by Jane Lark
‘I’d get your lock changed to a chub lock. They’re more secure.’
‘But someone let him in downstairs, so…’
‘I know. But at least then you’ll feel safer when you’re in here and we’ll remind the other residents not to let anyone through who’s calling for someone else.’
‘Thank you. That’s twice someone’s let them in, and I’ve been feeling like someone followed me, and…’ I remembered. ‘When I came in today, just before, I thought I saw someone in the street who’d followed me around the corner and then turned back. I’ve seen him a lot.’
‘Okay. Well you get packed and then we’ll get a full statement.’
She stayed with me while I packed. It didn’t take me long – my hands shook too much to pack properly, so I threw things into my rucksack. I didn’t even know if I had what I needed; my brain was too messed up to think.
I sat in the police car again to go through my statement. Then the locksmith arrived to look at the door. His verdict was that I needed a new door, but he knew a carpenter who could fix it. The door was Greg’s responsibility, though, and so the policewoman handled all the conversations with Greg. He called his insurance company to see if they would cover it. The whole thing screamed like a nightmare.
When Rick finally arrived after nearly an hour, I threw myself at him, flinging my arms around his neck, then cried my eyes out against his shoulder. ‘It’s okay.’ He rubbed my back gently. ‘I’m here.’
That sense of being home swamped me, the feeling of slippers and sofas to curl up on – that sense of security that had always surrounded Rick. ‘What took you so long?’ I said against his chest.
‘I’d stayed at Jessica’s. But I’m here now. It’s okay,’ he said again as he looked at the policewoman while I continued gripping him in a bear hug and sobbing. ‘Is everything sorted? Have you got any idea who did it?’
‘We’re doing a full investigation.’
Rick patted my back and I think he looked at the policewoman a bit helplessly because she said, ‘We’ll refer you to victim support, Ivy.’
‘That’s cool.’ Rick replied for me. ‘Thank you.’
‘I suggest you wait until the carpenter arrives and finishes what he needs to do, then you can leave. Our team might even be finished by then.’
In the end, I gave up my fear of Greg maybe being involved and agreed to go back inside to wait, but with Rick. I wouldn’t have gone in there on my own. We sat on his sofa, with me hugging Rick like he was the last human on earth, as I kept crying. Rick’s arm hung around me and he stroked my hair. ‘I called Steve on the way over. He didn’t know.’
God how stupid. I was planning to go to Milly’s and I hadn’t even asked her. ‘He and Milly went to her parents; they’re not home until later. I didn’t ring her. But they’ll let me go there, won’t they? When they get back, they’ll let me stay there…’
‘You can kip at mine if you want? I’ll take the sofa. You can have the bed.’
‘No. I’ll go to Milly’s.’ It would be too weird staying in the place we used to live in together and— ‘You have Jessica now. She wouldn’t like it, would she? I’ll call Milly.’ I sat up and got my phone out of my pocket, rang her and told her everything, and she said I could stay.
Once the carpenter had put a new door and lock on and the police had finished going over everything, I locked up and walked away.
The police said they’d let me know what was happening and Greg said he’d keep an eye out for any weirdoes. I still wasn’t sure if he was the weirdo, though; he was always appearing when I came in, like he waited for me, and he’d been the same with Rick as he was with Jack, staring too much, and he’d said in a knowing way when Rick arrived, ‘Oh your friend came then…’ in a sarcastic voice, like he was judging me for having men call here.
When Rick and I walked down the steps to the street my eyes looked everywhere as my body felt like I had creepy crawlies all over me. I couldn’t trust anyone.
Rick and I waited in a café near Milly and Steve’s for them to get back. I left my phone on the table by my elbow, hoping Jack would call back. After about an hour, it vibrated, shaking on the tabletop and sending a tremor through me. I snatched it up. ‘Jack,’ I breathed, before I’d even got the phone to my mouth and ear.
‘Hey, what is it?’ His voice gripped at my soul. ‘I’m between the meeting and the dinner, but I saw your missed call.’
‘Someone broke into my flat.’
‘No.’
‘The door was forced open. The police said it was done with a crowbar.’
