be right there.” Eve turned without a word and ran from the garden. Leah stood, preparing to leave. “I am sorry about that.”
William dismissed it with a wave. Although he had not shown it, secretly her words had stung him, not only because it was true but also because he knew there were many people, not just silly children, that felt the way Eve did. He had hurt a lot of people. But he and Eve had had an antagonistic relationship for as long as he could remember. This was nothing new, and he did not let it get to him for long.
“You really shouldn't tease her like that,” Leah chided him for the thousandth time. “She is growing up and pretty soon will be one of the ladies of the court, and you are going to have her perpetual suitors up here challenging you over her honor.” She smiled as she said it.
“What suitors?”
Leah looked at him oddly. “You haven't noticed?”
“It would seem I have not.”
“William, Eve is becoming a beautiful young woman. She already has suitors trying to arrange matches with her.”
“No, she does not.” William refused to believe it. She had always just been Leah's annoying little sister to him, and he could not see her as anything else.
“Oh yes,” Leah assured him. “But father won't hear of it. In fact, he is thinking of shipping her off to France to school, just to stave off the inevitable for a few years.” She straightened her dress and said, “Well, I better get going.”
“Leah,” William blurted as she started to go, “there is something else.” She turned to face him again. “When I was fighting the giant...”
“Yes,” she prodded.
He already regretted even bringing it up, but now that he was this far, he wanted to share with someone the fears that were taking root in his heart. “I was not strong enough. We were locked in a struggle, the giant and I, and I reached down with everything I had, and it was not enough. I was not strong enough to win.”
Leah walked back and sat down on the bench next to him and put her arm around his shoulders that were hunched in defeat. “Your strength is what kept you alive.”
“But don't you see? There is always going to be someone stronger or better than me, and this man was both. I was powerless against him, and it struck a terror into my heart that I never want to feel again.”
She smiled sympathetically. “So what are you saying? You are not going to battle anymore? I am not sure that is up to you.”
“When I was out there wounded, I was terrified. My blood mingled with the blood of men I did not even know. I knew then that this is not what I wanted. I do not want to be a knight.”
Leah squeezed his shoulder comfortingly. “I am glad you did not want to be there. You are too good a person to ever want to be part of bloodshed and destruction, and I would never want to see that grow on you. But you are a warrior from a warrior family, William. It is part of who you are and it is part of the role you will have to play.”
“Thanks a lot,” William muttered dejectedly.
She prepared to stand again, knowing her mother was counting the moments until her return. “So you were scared? Feeling fear does not make a coward; giving in to the fear makes a coward, and you did not do that.” She faced him. “Thank you for sharing this with me.”
He looked up at her for a moment and then looked away, not wanting to meet her eyes. “Thank you for listening.”
She put her hand under his chin and raised his eyes to meet hers. “I always believed in you, but now that I know this, you have confirmed my high opinion of you. I believe in you more now than ever.”
William forced a smile. “Thank you,” he said, knowing that she was genuine.
“Are you going to be alright?”
“Yes, I will be fine. You’d better get going before Eve forms a mob.” He resisted the urge to ask her not to betray his confidences to anyone else, but he knew his secrets were safe with Leah.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“Can speed overcome strength?” William asked Jurou seriously as he sat puffing heavily on the tatami floor where he had been foiled in a whirlwind attack against his instructor. He was left on the floor gasping for air. This was his first training session since his battle with the giant. Leah's words had been of some comfort to him, but William was determined to go into hard training. For the first time he viewed his training as a matter of life or death. He now saw each lesson as the possible difference between victory and defeat. Every hour he trained prepar
ed him that much more for the next time he faced an opponent who was bigger and stronger. Still, William could not entirely shake the fear that had been planted in his heart that day.
This particular subject weighed heavily on William’s mind, and he valued Jurou’s word on it, not only because he respected him as a wise teacher but also because Jurou was about William's height and build, and his prowess as a warrior was legendary. William knew he would never be as strong as Richard or the giant; therefore, if the actual truth was that speed would always be second to strength, than William would always be an inferior warrior. He knew that Jurou would know the truth of this better than anyone.
