“I love you, Michelle.”
“I love you too. I do.”
“I know you do, sweetheart. I know it.”
She hung up the phone with tears in her eyes and anger pumping through her. Why would she meet someone so amazing only for it to be impossible for her to be with him? It seemed like a cruel joke played on her by some distant omnipotent being.
“Mom! When’s dinner?” Miles shouted from the living room.
Her chest tightened. Anxiety overwhelmed her to the point that she thought she might scream. In a fit of frustration she threw the ice cream carton on the floor. It broke open and splattered ice cream everywhere.
“Mom?” Miles stopped in the doorway. “Are you okay?”
Her throat thickened as she fought back tears. She couldn’t let him see her lose it.
“Yes, it just slipped out of my hand. Dinner will be in a few minutes, okay?”
“No problem. Do you want some help?”
“I’m okay, thanks, darling.”
Miles backed away. It made her heart ache to realize that he didn’t believe her.
Yet again she’d lost her cool.
She cleaned up the mess and tossed out the carton. By the time dinner was on the table she’d gone past a place of frustration to a place of self-pity. Why did everything have to be so difficult? As if things weren’t hard enough before, now she had to deal with a constant longing for Jack. It only made things more complicated.
As she listened to her sons talk about their day she did her best to engage with them and have a better attitude, but she knew it didn’t make up for the moments when everything overwhelmed her and she lost control. Maybe she was right in the first place. Maybe dating was a very bad idea while she struggled to parent. After all, their needs had to be her first priority, and if she couldn’t stay focused on that, then how could dating Jack be a good thing?
She fell asleep that night determined to draw back even more. It was time to take back control of her life and her feelings.
Chapter 27
Jack glanced at his phone. Nothing, as usual. He sighed and put the phone back down on his desk. It was difficult not to get frustrated.
Though he knew her life was busy, he sensed there was more to Michelle’s silence. The last time he’d spoken to her on the phone she sounded so overwhelmed. He didn’t want her to have to face all of that alone, but there was only so much he could do over the phone. He tried to focus on work, but it felt empty and pointless when all he wanted to do was help Michelle to solve her problems.
By lunch he’d sorted through more work than he usually did in an entire day. He’d also decided that he had to find a way to reach her, to move things along even if it was a bit faster than what they’d talked about.
He called her as he strolled along the walking path that led between two large office buildings. He didn’t expect her to answer.
When she did, he smiled. “Michelle, it’s so good to hear your voice.”
“Yours too, Jack. Really it is.”
“I know you’ve been busy.”
“Yes, I have been.”
He paused at the tone in her voice. The sorrow in it made his muscles tense. “Michelle? Is something wrong?”
“Jack, I don’t know how to say this.”
“Just say it.”
“I’m not sure that this is going to work.”
“This?”
“Us.”
His jaw clenched as the word echoed in his thoughts. “What do you mean?”
“I’m so distracted. I can’t keep up with anything. Things are even more of a mess than they usually are.”
“And you think that’s because of us?”
“I think it’s because I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“That sounds like a good thing to me.”
“It is a good thing, but not when I have to pay attention to other things. Jack, I just don’t think it’s the right time.”
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Michelle, I hear what you’re saying, but I have a different point of view.”
“What is it?”
“Maybe we’re fighting too hard to keep things separate. If I was able to be more present in your life, then there wouldn’t be a need for so much distraction.”
“I think that would only make things worse.”
“So you want to end it?” His heart lurched. “Just give up on everything we feel for one another?”
“Of course I don’t want to, but I don’t feel like I have a choice.”
“You do.” He clenched his teeth in an attempt to hold back words of frustration. The thought of losing her made his entire body tense up. It struck him that for her to ask to end things had to be just as painful. “Michelle.” He softened his voice. “I’m sorry that you’re having such a difficult time. That’s what really matters. If you don’t want me to call or text, I won’t. If you don’t want me to ask when we’ll meet next, I won’t. But I’m fairly certain that even if I don’t contact you, you’re still going to be distracted.”
“You’re right.” Her voice wavered. “I’m sure I will be. It’s too late, isn’t it?”
“Too late for what?”
“Too late to get control back.”
“What is it that you’re trying to control? Being happy? Being in love with me?” His fingers tensed as they grasped the phone. He didn’t think that he could tolerate it if she claimed not to be in love.
“When you put it that way it seems a little silly.”
“It’s not silly at all. It’s a little frightening for me too. The connection between us is strong. I think of you all the time also. I just don’t think less contact is going to resolve it. I think being together more often would help.”
“But that’s nearly impossible.”
“Not once I meet the boys it won’t be.”
He heard her heavy sigh through the phone and knew that she wasn’t ready.
“That’s something that I can’t take back. Once I introduce you to them, you’re part of their lives.”