‘Shit. Why?’
‘I don’t know. The person didn’t take anything. But the police have taken fingerprints and pictures and it has to be the same person who looked at my post.’
‘But why, Ivy? That’s not Sharon’s style at all. She likes public showdowns. She wouldn’t do that. What has she got to gain from that? Shit.’
His voice sounded shaky. ‘I’ll call, Em. I’ll get her to take over here and I’ll come and get you.’
‘No. It’s okay, I’m going to stay at a friend’s. It’s all organised and you have Daisy tomorrow. You need to focus on that. I was shaken up but I’m okay now. I’ll be alright.’
‘Are you sure? I’m willing to drop this if you need me to? I’m sure Em would stand in.’
‘Emma doesn’t do sales. You’re the sales person. You carry on, I’m fine.’
‘You’re sure?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then promise you’ll call me if you need me. I’ll leave my phone on vibrate on the table. If you need anything ring and I’ll go to the loo or something and ring you back.’
‘Thanks. But I’ll be okay.’
‘I feel like shit now. I want to be with you.’
‘It’s fine.’
He took a breath and blew it out harshly. I could tell he really wanted to leave the clients and come over, but he couldn’t do anything here and he had to be with Daisy tomorrow, so I couldn’t go to his.
‘It’s okay. Just have a good day with Daisy tomorrow.’
‘I’ll call you later.’
‘No, don’t if it’s late, I know Milly has some Valium stashed away for emergencies. I’ll probably take one, I’ll be wiped out.’
He made a sound like he wasn’t happy he wouldn’t be able to talk to me.
‘I’ll see you on Monday – it’s alright.’
‘See you then, but take care and call me if you need me.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Bye.’ He blew me a kiss down the phone.
‘Bye.’ I didn’t blow a kiss back, Rick was sitting opposite me and his eyes were asking, who?
As soon as I ended the call the question was voiced. ‘Who was that?’
‘I… the guy I’m seeing. I’ve started dating someone too.’
‘You didn’t say…’
‘I know. But it’s only been days, it was too soon.’
His mouth set in a line and he nodded slowly.
‘It’s the guy I spent Christmas with. We’ve got back together, but it only happened a couple of weeks ago.’
‘Well, I hope he’s good to you.’
‘I’m hoping he’s good to me too.’
Things went silent for a minute. ‘Are you angry that I called you, when—’
‘When you’re seeing someone else.’ He shook his head. ‘No, I’m glad you still feel able to call me. And I’m seeing someone else too, remember…’
‘Yes.’ I reached across the table and clasped Rick’s hand. ‘Thank you for coming. I appreciate you helping me. He’s working and I had no one else to call.’ Was this me controlling Rick still? Hanging on the safety line he was willing to keep hold of at the other end. Maybe I was as controlling as Jack, in a more subversive way, still pulling on Rick’s kindness when it suited me. But so what? I didn’t care at the moment. I needed Rick.
‘It’s okay. I didn’t mind. Where did you meet this guy?’
‘At
work. It’s Jack.’
‘Your boss?’
‘Yes.’
‘I thought he was married.’
‘They’ve been separated for ages, they’re getting a divorce.’
‘You and him haven’t been going on longer?’
‘No. I wouldn’t have done that to you. I’m not like that.’
He stared at me for a moment, then sighed out a breath. ‘It feels weird you seeing someone else.’
‘It felt weird for me when you told me about Jessica. It’s strange isn’t it?’ But that made the point. It wasn’t fair of me to keep holding on to him as my safety line when he had Jessica at the other end of it too.
‘Yes.’ He shrugged as his lips twisted into a bitter smile. ‘It is weird. To think we spent all that time together. I thought it was going to be you and me forever.’
I swallowed against the lump suddenly grasping at my throat. My face twisted in a strained expression too. I’d hurt him when I left. He hadn’t deserved it. A piece of me ached for the comfort of the easy life I’d left, when I hadn’t been afraid of anything. But I ought to let that life go completely. I needed to move on and I ought to let him move on without me jerking on the safety rope that kept pulling him back.
