“You ok?” I ask cautiously.
She stops on the footpath under the circle of the streetlight and stares at her feet.
“Maddy?”
I hear it then. A sigh so gentle it’s like a wispy summer breeze, so quiet you think you could be mistaken for hearing it. She’s crying.
“Oh Maddy.”
“I’m sorry,” she says, lifting her face. Tears on her cheeks reflect the yellow of the light and the anguish I see in her eyes rips my heart in two.
“What is it? What’s happened?” I step forward and pull her into my embrace, holding her as tight as I can; her head nestled under my chin. If I hold her tight enough maybe I can protect her from whatever it is that has caused her this much pain. “Is Bee ok?” I ask fearfully.
She nods into my chest, sniffing noisily. “Bee is fine.”
“Your mother?”
“She’s fine,” she says, but her voice turns bitter at the mention of her.
“I want to help you, if you’ll let me.”
“You can’t.” She pushes me away then, putting an arm’s length between us. “I wish you could.”
Whatever it is that has upset her she is reticent to talk about it. I’m at a loss, and I feel useless.
“You’re scaring me,” I say.
“Sorry. I shouldn’t have come here.”
“Of course you should. I’m here for you any time. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your calls.”
She shrugs. “It’s ok. You had a family thing going on.”
“Yeah. Family.” It’s my turn to sound bitter.
“Why do you let them talk to you like that?” she asks.
“Who?” I know full well who she means.
“You know who. Your father and your brother. They’re horrible. The way they treat you and your mother.”
It’s my turn to shrug. “It’s just the way they are.”
“Yeah, a right pair of assholes.”
“I’m not arguing.”
“So why don’t you stand up for yourself?”
“It’s complicated.”
She holds my gaze levelly for a moment and I try not to look as pathetic as I fear I must look in her eyes. “Let’s get out of here,” she says.
“Now?”
“Yes now.”
“And go where?”
“I don’t care. Anywhere.”
Does she mean run away for good? She sees me hesitate and senses my confusion.
“Just for the night,” she says. “I need to get away for the night.”
“Ok.” I nod. “Come on.”
When I turn the key in the ignition I have no plan, but instinct leads me to turn on the road to the beach. I don’t even need to think about it. She is silent for the whole journey, her face turned away, her forehead against the glass of the passenger window. I wonder if she is asleep. I hope she is.
We pull into the car park and I cut the engine, the headlights blinking off and plunging us into darkness. Immediately I hear the ocean and my breath exhales in one long breath. I’m home.
She hasn’t stirred so when her voice cuts through the dark a few minutes later I jump, startled.
“She lied,” she says quietly.
“Who?”
“My mother.”
“About what?”
She doesn’t answer though, instead I hear her pull the handle on her door and she is out of the truck in a moment, slamming it shut behind her. I follow, and catch up just as she reaches the beach. She walks fast, her path lit by the moon and the stars, her anger palpable.
“Maddy what’s going on, please tell me.”
She doesn’t stop at the water’s edge; instead she kicks off her shoes and plunges in. The breakers swirl their foamy tips around her knees and for a terrible moment I think she is going to just keep walking, out into the ocean and out of this life, but she stops.
“All my life my mother told me she didn’t know who my father was,” she says. “That he was some drunken guy that she had a quick shag with in a back alley. Today I found out that it’s all been a lie.”
I don’t know what to say so I wade out into the cold, familiar water and stand beside her, waiting for her to tell me.
“She said something last night, when she was drunk. It didn’t make any sense so this morning I had her up about it. It’s like keeping the secret for all these years has been building up inside her because she just caved straight away and it all came pouring out. She told me everything. He was her boss, years ago. He was married but they fell in love and had an affair.”
“Woah.”
She laughs bitterly. “My mother, god this is such a cliché. She actually believed he would leave his wife for her.”
“I take it he didn’t.”
She shakes her head. “No. He didn’t. My mother was pregnant with me when she found out his wife was also pregnant.”
“Shit.”
“Yeah. She gave him an ultimatum. He chose to stay with his wife.” She shrugs her shoulders. “She quit.”
“Does he know about you?”
“Yes. Apparently he doesn’t care though, because she said he’s never contacted her about meeting me, never sent a birthday card or any money towards my upbringing. The last she heard they moved to Australia. He obviously would prefer to believe that I don’t exist.”
“That’s his loss, not yours.” I understand her anger now. Why she turned up at my house drunk and why my family upset her so much.
“You’d think so, but it doesn’t feel that way.”
“You could always look him up and confront him?”
“No.” She shakes her head angrily. “No point. Why would I bother to look for someone who clearly wants nothing to do with me? He can go fuck himself.”
She turns to me, her eyes large in the moonlight. Her skin is luminescent. She is beautiful. “But you know what that’s like, don’t you,” she says softly. I almost don’t hear her over the water.
“What do you mean?”
“We both have fathers who couldn’t give a stuff about us.”
