My Heart Goes Bang

by Keris Stainton

  ‘So?’ Colette said, slamming back through the door practically before he was out of sight.

  Liane shushed her.

  ‘Did he ask you out? Did you ask him out? Are you going to eat the ice cream together with two spoons like Lady and the Tramp?’

  ‘None of the above,’ Liane said. ‘I made a tit out of myself.’

  ‘I’m sure you didn’t,’ Colette said, hip-checking her. ‘And even if you did, I bet he didn’t care. You’re gorgeous.’

  ‘Hmm,’ Liane said. She didn’t feel gorgeous. Not in her supermarket uniform, a scarf tied round her hair. She had make-up on, at least.

  ‘Did you get his name?’ Colette asked, heading back to her own till.

  ‘Yep,’ Liane said. ‘Alfie.’

  ‘Well, there you go,’ Colette said. ‘That’s a start.’

  It was, Liane thought. It was a start.

  Chapter 9

  Lou had been reading Moll Flanders for so long that her eyes were starting to burn. She closed the book, stretched her arms over her head and squeezed her eyes shut. She wanted to rub them, but she was wearing make-up. She pressed her fingertips to the outer corners anyway. Someone had told her that was a shiatsu move for tiredness. Or something like that, anyway. She packed up her books and stretched again before shouldering her bag. The light had changed outside – there’d been bright sunshine when she came into the library; now it looked like rain was threatening. And she didn’t have an umbrella or even a hood on her coat. Great. If she got a move on, maybe she could get home before it started tipping down.

  It was already spitting when she pushed out through the main doors. She stopped and rummaged through her bag to see if she still had the hat she’d worn last week, but no, she must’ve left it at home.

  ‘Fuck,’ she muttered, seeing Kyle standing in the archway opposite, staring straight at her.

  Had he been waiting for her? But how could he have known she was in there? She turned left without looking at him again and started walking.

  ‘That’s not very polite,’ Kyle said, appearing alongside her.

  ‘Piss off, Kyle,’ Lou said without looking over at him.

  Lou pulled her bag up on her shoulder and held on to the strap to hide the fact that her hand was shaking a little. She wasn’t scared – it was still light, there were plenty of people around, she didn’t think he’d actually hurt her. But he was just intense. And she wanted him to leave her alone.

  ‘I don’t get why you’re being like this,’ Kyle said.

  As they turned onto Brownlow Hill, Lou glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. He wasn’t looking at her, just staring straight ahead. She stopped at the traffic lights and got her phone out, opening WhatsApp and typing ‘anyone near the library?’ into the house group chat.

  ‘Come for a drink,’ Kyle said.

  ‘Sorry,’ Lou said. ‘I’ve got work.’

  ‘Listen, do you want to tell me what this is about?’ Kyle said, exasperated. ‘Cos I’m really fucking confused.’

  Lou shook her head. ‘I told you. I told you last term.’

  ‘That we didn’t go out? That I didn’t want you to see your friends?’

  ‘That you were possessive, yeah.’

  ‘Because I like you. I think that’s normal.’

  Lou looked up from her phone. Kyle actually looked genuinely confused and something softened inside her chest. They had had some good times. And he’d been amazing in bed. Maybe he genuinely didn’t get it.

  ‘I just … It wasn’t right between us. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Right,’ Kyle said, nodding. ‘Right.’

  Lou’s phone buzzed and she glanced down to see a reply from Ella: ‘Am at the bookshop.’ Just over the road. Perfect.

  ‘OK, so I’m going,’ Lou said, starting to walk in the opposite direction.

  ‘I guess I’ll see you around,’ Kyle said.

  Lou kept walking.

  From her spot in the seating area between History and Travel, Ella saw Lou come in the main door of the bookshop and immediately looked over at the boy to see if he was watching her. Lou was really pretty and totally striking with her silver hair: of course he would be looking at her. But he wasn’t. In fact, Ella thought he might have been looking in her direction until she looked over at him. Now he was fiddling with a pile of paper on the desk, his cheeks flushed.

  ‘Hey,’ Lou said, dropping into the seat opposite Ella. ‘What are you doing here?’

  Ella held up the book she was reading, so Lou could see the cover.

  ‘Essential Skills for Life Sciences,’ Lou read. ‘Gripping.’

