‘Do you have a power outage?’ he asked.
‘No, I turned the lights out. I thought they might wake Charlie.’
Seth was surprised that she’d gone to so much trouble, but he quickly hid his reaction. ‘Good thinking.’ He dropped a grateful, quick kiss on her cheek, then went back to unbuckle his sleeping son.
‘Let’s go upstairs,’ she said softly, as he nestled Charlie’s heavy head against his shoulder. ‘You can put him on my bed.’
Her hair was caught up in a casual knot and she was wearing floral green and purple tights and an oversized purple T-shirt. She looked bloody sensational.
Now, using the torch to light the way, she led Seth through the shop that smelled of furniture polish and then through the workshop that smelled of wood shavings, then finally up the narrow staircase. A lamp glowed softly in the corner of her bedroom, and the scent of lavender wafted from pale grey sheets as Seth lowered the little boy onto the bed.
They made a nest of pillows around him and tucked the rabbit close. Charlie wriggled and squirmed a bit, but he didn’t open his eyes, and it wasn’t long before he was stroking the silky lining of one of the rabbit’s ears and settling back to sleep.
Seth and Alice stood together, still as statues, watching, waiting in total silence. Soon Charlie’s ear-stroking stopped. His plump little hand lay relaxed and soft.
‘Well done,’ Seth whispered to her. ‘Thanks.’
Together, they backed out of the room and closed the door gently, retreating to Alice’s small, lamp-lit living area, which, like Seth’s, comprised a kitchen, dining and lounge.
‘Take a seat.’ She waved towards a red velvet armchair. ‘What would you like? Coffee?’
Seth could see that she already had the mugs, coffee and spoons ready beside a lit candle on the kitchen counter. ‘Yes, sure. Thanks.’
‘Instant okay?’
‘Of course.’
As he lowered himself into the chair, he wished he felt calmer about this impending discussion. He had no idea what Alice was going to tell him about her parents’ accident, and he couldn’t imagine how the hell it involved Charlie. He’d driven himself crazy on the trip over here, trying to guess what her problem might be.
It was hard to tell if she was tense too. Her face was a picture of concentration as she spooned coffee into mugs and poured the boiling water. She brought him a steaming mug and set it on the chair’s broad arm, and he tried not to stare at her legs in the floral tights as she made herself comfortable in a chair opposite him.
She smiled shyly, crossed her gorgeous legs, then tucked a stray curl of flaming hair behind her ear, but despite the casualness of her actions, he could see now that she was nervous, as nervous as he was.
Seth sipped the coffee. It was rich and aromatic. ‘This is great, thanks.’
Alice flashed another quick, awkward smile, then looked worried again.
There was no point in prolonging the agony, so he dived in. ‘You were going to tell me about your parents’ car accident.’
‘Yes.’ Alice took a sip from her mug. ‘The thing is,’ she said, keeping her gaze fixed on the square of cream fluffy carpet, ‘it wasn’t only my parents who died. There was a baby in the car, too.’ She looked up then, and her dark eyes were already too shiny. ‘My little sister, Daisy. She was a toddler, actually, not much older than Charlie.’
‘Bloody hell.’ Seth’s gut clenched at the mere thought.
Alice looked down again to the mug in her hands. ‘Daisy didn’t die straight away in the crash. She was in hospital for a week. My grandmother used to take me to visit her every day. She –’ Her mouth trembled. ‘She was unconscious. She never woke up.’
Seth couldn’t think what to say. He tried to imagine the horror of it. Alice, at the age of ten, losing her parents and then, on top of that, a baby sister lying helpless in hospital, no doubt swathed in bandages.
Then losing her.
‘I’m afraid it’s scarred me,’ Alice said.
Seth nodded. ‘I daresay it would be hard to get over.’
‘I still get nervous around little people,’ she said. ‘They’re so cute and sweet and vulnerable.’
‘You mean, you’re actually scared of them? Of kids?’
‘I have all these hang-ups and phobias about what might happen to them.’
‘But you were so good with Charlie the other day.’
‘That’s because you were there too. If I’d been on my own . . .’ Alice gave a sad shake of her head. ‘I’m afraid I would have freaked.’