Her words hit home, but they confuse me. I always thought my father cared too much, which is why he inevitably ended up disappointed in me. Surely if he didn’t care my failings wouldn’t bother him? But maybe she’s right and it’s the opposite. I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll ever know.
She shudders, whether from the cold or her emotions I’m not sure, but I reach out and put my arms around her.
“Come on,” I say. “Let’s get you warm.”
I lead her by the hand up to the truck and open the tail gate so she can climb up onto the flat deck. The blankets from the last time we came are still onboard and I make a little nest with them for us to lie down on. We lay there, she in my arms with her head resting on my shoulder, listening to the sounds of the ocean and forest at night. They are like natures lullaby and I feel the tension leave my body. I don’t know what to say to make her feel better, I wish I did.
“Shooting star, make a wish,” she murmurs.
“You first.”
“Already done.”
I nuzzle my face into her hair. It smells like something fruity and sweet. “What did you wish for?”
“I can’t tell you or it won’t come true.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“I’m not willing to risk it.”
“Fair enough.”
“Look another one. Make a wish but don’t tell me.”
I watch the brilliant light streak across the sky and I know exactly what to wish for.
I wish that every night could be spent just like this, with the girl I love.
The star burns out to nothing.
Maddy
Surprisingly I sleep deeply and I wake, feeling happier than the night before, in Albert’s arms. This lasts about thirty seconds till I try and turn my head and the hangover hits like a hammer right between the eyes.
“Ugh,” I groan.
Albert stretches beside me and
wakes. “You ok?” he asks, his eyes still closed.
“If by ok you mean not feeling like my head is full of concrete and someone sandpapered my eyeballs, then yeah, I feel great.”
“Self inflicted so no sympathy,” he says, but he says it affectionately.
“I’ll remember that.”
I sit up, pulling a blanket around my shoulders. It’s a crisp morning. The sky is a gentle riot of colour, streaks of orange and pink and yellow.
Albert sits up suddenly. “Shit,” he says. “What time is it?”
I pull my phone out of my pocket and check. “Just after seven.”
He shakes the sleep away reluctantly. “We’d better get going soon. I have to be at work at eight thirty.”
“Call in sick.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes you can. I will too. We’ll stay here all day and you can surf.” I aim straight for his Achilles and watch, satisfied, as the torture of temptation contorts his face.
“So tempted,” he admits. “But I can’t afford to get fired. I need to save every penny I can if I’m going to move out of home.”
“You’re moving out of home?”
“Yeah it’s time. Well it’s past due actually. But I need to start moving forward with my life.”
“Where will you live?”
“That’s the tricky part. I’m still working on it.”
‘Oh.” I hug my knees and watch the colours fade away leaving a pale blue day in their place.
“Hey don’t worry.” He rubs a hand up and down my back. “Wherever I go there will always be room for you.”
I turn and look at him, studying his face to see if he means what I think he does. In this morning light he is even cuter than he’s ever looked before, with his hair all messy and wearing nothing but jeans and a thick cable knit jersey.
“No pressure,” he says. “I know you have commitments. But whenever you’re ready, I’ll be waiting.”
I’ve fallen in love with him. The realisation hits like an ocean wave; overwhelming and knocking me off my feet, plunging me down into depths I am unfamiliar with, leaving me breathless and feeling out of control.
“I don’t know what to say,” I whisper quietly.
He circles his arms around me, pulling me in close. “It’s ok, I understand.”
And he does, I’m sure of it. He’s the first person in my life who has understood. All the friends I lost when I couldn’t go to their house and play because I had to help look after my sister. The teachers who gave me bad marks on tests, assuming I didn’t care enough to study, instead of understanding that I had been up half the night with a sister who didn’t sleep or who’d had an epileptic fit. So many people in my life who didn’t try and understand, and here was Albert who in just a few months understood me completely.
I twist around to kiss him, desperate to be as close to him as I can, and we make love on the back of his truck. It feels like all my wishes have come true.
Afterwards we drive back to town and he drops me outside my house.
“Come around for dinner tonight?” I ask him, leaning in through the driver’s window to steal a few more kisses.
“Yeah ok, sounds good.”
I kiss him until he breaks away, laughing. “As much as I’d love nothing more than to spend the entire day kissing you, I have to go.”
“It’s ok. I think my lips could do with a break anyway.”
His face turns serious. “Are you going to be ok? With your mother? You know, after yesterday’s news.”
“I’ll be fine. I’ve got work. She’s bringing Bee in for her riding lesson later. Please don’t say anything about what I told you.”
“Of course not.”
“Thanks.”
“Call me if you need to ok? I promise I’ll answer this time.”
I kiss him one last time and watch as he drives down the street and turns the corner. I miss him already.
Albert
“Jesus you look rough, and that’s saying something because you always look pretty shit,” Matt says when I get to work. He’s standing under an oak tree out front, sneaking a last cigarette before we’re called into our compulsory monthly staff meeting. The other guys are all standing around, avoiding eye contact, looking a bit like the walking dead from a zombie movie.