  ‘It actually is,’ Ella said. Or it would be, if she hadn’t been half keeping an eye and ear on the boy the entire time.

  ‘Are you going to be much longer or are you going home?’

  Ella flipped through the rest of the chapter. ‘Five more pages and then I’m done.’

  ‘You know this isn’t the library, right?’ Lou said.

  Ella bit her lip. ‘I know. It’s out at the library. I’ll buy it as soon as I can.’

  Lou shrugged. ‘Hey, I don’t care. It’s just a bit daring of you.’ She grinned. ‘I’m going to go and see if they’ve got that play I need.’ She started to stand up and then flopped back down again, taking her phone out of her pocket. ‘Actually, I’d better check which one I do need.’ She waved a hand at Ella. ‘Carry on. I’ll be very quiet.’

  Ella had read two more pages by the time Lou got up. But instead of heading to the Literature section, Lou went straight over to the desk. To him.

  Ella watched as Lou leaned against the desk and the boy smiled at her, running one hand through his hair. Shit.

  She turned back to her book. Once she’d read the same two sentences three times, she gave up and looked up again. Lou was laughing. The boy was smiling. Ella wanted to throw up. She should have known not to let Lou come and meet her. Though that was ridiculous – it was the campus bookshop, so even if Lou hadn’t come to meet Ella, she would have come and met him eventually. She might even have met him already. But then if she had, she would have mentioned him, surely. Although Ella hadn’t.

  ‘Fuck,’ she muttered to herself.

  And she had added ‘someone in a bookshop’ to the Fuck It List. So not only had she brought Lou here and practically introduced her to the only boy she’d been interested in for ages, she’d given her an incentive to ask him out. She was a complete idiot.

  She watched as the boy came out from behind the desk and he and Lou headed upstairs. Even though Literature was downstairs. They were probably going to go and shag between the bookshelves. Ella wanted to slam her head between two halves of the textbook. Instead, she photographed the last few pages she needed with her phone and texted Dylan while she waited for Lou to come back from the sex section. She’d texted him a couple of times already today and he hadn’t replied, which wasn’t like him. But he was probably busy with work. He worked too hard.

  ‘He was cute,’ Lou said as the two of them walked home.

  ‘Who?’ Ella said, stupidly.

  Lou laughed. ‘Come on. I saw you peering at us.’ She pulled a pained-looking face, eyes squinted, lips drawn into a line.

  ‘Oh god, tell me I didn’t look like that!’ Ella said.

  ‘You didn’t not look like that,’ Lou said. ‘I should’ve known when you added to the list. I should’ve known you had someone in mind.’

  Ella wanted to say she hadn’t, that it was a coincidence, but it was pointless. Lou knew her better than that.

  ‘So go get him, tiger!’ Lou said. ‘What are you waiting for?’

  Ella shook her head. ‘I can’t just ask him out.’

  ‘Why not? You thought I was asking him out, right?’

  ‘Well … yeah. How did you know that?’

  Lou did the pained face again and Ella groaned.

  ‘He was looking at you too, you know,’ Lou said. ‘When I first walked in. You were staring down at that Life Skills book �
��’

  ‘Life Sciences.’

  ‘Whatever. You were staring at the book and he was staring at you. Like this.’ She pretended to rest her chin on her hand and did full heart-eyes at Ella.

  ‘He wasn’t.’

  ‘He bloody was. Would I lie to you?’

  ‘Probably.’

  ‘Well, I’m not now. You should just ask him out. Then shag him and put a tenner in the pot.’

  ‘I’ll get right on it,’ Ella said.

  Both of their phones buzzed at the same time and they laughed as they stopped and checked their texts.

  Ella’s was from Dylan. She turned it so Lou couldn’t see the screen, hoping Lou would assume the light was shining on it. The text said ‘Sorry. TV today. Will call later. Love u.’

  ‘Who is it?’ Lou asked.

  ‘Just my brother,’ Ella said, sticking her phone back in her pocket. ‘Yours?’

  ‘Hmm?’ Lou said, still staring at her phone.

  ‘Who’s the text from?’ Ella asked.

  ‘Oh,’ Lou said, dropping her phone in her bag. ‘No one. Automated charity thing.’