”Speed can achieve levels of proficiency that a man’s natural strength cannot match,” Jurou equivocated.
“Why do you hesitate?”
“Speed can overcome, but only as utilized by the most skilled practitioners of the martial arts.” The strong will always try to force a contest of strength. If you oblige them, you will lose. You must keep the contest on your terms, where you are most comfortable.”
”Toward that end,” William retrieved his bokken from the tatami floor and returned the wooden practice sword to its place on the wall in an act he had decided upon while convalescing.
“Your lesson is not completed. Why do you surrender your weapon so soon?” Jurou demanded.
Walking further down the wall covered in weapons, William pulled the spear from the pegs it rested on. William had trained with all these weapons but had largely focused on the sword as the weapon of choice for a knight. He was re-thinking that now. He stood before Jurou with his new weapon.
Jurou watched him in silence. “By fleeing your fear you are only prolonging the day that you will have to face it,” he said wisely. “Pick up your sword and let that day be today,” he challenged.
William was looking at the floor, ashamed. He did not like that his mentor saw through him so easily. It was very unusual for William to disobey Jurou, but now he only shook his head and stood his ground. “I am not ready.”
Jurou considered for a long moment. “Very well. Defend yourself.” Jurou’s bokken came up quickly in a flurry of vicious slices that had William instantly on the defensive. It was all he could do to fend off the onslaught of rapid strikes with the slower, more awkward spear. Jurou did not let up, and William found himself stumbling backward under his trainer’s aggression.
William was desperate to return a strike but was too off balance to find a break in the combination of blows that had both ends of his spear flailing madly to intercept them. Then William’s back was against the wall. Jurou swung a rapid overhead strike with his bokken. William brought the spear up in both hands and caught the wooden blade on the shaft.
Jurou stepped close to William, his left hand locking William’s right wrist above his head and the other bringing the blunt tip of his sword to dig into William's belly. He twisted it painfully in the skin to indicate where William would have just been skewered. “You lose.”
Jurou backed away a pace. “What is the greatest weakness of the spear?” he demanded, recalling old training drills from William’s earliest days under his tutelage.
“In close quarters fighting, there is no room to move,” William answered automatically. “Good thing there are very few walls on the battlefield,” William muttered sarcastically. He felt that Jurou was simply abusing him to make his point, and he was sulking that he had been so easily bested by his teacher—yet another reminder of how much more skilled Jurou was than he.
“There are many walls in the field,” Jurou barked sharply. “A horse, a melee, a barricade. All these things can limit your mobility and limit your options.”
”Why are you angry? Do you believe the spear is a viable weapon?” William challenged, looking over the length of it and appreciating the extra reach it gave him over virtually any man, even a giant one. He had not made this decision on a whim; he had been thinking about it ever since he had wished for it in the heat of battle.
”I only have a problem with it if you are using it to hide behind instead of to face your fears.”
William looked closely at his mentor. His height, weight, and build were very similar to William's own. Even Jurou’s straight black hair and yellow skin resembled William’s wavy dark hair and olive skin. Yet for all the similarities, there was something so much more solid about Jurou. Something much more self-assured. Jurou had already proven himself. He already knew what he was capable of, and William was still struggling to discover that in himself.
“I'm not you, Jurou,” he said, his eyes again finding safety in the floor. “I may not be good enough. I was not good enough in the field. I failed my first real test. I failed and I had to be rescued.”
”Ah, I see you have found a new fear to wear around your neck.”
“A new fear?”
“William, when we first started working together all those years ago, what was the biggest fear you struggled to master?”
William shrugged. “I was afraid of everything. I was afraid of having no control of my life and that fear turned into rage.”
“That is what we set out to master. We were able to channel that rage into healthy activities that made you a brilliant student. If you fought and lost, it only fueled your desire to improve. Why not channel this experience the same way? Consecrate it for your benefit.”
