Once he was well enough to walk around, Lieutenant Drummond would visit the other patients. He wasn’t a joker, exactly, but he seemed to spread good humour through the ward, and Stella had seen him reading a newspaper to a young soldier who’d been blinded by a Japanese sniper.
Just the same, Stella might not have taken any special notice of Magnus if she hadn’t been on night shift and heard him sobbing in his sleep.
This wasn’t uncommon, of course. Several of the men had woken and been disoriented, with no idea they were in a hospital, sure that they were still in the jungle, with the enemy only yards away, skulking about in the dark.
But one night Lieutenant Drummond’s distress was worse than anything Stella had previously encountered.
She was sorting out medicines and checking dosages when she heard the yelling and screaming. The commotion was even louder than the aircraft roaring overhead and when she hurried into the ward, Magnus Drummond was sitting up in bed, his hair dishevelled, his dark eyes wild and staring.
‘Contact front!’ he yelled. ‘Contact front!’
Stella spoke calmly as she approached him. ‘Lieutenant Drummond, it’s all right. You’re safe. You’re in Australia.’
He turned to her, staring blankly.
‘I’m Sister Murray,’ she said. ‘You’re in Australia, in Townsville. In the hospital.’
But he continued to stare at her without any sign of comprehension. And although he was clearly agitated, the expression in his eyes wasn’t fear, but quite the opposite. His eyes blazed with a fierce anger that made her step back, suddenly afraid.
His whole body was vibrating with fine tremors, and he seemed to be poised on the edge of some dreadful, violent act.
‘Lieutenant Drummond,’ she said again as calmly and soothingly as she could.
He turned in her direction, but she knew he wasn’t seeing her. He just crouched in the bed, completely disoriented and confused, preparing to launch vengeance on an imaginary enemy as he gripped the steel frames on either side of him so tightly his knuckles were white.
It was very disturbing to see such a normally calm, dignified and friendly man so greatly transformed and deranged. Stella knew there was only one thing she could do. She fetched a doctor, who didn’t hesitate to calm the poor man by injecting a sedative.
At the end of her shift, Stella lay awake thinking about the terrible experiences that the men on her wards must have endured, wondering how long this dreadful war was going to last.
And of course, she worried about Tom.
The next day she made a point of visiting Lieutenant Drummond. She thought he might not remember the horrors of the night, but when she found him sitting outside the tent, smoking a cigarette, he looked embarrassed.
‘Please forgive me,’ he said. ‘I believe I terrified you last night.’
Stella shook her head. ‘Not at all. I wasn’t really frightened, but I was certainly worried.’
There was a chair beside him and she sat. ‘I’m no psychiatrist,’ she said, ‘but I understand it can be good to talk about these things and I’m a very good listener. I’m not easily shocked either. The soldiers in Singapore told me all sorts of horrors about the Japs in Malaya.’
But Magnus shook his head. ‘I can’t. I certainly can’t talk about New Guinea to a woman.’ His face was suddenly hard, and his gaze, as he tapped ash from the end of his cigarette, was stony.
Stella took a different tack. ‘So, what part of Australia do you come from?’ she asked. ‘Where’s your home?’
‘Our place is further north,’ he said. ‘A family cattle property called Ruthven Downs. In the Cairns hinterland.’
She smiled. ‘That’s a bit of a coincidence. I grew up on a North Queensland cattle station too.’
His dark eyes lit up with obvious delight. ‘Whereabouts?’
‘Black Watch Station out west of here, near Hughenden.’ She hastened to add, ‘We don’t own the property. My father’s the manager.’
Magnus nodded and she could see the tension in his body begin to ease. ‘I miss the bush,’ he said quietly. ‘Do you?’
‘Sometimes.’
He bent down and crushed the stub of his cigarette in the dirt, and when he looked up again his expression was much calmer. ‘I miss it badly,’ he said quietly. ‘I miss the smell of gum leaves in a billy fire. And I miss riding. The rush of air past my face. The movement of a good horse under me.’
