by CJ Ellisson
“What?” he said, blinking. “Did you say something?”
“I said, we can deal with this part of you.”
He narrowed his eyes and glared at her. “What does it matter whether you can deal with me or not? I’m your leader. You wouldn’t even exist if the ka’kriyayaga and I didn’t exist.”
She pursed her lips and tried again. “You tend to isolate when she’s on Earth. I…I wonder if that’s because you don’t want us to witness what you go through.”
Kayden’s eyes formed slits. “What I do or don’t do is none of your business. I prefer privacy when she’s away.”
“Yes, but we all suffer, ka!” Alpha’s temper flared.
“And why is that?” he asked, his eyebrow arched.
“We’re all connected, you know. We feel when you’re like this. We don’t know what’s going on with you, since you’ve never allowed anyone to witness this.”
“So now you’ve seen it. Inform the others so they can get on with their lives.” He flicked his fingers at her like shaking water off his fingers. His glanced at her face and his demeanor softened slightly. “What you’re describing, Alpha, sounds like some sort of co-dependency. Surely we’ve evolved enough to allow space for one or the other of us to experience something. That’s part of why the ka chose to incarnate as an Earth bound being to begin with. But this…” he pointed to his heart. “And this…” He gestured to the flickering images projected along the wall. “Is different…. We are one, and not in the way humans profess. We cannot exist without the other. I suppose her willingness to experience the gamut of human suffering is her way of allowing me to experience it, too. Frankly, I’d do fine if she never went back. It’s torture to experience this kind of pain. But because I love her, well….” He waved his hand as if he’d explained everything. He grew thoughtful for a moment. “I love her so deeply I allow her to suffer so profoundly. I am nothing if not generous.”
Alpha nodded. “You are, my lord, you are indeed.”
“I only wish my generosity didn’t hurt so much.” With that, the room disappeared and he and Alpha once more, floated in space.
Chapter Twelve
Cam leapt into his car, fired it up, and sped toward Duke’s Tavern. I’ve got to explain. She’ll be mad but she’ll understand, I know she will. So she hadn’t answered the phone. Who could blame her? Fury kicked his insides thinking how Britt had tried to kiss him.
At Duke’s, he yanked open the bar doors in an “everyone’s about to die,” True Blood vampire maneuver and bolted inside. Light from the street lamp spilled into the room, making the people at the counter squint.
“Have you seen a woman about yay tall, red hair, really slender and beautiful?” he asked, leaning against the railing, trying to catch his breath.
The bartender polished the gleaming wooden countertop with a white towel. “Nope. Can’t say I have. I’d notice someone matching the description.”
“Thanks, man. If you do see her, tell her Cam is looking for her and he can explain.”
“Roger that,” the guy said chuckling. “Cam stood you up and I’m here to console you. Did I get the message right?”
Cam flipped the guy off and zipped outside. He ran up the street, searching for her. When his legs were in a serious state of fatigue, he dropped his hands to his knees and sucked air hungrily into his lungs.
“Where’s the fire, Tyson?”
He lifted his head to see his good friend Mano striding toward him. Mano stood as big as a redwood. A New Zealand/Native American/European mutt, six-foot-five, 240 pound guy inked in traditional ta moko, sacred Maori designs from head to toe. He and Cam had been friends since high school.
“This girl,” Cam, said, panting. “I had a date to meet this girl tonight.”
“Yeah, so,” Mano replied. “What’s new?” He chewed on a toothpick, eying Cam thoughtfully.
“Yeah, so, I just met her, I really felt a connection to her and Britt found me and tried to kiss me as she drove by.”
“Harsh,” Mano commented. “Did this new chick see you?”
“I think so.” Still breathing hard, Cam stood. “She wasn’t where we were supposed to meet and she isn’t picking up the phone or responding to any of my texts.”
“So maybe it’s a big nothing.” Mano moved the toothpick in his mouth to the other side.
“It seemed like a hell of a something to me.”