  Issey stood in front of the mirror in her bedroom. She’d brought it from home last year, took it back in the summer, and her dad had dropped it off again last weekend. She’d found it in a charity shop and even though it was all bubbly and brown round the edges, she loved it. It was shaped sort of like a curvy shield and it made her feel like a superhero when she looked at herself in it. She put her hands on her hips and pushed her chest out, grinning at herself. She could see her nipples through the vest top she’d worn in bed. She turned to one side and then the other and then reached for her phone. She leaned forward so the reflection was looking down her top and quickly took a photo. It was crap.

  She pushed her vest off one shoulder and tried again, pouting. That was even worse. She deleted it immediately. She pulled her vest over her head and looked at herself topless in the mirror. She had good tits. Small, but nice. She’d always liked them, once she’d got over them not getting any bigger. She held the phone up next to her and took a photo, looking at her own face in the mirror, as if the phone was taking the photo on its own, nothing to do with Issey, nothing to see here.

  She looked at the photo. It was good. She looked serious and sexy. She almost wished she had someone to send it to. She thought for a sec about sending it to Liane with ‘See! Not a prude!’ but that was weird. Liane probably didn’t even remember the conversation they’d had about Paige’s Instagram. But Issey had looked at it so much that it came up at the top when she hit search. Plus, she’d never sent a tit pic to anyone; she couldn’t send her first to her best friend. She picked up her vest and held it over her boobs, turning to the side slightly so she could see her waist and hip and side-boob, like Paige had done in her photo. It looked good. She dipped her head forward and looked up under her fringe like Paige, but that just made her laugh. What a knobhead. She tipped her head back, her bob hanging down between her shoulder blades. Maybe she should grow her hair again … No. It got straggly when it got longer; she needed to keep it short-ish.

  Straightening up again, she stared at herself in the mirror. Then she held the phone up and took another photo. That was the one. The phone was hiding half her face, but showing the tiny star tattoo on her shoulder. And her skin looked good. She posted it to Instagram with ‘love my new mirror’ and a row of laugh-cry emojis.

  Lou shut her bedroom door, put her TV on loud, and sat back against the headboard of her bed, pulling her knees up to her chest. It hadn’t been an automated charity text. She didn’t know how she’d managed to even speak to Ella after she’d asked. And she was so glad Ella hadn’t looked at her phone. If she’d been with no-boundaries Issey, there’s no way she’d have got away with it. But she had. Ella hadn’t seen it and Lou hadn’t told her and if she deleted it, maybe she could pretend it hadn’t even happened.

  She opened the text again.

  It was from Kyle. And it was a photo. Of her. Asleep, on her back, completely naked, along with ‘I’ve got loads like this. See you tonight?’

  ‘Fuck,’ Lou said, her eyes burning with tears. ‘Fuck.’

  She couldn’t believe he’d taken photos of her asleep. Or that he’d kept them after she’d ended things. But what she really couldn’t believe was that he was sending them to her now to try to blackmail her into going out with him. She scrubbed at her eyes with the heels of her hands. What a piece of shit.

  Chapter 10

  ‘This is just the best,’ Issey said a few nights later, rolling her beer bottle between her hands and grinning at the other girls. ‘Like our own personal pub!’

  ‘Jonny asked when you were next in,’ Paige said from the other side of the bar.

  ‘Aw.’ Lou grinned. ‘He missed us!’

  ‘The brewery have been wanting to get rid of the snug for years. Knock it all out, give the place a gastropub feel. Now he’s got you in there, he feels like he was right to say no.’

  ‘God,’ Ella said, ‘that’s terrible. This pub’s got so much character!’

  ‘That’s exactly what he says,’ Paige said. ‘Do we have “publican” on the list?’

  ‘Fuck off,’ Ella said, her cheeks flushing.

  Paige grinned. ‘Anyone made any progress?’

  ‘Issey had a shit date,’ Liane said. ‘Tell ’em.’

  ‘With the guy who doesn’t speak much English?’ Ella asked.

  ‘Nah,’ Issey said, fiddling with a beer mat. ‘Different one. And it wasn’t exactly shit. It was just … meh.’

  ‘Sometimes they’re even worse,’ Paige said. ‘Like, you get all dressed up and it’s only OK.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Liane said. ‘I wouldn’t say worse, though. I mean, I’d rather it was only OK than completely fucking awful.’

  ‘At least if it’s awful you get a good story out of it,’ Lou said.