He was smiling now, and he really was quite handsome when he smiled. ‘I miss the early mornings. The mist along the river, the gentle chatter of finches in the bottlebrush.’
Stella nodded. ‘I think it’s the peace and quiet of the bush that I miss,’ she said, remembering how she’d longed for that peace during the whining of bombs and the terrifying explosions in Singapore. ‘I sometimes fantasise about a campfire down by the river. The smell of a good stew cooking in a camp oven on the coals.’
‘Ah, yes,’ he agreed. ‘You can’t beat the breathless hush of a camp beside a paperbark creek with that clear green, still water. Or the red glow of an ironbark campfire under a starry sky.’
Stella was used to men from the bush and she’d found many of them to be shy around women, almost tongue-tied. Yet the way this man talked was almost poetic. She supposed his eloquence was the result of a good education.
Now, his chest rose and fell as he drew a deep, steadying breath and let it out again slowly. ‘When this is over I’m going home and I’m staying there, for good. I didn’t realise how important a patch of scrubby country and an old homestead could be until I thought I’d never see them again.’
These were sentiments Stella could easily relate to and she couldn’t help feeling a deep stirring of sympathy.
‘That’s something to look forward to,’ she said.
‘I’m certainly sick of travel.’ He gave a wry chuckle. ‘I should never have left home in the first place.’
She knew he was joking – or half-joking.
‘So, were you like the fellows in that Fred Astaire song?’ She sang a line or two. ‘We joined the navy to see the world. And what did we see? We saw the sea.’
‘Yeah,’ said Magnus. ‘Except all I saw was desert and jungle.’
‘Well, at least you’ve had variety,’ she teased. ‘I only saw Singapore.’
‘There you go. Proves my point. All those miles and nothing worth seeing.’
He lit another smoke, letting it hang loosely from the corner of his mouth. ‘And I won’t be leaving North Queensland again. If I make it home, I won’t even stray beyond the home paddocks.’
‘That’s a bit excessive,’ she suggested gently.
‘Okay. I’ll drive down to the front gate to pick up the mail, but I won’t leave the district unless there’s a very good reason.’
‘Such as?’
His eyes flashed with a warmth that surprised her. ‘Visiting you out at Hughenden.’
She smiled to cover her surprise, then stood and smoothed down her uniform. Unexpectedly, she remembered the innocent remark she’d made to her mother before she embarked for Singapore.
I’ll come home from this war and marry a grazier and have six strapping sons.
How naïve she’d been then, with no knowledge of the life-changing force of real love. Had she honestly thought it would be easy to pick out a suitable husband?
Now, it wasn’t an Australian grazier, but a British civil engineer who she desperately hoped would share her life.
19
When the phone rang, Seth was reading Charlie his favourite story about a brown bear. The two of them were together on a beanbag and Charlie, freshly bathed and fed, was nestled between Seth’s thighs. This was their nightly ritual and they both knew this story by heart. Charlie took great delight in stabbing the page with his finger whenever he saw Brown Bear.
Now the phone’s shrill bell interrupted them and Seth scowled. He was inclined to let it go to voice mail until he remembered that it might be Alice, getting
back to him about a planned date for Friday night.
‘Hang on a sec, mate,’ he told Charlie as he heaved himself up. ‘You look at the pictures. I won’t be long.’
Charlie looked up with big blue eyes as Seth crossed the room. The kid was so damn cute Seth felt his heart twist.
He was smiling as he lifted the phone. But the caller wasn’t Alice. It was an unidentified number.
‘Hi, Seth, it’s Joanna.’
Joanna?? Fuck. Seth went cold all over.
When Joanna had dumped Charlie, she’d been adamant that there’d be no further contact. About a month after she’d left, Seth had tried to formalise some kind of agreement with her – he had her home address on their employment records. Her reply had been brief and unambiguous.
I am not in a position to be part of your son’s life and I will not make any claims on either of you, now or in the future.
Even so, Seth had lived in dread of hearing her plummy English voice again. He’d even had nightmares where she’d turned up at Ruthven Downs to tell him that she’d changed her mind and wanted Charlie back.