“Then, she’ll come around. Destiny is destiny.” Mano, a spiritual warrior and spirit tracker, had trained with elders since his teens. He always spouted stuff like this.
“I dunno, man,” Cam replied. “I think I blew it. I told you I wanted something different.”
Mano folded his arms. “You did that, true. So maybe she’s not the one. Maybe she is. Maybe it’s a timing thing.”
“Or maybe it’s a never supposed to be thing. Damn. Britt’s a nightmare. I wish I’d never met her.”
“Sometimes you gotta watch where you park the Mercedes,” Mano said, a droll smile curving along his hard face.
“Hey, now. This is pure tricked out Mustang fury,” Cam said. His eyes flicked to his hips.
Mano laughed. “Walk with me a bit. Where’s your car?”
“Over there.” Cam pointed at the street.
The pair took a few steps along the sidewalk, Cam still heaving, Mano in relaxed silence.
“Still chasing demons, huh?”
“What are you talking about? I told you, Britt spoiled everything.”
“Uh huh.” For being such a big man, Mano could walk like a wildcat, padding along the sidewalk like a spirit. “What’s in your pocket?”
Cam patted his pocket absentmindedly. “Oh. Those. I slipped.”
“I hear you,” Mano said. “We all do it. I do it. You do it. I’ve known you a long time, my man.”
“Since back in the day.”
“True that. We’ve had some good times. We’ve had some rough times.”
Cam nodded. He wondered where this conversation headed. Mano and his spiritual bullshit. “What’s your point? Say it, will you? I’ve got to find this girl and explain.”
“Nah. You’ve got to find where you parked your heart. It’s around here somewhere.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about you, brother. Your demons. The ghouls living inside you who don’t let you love. You started smoking again. You cracked the door to your addictions. If I know you - and I’m pretty sure I do - you’re really, really scared about something. I think we both know what that is.”
Cam started working his jaw from side to side. He reached for the pack of smokes, then, let his hand drop.
“I don’t give a rat’s ass whether or not you smoke, Cam. You hear me?”
“Yeah, I hear you,” Cam said. His voice sounded hollow, like he wandered through a dark, empty alley.
“I don’t care if you start with the drugs again, screw yourself stupid with sixteen girls, or drop out of college. You go there and I leave you alone to dig your own grave. I tell the spirits, ‘Sorry, we lost this one. Maybe next time.’ What I do care about is who you’re becoming.”
“And who’s that?”
“You’re becoming a stand up man, Cam. A real man. Not many men choose to go there, not really. I see the signs of a warrior in you.”
“You know I don’t believe the same way you do, right?” Still, a surge of prided rocked into his belly, like Mano had stoked his furnace, stirring the flames alive.
“I hear that. We all follow our own destiny. But yours is great. It’s a big one. I’ve seen you, man. I’ve sat in circles with my elders, the Peyote Grandfather at my back, and I’ve seen you floating by.”
Cam’s brow wrinkled in confusion. “Floating by?”
“Your spirit. Your essence. Your soul. It’s as if you wanted to check in with me. You’re a warrior, bro. You’re on a righteous path. You made a vow to me, do you remember?”
“Yeah, I remember.”
The words leaked out of his throat like water pushing through a rusty pipe. “Britt wouldn’t leave me alone. It pissed me the fuck off. You took me into the deep woods and we shared your prayer pipe.”
“And what did you pray for?”
“Clarity. The power to commit. The power to love.” The words and the memory of that night stilled him. They filled him with peace. “I’ve been so busy with school, I forgot all about that night.”
“You can’t let your upbringing define you, Cam. Sure, you had a brutal childhood, but you’re going to rise up and reshape it. You took the first step to extract yourself when you stood up to your father, black-eyed the guy and got outta there. That’s the easy part. These demons you’re wrestling with? Those are the real sons of bitches.”
Cam smirked. “Why do you always know the right thing to say?”