“Thanks.”
“Not a compliment.”
“Don’t care.”
He eyes me suspiciously. “What’s up with you?”
“Nothing.” I take my jersey off and hang it on a hook, pulling a green apron off the stand by the door. We’re supposed to wear them to distinguish ourselves as staff to any guests, but usually we tend to ‘forget’ about it. Not today. Not anymore. I meant what I said to Maddy. This job is no longer just somewhere to go every day. It’s the means to an end. My ticket away from my father. From now on as far as I’m concerned it’s head down, bum up. I plan on being the most diligent employee Francine has.
“Yes there is. Something’s different.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He looks me up and down, trying to figure it out. “Are you, happy?”
“As a box of kittens.”
“A box of kittens isn’t happy. The only reason you’ll find kittens in a box is because someone’s about to throw them off a bridge.”
“Oh. Fuck that’s depressing.”
He shrugs. “Depends if you’re the kitten or the thrower.”
“I don’t even want to know if you’re speaking from experience.”
“We’re not talking about me anyway. So what gives?”
‘Nothing.”
“Don’t give me that. It’s that girl isn’t it? The one from the photo desk? You finally shagged her.”
“Shut up.”
“I knew it. What was it like?”
“Seriously, shut up Matt. I’m not telling you anything.”
“So there is something to tell.” He grins dirtily and I feel like smacking him because he’s trying to cheapen what Maddy and I have. Lucky for him we’re interrupted by Deborah opening the front door and glaring at us all.
“Meeting time,” she announces. “Try not to touch more than you have to.”
We file into the meeting room and listen while Francine rattles off the usual business. Numbers are up but could be better. Don’t park on the grass because the rain is turning it to sludge. A reminder that we are a ‘non smoking premises’, so please refrain from sparking up until you have left at the end of the day. She looks directly at Matt when she says it and he pulls his best ‘who me?’ face.
She finishes up and I’m almost out the door when I hear her call my name, asking me to wait back so she can speak to me. Instantly of course I assume I’ve done something wrong.
Matt gives me a pitying look. “Nice working with you,” he says.
I decide if Francine is going to fire me I will throw him and his filthy smoking under the bus, no hesitation. It’s every man for himself. A nervous minute passes until finally everyone is gone and she tells me to sit.
“Please don’t fire me,” I blurt out.
She looks surprised.
“I’m not firing you,” she says. “What made you think I am?”
“No reason in particular.”
“Well anyway, I wanted to see what you thought about doing some training. I’ve had good feedback about you, from both the coaches and our clients. They’re impressed.”
“Training?”
“We think your abilities aren’t being fully utilised. How would you feel about working your way up to becoming a coach? You’d start as a sidewalker, then leader. If you enjoy that we can train you to become a therapist, working directly with the rider to work out goals and strategies. After that there is the opportunity to become a coach and plan and organise the sessions. It’s completely up to you how far you’d like to take it, but we feel you have an empathy for the horses and the riders that would be better served working with them directly.”
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“Seriously?”
“Yes.”
“What would I have to do?”
“We would provide the onsite teaching. You would need to sit some papers and attend some courses but it’s nothing I don’t think you can’t handle. Quite the opposite.”
I sit there, looking a bit gormless I’m sure, trying to think of something to say. It’s the first time I can remember someone telling me I am good at something. That I could be even better, that they believe in me. It’s an unfamiliar feeling.
“Do you really think I could do it?” I ask.
“Yes.”
“Then hell yes, please, where do I sign?”
I leave the office beaming, I can’t help it. Everything is falling into place. I have Maddy and now I’ve just been offered an opportunity to take something I really enjoy and go even further with it. Not only that, but people actually think I’m good at something.
“Albert,” Helen, one of the riding coaches calls. “Could you help me out for a minute?”
I follow her into the barn and see Bee and her mother waiting. She looks at me warily, and I can guess that’s she’s trying to figure out how much Maddy has told me.
“Hi,” I say, trying to look as if I know nothing.
“Hi Albert. Bee, say Hi Albert.”
“Bee say Hi Albert.”
“Francine has asked us to give you a little experience of what being a coach entails,” Helen says. “So I was wondering if you would like to be Bee’s sidewalker for this session.”
“I’d love to, but I’m not exactly sure what to do.”
She shrugs. “You’ve watched some classes. See what you can remember and I’ll help you fill in the rest. Every child is different anyway so we try and tailor it to their individual needs. You’ll get to know them better the more you work with them. For example, Bee here prefers to ride outside, don’t you Bee.”
“Hello said Bump, Hello said the stranger,” says Bee.
“Where’s Teddy,” I ask Helen, as she leads over Pegasus, one of our newer horses.
“He’s not well, Francine’s called the vet to come check him over.” She stops beside the mounting block Bee will use to climb onto his back. “Hopefully it’s just a cold but we always play it safe with the older horses. Up you get Bee.”
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