by Jodi Thomas
Harrison mumbled, “Having the preacher be Kelly’s new best friend will probably encourage the head of the posse to book early on the next train.”
Jacob ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “I’ll leave when it’s good and dark.”
Every bone in his body told him not to leave Nell, but he saw no other way. Harrison was right; for once the best way to protect her might be for him to leave.
CHAPTER 31
THE REST OF THE DAY, JACOB FELT LIKE HE’D BEEN locked in prison. Sun shone through all the windows, but he was trapped inside. It wouldn’t be safe for him even to sit on the porch. Besides Kelly, Walter Farrow might have lookouts watching for him to appear at Nell’s place. If anyone knew he was at the house, they’d reason the boy would be there also. Jacob felt like he could handle Kelly or Farrow dropping by, but they might bring a mob of townsfolk with them, and then someone might get hurt.
He could almost see Walter standing in the saloon yelling that a killer was still in their town and it was up to the citizens to do something about him. He’d go into detail about how Hank was one of the men who’d pulled innocent people off the train and shot them.
Farrow, or Kelly, would probably buy everyone a few drinks before announcing his plan. Since he was a lawyer, he might reason that they could have a trial now and save time. Kelly would agree to take Hank’s body back to Fort Worth.
And finally, when the crowd was ready, Farrow would lead them out to Nell’s place to do what he’d decided had to be done. By the time they’d get to the house by the tracks, the crowd would have turned into an angry mob, and not even Farrow would have control.
Jacob couldn’t risk that on Nell’s property. He had a feeling if there was a fight, Nell would be right in the middle of it, even in her wheelchair. So his only choice was to stay out of sight and wait for midnight.
By midafternoon, when Nell and the nurse left to go to the river for a swim, he was starting to bump into furniture like the top Harrison had bought the baby. He tried reading but couldn’t settle enough to pay attention. He talked to Wednesday for a while, but to his surprise, the girl didn’t seem all that interested in keeping him company. He cleaned and reloaded every weapon in the house, including his own Colt that had been packed in dried mud.
Jacob could only think of one other thing he could do with Nell to pass the time, and she was never alone. Even staying in the same room with her and not being free to touch her bothered him. So he paced and ate. Then, for a change, he ate and paced.
If the sun didn’t set soon, they’d have to roll him out of the house.
Harrison seemed to be gone for hours with Nell and the nurse. Jacob was glad to see them return and frustrated when he couldn’t go out front to carry her in. She looked tired even from twenty feet away.
Marla hurried out with more blankets and then stayed to help lift her off the wagon. Even Gypsy ran outside, leaving Jacob alone in the shadows.
When Harrison and Marla reached the entry, Jacob took Nell from them and carried her upstairs. Before he had time to say more than a few words to her, Mrs. O’Daniel ordered him out so they could give her a warm bath.
Jacob was banished back downstairs, where he pestered Harrison in the study until suppertime. Then, thankfully, Nell asked him to have dinner upstairs with her. She said she was tired, and he might be seen downstairs once the lights were lit.
Jacob didn’t argue, and neither did anyone else in the house. In fact, Harrison and Gypsy almost pushed him up the stairs just before dark with a tray to take to Nell’s room.
He shoved open her door and found her watching the evening shadows from her window. She was already in her gown and robe, with her hair combed down over her shoulders. The angels couldn’t be more beautiful, he decided and was glad he’d finally have some time alone with her.
“I drove everyone nuts downstairs, and they sent me up here,” he joked.
“I know,” she answered. “Gypsy said you’re harder to keep inside than a wild cat.”
Jacob shrugged. “I don’t care. This is where I’d rather be, anyway.”
This time she smiled. “I know that, too.”
He placed the tray on the tiny table between them and didn’t bother to turn up the light. He pulled his chair close but out of view if anyone were watching the upstairs windows.