Seth sat very still, trying to take this in, to understand. He figured that Alice was close to his age, which meant that almost twenty years after she’d lost her family, she still hadn’t come to terms with her loss. He felt appalled for her, and desperately sad. But what did this have to do with his father’s birthday party?
Something wasn’t adding up.
‘My problem is,’ she went on, as if she sensed his confusion, ‘if I allow myself to get serious about you – or about any man, for that matter – sooner or later, one way or the other, I’ll eventually run into the problem of kids.’
‘You mean, you don’t want to have anything to do with them? Ever?’
Alice looked miserable as she shook her head.
Fuck. Seth stared at her in dismay, his mind whirling as he tried to take this in. He felt dazed. Totally side-swiped.
He knew he should probably be more sympathetic, but he was remembering his own fears when he’d been landed with a tiny baby. He’d been scared witless when Joanna dumped Charlie on him, but somehow he’d copped it on the chin and just got on with the job.
Now, here he was, finally getting over the shock discovery that he’d fathered a beautiful child with a woman who seemed to show no maternal instincts. And he’d hooked up with a girl, a gorgeous girl he was crazy about, who was too scared to wipe his kid’s nose, or give him a cuddle if he fell over.
Seth was trying to stay calm, but he could feel an emotion that might have been anger gathering steam. ‘I must be your nemesis,’ he said. ‘Why would you even date a guy who already has a little kid? It’s a wonder you gave me the time of day.’
Alice opened her mouth to respond, then closed it again and simply sat there, clutching her coffee mug and looking contrite, almost as if she’d expected his tirade. Then she uncrossed her legs and shifted her position. And damn it, even now when he was angry as hell, those skin-tight floral leggings made him horny.
With a burst of impatience, he jumped to his feet and strode to the other end of the room. From there, he looked out through a window to the dark street below. He saw the faint gleam of his ute and remembered that night when he’d pulled up at Alice’s door, determined to persuade her to have dinner with him.
And that answered his question, didn’t it? He couldn’t pretend he didn’t know how they’d ended up together. The chemistry between them had been amazing. Right from the start, he’d been a goner, blind to anything except the fact that Alice, by some lucky miracle, was as keen as he was.
Unfortunately, the memories of how great they’d been together made tonight’s bitter reality so much harder to accept.
A host of questions clamoured for answers. How could she live like this?
Seth was battling anger and disappointment in equal parts as he turned to her. ‘So how do you plan to live the rest of your life? Have a series of one-night stands? Or perhaps one-month stands, with birth control as a top priority?’
He threw his arms wide. ‘Will you put an ad on an online site – Wanted, a husband – must be sterile? Or maybe you’ll manage to draw up a pre-nup that rules out pregnancy?’
Alice glared at him. ‘Why don’t you just come right out and suggest I find a married man? A family guy who wants to keep his mistress a mile from his kids?’
Seth shrugged. ‘That would work.’
Now she let out her breath in a heavy, fed-up sigh. ‘I thought you might be more understanding.’
He knew he’d been too harsh. The poor girl obviously had a major problem. ‘Sorry.’ He returned to his chair and sat down. Reached for his coffee mug, which was barely warm now, took a sip. ‘I really am sorry,’ he said again.
More calmly, he asked, ‘Have you tried to get help for this? Talked to a shrink? Some kind of counsellor?’
Alice grimaced as she shook her head. ‘I know, I know. I should have seen someone by now. It’s cowardly to just go on avoiding a situation, instead of facing up to it and dealing with it. But – but I hate talking about it. I never do talk about it, if I can help it.’
Seth supposed he should be flattered that she’d cared enough to tell him as much as she had. Not that it solved anything.
Grimly, he said, ‘So I guess this boils down to the fact that you plan to steer clear of any long-term relationships.’
‘Yes. I’m afraid so.’ She looked thoroughly miserable as she said this. Miserable but unyielding.
A chill sliced through Seth as he considered his options. The last thing he wanted was to call it off with Alice. But this business of keeping their relationship casual and under wraps was harder than it had seemed at first glance. He couldn’t deny that Charlie was a complication.