“But I haven't mastered anything,” William protested. “My anger still exists. It is just buried deeper now. I still live in fear of it coming out because it is so hard to control.” He shook his head and repeated, “So hard. It can take me days or sometimes weeks to suppress it when it gets loose. I am plagued by sleepless nights and horrible designs and schemes I should never want anyone to know about.”
“It may never disappear entirely. But you are learning to control it. That is why it is so important not to let another fear worm its way into your heart. You must stay above it. You lived to learn from it. Just be sure you learn the proper lessons.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“Will you be requiring my services during your interview with Lady Dawning?” Edith asked Leah the moment they entered the library. Edith had made a habit of delivering her mistress safely to Dawning Castle for her now regular visits and promptly disappearing.
“Of course, Edith. I will send for you when your services are again required.” These visits with Lady Dawning had begun not long after William's disappearance. Leah came for news about the family, and Martha had come to enjoy the company. Martha had grown quite fond of this sweet young lady and valued her friendship very much. She had known Leah since she was born and had always known her to be a sweet girl, but now she really found a friend and confidant in this guileless young woman where she had no other.
“I think Edith has found herself romance among your house servants,” Leah smiled as the door closed behind Edith’s rapidly departing back. “You remember she used to refuse to leave my side. She would sit with us for hours on end as we discussed events and people she did not know. To her it must have been sheer tedium. Now she can’t seem to escape fast enough.”
“It happens to everyone sooner or later, I’m afraid,” Martha replied unconcerned.
Leah seated herself in her usual seat on the sofa. “Now, what news?” she asked anxiously.
“There is still no news,” Martha looked at her seriously.
Leah’s countenance fell almost imperceptibly, but Martha saw it. “Leah,” she said sitting next to the younger woman on the sofa. “Whatever has happened to William, we can’t be sure but we have to expect that even if he still lives, he will not return here.”
Leah was taken aback. “You must not say such things. Certainly he still lives.”
“That may well be, dear, but the reason that William took his leave of us has not materially changed.” She sighed. “Leah, I have never known a gentler, more noble heart than yours. Being of Saxon birth, I do not place much stock in hereditary nobility. My very soul shrinks at the idea
of aristocracy and that one can be born to nobility. But if ever I knew someone that made me question that, it is you. You are good and noble through and through, and you have been all your life.”
Leah blushed and dropped her eyes. “You do flatter me, lady.”
Martha dismissed that with a wave. “But you have watched all your friends one by one marry and begin to raise families, and still you are alone. I know you have had many suitors, yet you have refused every suit that is pressed upon you. Why is that?”
“I should be loath to give my heart to one that I could not dedicate myself wholly and completely to.”
“Leah,” she said seriously, “enough. I know your heart pines for someone, but you are too precious a spirit to waste away in self-imposed solitude.” Leah did not speak, so she continued. “I love my son, and there is no one in this world with whom I would rather see him, or any of my sons for that matter. But I would not sacrifice the best years of your womanhood for any of my sons. You are too precious a spirit.” A tear found its way to Leah’s cheek, but still she did not speak. “I am aware of the visitors to your father’s house and the negotiations he is involved in. I believe it to be a choice situation, and I have advised him to accept it. An—”
She stopped suddenly when the library door swung open.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
“Am I interrupting something?” Henry slowed his pace as he entered the library to find his mother and Leah sitting, heads together, conversing quietly. Leah's presence was wholly unexpected, and Henry was dismayed at finding her here on this evening. She was seated in a simple white dress that seemed to complement her beauty in that easy way everything she wore seemed to complement her.
“Actually, son,” Martha said, sitting back, “you are interrupting,” she told him frankly but not in an unfriendly tone.
“Terribly sorry.” He performed a mock bow. “I merely thought I would pay my respects since I have only just returned.”
The Knights Dawning (The Crusades Series) Page 20