‘Are you still there?’ Joanna said. ‘We need to talk.’
Fury surged through Seth. More than anything, he wanted to hang up on her. ‘How can I help you, Joanna?’
She gave a nervous little laugh. The sound set his teeth on edge. Why would she be ringing him now, other than to tell him that she’d changed her mind and she wanted Charlie after all?
‘Nigel and I are coming out to Australia,’ she said. ‘And I was hoping to see you.’
‘Why?’ There wasn’t a shred of warmth in his voice. He couldn’t help it. He was too shit-scared to think about manners, and before she could answer he jumped in with a challenge. ‘Joanna, you promised.’
‘I know,’ she said in a very small voice that gave him no comfort. ‘But let me explain, Seth. You see, I found that I had to tell Nigel about Charlie. It was just too big a secret to keep to myself. It was eating away at me. And then, in the end, when I did tell Nigel, he was amazing. Much more understanding than I’d expected.’
Bully for Nigel, Seth thought uncharitably. He looked across to Charlie who was still sitting innocently where he’d left him, trying to turn the pages of the book and babbling happily to himself about Brown Bear.
‘I’d just like to see him,’ Joanna said, and Seth could have sworn there was a wobble in her voice. ‘I’d like Nigel to meet him too. Just once. And Nigel would like to meet you, Seth. We’d both like to thank you for everything you’ve done for Charlie.’
‘Jesus.’ Seth couldn’t hold back the profanity. He was sick to the stomach. ‘And then what?’ he snapped. ‘You’re not going to ask to have him back?’
‘No,’ Joanna said. ‘I’ll keep my promise.’
Seth wished he could believe her. ‘So when are you flying over here?’
‘We’d like to come next week, if that’s okay.’
Seth bit back another swearword, but hell, talk about short notice.
‘We’ll just make it a very quick visit,’ she said. ‘We don’t need to come out to your farm. I don’t think I could face your whole family. Would it be too inconvenient to meet in Mareeba? At a coffee shop, perhaps?’
Seth was damned angry when he disconnected. Against his better judgement, he’d agreed to meet Joanna, but his blood was boiling. Hell, she made it sound so simple and cosy.
How crazy was that? This girl had been ultra-cool about dumping her kid and returning home to the other side of the world. And when she’d left, she’d been convinced that this Nigel bloke wouldn’t have a bar of her if she turned up with another man’s child.
Now they wanted to have a cosy cuppa, and according to Joanna, Nigel was so sensitive and understanding that he wanted to thank Seth for taking care of his wife’s child.
Bullshit.
Seth didn’t believe a word of it. That pair wasn’t crossing hemispheres and travelling to a remote part of Australia just to sit down and have a cup of coffee and a comfy chat.
Seth was so scared he could hardly breathe.
Charlie was asleep, a miracle that happened more and more easily these days. Some months back, Seth had read a couple of books on managing kids and they’d claimed that having a bedtime ritual helped. So he kept the whole bath, dinner and story routine going in the same order every evening.
It seemed to work.
Now he looked down at his son lying so innocently in his cot and he felt his chest tighten. He thought of the many months that he and the little guy had put in together. It was true he couldn’t possibly have managed without the support of his parents, but Charlie wasn’t their mistake and Seth had wanted to shoulder the bulk of the burden.
After the stresses and strains of the early weeks, when the crying and feeding had been exhausting and endless, there’d been all kinds of rewards. Charlie’s first proper laugh, the first time he’d rolled over, and then when he’d learned to crawl and walk. More recently, the first time he’d said ‘Dad’.
Life was so much easier now. Seth found it hard to remember the bad times, like when Charlie was teething, when he would have cheerfully boxed the kid up and posted him off to his mother in England. His son had miraculously morphed from a tiny pink and squirming creature into a proper little bloke with personality in spades. Seth loved his little boy so much now. He couldn’t imagine his life without him.
