by Candis Vargo
“Well, to be fair, you are bad at secrets.”
“I didn’t tell you about the baby shower!”
“One thing in…how many years, ya think?”
She opened her mouth like she was going to protest, but instead she closed it and nodded in agreement. “Yeah…” she laughed.
That evening Joel was getting ready for my surprise He had borrowed Ryan’s truck and filled the back of it with blankets— including my white down comforter—and pillows. That alone was a sign that we were going to be laying in it at some point in time. I hoped he had enough blankets back there because the October air had a sharpness to it.
But every time I asked where we were going, he would just say, “You’ll see,” with the brightest smile on his face. He wore his nice black, button down t-shirt that he saved for special occasions. I always loved that shirt on him because it hugged his muscles just right.
After Joel had sat me down in the truck, the cord for the baby’s heart monitor was poking out underneath my t-shirt, and he gently pushed it back in before it got tangled up with the tube for my oxygen.
As we drove, I leaned my head on the seat and looked at him, smiling.
“What?” he laughed. “Nothing…”
“No, what?”
“You’re just adorable, is all.”
“Adorable,” he narrowed his eyes at me. “What do you mean I’m adorable? I’m a man.” He deepened his voice as he made a muscle with his right arm. “I man…man, no adorable…man is manly.”
I softly leaned my head back in laughter. I couldn’t have thought of a better way to spend my last night at home, or as I thought of it—my last night of freedom. I wasn’t regretting my decision, and I knew it was the smart and right thing to do, but that didn’t mean I liked it. So I enjoyed my moments with him. The laughter and the smiles. Those were the things I still saw when I closed my eyes. Those were the things I liked to see.
“You are very handsome and manly, baby.” I leaned over and kissed his cheek.
Joel turned on the Bluetooth on his phone and hooked it up to Ryan’s truck. I thought it was neat how the truck did that. It connected to your phone without any extra devices, and it played your music over the speakers. Joel scrolled through his list of songs and when he found one he wanted to hear, he played it through the Bluetooth. I reached over and held his hand in mine, and the difference between them was astonishing. My hands were a pale blue now while his were a nice tan color, and my hand was almost skeletal. There was no longer any muscle to it- instead, it was nothing but skin and bones.
I tried not to focus on it, so I sang along with the song. I leaned my head against the window and looked up into the darkened night sky. We were far enough into the country now that we were able to see all the stars in the sky and it was a spectacular view. I smiled as I looked at the vast world in the sky and a meteor flew by.
“Joel,” I gasped as I tightened my hold on his hand.
Another one dashed across the sky, followed by another…and another.
I finally saw it…a meteor shower. I had always wanted to but was always too busy. Crazy, now that I think back on it. How was I too busy to stay up a few extra hours and drive a few miles to see something so beautiful?
“We’re almost there,” Joel smiled at me.
And I couldn’t wait. I couldn’t wait to be lying in the back of the truck, wrapped up in the comfort of those blankets and my husband’s arms while watching the most beautiful show of my life.
“I love you so much,” I said. I pulled his hand up to kiss it, but I stopped myself. I flipped our hands over and kissed mine instead, and he laughed.
See, that was a joke we always had between us and each time we did it I had vivid memories of the first time it happened. We had just started dating, and we were driving in his old blue nova, holding hands as he shifted gears—he felt manlier being able to do that. He went to kiss my hand but ended up kissing his instead, on accident. Ever since then, it was a joke between the two of us and one of the best memories we’d made.
I looked back at him, and I could tell he was getting ready to say, “I love you too,” but instead he looked past me, through my window, and yelled, “Cara!”
I turned my head to look through my window when the blaring of a horn drowned out the song and the bright headlights of an oncoming vehicle blinded me.
The crashing of metal came, and I remember the excessive pain in my head and
the breaking of glass…
Everything went black.
CHAPTER TWELVE
JOEL
As I sit here and think about it and how it all happened so fast, I realize how slow it actually was. They say there are moments in your life where everything seems to go in slow motion, mostly near death experiences like car accidents and such, but really, it’s moments that are traumatic…moments that will stick with you for the rest of your life.
And that’s how it happened.
I came in and out of consciousness; there was a blinding light every time I opened my eyes and the annoying sound of the horn that just wouldn’t go away. I fought against the darkness, wanting to get to you…when I finally managed to come to and stay awake, I saw your body—so limp and broken with your head flopped forward, and there was blood covering your face and dripping onto mine. I thought I was going to die in that moment, not because of my physical wounds, but because of the wound that was deep into my soul from seeing you like that.
I called your name several times, but you never heard me.
There was a ringing in my ears, and I couldn’t shake the sound of your scream as the truck hit us…it was a gut-wrenching sound. So full of hurt and agony…in all my life I’ve never heard anything so heartbreaking.
When I managed to unbuckle myself, and I tried to move to you, I realized that the truck was on its side, and you were dangling from the seat belt. You’d think I would have realized that with your blood dripping on to me, but I hadn’t…
I tried to yell for help. I yelled as loud as I could.