“It’s not me. It’s spirit. Spirit guides me in moments like this. I had no reason to come to this neighborhood tonight. I got in my car and decided to take a drive. The drive led me here. I got out and walked about. We met. What can I say?”
“You don’t have to say anything. You already did. I’ll say thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Here’s my car.”
Mano nodded, his tattoos seeming to writhe in the streetlight shadows of his face. “I’ll catch you later.”
“Yeah, later. I think I’ll head home and make a new plan. I’ve got to see Chérie again.”
Mano nodded once more, man-hugged Cam and padded away from him, as quiet as a lynx.
Chapter Thirteen
Chérie had isolated herself since she’d let Jeff fuck her. Asshole. Teach. Eat. Sleep. Teach. But who’s the real idiot? Me. She sat at the dining table, picking at a sandwich. Outside the huge window, the branches of the elm tree dipped in a breeze. Chérie wished the breeze would blow away her anguish.
Quiet down, I’m digesting. Mac sat curled into a prim little ball at her feet.
Let her be. She’s upset. Jack trotted in with a toy in his mouth. He batted it around, dropped it and raced away.
Her phone’s ring tone sounded and she ignored it, the way she’d been ignoring it for days. She set the plate on the floor. “Here, kitty, digest some more. There’s turkey in there.” She got up, listlessly, snatched her keys off the table and dragged her feet as she headed outside.
Please stop this.
“Oh, boy. The voices are back.” She headed toward her beat up red and black VW. She stopped and gazed at the yard. It always made her happy. The huge elm held court in the front yard, towering above flowers and grass. A field bordered the lawn, leading to the street below. Forests flanked both sides of the property, giving her a sense of privacy and seclusion, even though she could drive to town in about fifteen minutes. Hers was one of the last remaining properties without subdivisions.
She turned to look at the house her uncle had bequeathed her. She loved the house. A little run-down, it always looked beautiful, safe, welcoming. And lonely. I wish I had someone to love.
Then let love in. Remember who you are.
Leave me alone. “Voices? Really? It’s not enough to have been raised with alcoholism and complete dysfunction. Now I hear voices?”
I’m more than a voice.
What, so you’re a delusion? Is there a distinction here? The voice vanished. “Ha. When you name something, you take away its power.” Her uncle told her witty things like that.
She traipsed to the car and slid in. Behind her, a car raced up the driveway. “What now?”
The silver BMW slammed the brakes in time to keep from ramming into her Volkswagen. Zuri leapt from the driver’s side and stormed out of the car. “Get out of the car, Chérie. Now!”
“I have to get to work. I’m going to be late.”
“You’re going to be more than dead if you don’t get out of the car right now.”
“Geez, all right, okay.” She pulled the door handle and stepped out. “What’s your problem?”
“You. You’re my problem. You haven’t picked up any of my phone calls, you haven’t returned my texts. What’s wrong? What have you done?”
“What do you mean, what have I done? I haven’t done anything.” I leaned against the car.
“You’ve done something to isolate this way. We’ve been friends a long time. This is all too familiar to me.”
Chérie scrutinized her friend. Zuri wore a low cut blouse, and a hip hugging skirt. Sexy as usual. Prettier than me. Her abundant mahogany hair hung loose around her shoulders. Her eyes stared fiercely at Chérie. Chérie pictured steam coming from her friend’s ears. “I didn’t want to tell you.”
“Which means, now you have to tell me. Didn’t is past tense.”
Chérie’s face flushed. She stared at her feet. “I don’t like it when you’re mad at me.”
“I don’t like it when you cut me off.”
“Fair enough.”
Zuri’s voice grew gentle. “Please tell me what’s wrong. I care about you. You know I do. I hate to see you suffer.”
Hear, hear, the voice in her head agreed. I second that.
“I…remember when I called you and told you I wanted to head home the other night?”
Zuri cocked her head. “Go on….”
“I went to Jeff’s.”
“Oh, honey, no.” Zuri threw back her head and groaned. “And he did the usual, didn’t he?”
