by Candis Vargo
Then I saw myself.
I tried to see the woman I once was. The one with the bright green eyes that everyone said could light up a room and the smile that was contagious…but I didn’t see any of that. No…instead, I saw someone that I didn’t recognize. The woman in the mirror looked like someone who was already dead. The way my eyes were circled in darkness and my cheeks were hollowing…my mom always used to say I was too skinny. I can only imagine what she thought now. The skin around my collarbones sank in and my shoulders practically bulged out of my skin. My legs were like toothpicks, which made my knees look abnormally large.
Each day I was growing weaker. But each day, Amelia Rose was growing stronger. So I looked back at my belly and smiled, trying to pay no attention to the stranger in the mirror.
After my shower, I put on my plaid pajamas and tightened the string as far as it would go and threw on an old, baggy tee shirt to go with it. I wanted my clothes to show my belly, not my bones.
Anyway, we had this new thing where when I needed to go up or down the stairs I either had to call out for someone to walk with me or text them. I took to yelling most of the time since I usually left my cell phone in whatever room I’d been in. So I yelled for Joel but my mom came, not that I was complaining. She was leaving soon and I wanted as much time with everyone as I could get. But when we got to the bottom of the stairs, Ryan came up behind me with my wheelchair and I knew something was strange about that. I knew they had something else planned and I groaned, anticipating whatever they had in store for me.
Ryan wheeled me out the back door and onto the patio where music was playing on Joel’s cell phone. White Christmas lights were hung in the oak tree in the back yard and small lanterns were hanging down from it. Ryan pushed me out to the tree where Joel stood. Joel took my hand and helped me stand up as Ryan moved the chair out from behind me.
The music grew louder and the song started over. I turned to see who had done that and found Alicia, Beth, and my parents standing on the patio. Joel wrapped his arm around my waist and started dancing with me. He was dancing with me like he had every other time, only this time he had to support me more, but he didn’t seem to mind.
“What’s the occasion?” I asked, wondering if I forgot a special occasion or something.
“You’re beautiful,” he smiled.
“That’s not an occasion…”
“It is now.”
I didn’t feel beautiful. I don’t know how he saw me as beautiful still, but he kept saying he did. He told me I was beautiful at least once every day without fail and I tried to believe it, I really did. Maybe it was because I was in pajamas and slippers, but I couldn’t see how he saw me as beautiful…
I leaned my head on his chest as we danced, slowly spinning around underneath that old oak tree. I closed my eyes, listening to the music, letting myself get lost in it. When I opened my eyes again I saw some of our neighbors out on their back patios. Husbands and wives were standing together, leaning on each other, as they watched us dance. Joel placed our hands on my belly, and it was like we were dancing with our Amelia Rose. I closed my eyes again, imagining that she was already here and in our arms, smiling as she danced with her mommy and daddy.
I don’t know if it was pregnancy hormones or what, but I found it strange how I could go from feeling like I did earlier in the day…like I had control over everything and I was okay with it, that I was ready for it—to what I was feeling while I was dancing with Joel.
That’s when I began to cry.
You know the kind of cry I talked about earlier that Joel had done in the kitchen when he told Ryan that I was sick? Well, this one was like that and then some.
I felt broken…so broken that I could physically feel it. It was a sadness that consumed my entire being…
You know that feeling you get when your first love breaks up with you? That soul crushing feeling where your heart feels like it was literally ripped apart and your stomach hurts? It was like that, only ten times worse.
I looked up at Joel with tears filling my eyes. I don’t remember if I had said these words out loud before and that’s because they were the hardest words to say - it was the hardest part of everything that I was going through.
“I don’t want to die,” I choked out. “I don’t want to go. I want to stay here and raise our baby girl and be a family. I want to teach her stuff and watch her grow. I want to be her mommy and I want to hear her call me mama for the first time. Why can’t I? I don’t understand why I can’t, why I don’t get to do those things.”
I really didn’t understand, and I don’t think anyone ever will. Some people don’t want their babies, they don’t want to be a mom, but I did. I always did. I knew that there were people out there that had kids and abused them but they got to be parents. How was that fair? How could life be so cruel to put me in the situation I was in, but yet allow kids to have parents that didn’t love them?
I nearly fell to my knees but Joel caught me. He knelt down on the ground with me as I sobbed into his chest. I could tell he was crying too because his chest was trembling at a rhythm that didn’t match mine. He must have signaled for someone to bring the oxygen to me because before I knew it he was strapping the tubes around my ears and into my nose. It was a good thing, too, because I was crying so hard that I was having a hard time catching my breath.
Just then, it started to rain. It wasn’t the kind of rain that started off as a sprinkle…it was the kind that came out of nowhere and started to pour on you. It was like it was a sign that there really was something more out there…I stopped crying and said, “One last dance in the rain?”
Though his tears were hidden within the rain on his face, it couldn’t hide the redness in his eyes. He smiled and placed both hands on my cheeks as he looked deep into my eyes. Love and passion poured out of his soul. “You are one incredible woman,
Cara.”