They ate the meat pies and sugared fruit Marla had cooked. To his surprise, Nell was quiet, only answering questions when he asked. He didn’t care; it was good to be alone with her. She said she enjoyed the swim more each time, and Harrison had figured out how he could pull the wagon within a few feet of the bank, so she didn’t have to walk much.
They fell silent as they nibbled on buttermilk pie. Jacob leaned back and reminded himself that no matter what, he wouldn’t get angry tonight. This might be their last time together for a while, and he wanted to enjoy every minute.
Finally, he decided to bring up a subject he’d been careful to avoid talking about all day. He couldn’t leave with something not clear between them. “I didn’t sleep with Pearlie in town,” he blurted out, telling himself he wasn’t apologizing, only stating a fact.
She grinned. “I know. I never thought you did.”
“But I was in her room all night. She and Dave carried me in when I was knocked out cold.”
“Jacob, we’re not married. I have no strings tied to you.” She held her head high like she did when she knew she was saying something that was the right thing to say. “You’re a free man.”
He shoved his empty plate aside. “That’s just it, Nell. I don’t feel like a free man. Most of the time I feel like we’re already married.” He’d never thought a lot about it, but since she’d come home from school grown, he’d never looked at another woman. He’d told himself he was too busy, but it was more than that. He might not admit it to himself, but he wanted her. Not just in his bed, but in his life. When she’d run to him that first time, looking all grown, he’d known, deep down inside, that he really was her ranger for as long as she wanted him to be.
He studied her and finally said what he felt. “I don’t want to leave you, Nell, not tonight, not ever. It doesn’t matter whether I go to Stockard’s place or halfway across the state, a part of me is always here with you.”
She looked away. “I know, but we don’t fit together. You’d hate staying here and running the ranges. I’d never be able to travel with you. There are so many things I’d never be able to do with you.”
He stood and walked to the door. “When I come back from the Stockard place, I’ll have to take Hank to Fort Worth and stay with him until the trial. I don’t know how long it will be until I get back.” Without saying a word, he closed the door and turned the lock. “One thing we can do, just for tonight. I’d like to hold you for a while before I have to leave. I’m not demanding you marry me or wait for me. I just don’t want to go the rest of my life without this time alone with you.”
Nell looked up at him, and even in the shadows of the room he could see her nod. “I’d like that, too.”
He picked her up and carried her to the bed. Before he lowered her, he kissed her cheek lightly and rubbed his nose against her hair. “I love the way you smell.”
“It’s soap.” She laughed as he lowered her atop the covers.
She watched him unbuckle his gun belt and pull off his boots. Her eyes were warm with need, but she didn’t say a word.
When he knelt on the bed above her, he almost abandoned his plan. How could he hold her tonight and not make her his? He’d be in hell and heaven at the same time. The longing to be near her had pounded through him all day as steady as a heartbeat, and now, here she was, all soft and beautiful.
He slid beside her, letting his body touch hers from shoulder to leg. “Are you cold?” he asked.
“No.” She cuddled closer.
He kissed her then as tenderly as he knew how. She felt so right in his arms, as if they’d both known forever that she’d find her way there eventu
ally.
His hand moved over her gown, barely brushing her, but memorizing her curves. Her hair was still damp from being freshly washed, her skin soft from the water.
For the first time, he knew here was home. Not the house, or the town, or even Texas. His home was beside Nell.
Rolling toward her, he let his chest rest lightly atop her, pressing her breasts against him. She felt so good, so right beneath him. He swore he felt her heartbeat match his own.
The kiss deepened, and the warmth of her body set him on fire. He touched her throat, then gently moved his hand down the front of her gown, parting the robe as he moved. She was perfection beneath the thin cotton gown.
Her fingers dug into his hair, pulling him closer, demanding he please her.
With a slow pleasure, he spread his hand across her tummy and lower. Touching her where he knew no man had ever touched her. Loving the way she moaned and pulled him closer. Loving that she wanted him as dearly as he desired her.
He rolled above her, pressing her into the bed, needing to feel her body beneath him.
Then, through the passion, he felt her struggle and break the kiss. A moment later, she cried out in pain.