He stood up. ‘Come on. Milly and Steve should be home by the time we walk there.’
Chapter 23
I pressed the button in the lift to travel up to the office. I didn’t feel able to work. But I’d spent my weekend in a parallel universe and I wanted to do something normal. I didn’t think I was going to get much work done, though.
I walked into the room. Jack was in his office. He stood up as soon as he saw me. I took my coat off and hung it up. When I turned around Jack was there. ‘Ivy. Are you okay? Are you sure you should be in here? You’re a sickly white.’
He pulled me towards his office by a gentle grip on the sleeve of my sweater.
As soon as we got in there my tears welled up. I wasn’t feeling good. I was feeling lousy – numb. ‘Be warned, if you ask me to talk about it I’m going to cry, and there are glass walls and everyone will see me crying.’
‘Shit. I didn’t realise you were so upset. You should have called me last night. You should go home.’
‘I can’t go home. I don’t have a home any more. Someone violated it. Homes are meant to feel safe. Mine doesn’t. And the place is so small that I can feel him everywhere in it. I hate it.’ The tears I’d promised him ran down my cheeks in rivers. He stepped forward and his arms wrapped around me and hugged me hard. Not in the way a boss gave an employee a little empathetic hold, but in the form of someone who cared about me hanging on to me because they needed to, to give me comfort that reached as deep as my heart and my soul. My arms wrapped about his waist and I hung on to him too.
‘I guess we’re going to have to come out to the office,’ he whispered in my ear.
I lifted my head and looked out through the glass. Yes. They were all looking. ‘Sorry.’
‘Hey, I held you first and I was going to say to you we’d tell people today anyway. We don’t need to care about Sharon any more. Do you want me to take you home to my place after the meeting?’ My forehead toppled against his shoulder and I nodded. His hand stroked over my hair. ‘You can knock yourself out with Jeremy Kyle and I have a PlayStation as well, so loads of entertainment.’
‘Thanks.’
‘You can stay for as long as you want.’
‘Thanks.’
‘You’re welcome. But I guess we’d better go and face the music.’
If Rick’s comfort had been like turning to home and safety, Jack’s comfort was like being inside a fortress. He gripped my hand when we went into the open-plan office, and I saw Emma notice the gesture. Then he shouted. ‘Meeting time! No time for coffee.’
We walked ahead of everyone and he kept a solid hold on my hand, the tension in it said, everything’s going to be okay.
He didn’t let me sit – he kept me with him at the front. Then, when everyone was sitting down, he said, ‘You’ve probably already guessed this, but Ivy and I want you to know we’re seeing each other outside work.’
I’m sure I turned red as they all looked at me. I tried to smile as some of the guys lifted eyebrows and other people said congratulations. Emma just looked at me weirdly.
‘Anyway, now that cat is out of its bag. Also, be aware that Ivy’s place got broken into at the weekend and she’s a bit shaky.’ He looked at me and then said quietly, ‘Do you want to sit down?’
No, I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole.
I did sit down.
I didn’t absorb anything anyone said through the rest of the meeting. Afterwards he left me standing by my desk and went into his office to fetch his coat and his keys.
Emma came over to me. ‘Ivy. How awful about your place. Are you okay?’
‘Yes. I think so. I spent the weekend at a friend’s, but Jack is going to let stay at his now. I can’t concentrate on work, I’m sorry.’
She smiled at me. ‘You don’t need to be sorry. I hope you feel better soon.’
‘Thanks.’
Phil looked up at me when Jack came back, but he didn’t say anything. Jack clasped my arm and started walking. He looked at Tina as we walked past her. She was all big eyes and knowing smile. ‘I’ll be back in about an hour. If anyone calls don’t transfer them to my mobile. I won’t answer. I’ll call them back later.’
He took me home by taxi as he had the bike and I didn’t have my leathers, and through the whole journey I leant against his shoulder crying, my arms gripped about his middle while his arm stayed tightly wrapped around my shoulders.
He still had his arm around me when we travelled up to his place in the lift, and when we got out he gently squeezed my shoulder as he steered me in through the door.