“Help! Help,” pain shot through my chest every time I yelled, but that didn’t stop
me. “Help!”
No one was coming.
“Hello? Is anyone there?” I thought I heard a voice but I looked around, and no one was there…
Why wasn’t anyone coming?
“Cara, oh my God, Cara,” I cried. “I’m so sorry baby, I’m so sorry.”
I stood up as much as I could and positioned myself so I could get you out of there. I didn’t know if hanging like that would hurt Amelia and the chance that it could…I knew you’d want me to get you out of there. So I did.
“Sir, Sir do you need some help?” There was the voice again…I glanced around quickly, but there was still no one in sight. I shook my head. I wasn’t ready to lose my mind yet…I had to save my wife and baby…I had to save you.
I started kicking the windshield. It was already pretty smashed and had a decent hole through it so I thought it would be easy to do, but it wasn’t.
The constant blaring of the horn was making it hard for me to think and I was getting mad…so mad…
As if by some unseen force, the horn stopped and was replaced by the song that I had been playing for you…
Finally able to think again, I remembered the emergency tool you got for Ryan as you were complaining about his driving. You had said that someday he might need that. But really, it was us.
I opened the glovebox, and it fell out at me. I fumbled around, trying to catch it. Somehow my shaky hands managed to.
I used the emergency hammer and hit it on the windshield. I watched as it shattered and fell to my feet. Keeping hold of the tool, I used the seat belt cutter. As the seatbelt flung back, you fell into my arms.
I thought it would have been harder to catch you, but with all of the weight you lost, even with the added weight of Amelia inside of you, it wasn’t. I later found out that it was because of my adrenaline. I had broken three ribs, but I couldn’t feel it
. Plus, it’s not like it would have mattered. Even if I could have felt it, I still would have done all of that.
I held you in my arms as I stepped out of the truck, being careful not to fall.
“Help,” I yelled again…and again…
I fell to my knees in the grass, still holding you in my arms.
Your body was so limp…I didn’t know if you were breathing or not but I knew you’d need your oxygen and I didn’t want to leave you to go back to the truck and get it. Your arms dangled down as your head lolled back…I couldn’t lose you, not yet. And if I lost you then, was I going to lose Amelia too? I didn’t know…
“I’m so sorry, oh my God, I’m so sorry.” A man came running up to us, and I figured he was from the truck that hit us. He knelt down in front of us, looking as pained as I felt. His nose was pouring blood but he asked, “What can I do? What can I do?”
It was like some miracle like someone was watching over us…I caught sight of your oxygen tank over beside the truck. Somehow it had ended up outside of it, but it was perfectly fine. I sent the man over to get the tank, and he came back with it. The nasal tubes were still wrapped around the handle…thank God.
He listened to my instructions as I told him how to turn it on and he placed the tubes around your ears and into your nose. I wasn’t willing to say you were gone, so I was making sure I did everything I could to keep you there.
I glanced in the distance where a siren caught my attention. I saw a light, but it quickly changed colors. It kept changing colors, and more lights joined it. They all started to blur and soon enough I couldn’t even tell them apart.
I rode with you in the ambulance as they took us to the hospital. I remember the look of concern on the paramedics faces when she listened to your heart and searched for Amelia’s heartbeat. When she found her heartbeat, it was fast, faster than it usually was.
Tears streamed down my face as I tried to reach for you again, but the paramedic pushed me back down.
“Let me help her,” she said. There was determination in her eyes along with some tears.
I’ll never understand that…how someone could care so much for a random stranger and do whatever they could to help them…the world needed more people like that. It really did. This lady…this stranger was determined to save you and our baby.
“She has Leukemia,” I choked out.
I’ll never forget the look on her face as she looked at the paramedic who was driving. It was as though all hope was gone. It wasn’t supposed to be happening like that. I kept thinking that you couldn’t leave me, not yet. We were supposed to have more time. Even if it was only a short amount of time, it was still more time.
Your tubes were replaced by a mask. The fact that she wasn’t doing CPR told me that you were still alive…so I wasn’t losing hope. Not yet.
When we got to the hospital, there was a bunch of yelling between the paramedics and the nurses and doctors. The paramedics were yelling codes and terms for whatever they thought was wrong with you and what they’d done for you, while the nurses and doctors were yelling instructions across the emergency room. They tried to make me stay away, but I fought against them.
The doctor listened to a few things, I’m not quite sure what, but he listened all over the place with that stethoscope before yelling, “We need to get that baby out of her, now!”
There was yelling about prepping the operating room and I remember Dr. Lynn talking about how she didn’t want you to have a C-section for the fear of bleeding out. “No! No,” I yelled. “She can’t have a C-section…she’s not due for four more weeks!”
They couldn’t do that. They couldn’t cut you open…especially before it was time. Amelia had to stay in there for four more weeks. I didn’t know if she would be okay if she came out now…
“Sir…Sir,” one of the nurses, tried to talk to me, but I ignored her.
“Sir,” the doctor snapped. “If we don’t move now and get that baby out of there, you’re going to lose them both.”