He agreed, but only for a minute because he didn’t want me to catch a cold. I knew I’d never be able to dance with him in the rain again, so instead of being sad, I smiled through it. I closed my eyes and let the droplets of rain fall on me. It was refreshing, really. It felt like the rain was washing away the pain and sorrow that I held inside of me and leaving me bare to the world, ready to give it my all in this onesided battle against cancer.
When we went back inside, I knew what I wanted to record for Amelia this time. Joel insisted I dry off first. It would be easy for me to get pneumonia in my condition, so I agreed. Joel helped me get out of my wet clothes and into some dry ones before I patted my hair down with a towel so it wasn’t dripping all over my dry shirt. After that I was able to go make my video:
“Amelia…your engagement day…well, where do I begin? First of all, congratulations! I’m so happy for you, sweetie. It’s an amazing thing when you get engaged. Such a wonderful feeling. But what kind of video would this be if I didn’t try to give some advice?
“Today was a tough day for me. I will spare you the details, but it was a rough one. Now, as you can see, my hair is soaking wet, all in thanks to your dad. See, he took my emotions and turned them around. He made me smile and had me live in the moment. I’m sure he’s told you about our dance in the rain, and if he hasn’t, ask him about it. It’s okay.
“What I’m saying is, make sure your man is somebody who will dance in the rain with you. Not just literally, but figuratively as well. Make sure he will weather your storms and stand by your side through it all. I pray you’ll have the love I have had with your father, that you will be strong enough to stand with each other through the good times and the bad because believe me, there will be bad times. But don’t let the bad times sour the good. You can’t control everything. Even though you can try, it won’t always happen.
“So, go outside and dance in that rain with him and always stand by each other’s side, no matter how hard it’s raining down on you. Make sure your love is strong enough that no storm can tear it apart. I hope you are truly happy baby
girl. And one more thing, never let any storm dim your light. Remember that you can shine right on through that rain. I wish you both the best. If he has your love, then sweetie, he has mine.
I love you.”
CHAPTER EIGHT
The next afternoon I had another appointment with Dr. Lynn. Joel tried to get off of work for every appointment I had, but he wasn’t able to get that day off because of some big meeting the company was having. He worked for a Natural Gas company, and they were pretty lenient and generous about giving him the time off that he needed, especially since the company was small and everyone was so close knit, but he had a meeting with possible investors, so it was completely understandable.
Besides, I was sure Alicia, Beth, and my mom would all want to come with me. I wasn’t getting an ultrasound this time, but my mom never wanted to miss the sound of the heartbeat, and she was leaving later in the evening, and so was Alicia.
The appointment started off simple enough. It was the usual talk about my symptoms and showing Dr. Lynn my newest bruises, though I still had several of the same ones from months ago…
Anyway, all of my symptoms were really the same, just worse than they were a few months ago. There were times when I felt so weak that I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I felt like I couldn’t be a wife anymore, at least not the wife that I was. I couldn’t clean or do dishes, and I sure as heck couldn’t tell you the last time I was able to do a load of laundry. I never wanted Joel to have to do that stuff himself because he worked so damn hard at his job, but on the bright side, there were some cute memories that were made. He wasn’t too bad when it came to washing the laundry and putting it in the dryer, but when he tried to hang them up to dry instead…well, that wasn’t as bad as his folding skills, to say the least.
Oh, and he learned the hard way that if he runs out of tablets for the dishwasher and has to use dish soap, which he shouldn’t use
more than a few drops…
But, back to the appointment…
Amelia’s heart was as strong as ever, but mine wasn’t. With everything that was going on with me, Dr. Lynn told me that I needed to be on bed rest.
Seriously? Like oxygen and a wheelchair wasn’t enough?
I tried to argue, mostly because that’s what I do, but that’s when she used the pregnancy card against me. She said if I wanted Amelia to stay in me long enough so that she was healthy and able to breathe on her own when she was born, that I needed to spend more time in bed. I was about to hit my third trimester, so I had, at most, three more months to go.
Dr. Lynn tried to get me to take some medicine for depression. As if having cancer wasn’t depressing enough but having to be on bed rest and knowing what’s inevitable would push anyone over the edge. But I had my faith, and I had my spirit. I also had my family, so I declined. She did, however, give me medicine to try and help me keep my food down. I figured, what the heck? It was worth a shot.
I also needed to start coming in every week for my appointments and was told that by the end of my pregnancy, I would most likely be hospitalized, especially if any of my symptoms got worse. I kind of figured that would happen sooner or later but I was going to spend as much time living at home as I could.
My mom and dad did a lot of talking when we got back home. When Joel got home, they finally let me know what they were discussing and it was a good thing I was laying down for the blow.
“I quit my job,” my dad blurted out.
“You what?” I snapped. I tried to sit up, but my mom gently pushed me back down.
“I quit,” he stated. “And I don’t regret my decision one bit. Call it an early
retirement, if you will.”
“Dad! Why would you do that?”
“Well, you’re stuck in bed so it’s not like you can do much and Joel has to work…you need someone here for you, and it’s better it be family than someone you pay. They don’t treat you worth a crap.”
“And I want to be here when my granddaughter is born,” my mom added.