Damn Joanna. Her phone call had left him shaken and hollow inside. All year, the possibility that she’d renege on her deal had nagged at him, but he’d kept telling himself she was too selfish to bother much about Charlie.
Now, it seemed her maternal instincts had caught her out. Problem was, Seth understood that. The whole parenthood thing could creep up on you. For him, the knowledge that he’d unwittingly created another human being had brought overwhelming guilt and a huge sense of obligation. The love and caring had come later.
But how much stronger must those feelings be for the woman who’d actually carried the child, given birth to him and nurtured him through those fragile early weeks? Obviously, Joanna had tried to fight her maternal instincts, but the ties were deep.
And hell, how would Joanna react when she actually saw her kid? Charlie was such a great little guy. His mother was bound to fall for him hook, line and sinker. And this husband of hers was clearly more reasonable and supportive than she’d made out, or he wouldn’t have agreed to come out here.
But for pity’s sake, what was their plan?
Seth could so easily imagine the pair of them putting all kinds of pressure on him to hand his son over. Nigel’s family was aristocracy or something. He was probably used to getting his own way.
Seth looked again at Charlie lying in the glow of a rabbit-shaped night light. Leaning down, he touched his son’s soft, warm cheek and suddenly his eyes and throat were stinging.
He turned and left the room quickly.
__________
Alice was rather shocked by the leap of excitement she felt when she picked up the phone and heard Seth’s voice. She’d been trying to stay calm, to put her feelings for the guy into perspective. They’d both agreed that their relationship should be casual, which obviously meant she should not be thinking about him every spare second. Day and night.
Yet Seth had barely said hello before she was grinning from ear to ear and feeling all warm and glowing.
‘I was wondering how busy you are next Thursday afternoon,’ he said.
Alice calmed down a notch or two. Thursday afternoon was a strange time for a romantic date. What was he planning? ‘I have the shop, Seth. I usually don’t close until five-thirty.’
‘Yeah, I know it’s a big ask. But something’s come up, a kind of emergency. I could really use your help.’
She could hear the urgency in his voice, but his request was puzzling. It was only Monday now. What kind of emergency could be predicted in advance?
Then again, her shop wasn’t exactly busy. She supposed she could put up a s
ign in her window warning customers ahead of Thursday. ‘I could probably help,’ she said cautiously. ‘Why? What’s happened?’
‘Charlie’s mother wants to see him. She’s flying out from England with her husband.’
‘Oh.’ Alice frowned. ‘I thought she wasn’t interested in Charlie.’
‘Yeah, that’s what I thought too.’ Seth sounded nervous. After a brief pause he hurried on. ‘Look, I know this will sound pretty crazy, but I was wondering if you could help me. Maybe pose as my girlfriend.’ He made a small throat-clearing sound. ‘Like a serious girlfriend.’
Alice stiffened, suddenly on high alert. ‘You mean you want to present me to Charlie’s mother and her husband as –’ she had to stop to swallow the lump of dread that had lodged in her throat – ‘as Charlie’s potential stepmother?’
She heard the nervous huff of Seth’s breath, as if he’d sensed her resistance.
‘Just for one afternoon, Alice. That there’ll be two of them against one of me and I don’t really trust Joanna to play fair.’
‘Oh, God.’ She hadn’t meant to say that aloud. Seth already seemed stressed and he was asking for her help. But he had no idea how hard this would be for her. ‘So, I assume you don’t want to give Charlie up?’
‘Hell, no.’ He sounded shocked that she could even suggest such a thing. ‘Look,’ he hurried on, ‘I’m really sorry to dump this on you. The problem is, I’ve been out of circulation these past twelve months, and I can’t really think of anyone else to ask.’
Alice was remembering the only other time she’d been with Seth’s little boy, when he’d squirmed to be out of her arms. She’d felt so inadequate. How on earth could she convince another woman that she was good with small kids? ‘But Charlie hardly knows me,’ she said.
‘I don’t think that will be a problem. He’s a good little fellow and very friendly.’
Alice winced. She could feel herself slipping into quicksand. Sinking deeper and deeper.
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