The place was different in the day. The view from all the windows was awesome.
His hand fell away. I turned to look at him.
His hand cupped my chin. ‘I wish I’d left them to it on Saturday. I should have got Em to take over and fetched you.’
‘No. You couldn’t have come over anyway. I was at Milly’s and I couldn’t have come here because you had Daisy on Sunday, and then where would I have gone?’
He stared at me, his eyes expressing empathy, guilt and a desire to hang around here with me. ‘I have to get back. The Italians signed up to one of my ideas, I need to get the contracts set up, but I’ll get someone else working on it, then I’ll come home and lounge around with you this afternoon. But while I’m gone, treat the place like it’s yours. Riffle through my stuff. Raid the fridge. Whatever.’
I nodded. I was not really capable of riffling or thought, or anything.
‘Do you want me to stay? The account stuff could wait until tomorrow.’
‘No, it’s alright. I’ll be fine. I’m only dopey from taking Valium.’
‘Are you sure you should’ve taken it?’
‘Says he who took all manner of non-prescription drugs a few months back.’
‘Yes, but now I’ve stopped and the Valium weren’t prescribed for you, they were prescribed for your friend. Still illegal, sweetheart.’
I stuck my tongue out.
‘Lie down on the sofa. Do you want me to get you a drink, or anything else?’
‘No. I think I’ll put the TV on and try to sleep.’
‘I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow.’
‘Thanks.’ When he went off to get them, I slipped my shoes off, then sat down.
He threw the pillow and blanket next to me, then bent down and held my cheek with one hand, and kissed the other cheek. ‘See you in a while.’
I nodded. I felt rotten – I’d needed Captain Control to take over. And it was a nice feeling, that by taking control of me he was letting go of control at work. He did really care about me, then.
When he came home it was about three in the afternoon and I was lying on the sofa watching an old film on Film 4. He made
me a hot chocolate with some stuff he’d bought for Daisy, then changed into chill-out clothes – a t-shirt and the loose jogging bottoms he’d worn Saturday morning. Then he sat down at one end of the sofa and lifted my head on to his lap. I hadn’t really slept over the weekend, even with the Valium, because I’d kept dreaming and waking up, but as he stroked my temple I fell asleep.
April
‘Healthy porridge or unhealthy bacon butty for breakfast?’
‘Porridge. But I’ll cook it. You want to get to work.’ I hadn’t been into work all week. I’d been going to attempt it yesterday, but he’d told me, no, as my boss. He’d insisted I stayed at home, at his.
‘Okay. I’ll go and shower.’ He had his phone in his hand. He looked down and sent a text. Then left his phone on the kitchen worktop.
I looked down and saw a blue-and-white string of messages between him and Emma. The last one that he’d sent said, ‘I don’t give a shit what they think, she’s still freaked out over the break-in. I wouldn’t expect any of them to be in work in this situation. But if you’re worried, I’ll cover her wages out of mine, okay?’
Oh God, I couldn’t help myself. As he disappeared, before his phone had chance to lock, I picked it up and then I scanned through the chain of texts he’d been sharing with Emma all week. The last one from her said: ‘You know we’re paying her. Everyone is noting everyday she’s not here and noticing that it’s all very well to take a ton of time off when you’re sleeping with the boss.’
Tears clouded my view of the texts. I flipped back to the main message menu, cut up by how harshly she’d had a go at him. If everyone thought I was getting favours – they were right if he was going to pay my employer’s sick pay himself. But he’d told them what had happened. I’d have taken the time anyway.
The next name in his text stream was Sharon. The urge would not be denied, because the last text it showed under her name from Jack said, ‘At least she’s not after my fucking money!’
My heart thumped a hard rhythm as I opened the stream to look at the text above it. ‘You know she’s too quiet for you. You’re gonna get bored.’ The rest of the stream was not about me. She’d sent the comment after she’d seen us last Friday. The earlier texts were jabs about Daisy or requests for money. But it still stung. I’d forgotten about her and her bitchy attitude. Now it smacked me in the face. I’d been hiding here, sulking like a child, and he’d let me. He would get bored if he spent too much time around this me.