“Are you worried that I won’t always be?”
“Of course I am.”
“I will always be there for you and for them.”
“You say that, but how can we know for sure?”
“You have to trust me.”
“It’s not that I don’t. Life happens, people change, and the kids are the ones that have no control over it.”
“Listen to me, no matter what happens in life, it’s not going to change the way I feel about you. Yes, I understand why you’re hesitant, but I’m not sure that time will change that. You’ve known me better than anyone else in my life over the past months. If that’s not enough for you to be certain that I would never do anything to hurt you or the boys, then I don’t think more time will change that.”
“Maybe you’re right. I need to think about things.”
“You can take as much time as you need, Michelle. I’m going to be here, whenever you’re ready. But please don’t tell me that this isn’t going to work.”
“I’m sorry. I want it to. You know I do.”
“That’s all I need to hear. We’ll figure this out together. Just take it one day at a time. Remember, I’m here if you ever need to talk, just like we’ve been there for one another for so long. I want you to be part of my life in any way that you think is best—over the phone, on the computer, in person—however you feel comfortable, that’s what I want.”
“I love you, Jack.”
“I love you too.”
When he hung up the phone he had to take a few breaths before he could head back into work. The panic that her tone summoned in him was enough to remind him how easily he could lose her.
He was sure that she loved him, but would that be enough?
Chapter 28
Michelle trudged through the remainder of her week with her head down and her mind determined to make things work. More often than not, though, her thoughts brought her back to
Jack. Unfortunately, they weren’t always the best thoughts.
She imagined what it would be like if Jack decided that her two sons, who were a bit rambunctious, were out of control and needed more of a firm hand. She imagined what it would be like if Miles decided he didn’t like Jack and began to act out or give up on school altogether.
She’d heard horror stories from friends about what it was like for them when their kids gained a stepfather. What if they just didn’t get along? What if Austin’s constant questioning drove Jack crazy? What if Jack realized that he was all done with raising his own son and the thought of raising two more was too much for him?
There were all kinds of things that could go wrong once the kids met him, and perhaps that was why she wanted to avoid it so much. The more she thought about it, the less good she could see coming out of them meeting.
Then she thought about whether she could maintain a relationship with Jack completely separate from her life with the boys. At first it seemed like a great idea, but it didn’t take long for her to realize that it would never work, and more than that, Jack wouldn’t be comfortable with it. She knew he wanted to be part of her sons’ lives just as much as he wanted to be part of hers.
She spent the entire weekend trying to decide what to do next.
Sunday night as she was reviewing their homework, her sons sat impatiently at the table with her.
“Mom, I’m old enough now. You don’t have to check my homework.” Miles sighed.
“It’s important that I know you understand what you’re learning, Miles. It matters to me.”
“Mom, if I don’t understand something I just look it up on the Internet.” He shrugged.
“You do?”
“Sure. Everything we’re studying is on there.”
“Why don’t you just come to me?”
“Don’t you think you’re busy enough?”
“I’m never too busy for you, Miles.”
He shook his head and stared hard at the piece of paper in front of him. “I’m not a baby any more. You don’t have to act like I am.”
“I know you’re not a baby.”
“Really?” He met her eyes across the table. “Then why don’t you ever tell me the truth?”
“I try to always tell you the truth.”
“So how come you’ve been so miserable this week?”
“Miserable?”
“Cranky!” Austin nodded.
“Really?” She narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think I’ve been cranky.”
“Mom, we can tell.” Miles rolled his eyes.
“Okay, okay.” She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry if I’ve been distracted or cranky. I’m just dealing with some things—some grown-up things.”
“See.” Miles shook his head.
“Yes, Miles, there are some things that are adult matters, and no, you’re not an adult yet.” She frowned.
“Like Jack?”
Her heart skipped a beat.
“Who’s Jack?” Austin chewed on the end of his pencil.
“Mom’s boyfriend.” Miles grinned.
“What?” Her eyes widened. “Who told you that?”
“No one has to tell me. Most of my friends have divorced parents. I know how it goes.”
“Wait, does that mean you’re going to get married?” Austin’s pencil fell out of his mouth. “Will there be cake?”
“Austin. Stop this, boys. Miles, look what you’ve done.”
“It’s not my fault that you think you have to hide everything from me. Austin has a right to know too.”
“No.” She stood up from the table. “He’s not my boyfriend, we’re not going to get married, and my personal life is not your concern.”
“Cranky!” Austin jumped up from the table and raced toward his room.
Michelle grimaced as she realized that she’d used a sharper tone of voice than she’d intended.
“Miles, why are you acting this way?”
“Why are you?” He stared up at his mother. “Why can’t you just tell me the truth?”
She sighed. “What do you want to know?”