And if all Alice wanted was short-term sex, then she’d had it.
‘I guess it’s just as well you’ve told me this now.’ He wasn’t proud of the brutal edge to his voice, but he couldn’t help it. Walking away from this girl wasn’t easy. ‘I think you’re right,’ he said. ‘You shouldn’t come to the party.’
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Alice flinch, but although the small movement stabbed at his heart, he knew he couldn’t back down.
‘If we went as a couple it probably would send the wrong message,’ he said. ‘My parents – well, my mother at least – is pretty desperate to see me settle down with a nice girl to help with Charlie.’ He put air quotes around ‘nice girl’. ‘We need to set her straight, before she starts planning an engagement party to follow straight on from Dad’s birthday.’
Alice nodded. ‘I’ll ring Jackie first thing in the morning.’
‘No. Don’t you worry about it. I’ll let her know you aren’t coming. It might be awkward for you to explain and she still might try to persuade you. It could get tricky.’
‘What will you tell her?’
Seth swallowed what felt like a fish bone lodged in his throat. He forced himself to look Alice in the eye. ‘I’ll tell her that it didn’t work out between us. That we’ve broken up.’
Then he stood quickly and carried the mug through to the kitchen, poured the last of his coffee into the sink and rinsed the mug with cold water. ‘I’d better get Charlie,’ he said.
__________
Alice wasn’t sure that her legs would support her as she pushed herself out of her chair. She felt completely hollow inside, as if she’d scooped out her heart and handed it, bleeding, to Seth on a plate.
She’d never dreamed it would be so hard to break up with him. He was the nicest guy she’d ever met and the sexiest, most tender lover on the planet. The chemistry between them was a rare and special thing, but she had to do this. He would be so much better off without her and her hang-ups.
At least, that was what she’d told herself. But then she saw the pain in his eyes, she nearly lost it. She was within a hair’s breadth of bursting into noisy tears, and her body felt as frail and stiff as a ninety-year-old’s as she went to open the bedroom door.
Little Charlie was still lying just as they’d left him, with one hand resting on the stuffed rabbit and his wheat gold hair glowing in the lamplight.
Seth leaned down and whispered, ‘Come on, little mate.’ Then he gently lifted Charlie.
Briefly, the little boy whimpered and squirmed.
‘Ssh,’ Seth soothed, cradling his son’s head against his bulky shoulder.
‘I’ll bring the rabbit,’ Alice said.
Seth nodded. ‘Thanks.’
Once again, she used the torch to light the way down the stairs, but Charlie was fussing. As they made their way through the shop, he began to cry loudly, and louder again as Seth shifted Charlie’s position while he felt in his jeans pocket for his car keys.
‘I’ll open the door for you,’ Alice offered, but it didn’t help.
Charlie screamed when he realised he was being put back in the car seat. Seth, however, continued with the task manfully.
‘Perhaps he’d like a drink,’ Alice suggested. ‘Milk? Water?’
‘Maybe a little milk,’ Seth said over his shoulder as he wrestled with the wriggling toddler and the seatbelt buckles.
By the time she’d hurried back with a plastic tumbler of milk and a shortbread biscuit, Charlie was buckled in, but still roaring. A window opened down the street and a head popped out.
‘Here’s a nice drink.’ Alice leaned in through the ute’s open door and offered the milk to Charlie.
To her amazement, just like that, Charlie stopped bawling. She could see his little face in the glow of a streetlight, pink and puffy from crying as he blinked big blue eyes at her.
‘Ali,’ he said, and he actually smiled. Smiled while tears still trembled on the ends of his lashes.
A sob welled in Alice’s throat and she had to hold her breath to stop it from bursting noisily out.
‘Drink some milk, Charlie.’ Seth’s voice, coming from behind her, sounded a little frayed around the edges.
Obediently, Charlie drank some of the milk and then he smiled at her again, this time with a white milky moustache.
She handed him the biscuit.
‘Ta,’ he said softly as his little hand closed around it.
‘See? You do have the knack,’ Seth told her, but he sounded weary and he certainly didn’t smile.