  ‘That’s what I was thinking!’ Issey said, leaning forward in her seat. ‘Like … give me something to work with here. Even if it’s that you’ve got a crush on your sister or you like to pee in car boots or something.’

  ‘Seriously?’ Lou said, staring at Issey with one eyebrow raised.

  ‘I don’t know!’ Issey said, shrugging.

  ‘What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?’ Liane asked them all, as she started to peel the label off her beer.

  ‘I kissed this boy and he had a spider in his mouth,’ Issey said, reaching for a crisp from the torn-open packet in the middle of the table.

  ‘What?’ Ella said.

  Issey blinked at her.

  ‘The thing I love about you, Iz,’ Lou said, ‘is how you can say that as if it’s a perfectly normal thing for a person to say. And not totally batshit cray.’

  Issey shrugged. ‘It was a thing he did.’

  ‘Wait,’ Ella said, frowning. ‘He had the spider in his mouth on purpose?’

  ‘I don’t know that he could have had a spider in his mouth by accident …’ Liane said.

  ‘It was a thing,’ Issey said. ‘He still does it, as far as I know. They call him Spidermouth.’

  ‘Jesus fucking Christ,’ Lou said. ‘What is wrong with people?’

  ‘Shame they didn’t call him that back then,’ Paige said from the bar. ‘You’d’ve known not to kiss him.’

  ‘I probably still would’ve,’ Issey said. ‘I was desperate. And he was hot.’

  ‘Hot enough to make up for the spider?!’ Ella said, appalled.

  ‘No one’s that hot,’ Lou said.

  ‘Dylan Jewell is,’ Issey said, cramming more crisps into her mouth. ‘He could kiss me with a tarantula in his mouth. Or a whole nest of spider babies. Poisonous spider babies.’

  ‘You’re so fucking weird,’ Lou said.

  ‘Which one’s Dylan Jewell?’ Paige asked. ‘I get all your boy-toys mixed up.’

  ‘From Bang!’ Issey said, picking up her phone and swiping it open.

  ‘What, the band?’ Paige asked.


  ‘I’m still stuck on the spider in the mouth, to be honest,’ Ella said. ‘Like … was it a pet?’

  ‘Look, though,’ Issey said, holding her phone out to show Paige a photo on Tumblr of Dylan Jewell wearing a sheer black shirt, his tattoos showing through it, his head hanging down, long hair covering half of his face.

  ‘He’s got tattoos,’ Issey said. ‘I could tick him off the list.’

  ‘And he’s in a band,’ Lou said. ‘Two birds, one stone.’

  ‘Imagine,’ Issey said. ‘Except he’d ruin me for other men. But it’d be worth it.’

  Ella stood up. ‘Anyone want a drink?’

  ‘Beer for me, please,’ Lou said.

  ‘I want a cig,’ Issey said, standing up too. ‘I’ve been looking at this photo too long, I’ve flustered myself.’

  ‘Come on,’ Lou said, shuffling her bum along the bench seat. ‘I can spare you a fag.’

  ‘You OK?’ Liane asked Ella, who was still standing up, not looking like she had any intention of moving. ‘You don’t need to go round. Just wait for Paige to come back.’

  They’d all got used to Paige disappearing to deal with other customers and then reappearing at their bit of the bar to join in the conversation as if she’d never been away.

  ‘Actually, I need the loo,’ Ella said.

  ‘I’ll get the drinks in then,’ Liane said, getting her own phone out. ‘No worries.’

  They stayed in the pub until the end of Paige’s shift and walked home together. It was only two streets away, but the other four girls were pleasantly drunk and giddy and Paige found herself wanting to link arms with them, maybe sing something. It was very much not like her.

  ‘I’m glad I moved in here,’ she said, as they stopped at the front door and Lou wrestled with the sticky lock.

  ‘We are toooooo!’ Issey said, wrapping both arms around Paige’s waist and half nestling herself in her cleavage.

  ‘Jesus,’ Paige said, bracing herself against the wall to keep her balance.

  ‘Fuck me,’ Lou said, glancing over her shoulder. ‘I think you’re the one trying to tick off “sleep with a girl”, Iz.’

  ‘Piss off,’ Issey said, straightening up, her cheeks flushed. ‘I’m just being affectionate. That’s allowed, isn’t it?’