“Are you sad because he treated you bad or are you sad because you miss him?” Miles met her eyes.
She stared at her son, who without her knowing it had matured beyond his years. It was awkward to talk to him about Jack, but all at once she understood why he needed to know. All week he’d sensed that she was upset, and without an explanation from her, his mind must have raced with ideas as to what was going on with her.
“I’m sad because I don’t know what the right thing to do is.”
“You always know that.”
“It might seem like that, but as you get older you’ll understand. Not every choice is black and white.”
“Do you love him?”
“Miles. Do you even know what that means?”
“I’m not a baby, Mom. Seriously. I know that people fall in love, they get married, they have babies, and please let’s not talk about the birds and bees again.” He rolled his eyes, which made Michelle laugh lightly.
“It’s just complicated.”
“Because of Austin and me.”
“Because it’s a big change.”
“I just want you to be happy, Mom.”
“Thank you, Miles. I’ll try to have a better attitude.”
He sighed and looked back down at his paper.
Michelle tried not to think about what his opinion might be of her. Was it normal for her son to be worried about her happiness? Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around?
In the middle of her workday on Monday Michelle received a phone call from her brother.
“David, what’s up?”
“Miles called me.”
“He did? Why?”
“He asked me to come over this weekend.”
“Oh, that’s nice. I’m sure he just misses you.”
“Actually he asked me to come over so that you can meet up with Jack.”
“What?” Her eyes widened and she gripped the phone tighter.
“He said that he thinks you miss him and that you should have a chance to see him. Plus, he wants me to take him go-karting.” He laughed.
“David, I can’t ask that of you. You just had the boys last weekend.”
“And we had a great time. Look, I know you’ve been trying to do all of this on your own, and I can honestly say that’s mostly my fault. I really didn’t know how to reach out to you. I wanted to be there for you, but I didn’t want to insult you. If me hanging out with the kids means that you can have a good time, what’s so wrong with that?”
“What bothers me is that Miles knows about Jack at all. I’ve told him Jack is a friend, but he seems to have figured out that he’s more than that.”
“He’s a smart kid, Michelle, and he loves you. He wants you to be happy.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Or are you making it more difficult than it needs to be?”
“It’s not as if my husband left me, David. He died.”
“Yes, he did. And from what I knew of him, he never would have wanted you to dwell on his loss in such a way that stopped you from living your life.”
“It’s not just about me. He’s their father. How can I bring a new man into their lives?”
“Remember when Dad died?”
Her heart stopped for a brief moment, then pounded hard. “Of course I do. I was just starting college.”
“And I was just starting high school. When he died, I missed him. Of course I did. But I still wanted a father. I never got that chance, but you can give that to your boys. No one will ever replace their dad, but someone else can help fill in that emptiness that I know for a fact is now inside of them.”
“David, I never knew you struggled so much.”
“We weren’t very close.”
“No, we weren’t. I’m sorry for that.”
“So let’s change it. Let me be in your life, in the boys’ lives. Let me he
lp you more often.”
“You’re sure you don’t mind?”
“I love my nephews and I love you. You’re my family.”
“Thanks, David. You have no idea what that means to me.”
“I’ll pick them up at around nine on Saturday, okay? I can’t take them overnight because I have a commitment on Sunday, but I can keep them until at least eight or nine. Will that give you enough time?”
“More than enough.” She blinked back tears of gratitude. It had been so long since she dared to rely on anyone else, she had no idea how to react to his offer. “Thank you so much.”
“I’m your brother, Michelle, you don’t have to thank me.”
As she hung up the phone, excitement filled her. She couldn’t wait to tell Jack that they might be able to get some time together. But an instant later the familiar guilt that she felt returned. She bit into her bottom lip and sent a text to Jack.
Are you free on Saturday?
Chapter 29
When Jack received the text he could barely believe it. After their recent conversation he wasn’t counting on Michelle to make an effort to see him. He texted her back right away.
Absolutely. I can come there, just tell me when.
He felt excitement already at the thought of seeing her again.
A moment later he received a response.
How about we find a halfway spot?
He sighed as he realized that she wasn’t inviting him to meet the boys, but ignored his initial disappointment. Any time he had with her was a reason to celebrate, but he knew the drive would be a lot for her during a busy day. He texted back.
How about the same place where we met for lunch? Around eleven?
If you’re sure about driving that far, that works for me.
I will be there. Can’t wait.
He tucked his phone into his pocket and smiled with relief. It meant a lot to him that she’d made the effort to plan their next meeting. It showed him that she was as interested as he was.
Unless she intended to end things in person.
The thought came out of nowhere and made his stomach churn. He pushed it away. She felt the same way about him that he did about her, he was sure of it.
Forty and Free: A Sweet Romance Series Bundle - Books 5 - 8 Page 35