I didn’t understand what he was saying. My mind was swimming with so many different thoughts. I looked around, confused, and just nodded.
The nurses weren’t going to let me follow you, but the doctor said for them to let me. There was a distinctive sadness in his eyes.
They wrapped me up in this weird gown and put a mask over my mouth and nose, but I didn’t care as long as I got to be in that room with you. Dr. Lynn came running in, and she took over the operating room. The nurses had hung up so many bags of blood…so many bags…
They hung up a type of curtain so I couldn’t see your belly but I was able to be right beside you the entire time.
It was only a moment longer before I heard the sweet sound of our baby girl crying for the first time. And you heard it too because you opened your eyes. I had never been so happy to see your bright green eyes and God, it made me smile. Relief swept over me as one of the nurses brought Amelia over and held her on your chest so you could see her.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CARA
The sound of a baby crying was enough to wake any mother up, but when it was your baby, it was enough to bring you back from the moment of death.
The moment I heard Amelia, every ounce of me fought to free myself from the darkness that held me.
And I did it.
I opened my eyes, and though everything was blurry at first, I could still make out the sight of Amelia. She was tiny…so tiny…but she was going to be okay because she was crying.
Everything seemed to go in slow motion as it happened.
I looked over and saw Joel, and he stood up, taking hold of my hand. He kissed me on the forehead as I leaned my head forward to kiss Amelia.
Every emotion I had felt for the past few months and every ounce of pain and sadness…it was all worth it for the chance to look at my baby girl.
“She’s going to be okay, Cara,” he said.
“She’s going to be okay.”
I couldn’t have been more blessed.
I had actually done it. I had managed to keep her inside of me until she was well enough to come into this world. She may have come early, but she was as healthy as could be.
I felt her skin against mine, and I was able to hear her take a breath. As her cheek brushed against mine, she stopped crying, like she knew that her mommy was right there beside her. And I knew that’s where my spirit would always stay.
She looked at me, and her fragile little arm reached out, and she brushed her hand along my nose, and I realized I got to feel the touch of my precious girl. They can say whatever they want about what newborns do and don’t know because I know…I know that she knew me. She knew I was there and she wanted to let me know that everything was going to be okay.
It only took a moment for me to realize I was right about her all along.
“She’s going to…change…the world,” I had to take deep breaths while I was talking. “You’ll see…”
“Yes, she will,” Joel smiled through his tears. He kept running his hand over my head, over and over.
I was weak…so weak. But I still did my best to smile at my baby girl. The cancer had taken a lot from me, but it didn’t take her. “Perfect—you’re—per…”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
JOEL
There was the earsplitting screech of machines combined with yelling from the nurses and doctors. Everyone was rushing around, pushing and prodding, and I just stood there. I didn’t know where to go or what to do, so I just stood there. It took me a moment to finally realize what was happening and when I did, my world came crashing down.
The blaring of the machine was the sound of your heart stopping.
I screamed your name, trying to get you to talk to me. Your eyes were still open. I always thought that when someone died, their eyes would be closed - that they would look like they’re sleeping - but that’s not the truth. Your eyes were open, but they were blank as you stared off into the distance.
I don’t think
I will ever forget that sound...
The sound of your last few breaths. They were deep and quick… And then they were gone.
That’s when one of the nurses tried to pry my hand from yours. I didn’t even realize I was still holding it, but I didn’t want to let go. She kept telling me to leave the room and another nurse came over to help remove me, but I still held on.
“You can’t be in here right now,” she said. “You can’t be in here and your baby needs you. Do you hear me? Your baby needs you!”
I still held your hand as I looked over towards the doors where another nurse was leaving the room with our baby in one of those mobile bassinets. Then I looked at you. I kept looking back and forth, and I was torn so I did the only thing I could do at that moment. I screamed. I let out all the pain I could as I screamed.
I couldn’t move. I couldn’t think. When I was finally able to move, every instinct told me you’d want me to go with Amelia. Though I knew you needed me too, I knew Amelia needed me more, so I kissed your hand before I let go and when I did, it just hung off of the end of the table…
The nurses pushed me out, and I ran down the hall to Amelia, who was crying. I didn’t even ask the nurse, I just picked her up and held her against me. I remembered you saying something about skin to skin contact after they’re born and how that’s best for them, so I did that. I unbuttoned my shirt and held our little girl against me. You’d be proud.
I held her, and she stopped crying, but I started to. I kissed our daughter and looked into her sweet face, and I wondered how I was going to do it without you. How was I
going to be a dad without you? I really didn’t know, but I knew you had faith in me, so I did my best to have faith in myself.
I found myself repeating this one insignificant moment in my head. I don’t know why I thought of it, but I replayed it over and over, all within a few seconds, and the vision of it was so clear. Do you remember when we went to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon, and you wanted to get some ice cream? There was that little girl there, the one with the curly brown hair and the bright blue eyes. She looked like she was only three or four, but she had that waffle cone with a scoop of sherbet ice cream in it. There was this guy walking his dog and that dog hopped up and stole the ice cream from her.