Jacob rolled from her, shaken to the core as he watched her fight for breath enough to scream.
He’d hurt her. Oh, God, he’d hurt her!
He climbed off the bed and ran for the door, hearing her behind him as she tried not to cry out.
Mrs. O’Daniel was at the door when he unlocked it. She pushed him aside and rushed to Nell.
Jacob stood helpless as Mrs. O’Daniel leaned her head close to Nell and whispered, “Relax, dear. Just relax. You’ve had these pains before. You know they will pass.” As if Nell were a doll, Mrs. O’Daniel moved her, taking as much pressure off the small of Nell’s back as possible.
Nell calmed, crying softly, silently, as Mrs. O’Daniel whispered, “Would you like some of your medicine?”
Jacob glanced at the tiny bottle of opium he’d seen before.
“No,” Nell answered. “I can stand it.”
He felt bad that he’d once warned her about getting dependent on the drug. Until this moment he had no idea how terrible her hell could be. But this time, he felt the pain with her.
The pain and a loss deep inside him.
He’d caused it, he realized as he swore he’d never cause her to suffer so again. Even now, pale and curled on the bed, she was so beautiful. His body, his soul ached for her, but he knew he’d never touch her again.
Jacob grabbed his boots and gun belt and closed the door silently. For the hundredth, maybe the thousandth time, he wished he could take the pain for her. He would die for her. He would love her until his last breath. But, he would never touch her again.
CHAPTER 32
NELL CRIED SOFTLY LONG AFTER MRS. O’DANIEL SAID good night. The nurse asked her what happened, but Nell hadn’t answered. She couldn’t tell the nurse, or anyone. Mrs. O’Daniel finally decided the ranger must have turned Nell wrong when he’d tried to put her in bed. She offered to sit by Nell’s bed for a while, but Nell needed to be alone.
She knew Jacob wouldn’t be back. No tonight, maybe not ever. He’d blame himself for something they’d both started, both wanted. She wanted to tell him that the bullet left lodged along her spine had hurt her, not him, but he wouldn’t listen. He wouldn’t believe her.
She heard a horse outside her window and knew that somewhere in the darkness he was looking up, watching, longing for her. Then she heard him ride away into the night and knew he was gone. Her ranger had done the one thing he could never forgive himself for doing: he’d hurt her.
Tears fell silently, for Nell knew it was all her fault. If she’d kept her distance. If she’d have married another. If she’d told him from the first that she’d never accept his proposal. Then maybe he would have felt rejected, but he’d have gotten over it. He would have gone on with his life.
But now. Now he loved her and wanted her. She knew her memory would torture him the rest of his life. And the memory of how he touched her so gently would stay forever in the back of her mind. A promise of something she’d never have.
Wednesday slipped into her room. “Miss Nell, are you still awake?”
“I’m awake,” Nell whispered. “Is the ranger gone?”
“He’s gone,” Wednesday said. “I just wanted to check on you. Mrs. O’Daniel said you got hurt again. Was it a bad fall?” The girl took Nell’s hand.
“The worst yet,” Nell whispered knowing she might never recover.
“I’m so sorry,” Wednesday whispered. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“No.” Nell tried to smile but couldn’t manage it. “I’ll be better in the morning. Just help Mrs. O’Daniel out with Hank.”
“I’ll do that. And, Miss Nell, I want you to know that I love you.”
“I love you, too, Wednesday.”
The girl pulled the door as she backed out of the room, leaving Nell alone in the silence once more.
Nell closed her eyes, picturing Jacob riding through the night on his powerful horse. “I love you, too,” she whispered wishing her words would carry on the wind to him but knowing that he wouldn’t be listening.
CHAPTER 33
JACOB RODE WEST INTO THE NIGHT. WHEN HE reached the river, he followed the tree line, staying well into the shadows so no one could follow. He knew when the river turned, he’d have to leave the shadows along the bank and ride north onto old Stockard’s land. Part of him wanted to keep heading west and go straight into the bad-lands where no one had bothered to settle and law rarely ventured. He’d get lost there, maybe change his name. Start over.