Joel placed both of his hands around mine and leaned his head on them like he was praying and I knew what he was thinking. He hated the fact that he had to work and couldn’t be there for me all the time, but my dad was right, he did need to. It wasn’t just because of the house payment; we had a daughter coming into this world, and he needed a job to be able to provide for her. I understood that and didn’t hold it against him for a second. In fact, I would have held it against him if he didn’t keep the job.
“You’re right,” Joel said as he looked up at my dad. “Thank you.”
My dad walked over and placed his hand on Joel’s shoulder. “There’s no need to thank me, son. We’re family, and we’re in this together.”
That’s when Joel let it out in front of me. He leaned his head down on the bed and began crying. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew that when he cried it was best just to let him and not say anything. So I placed my hand on his head while my dad kept his hand on his shoulder. I fought back my own tears; I didn’t want him to see me hurting right now too.
“I want to be home with you,” he cried. “I want to spend all my time with you, not at work. I don’t want to leave you…”
I threw my head back on my pillow, and a single tear slid down my face before I stopped any more from falling. I looked up at the ceiling and did my best to clear my eyes.
“But if you were with me all day every day, I’d end up killing you in a month’s time,” I tried to joke. It wasn’t a good one, but it earned me a snicker from Joel.
My mom and dad left the room, leaving Joel and me alone for a while but we didn’t talk. We lay down together, and Joel curled up on me. He had an arm wrapped around our baby, and his head lay on my chest. I’m not sure how long we lay in silence like that, but we both fell asleep for a few hours. When we woke back up, Joel excused himself to the bathroom, and I realized it was only two hours until Alicia had to leave to catch her flight back to New York.
Alicia brought me some soup, and she handed it to me on this cute little tray that doubled as a stand. It had legs that sat on both sides of me and was high enough that I could eat without worrying about spilling everything all over the blankets.
“Where’d this come from?” I asked.
“Thrift store special,” she winked at me, and I laughed.
“Those are the best kinds…”
“Yeah.” Alicia sat on the bed and looked at me with sadness in her eyes.
I knew what was coming…thought I didn’t want to deal with it, I knew I didn’t have a choice. The time had come to say goodbye, and I couldn’t even go to the airport with her…
I tried not to think about it while I ate my soup. I just wanted to sit there and enjoy my last moments with her…and she made some delicious soup. When there was nothing but liquid left in my bowl, I picked it up and drank the last of the soup out of it. Joel came back from using the bathroom and raised a brow at me. I usually didn’t drink out of bowls like that…but like I said, her soup was good. I moved the bowl away from my face and smiled at him, and he laughed at me.
“What?” my smile grew as I wondered what in the world he was laughing at.
“You’re cute,” he said. “You have it hanging off of your lip, and you’re too cute.”
I wiped my mouth, and there was a piece of an onion that came off my lip. How did I not feel it?
Instantly my mind went back to the moments when Joel had grown his beard out to try and feel more masculine… every time he ate something I would literally have to wipe his mouth for him because something would end up in his mustache or his beard. It never failed.
I shrugged my shoulders at him and said, “It’s really good…”
“You’re adorable,” he smiled. “Alicia, your cab is here.”
A heaviness came out of nowhere and consumed the bedroom. This was it. It was time for us to say goodbye…
Joel moved the tray and bowl over to the nightstand, and Alicia hugged me. It was
n’t a normal ‘I’ll see you soon’ kind of hug, because we both knew that wasn’t the case. It was the ‘I’m going to miss you’ kind of hug. The one no one ever wanted to give or receive.
“No tears,” she said.
“No tears,” I repeated, and I kept my word…until she left. The moment she was out that door, and I saw her cab drive away through the window, the tears started to fall.
Joel was right beside me on the bed, holding on to me. “What’s the matter, babe?” he asked as he kissed my cheek.
I leaned my head on his shoulder and said, “That’s probably the last time I’ll ever see her.”
We both knew that was the truth and he said, “Well, you got a chance that most people don’t get. You got the chance to say goodbye.”
“Yeah… I guess I did.”
I blinked away my tears, and that’s when I recorded another video for Amelia.
“Amelia Rose…this video really isn’t for any occasion. It’s more of a video just for my wonderful motherly advice I know you love so much, and to just chat. You see, I just said goodbye to your Aunt Alicia, and it’s probably the last goodbye I will ever get to say to her because I’m pretty sure I’ll never get to see her again. But your dad pointed something out to me… I got the chance to say it.
“Most people don’t get the chance to make amends or say their goodbyes, and I’m really blessed that I get that chance. I also get the chance to make these videos for you, which means the world to me and I hope someday they mean just as much to you. You know, I was sad at first, when your Aunt Alicia left but now…now I’m smiling. I see what a bright and beautiful life she has ahead of her and it makes me think of you. Where are you going to be when you’re her age? Who are you going to be?
“As I think about that, it makes me wonder whose smile you are going to have. I wonder if you’ll get more of your dad’s personality or mine…will you get his eyes or mine? Maybe you’ll get a mixture of both of our eyes; that’d be neat. Anyway, I know life has something amazing in store for you, you’ll see.