“Worse than ever. His girlfriend called while he climaxed in me. He actually finished and answered the phone.” Tears pricked her eyes.
“Oh, Chérie!” Zuri’s eyes filled, too. “No, baby, no. What did you do?”
“Oh, I pushed him off, got dressed, left. All the while he consoled his girlfriend, oblivious of me.” The tears dripped in earnest, slicking her cheeks. “And I’ve been numb ever since. I’m a zombie.”
Zuri enveloped her in a huge, loving hug. “Oh, honey, don’t say those kinds of things. You’re so much better than this.”
Chérie sobbed into her friend’s shoulder. Finally, she pushed away. “You’re a good friend to me, Zuri.”
“Damn straight I am. Someone’s got to watch out for you until you get a clue. Honestly.”
Chérie looked shyly at Zuri. “Oh, I’ve got someone watching out for me.”
“And who might that be?” Zuri dug in her pocket and fished out a tissue. She dabbed at Chérie’s face before handing it to her.
“I think I’ve got an angel.” She almost imagined a groan echoing in her mind.
“Tell me more.”
“I keep hearing this voice telling me to wake up, remember who I am.”
“And do you listen?”
“I haven’t been.”
“Don’t you think it’s time you started?”
“How do I do that?”
“By never seeing Jeff - any kind of Jeff, again. I’ve a mind to head to his house and pummel him myself.”
Chérie laughed. “I’d like to see that.”
“I would, too. I could take him, I know I could.”
“I’m sure you could.”
“But really, Chérie. Will you stop with the self-abuse? What happened with the guy you were excited about?”
“Oh, I haven’t answered any of his calls or texts, same as with you.”
Zuri rolled her eyes. “I’d hate to think you were giving special treatment to your best friend. Why don’t you give him a call?”
“No! It’s too late for that. I blew that one.” She wiped her eyes. “But I promise. No more Jeffs. I swear to you. I’m done with that. It was humiliating.”
“Good. I’m going to hold you to that, Chér, honest to God. If you even think of Jeff, I’ll come over and beat you with one of my whips!”
Chérie chuckled. “No, thanks. But thanks for coming over. I always feel safe around you - safe enough to cry. I feel better now.”
“Good. And I feel better knowing you’re alive. Honestly, Chérie, if you’re going to isolate like that, at least
let me know you’re alive. I feared finding you dead up here, your cats howling in grief…I’ve been worried sick.”
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to torture you.”
“And yet you did. Please, please, please don’t do that again. Please be good to yourself.” Zuri’s eyes grew teary again.
Chérie almost had to look away. Watching her friend cry about something stupid she had done made her even more ashamed. “I will, Zuri. I promise. I’ll be good to myself. I’ve got an angel watching over me, after all.”
Chapter Fourteen
“You seem happier today,” Beth, one of Chérie’s students, said as Chérie entered the gym.
Chérie glanced at the wall to wall mirrors, noting the reflection of her and Beth. “A bit, yes. I got something off my chest with a good friend.”
“Friends are wonderful. I’m glad to hear that. You’ve been mopey lately.”
“That obvious, huh?” Chérie made her way to the front of the room, and popped her iPod into the docking station.
“Afraid so. You’ve been making us work harder than usual.” She winked.
“Are you complaining?” Chérie asked, adjusting her headset.
“Not on your life. We count on you for that. But we like when you’re happy.”
“Thanks, Beth.” Other students spilled into the room, filling it to capacity. She welcomed them and began the warm ups. “Stretch left, nice and easy. That’s it. This is the easiest it’s going to be today. Plyometrics is next. You know the drill. Okay, now, let’s do an easy march in place. Right, left, right, left.” As she droned on, the back door opened and another student slipped in. She couldn’t see the student’s face through all the bodies in front of her.
She liked to start her classes on time. “You, in the back. Class already started. You’re late.”
“I sure hope not.”
The male voice sizzled in her ears. She kept moving but became completely tongue-tied. A few of her students swiveled around. Female voices giggled.