After all, what was he leaving behind? A few dollars in the bank. A few clothes and guns in a trunk at Ranger headquarters. A few memories that would rip his gut wide open if he thought about them too much.
The night felt warm, but a chill moved over his heart. He couldn’t get Nell’s brown eyes filled with tears out of his mind. He wasn’t sure he ever would. When he’d realized he’d hurt her, his heart stopped.
Jacob tried to remember if he’d said he was sorry. No. He hadn’t said a word. He’d just stood there and stared as Mrs. O’Daniel tried to comfort her. Then he’d disappeared like a coward. He wouldn’t blame Nell for hating him. He hated himself.
The river bent south, and Jacob turned north across open country. Stars were out in full force, making the night bright, but he doubted anyone would see him riding so late. Though ranches bordered the Stockard place, none had homes that were close enough to see onto the property.
He avoided the rough road leading up to the house, knowing he’d leave far less sign in the buffalo grass and rocks he crossed. An hour later he reached the dugout where Stockard had lived.
Jacob walked around the boarded-up shack. It was bigger than most, and the sheriff had been right; Jacob could see a mile or more in every direction. He could understand why this would have been a good hideout for outlaws back in years past. In fact, Jacob had a strange feeling their ghosts were still near, or at least something was. He swore someone was watching him.
Jacob moved into the blackness of the roofline and froze, staring out at the land, waiting for something to move. If he had been followed, they’d get restless and make a shift in position soon.
Nothing moved.
He crossed to the other side of the house. An old well and a few fallen-down buildings left eerie shadows. One looked like it might have been a barn, the other maybe a tack shed. The skeleton of a corral was visible, but nothing more.
Jacob took a long breath and unpacked his bedroll. Along with a sack of food and coffee, Marla had put in a small lantern. Jacob lit it and tried to find the door of the dugout. He didn’t really think he wanted to sleep inside with the spiders and bugs, but he would like to look around before he turned in for the night.
The door was boarded up so that it looked more like one of the walls. It took him several tries and all his strength to pr
y enough boards loose to squeeze inside. The house was only one room. Most of the furniture seemed worthless or broken. A bed in one corner looked like it might have a village of insects living in it. There were tracks in the dirt floor.
Jacob bent down, holding the lantern low. Rabbit, possum, and skunk, he’d guess. And one more. Dog. The dog tracks were recent, not more than a few days old he’d guess. But, if there was a dog on the property, wouldn’t the animal have barked when a stranger rode up? Maybe the four-legged trespasser was wild and had just been passing through. If the dog had belonged to Stockard, it would have had to survive out here alone for three, maybe four years. Jacob doubted, even with the cabin for shelter, that a lone animal would make it through one winter much less three or four.
He followed the prints and found a hole big enough for an animal to pass through in one corner of the dugout. He went back outside and picked up the trail. It was hard to tell with only the small lantern’s light, but Jacob saw drops of what looked like dried blood mixed with the dog’s prints. Maybe the dog had caught a rabbit inside the house and carried it out. That seemed unlikely, for dogs hunted like wolves, who usually ate their prey where they killed it.
He followed the paw prints into the rocks where they disappeared on the rough ground. Only now and then, he saw spots of blood. To his surprise, they led to a small cave with a waist-high opening well hidden by brush. Jacob was about to decide to come back after daylight and explore, when he heard a low whimper.
He pulled his gun and slowly crawled into the opening, shoving the lantern ahead of him. The cave opened up to be almost as large as the dugout, with a ceiling too low for Jacob to stand upright. Old crates littered the floor. Jacob guessed this must have been a hiding place for supplies back years ago. If old Stockard opened his home to outlaws, like everyone seemed to think, maybe he wasn’t willing to share his store of food. With the cave so close to the house, he could easily get supplies when he needed them and still not share more then he wanted to.