Alice stepped back and stood, holding the tumbler, while Seth closed the door on Charlie and walked around to the driver’s side.
He looked at her over the bonnet. ‘Goodnight, Alice. I – ah – good luck with everything.’
‘Thanks.’ She forced the words past the raw tightness in her throat. ‘Goodnight.’
He slipped behind the wheel, closed his door, started the motor. Took off.
Somehow, Alice made it inside and back up the stairs. She left the tumbler on the kitchen counter and hurried into the bedroom, where she threw herself onto the bed that still smelled of baby talcum powder, and she wept.
25
‘What’s the matter, Jackie? Can’t you sleep?’
When Hugh walked into the kitchen, Jackie was sitting in semi-darkness. The only light was the one over the stove, and she was in her nightdress with a mug of warm milk and honey on the counter in front of her.
Hugh glanced at the clock on the wall. ‘It’s three o’clock.’
‘I know,’ she said, yawning. ‘I’m dead tired, but I just can’t sleep.’
It was so annoying. She’d been tired after a full day of minding Charlie and had gone to bed early. Hugh had stayed up reading the diary, his day having been filled with helping Seth to fix the bore and then mustering a mob that had strayed into a rocky gully. Jackie had fallen asleep quickly enough, only to find herself wide awake in the early hours, worrying about Hugh’s reaction to his mother’s story about Tom and Singapore.
‘I suppose it’s all this party planning,’ Hugh said.
‘Yes, I guess it’s got my mind going.’ Jackie was unwilling to talk about the diary now, in the middle of the night. Hugh might launch into awkward questions that would lead to showing him Magnus’s letter as well.
That was the last thing she wanted. They needed to enjoy the party first, get it safely behind them. At least, this was what Jackie had tried to tell herself, but in her heart of hearts, she knew she was plain scared and she was using the party excuse as a delaying tactic. It was a damn flimsy excuse, though.
‘I’m not sleeping too well, either,’ Hugh said.
Jackie avoided asking his reason. ‘Would you like a mug of hot milk a
nd honey?’ she asked instead.
‘Yes, but you stay there. I’ll get it.’
Hugh, in striped pyjamas and bare feet, moved efficiently between the cupboard and the fridge, fetching a mug and milk, pressing buttons on the microwave.
Jackie pushed the honey jar across the counter towards him.
‘Thanks.’ He rummaged in the drawer for a spoon. ‘That’s a fascinating story of Mum’s about Singapore.’
Okay, there was no avoiding it. A cold shiver shimmied over Jackie’s skin, but to her surprise there was also a glimmer of relief. Lately, she’d felt as if she’d been hanging on to her mother-in-law’s secret for years. The strain was really getting to her.
Wrapping her hands around the comforting warmth of her mug, she said, ‘I didn’t even know Stella was in Singapore during the war, did you?’
‘She probably mentioned it once or twice, but neither she nor Dad talked much about the war.’ Hugh dropped a generous spoonful of honey into his mug of hot milk. ‘I guess it’s strange, really, considering that’s how they met.’
‘Really?’ Jackie watched his workmanlike hands as he stirred his drink, then set the spoon on the drainer. ‘I don’t think I knew that.’
‘Mum was nursing in Townsville when Dad was shipped back from New Guinea. He was one of her patients.’
‘How – romantic.’ Jackie wasn’t a very good actor and she was a bloody hopeless liar. She knew she sounded ridiculously nervous.
Hugh’s eyes narrowed, watching her as he sipped. ‘I don’t suppose meeting Dad in the wards in Townsville was nearly as romantic as meeting this Tom Kearney fellow at Raffles in Singapore.’
‘Maybe not.’
‘But it’s pretty strange, don’t you think, the way she wrote about that and then hid it? I suppose the wartime romance had a big impact and she needed to get it off her chest, but then she didn’t want Dad to find out.’
‘Well – yes.’ Jackie stared at the counter top, trying to keep her face impassive. ‘It’s quite a mystery.’
‘I might be able to make more sense of it if I could read the whole thing. Did you know there are pages missing? I don’t seem to have the beginning or the end.’
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